I must say things are going pretty well (but what HAS it been? 2 weeks? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

But I have been doing some thinking (yes that was probably what you smelled burning!) & i have realized that this calm peaceful feeling is most likely the calm before the storm.....it always is.

We are in the 'summer schedule' right now w/ OC which is every other week & it is very nice. No chaos, no having to get up every day to take her back & forth to school PLUS the added benefit of enough time for everyone to be settled in w/ each other so we can all relax.

And because it is set- every other week it is NOT just on H days off. Normally it is so his days off pretty much suck because they are never relaxing. We have been able to enjoy his days off as just a family again AND also w/ OC on other weeks/days.

SO.........because of this good feeling it really makes me think, I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE CHAOS IT WAS BEFORE!

It feels very chaotic during the school year. Friday through Tuesdays, the next week Monday through Thursday then the next week not @ all.

So I am thinking now that having a taste of what PEACE feels like again......I don't want to go back to anything else.
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The thing is what solution is there? Realistically?
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You know what, I just made a list of possible solutions but it really does not matter. I KNOW OW would not go for any of them. She is only 'tolerating' our C w/ OC but fights every step of the way so there is NO way she will consider anything else we suggest, ESPECIALLY if it meant we would have OC more.
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SO the thing is........am i just being SELFISH here? Tell me if I am and I can handle that. I am an adult you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Seriously though, is it unfair for me NOT to want to go back to the chaos that was before? We have already let the therapist & OW know that we will no longer put up w/ any nonsense or fighting. We will just step away completely.

We could ask for more and prove our point of how much better it would be & refuse to budge & OW would refuse to budge & then we would step out......but is that fair?

What is fair in this situation?

It would be BEST for MY family to have PEACE so should I take it no matter what the cost (to OC)?

I know many of you have seen my struggles and have told me time & time again to just give it up completely. I understand the POV, I encourage it to anyone else but it is so much harder when you have had this child in your life for over 2 years & there is some sort of 'bond' there, I can @ least say that.

It is also so much easier when you see your own family struggling so much to live in the chaos.

Can I assert what I WANT? Is that ok? I know it is but then why do I struggle w/ it?

WHY DO I FEEL SO SELFISH?

I think I will just have to speak to the therapist & let her know how I feel @ this point. She will completely understand but she also feels it is important for OC to still have her father in her life somehow.....so.....?????
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Any thoughts or ideas or reprimands or tell me to just suck it up because this is what I CHOSE......whatever..or anything.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

KT,

I am not the best one to give any advice so I won't. What I will say is that you have been a very loving and wonderful person through this whole ordeal and it is not wrong for you to be concerned with your happiness sometimes. At what cost is it to you to just have peace. I know that C must be the hardest thing to do, but you have withsood so much that it is unlikely that you will let this get the best of you.

You are a woman of incredible strength and have a lot of love to give; however if OW plans to make it this difficult everytime you try to make the scheduling easier who is it really hurting? Not you or your H, but the OC. Eventually OC will see this struggle as being somewhat her fault. It would not be healthy for OW to keep making this a power struggle betwwen the two of you. You won!! You have your H and she does not so she needs to get that through her thick skull and think about what's best for her child. Of course she won't but the thought would be nice.

-KT - Just follow your heart don't the children suffer, nor yourself. You do deserve to peace in your life as well as the rest of the family - may no Contact would have been better - I don't know. But know that I am praying for you and hope my rambling from a confused party at least let you know that I was thinking of you if nothing else! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT

Kt~

Just off the top of my head...Is there a way you could do the "summer" schedule, year round? I know it would be difficult on your weeks, getting her to and from school and what not, but wondering if the hassles might be worth the clear cut visitation schedule, and the freedoms this schedule provides you?

LOL autumnday! That is EXACTLY one of my 'solutions' I had thought of & the consequences that would go w/ it.

I think it would be peaceful visitation wise but the school everyday thing would not be. So it's a toss up. I would end up doing the majority of transporting which would include loading up the ktbunch every morning to take OC to school which takes 45-60 min w/ traffic (one way)but only 20 min. in the afternoons for p/u............

But that IS exactly what I had thought of too.

What would be IDEAL from our viewpoint would be if OW would honeschool OC, like us. Then there is no early/abrupt wake-ups & we could all work w/ OC on her education on our weeks. I KNOW OW would NOT go for that.

I think OW would think it is impossible for OW to do since she works part-time.

I am going to mention that to the therapist though anyway. I KNOW OW has to admit to the current schedule being much more PEACEFUL on her end too so........

It's like when we were fighting to be able to p/u OC from school and return directly to school so as to avoid OW & transitional tension. OW did NOT want it @ all but now admits how much better it is & that it has relieved the majority of tension. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You are not selfish. You are the such a nice kind woman. What you have put up with, the chaos and turmoil.....hardly the acts of a selfish person.

As for the going back...don't know what to tell you. I would hate going back to chaos too.

What does your husband want? What do your children want?

KT,

I can see nothing selfish about your feelings at all. You have bent over backwards to make a very messy situation pretty neat despite OW's constant attempts to futher disrupt you & your families lives.

I would say try some of the options you have thought out, as you say OW will most likely not approve but it doesn't hurt to try.

As Lynn says though it will ultimately come down to what you, your H & children want. I wish you the best in whatever you decide, but selfish is no where near a word I would use to describe you.

Um hello? Selfish????? WTF? If think you are being selfish, then I"m sitting here raising my Diet Dr. Pepper to you and saying, "here, here!"

Yep. You're the selfish one in the pic. You went out and did horrible things with no thoughts of how it might affect your family...........NOT!

Sorry, hon. I'm a big advocate of "not making him pay for the rest of his life" and all - but sheesh! YOU will never be the selfish one in the pic (imo). Also, it's about damn time that we act a little in our own interests, doncha think? If WE don't WHO will?

- Kimmy

Yep, I hear ya'. I am PAST feeling responsible for this ANYMORE! Finally! AND I do not feel guilty over what happens to OC either. I have done everything I can & I never chose this but accepted it & tried to make the best of it but I REFUSE to feel guilty over this situation that I did not create. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am fully AWARE that this is NOT my fault.

But I DO feel for OC, even though this is a rough path & I tell everyone that I am against C w/ OC, I still CARE about her. How can you not?

But I LOVE my own children & feel RESPONSIBLE to them. And this chaos is NOT good.

So we will just see. Maybe I will get a chance totalk to H tonight.

Time to focus on VBS. You all remember those weeks dontcha'? As a child, going to Vacation Bible School? Well, only as an adult can I appreciate all the hard work all those parents (mostly mothers) put into it! I am in charge of the 'skit', since 'drama' is my thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have a great weekend everyone!
TGIF
TGIF
TGIF
TGIF

Just a funny mini-update.

I called the therapist to check in w/ her about how things were going (good) & to let her know that we need to think of something so that it can continue to go well because I do not want to go back to the chaos.

I told her my WISH list would be that OC is homeschooled & we continue to have her every other week.

She busted out laughing & calmly (while still laughing) said, "ktbunch, are you insane?"

I said I know that is why it is my WISH list & so we need to think of something to keep things peaceful as they are.

Then of course she had to run off but will call me later.

I have to laugh about that. I knew I was hopeless for a reason! LOL

I am not even upset-------I KNOW OW would never go for it. SO I am not upset but it's funny that the therapists also KNOWS that OW will never go for it but......I still believe in miracles.

I will keep praying!
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Is anyone else having trouble w/ email today? I am obviously logged in but it keeps asking me to log in anyway so I cannot access any email! erghhh!!!

KT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will keep praying!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no harm is having a "wish list", Lord knows I have a long one, but prayer changes things, I am praying for your situation to turn around too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

thanks bbg. I am praying for ALL of us.

I notice that people would say 'just pray' when they didn't know what else to say or were finally out of options.

Then I realized it's not that it's all we can do is 'just pray' ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> w/ a sigh) but actually it's all we HAVE to do. We don't HAVE to do anything else, like fret, worry, get upset ect. All we HAVE to do is 'just pray'! That's it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Do you understand what I mean? It's a different perspective, I think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you understand what I mean? It's a different perspective, I think.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I TOTALLY understand. And when I realized that - and gave it to God, that knot in my tummy began to melt away.

He really is the Light and the Way.

- Kimmy

Yeah KT I do understand, I think we should include in that phrase - pray & give it to God, then you have really done it ALL.

It has taken me awhile but I'm getting it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It has taken me awhile but I'm getting it!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BBG et al,

Personally, I think we should make a pact to remind each other when one of us stumbles (because, only God is perfect, you know). We all have our off days.

- Kimmy

Hi KT,

I saw your picture. You and your husband look very happy together. You two look good together. Concerning visitation. I allow my ex-husband to have kids every other weekend. I would never consider allowing him to have kids on school days. That would just be too confusing and uproot them from feeling that they belong somewhere. A child does not need to be thrown around to the point that they do not know where there home is. I do allow him to keep his kids some weeks in the summer. Don't you think that would be better on all concerned?

LOL Genia------are you reading my mind?LOL

H & I were JUST discussing this.
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Here's the 'deal'--the way we(H & I) live our life, we thought every other weekend was a JOKE! Like how could we possibly get to know OC & create a REAL relationship w/ her, only seeing her EOWend!?? WE would NEVER want to see our kids ONLY that much so our ultimate goal was @ least 50/50 & right now it is 40/60(overall).

I have come to the realization & conclusion that we were a bit naive here. ALthough our desire to build a relationship w/ OC was/is sincere it was just NOT realistic. It has been chaotic for all of us to be on the school schedule we were on while the every other WEEK for summer was MUCH better.

So we are going to propose to OW that we go to EOWend during the school year, continue w/ alternate major holidays (like we already have) & then have the summer so that our % stays roughly the same, (since we would be losing so much time during the school year).

I know OW immediate reaction would be NO for the summers BUT she has to be realistic, she would be gaining the entire school year & the peace that goes along w/ it.
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We wanted a REAL relationship w/ OC but that will never work. OC is NOT a part of our family, she never will be-----she is a 'visitor'. So we have to stop fighting that fact. We wanted OC to feel like a real part of our family & feel accepted. I think she will realize that as she grows.

What we want for all of our children will only be possible for the children who are living in our home. That is just another 'consequence' in this entire situation.

kwim?
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This schedule will bring the peace that we ALL crave, want & NEED.

Hopefully OW will go for it.
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Thanks, I think we make a pretty nice couple too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi KT,

No I wasn't reading your mind. I have just been through a couple divorces and that is usually the way the court system works it when you don't have money to fight it. ex-husband does not necessarily like it, but it is practical and if the mother is a good Mom she usually does get the majority of the time. If she should become a bad Mom then you could step in and try and take the majority of the time. Kids are more stable if they can call one place there home and just visit at the other place. At least that is what I feel. It is only bad if their main home is a stressful place to live. Good Luck!!! I hope everything works out. You seem to have such a big heart.