Hi,

I am new to the forum. I am 29 years old and so is my husband. Married almost 3 years. I just found out that he had an affair, broke it off with this woman and she called a month later to say she was pregnant and going to keep the baby. I am devastated! We have no children. I love my husband and he wants us to work it out, but I am so jealous and confused. The OW wants to be with him and has made that clear and I don't know how we can avoid seeing her. He does want to make sure the child is ok. Pay CS and see the child occassionally, she lives in a different state. Is it possible to make this work or should I cut my losses and run? I am young and we have no kids, but this is so hard!!

If I were in your shoes, and still young, I would cut my losses and run. My choices were taken away. I never knew. You are lucky to have choices. If you choose your H amd marriage, there is NO reason for your H and OW to have contact, ever!

Talk to a marriage counselor.

Good luck.

ember

I know the easiest choice is to cut my losses and run, but I do love him and I was not prepared to lose him this way...he is also unsure about his responsibilities, morally. He has agreed to pay CS but is unsure about how often or if to see the kid...it just kills me that the first child he will have will be with some women he had an affair with...she definitely wanted to break up our marriage and wanted him, so I am not sure...very confused...any advice anyone? How can it be possible for him never to see or talk to her...there is a joint child here. Won't he need to talk to her about the child, status how the child is, etc. I just worry that he start to like her again through this strong bond of sharing a child together. He may grow to like her and want to be with her. I hate the unknown

chica a lot here have re-build there marriages over this. It does not matter if you have kids or not, it's what you think you can handle and what you and your husband do to re-build. With just finding out I think this is to fresh for you to make a rash decision on your marriage. As far as him being in contact with her over the child.....well that goes to trust and your trust with him. Your statement about talking to her might make him like her more....think about that. Either he is going to like her or not. You can't be afraid of that. Keeping them apart will not gaurntee you he will never cheat again or not go back with her. He has to prove to you and you have to learn to trust him again. I'm on the other side of the fence so I won't go into any of the other parts of this. I wish you luck and hope that you and your husband work through this.

Hi There,

I just read your message, and I know what you are going through. (Look at my posting, "turned my life upside down") I have children already, and can only imagine how you must feel. Look at it this way, he's with you, and if she is STUPID enough to bring a child into the world made with someone who she KNOWS is married, let GOD deal with her. Trust me, HE will! As for you and your husband, I feel that if he is going to be truly committed to you, he should not have anything to do with that child. God will look after that baby. It's not the baby's fault, but he can't play "daddy" over there and "daddy" at your place when the two of you do decide to have children together. Since the OW has "chosen" to have the baby, let her CHOOSE to raise it all by herself. Yes, he should pay CS and that's it.No other type of contact should be neccessary. God can fix anything. He is still trying to clean up the big mess my husband made. May God bless and keep you. I feel your pain. You are not alone

I am going through the same think. I am 35, husband 37, OW 22...She is now 6 weeks pregnant. We had discussed having children when he was ready to committ to them/me and not work...February, I got info on later age pregnancy as 35 is later age now a days! He never discussed, just read the brochures and gave back, 2 days afer our 12 wedding anniversary (June 2) he confessed to affair and pregnancy (which was all of two weeks at the time). I still have my doubts of weather is true or not, but that is for me to deal with. What I struggle with his he moved out and has cut MOST contact with her, he claims any they have she starts...(email, calling him at work)He wants to do the right thing for child, although doesn't want to marry a 22 yr and claims he doesn't love her, was ending the affair when she got pregnant. (Had told her months ago he wasn't leaving me for her. And he wonders how she got pregnant, can we stay TRAP anyone...)

Anyway, I would love to have some advice as well...I continue to get mixed messages, we talk/email daily, and have been separated for 3 weeks now. Have only taken two days of no contact.

He continues to reach out to me, about work (threat of losing job over) asked me about seeking legal advice for Job problems. When decision made by boss (to keep but discipline), he called right away, so he wants to share that info with me, but continues to hide any and all contact he has with her. I can deal with it calmly if he tells me right away but days and weeks later, I struggle with it, I feel so betray that he continues to lie to me...Does that feeling ever go away?

How do we repair the marriage, if he says he isn't really trying, but enjoys spending time with me (and have been together sexually since he told me).

He is projecting ahead to what will people say if he has joint/shared custody...He struggles with wanting to be involved with child, on a day to day basis, yet doesn't want a relationship with her.

I have offered to adopt the child, and raise it as our own if he would be interested, he doesn't want to take it away from her...

Help, I need advice!

I am in the same boat...you need to go to marriage counseling and individual therapy..it is helping for me....that will help you gain clarity as well Suzi..good luck!

As for my situation...can anyone give me advice as to whether this can really work....he does want to see OC...so will this ever work out...how can he not ever speak to her and see her? they have a child together....not sure if it is even worth the effort...my husband says he wants to be with me, but I can tell he is conflicted and confused...he says that if it were not for the other child he would have told her to get lost, but now he is confused....help! any advice from those who tried and it did and did not work!

^bump^ for kt and all

Chica -

Don't know how much help I will be but I am somewhat in your situation. My H & I have no children together & he now has a 20 month old daughter w/ OW. It is now 2 yrs. past DDay & we are together trying to work thru this, I wish I could tell you that our M will survive but I don't know. OW in my case has done all that she can to break us us permanently. My H wants to stay with me but he loves his daughter dearly & has never dealt with the guilt & shame he feels because of the A and this baby being born as a result, so that causes a whole other set of problems right there, that is why counseling is so important.

As every situation is different because of the people involved I can only say this to you, if you & your H want to stay together, go to counseling to work on rebuilding your M, IC also if necessary. Read everything on this site, the books by Dr. Harley as well as posting & reading what others have experienced. Then decide if you both want contact or not with OC, get CS in order & visitation schedule if needed.

As a pre-caution I would say to be prepared for the worst if DNA proves this baby is your H's & you decide to have contact. Some but not all OW are very angry that having a baby for a MM did not break up the M & will cause lots of problems if you chose contact, not to scare you but if you read here it seems to be the norm.

I should have mentioned this first, if you believe in the power of prayer, Pray.

Hope this helps. Praying for you.

If I were in your exact situation I would run for thee hills. You are in a different situation. This is his first and now only child and it is not yours. He apparently has a bond with this child. Is this something that you would be able to handle? My H got some woman pregnant but he had two kids before we married and we have 1 child together and another on the way. As a matter of fact the OW is two months behind me. It is a lot harder for my H to bond with this child because he has four that he will loose if he insists on having contact with this woman. The fact that the other woman still wants him is even worse. She has his child now and that alone could strengthen their bond. She will use this baby as much as she can and find any excuse, purtaining to the baby, to talk to him and/or have him come to her house.

If you want to save your marraige you have to set some clear boundaries with your H. I would first insist on NO CONTACT with OW until child is born. She has no reason to contact him if the child is not here yet. Second, when the baby does get here there should be no one on one contact with OW. She messed with a married man and now she has to deal with you also. Go with him to court when CS comes into play. Go with him during visitations and/or to pick up child. I know this is going to be hard even for me but I am not going to give her any room to use this child to spend time with MY H. Where ever he goes, if it involves OW and OC, I will be right there with him.

I am not sure if you have read Dr. Harley's columns but he says that you should NOT trust you husband nor should you husband trust you. That opens up the doors for your H to do things without you and when you or your H allows some OW to come in and be your husbands best friends affairs are very likely to happen. I have been going over some of Dr. Harley's advice thoroughly with my H and he seems to be taking to it. He is being very co-operative thus far. We have not talked about him seeing OC yet.

You deserve better and quite frankly so do I but I have other factors that keep in this marriage other than the fact that I love him. I have loved him for 15 years. I have an established suitable relationship with his other kids mom and we have children of our own. You on the other hand have a chance for a fresh start and an opportunity to be with somebody who will at lease give your marriage a chance before he is out sleeping with other women.

DO THESE DUMB H'S THINK ABOUT THE DISEASES THEY COULD BE BRINGING HOME?

Hi,

Yes, I am definitely on the fence. I am debating whether to stay or go. The only good thing is that she lives in a different state so visitation with the OC will be sporadic. I am going to see how H handles it and if it is bearable or not. I am not sure if it is, so I just want to weigh all of my options before I make a decision. I need to see if he will be ok with never speaking with her unless I am aware of it and seeing the child at a neutral location, etc. We will see.... This is so painful

We know, Chica. We know. I cannot stress enough to take your time...

There are shoulders here if you need to lean on someone!

- Kimmy