I'm very interested in some insight.

At the "11th hour" before our final agreement was set to be entered with the court, my child's father has VERY suddenly changed his mind about waiving parenting time. (which wouldn't have been permanant anyway because it can be changed at any time) There has been no contact for two years, and I'm fine with that.

I do not think there is any "motive" here other than the true possibility that their marriage has healed to a point where they feel contact could be established.

So I suppose what I'm curious about is what they may be thinking right now. Both my attorney and myself feel certain that there IS some thought in their minds to establish visits, otherwise they would not have gone to the time and expense of having the agreement re-drafted.

To put it best, I think what I need right now is to have some different versions of what might be going on in their home and life.

hmmmmmm? do I know you?

No one can really say..but there are possibilities.

MAYBE he has a change of heart and realizes that curiosity WILL get the best of him someday.

OR he hopes that you child WILL make the effort to come & find him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (making him feel like he's 'needed' & 'wanted').

Maybe things really have settled down & he does want some sort of relationship w/ your child. But if that is the case then why isn't he making an effort right now. Why not create a parenting plan/visitation order right now?

I would be suspect.

If I do know you, then you know me & you know that C has been hard to establish when not from the beginning. It has been upsetting to EVERYONE involved. I cannot say (w/o a doubt) that it was best for OC either. OC has gotten to know her 'other family' but it was unsettling to her also. It is better now but relations between OW & us are not good so that creates tension.

My vote is to make it secure for you child as much as you can legally. OC father is either IN or he's OUT, one way or the other. No one likes thier lives to suddenly be disrupted w/o warning. I don't kow what legal provisions there are but I would find some to give lots of warning to you if he did decide to 'come back someday'.

That's just my POV. I think people should make a decision & stick to it & then when the children are adults, IF they have questions......everyone can answer them. JMO.

Hope it works out the way you want.

KT! One of the exact people I was hoping to hear from on this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In my state, essentially I can't stop him from showing up anytime he wants...there is no legal way to prevent it.

I have to be honest...enough time has passed that I'd really rather they NOT decide to have contact. Not because of him, or her, or anything like that, but because I can't really say I think it would be best for my child. The fact is, that while I would always handle myself maturely and appropriately, this will never be a good co-parenting situation. We are never going to be "buddies", and there will always be marked tension. I don't think that's best for the child.
Still, I wouldn't be a ***** or try to stop them if they WANT contact, as long as it's done in such a way that is best for my child. As it stands right now, my child has a stable one parent home. And who can say if someday there may not be a good man in my life who loves my child too...I think that would be better in THIS case than bouncing back and forth between people who are tense and uncomfortable.

If visits had been established from day one, it would be different....

The only way C will work so the children will be happy is for all the adults to get over it! Everybody lies, everybody is capitable of forgiving and get on with what is best for the children. They are the only ones that matter now! You go on w/ your life, XOM and W go on with theirs, get a mediator (they are cheaper) to write up everything. And do what you say you are going to do. Do YOU want the child to know his/her father. Are you willing to do everything to make it work w/ them? Even if it means you don't get your way all the time and you all have to be flexable. Are you black & white or are you ok w/ gray? How do you feel about the wife having and helping with the raising of your child? Is she willing to do this? Children are not pawns to hurt people with nor are they balls to be bounced back and forth and put though alot of hatred, and anger. God does not want this for HIS child! You may think him/her are yours but they all belong to him first and foremost! I wish you luck and hope that all can come to an agreement for this child to know his/her whole family.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

And who can say if someday there may not be a good man in my life who loves my child too...I think that would be better in THIS case than bouncing back and forth between people who are tense and uncomfortable.

If visits had been established from day one, it would be different....

I completelly agree w/ this position, my opinion has been formed only by my own experiences. It is very hard to do these 'things'.

There is no way to know the future but for peace of mind I think you can create some provisions in your order. Such as signing away parental rights, or some form of wording that the 'father' can't just walk in one day w/ full visitations but rather it would be a slow process w/ mediators/therapists or whatever to allow everyone time to get to know each other & explanations made if necessary.

These are just ideas but you will ultimately know your child & the decisions will be up to you. BUT I think it is very probable that when the 'father' is ready.......he will want to jump right in. Maybe not but you just never know.
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Since we did not know or meet OC until she was 4.5 yo, we tried to be sensitive to that. Unfortunately, OW had different ideas as to when, what & how much OC was ready for. So it can be tough. We kept an eye on OC for signs of 'readiness' regarding more time w/ us but OW was suspicious & did not believe OC really wanted to be around us.

Ultimately, OW was not ready & that was the problem. As a mother I can understand that, but being married to OC father, it was unreasonable.
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I guess you can ask your son's father yourself but.......would his wife be upset? Or think 'ulterior motives', whether you have them or not? YOu can question him through your attorneys. That would be safe.
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Really, I think it boils down to your own 'peace of mind' & what that means to you. Do you need to know what he thinks right now or a general idea of what he will want in the future?

I feel for you, your son & his father. It is a hard thing to NOT be married to your child's OP & try to really get a long. Because the reality is......if we all 'could get along'...we'd be married or never in this situation to begin w/.

I don't really have any answers but hope your attorney can get some for you & that you can find the peace that is best for you & your child.
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Personally, I wouldn't even worry about it. (whihc is laughable coming from me, the princess of worry! LOL) But seriously, I would do whatever i flet appropriate through the attorney & then just leave it.

I do remember when OW contacted H to change OC name (way back when) & that was the first C since A ended, he made sure to ask if he was maintaining his rights, even though he had no intention of excercising them & OW "wanted nothing" from him (so she had no intention of excercising them either)....it was still there. So you just never know what can happen in the future.

People DO change.

You just keep hope that it is not too late when they finally do.
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Oh & for clarification purposes HERE, can I ask, are you OW or just OP (other partner) w/ child from a man who is now married?

Really, I think it boils down to your own 'peace of mind' & what that means to you. Do you need to know what he thinks right now or a general idea of what he will want in the future?

It IS about peace of mind. I just need a basic idea. That will help me make certain choices for the future.

I guess you can ask your son's father yourself but.......would his wife be upset? Or think 'ulterior motives', whether you have them or not? YOu can question him through your attorneys. That would be safe.

Actually, over the weekend I sent them a letter. It was very polite, and rather businesslike. I chose to go that route for two main reasons. First of all, I wanted them to hear MY thoughts from MY mouth, not the way they would have been relayed third or fourth hand from me to my lawyer to his lawyer to him to his W....
Secondly, I wanted the letter addressed to BOTH of them to show I respect their marriage, and I honestly do. I wanted them to know I see this as something they should BOTH consider. I have no interest in or desire to come between them in any way.

How do you feel about the wife having and helping with the raising of your child?

Other than the natural feelings ANY mother has about another woman in her child's life, I am perfectly fine with it. It doesn't bother me any more than if my exH (my older child's father) were to marry and have a woman around my child.

It all sounds reasonable. I'd like to know what his response was. Did he respond yet?

(man am I impatient now or what?..so used to instant answers/responses w/ email..LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Kt, you crack me up!

No, I haven't heard anything, nor do I expect to.
I doubt they would contact me directly.
If they aren't interested in setting up visitation, the letter will simply be ignored. If they are, which I doubt at this point, they will speak to their lawyer and he will inform mine.