My wife of 13 years recently had a brief affair with someone she works with which may have produced a bouncing permanent reminder. We have 4 boys so what’s one more? She and I are working to rebuild our marriage. (wow! That’s a lot shorter than the first time I wrote out the story! See link below)

I don’t know any of her friends from work, but she tells me stories. I know how to find this guy but haven’t yet. I spent several days driving past his house, but could never find him there. The message I had for him then was 1) I know what went on, 2) leave us alone to work on our marriage, and 3) If there’s a child, pretend she had the abortion you suggested.

She delivered that message to him in a phone conversation over the weekend. He knows she's PG and now he knows I know.(y'know?)

I still feel cheated that I haven’t had a chance to face him. He may think I am the dork my wife described to him when she was upset with me. (I’m not you know)

Has anyone here had that kind of confrontation?

If he leaves us alone, should I leave him alone?

Don't have much time right now but I wanted to bump this up for you ......... there are others who have been in your position that can advise you better.

God Bless.

If he leaves you alone, yes, absolutely leave him alone.

If he tries to make contact other than "necessary" workplace contact, then I would have your wife write a NC letter, and mail it to him, rather than tell him in person. You can find assistance with a NC letter on GQ or also under Q&A regarding infidelity. If he continues to stick his nose in, then you should confront him.

As far as trying to set the record straight that you're not a "dork"...he's NOT worth it, and who care what he thinks. You know who and what you are, and so does your wife. You're a gentleman, he's a predator.

If down the road you wish to seek paternity, and ultimately CS and contact from him, (which I strongly advise against), you can then make contact with him, through an attorney.

For now, as long as he stays away, I would follow suit, and thank God!

I wanted to add that IMO, I think your wife should still send him a NC letter anyway. The phone convo could have left wiggle room for him...who knows? The NC letter is very direct, and to the point. There should be no doubt in his mind, the door is CLOSED. Also, with the letter, you can take a look at it before she sends it.

Is he married? Telling his wife is another way to throw water on it for him, and rid him of the fantasy.

painter,,,,,,,,, your experience is similar to my own but i am off to work and will reply later.

Dang Autumn, you're right. I wanted permission to give him a good talking to!

The only thing that I still want is to at least see his face once. If I bump into him someday in a store or whatever. I'd like the chance to know to avoid him.

You don't typically talk to strangers in a store, do you? That's what he'd be. Or, does he know what you look like?

As for my H, he has no desire at all to ever look upon x-om's face, know his name, location, etc...

This is what works for my H. Not everyone feels the same way.

I'm praying your W gets out of her current work environment. It's essential.

Painter,

My H and I are 4 yrs past D-day, and we lived right around the corner from xom. Lucky for us, we never revealed the fact that I was P, especially since this guy was very unstable, and had threatened my H's life(this after assulting my H in our front yard after "revealing" the A to my H)! The guy would basically stalk us, but from a safe distance to keep from getting in trouble! When he finally got kicked out of his place(military housing) we could breathe again! There was one point(since there were charges against xom for assult) where my H did talk to him, said that we were willing to drop the charges, if he requested to leave immediately(he was getting a medical discharge), and it went no where to change xom's behavior.

I guess what I'm getting at is it wouldn't help anything, especially if it seems to be a confrontation! I would do what Autumnday has recommened and have your W write a NC letter, with you, and send it to xom. Then, if possible, have your W change jobs! The less contact, the better, even if it's just job related!

Has your W either read or posted here before/yet? I would highly encourage either or both! I am 4 yrs post D-day, and Abbi is now 3(see my sig. line) and can help her see how things can be this far down the road! As well as Autumnday, whose a little closer to where your wife is at right now. We are both here to offer support, advice, or just a shoulder to cry on!

Tigger

PS, just got an email from Aut, telling me that you're robel's H. I apologize for not being up to date on the boards. It's been a busy time for us with the kid's summer camps and stuff at work!

If you two continue to do this stuff together, ie: POJA, NC letter, reading/filling out questionares, and just plain spending the time together and listening to eachother, you can get past all this crazyness and begin your healing!

As I have said to robel, I am here to offer any thing I can to help!

Tigger

Tigger,

Thanx for your story, I should just let it be...
He knows some things about me, I know nothing about him. He knows I carry concealed, so if he thinks he needs to defend against that, I'd better keep my distance.


Autumn,

I think I know how to put this. I am supposed to be the provider and protector for my family. Here is a person that snuck in the back door and poses a threat, but I don't know what the threat looks like. How can I defend my family against that?

OK, I don't have to confront or talk or explain to him, but it drives my nutz not to at least know his face.

Oh, and the workplace thing? There's a sticy wicket! I am self-employed so the biggest reason for her job is the health insurance! If she leaves and carrys this baby to term.... I think you see where this is going. If she gets work somewhere else the P is a preexisting condition now int it?

This is the thing we're working on now. There is some time, her next shift is two weeks from now.

i never contacted xow, and glad i never have so far, though at times I have really wanted to give her a piece of my mind. my H and I have no contact with her and back in the fall when we found out she was pg with oc told her we wanted no contact until paternity was established she was told this over and over and by end of oct. she finally got the message. I know situation is differnet, just wanted to shave how i've handled op situation. God Bless and Good Luck

Thank-you all so much for your words! I think I have worked this to a point that I know what I think I want/need.

There is no need for me to have any conversations with OM. I still want to find a picture or something so I know what he looks like. If I can do this from a distance it would be best.

Still looking forward to hearing from pops.

Morning Painter~

If you need to see a picture of him in order to help you through the process of recovery/healing, then you should do it. Everyone is different, thus we all need different things to help us through. Have you asked your wife if he ever gave her one, or emailed her one? Even though that might be touchy, it would be a good starting point.

I have no record of x-om, other than a recipe card. I wouldn't know how to go about finding a pic of him if my H were to ever ask. Fortunately, it's getting more and more difficult for me to remember what he looks like, other than the basics.

I wish you well. Robel is blessed.

still looking forward to hearing from pops.....

I most definitely wanted to know what the OW looked like. She and my exWS met at AA/NA. They have a number of social friends in that group. I wanted to make sure I would recognize her if she ever came around. Otherwise the exWS could just pass her off as another "AA/NA" female friend.

painter,,,,,,,,,,,,,, sorry it took so long to get back. it has been one wild week with work and kids sports. my 16 year old (today) has been playing on the h.s. soccer team and they have games m,w,f. my 14 year old is going to h.s. freshman footbal, baseball, & soccer camp and playing on a all star baseball team. i am sure glad the rest of the kids are on summer breaks.

when i read your story it reminded me so much of my own. married 20 yrs w/ 7 kids, my w went back to work for the 1st time in 20 yrs and fell almost immediately into a brief 3 mth A. was together with om twice in the PA part and ended up pregnant.

as far as confronting the om? when i 1st read that question it felt like i had a novel to write on it. but in these past few days i have come to realize that it would have been mindless banter.

the bottom line is it all depends on how you feel on the subject.

mho is that the confrontation part will do no good anyway. i confronted my om and i was fairly calm until he started with the attitude of how he was concerned about fh's well being acting as if i couldn't care less about her. then i started to get ticked off. ended up that there were nothing but words said.

one reason i didn't allow myself to go off the deep end and start pummeling on him was that i did realize that if i beat on him i would have to beat on fh as it was her that actually caused the deep pain in my life.

i don't think that it did any good except that i think it kept him away untill after oc was born and fh sought cs. upon my request. that's another subject.


i am however glad that i was able to get a very good look at him so that there is no mystery when standing in the grocery line.

it did however add some personal ego busting as i then and now still don't understand why fh thought him an attractive man. i have come to realize that for her it was not about his physical appearance as much as it was about her feeling he was giving her the emotional needs she needed at the time.

it is good to here that you have someone to talk with. i had an employee that was working with me everyday and he had away of turning things into humorous situations. he made lemonade out of my lemon of a life situation.

i hope that this made some kind of sense because it feels like i am babbling.

No babbling pops.... right on. What I needed to hear.(or read)

Thanx!

Painter:
I so desperatly want to tell OM to stay away. Trouble is, my W has not yet decided if she wants me or him as the man in her life. She is preg w/him, and thinks he should help out with all that stuff.

I am 1.3 months into plan A and it hurts. A lot. I want to tell him that the only way W will know who she should be with is if she ends one relationship. I hope she ends it with him, but it may be with me. At this point, at least I would have a sign.

I think if he stays away, you should too. I think if he was out of my W's life, I would leave him alone.

Thanks for the story pops, I am in the same boat (sinking fast ...) too.

Anybody got the plans for a time machine?

canthishelp,,,,,,, so as not to hijack this thread i will respond toyou on another