I was asked a few questions on a side email, and I thought some my answers would give ya'll a little insight about me. To the person who asked the questions, please forgive my posting here....I got into the "zone" when answering and realized that I'd uncovered some truths (again) about me.

>What was it like in the beginning for you?

Hell. There is no other word for it. It took a LONG time for me to get to a place where I could just let it go. I'm at a point now that "whatever" is my common response to her. If she wants to try for him - whatever. She and I both know he's with me and isn't going anywhere. She can try all she wants - but whatever. Everyone in our family knows she's a kooze - she wants to try take him and be a part of that - whatever. No matter what happens, no matter what she does or says or attempts, we all know, including dh, who the better person for him is - so she can whatever herself to death for all I care. And if he leaves me for her - what-effing-ever! We all know - EVERYONE, him included - that he's a better person with me than with her, and her and her 6 kids would drive him insane (hehe).

>How long did it take for you to have OC at your home and how were things handled
>before that was in place?

Lessee. DDay was in January '03 - we had her Feb. 14 for the first time. You have to understand that she was already born (Dec. 5) by the time he confessed. I thought I was handling everything very well - except looking back I was MAJORLY depressed, and LBing like crazy......Dh was miserable and so was I. That's why he turned back to the tart - she wasn't LBing at him all the time...and that's why we have OC#2 (she thought FOR SURE I'd leave him after that...said as much). Now SHE love busts and not me. I'm cool as a friggin cucumber and it eats her up. She even told me the last time we spoke that she didn't understand how I can be so good and forgiving to her....um, hello, the best revenge is a life well and happily lived....to top it off, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference...and indifference KILLS people who live for drama. Drives them loopier than they already were.

Hope I helped a little. I'll be glad to give you my insights - if you want them. I will say, once I gained control of my depression, my lbing and doubts kinda melted away. It wasn't all at once - it was gradual, but I'm a much better person for all this that's happened to me. Was it right? No. Was it horrible? Yes. But I'm....different....in a BETTER way now. I am constantly learning about me...I have an insight to human beings that I didn't have - some of it regarding the evil in us, but most of the insight is regarding our outstanding strength and resolve. I know where and who to put my hope into. And I know that I love and am lovable....took me a long time to realize that I am lovable - I felt like garbage for so long.

Anyway - love to you! You deserve it. No matter what you decide, it's hard....but you know, no matter what, the journey is worth it - it's the getting to the destination that's a b*tch sometimes.

- Kimmy

-Kimmy,

That's exactly how I feel all the time, like garbage. I feel like there is no future! I am intolerant and have a had time even considering forgiving. I LB like crazy and know that I have a hard time controlling my temper. Taking a long time to get to any peace, and not sure if it will ever come.

But you are a remarkable woman and H is blessed!


JT

ALL our h are blessed. To have had us in the first place. Now if they choose to continue to be blessed.......hmmm that's another story!

Now see, nio, we wouldn't know that much about ourselves if we didn't have to really test ourselves now would we? Imagine where will be in 10 more years? Or maybe we shouldn't imagine! LOL

Either way we will still have ourself & we will look so gooooooooooooooood.

NG, just wondering from dec to feb was this in the same year? I have a horrible thought that we will not be able to see the OC until he is 1 yr or so. I don't want that to be the case. Still haven't worked out all the details on visits and stuff cause the attorney said we need not do anything until the OC is born and DNA is done. But I really don't want this see the baby for 4-6 hours a couple times a week. I don't see how we will be able to make "him" (according to OW) a part of our family like that. TX my be different on the visitation laws but just wondering is that the laws there or is it something you requested and got. I feel if it is H than it should be like if he had gotten a D, its 1/2 his child and we should get 1/2 the time. Another question I heard in TX they can use H&W wages to set C/S is this true? Your insights are alot like the way I feel now and yes it takes time to get there, but it is possible to get there. The first thing I had to do is LET go of the anger, don't you agree? The anger and hatred will fuel the LB'ing to no end! My SIL called me and she was telling me that people that have a forgiving spirt and let go of the bad feeling are just setting themselves up for someone to take advantage of them again? In some cases I guess but I cant go on with my life and feel like that.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ALL our h are blessed </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm blessed to have him in my life, too, and I make certain to tell him so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> dec to feb was this in the same year </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mija was born Dec 5, 2002, and came to our house for the first time Feb. 14, 2003.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel if it is H than it should be like if he had gotten a D, its 1/2 his child and we should get 1/2 the time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In TX, the daddy has as much right to the child as the mommy. Visitation might not be scheduled that way, but that's the way it's set up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H&W wages to set C/S is this true? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hell-effing-no!!! Pardon my French. I'm more than willing to buy stuff for the kids (live for it, in fact), but they don't see a dime of my income.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My SIL called me and she was telling me that people that have a forgiving spirt and let go of the bad feeling are just setting themselves up for someone to take advantage of them again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yah. Okay. Some of us get wiser by the minute, tho. Sorry. Can't be a barney bad a$$ all the time or I'd end up a bitter old biddy. I also think that people who haven't walked through 10,000 miles of burnt gorilla [censored] and lived shouldn't comment on the stink. Once she's btdt, she can give her input and I may take it into consideration. Then again, I may not. But it's MY choice, don't you think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That's exactly how I feel all the time, like garbage. I feel like there is no future! I am intolerant and have a had time even considering forgiving. I LB like crazy and know that I have a hard time controlling my temper. Taking a long time to get to any peace, and not sure if it will ever come.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lemme ask you: feel like you were expendable? Hmm. Did I hit the nail on the head with that questions. How'd I get inside your head???? Because I FELT THE SAME EXACT WAY.

Peace will come. But it's a process.

- Kimmy

PS - Sunny! Sorry if I sounded b*tchy. Dh and I made a pact - I'd go on a diet from my diet pop (I drink. like, 6 a day), and we'd no longer keep beer in the house except for special occasions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Going through caffiene withdrawl......and I'm out of p-nut M&Ms! Rats!

Kimmy -

Thanks for sharing your "go thru" experience it helps so much especially for those of us that are
new to this mess.

I said it b4 & I'll say again & again - U R A Remarkable woman, & a blessing to many here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm blessed to have him in my life, too, and I make certain to tell him so. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Imagine someone saying that in reference to their FWS, but that's what they are...former.

True remorse is a beautiful thing.

True forgiveness...I think might just be even more beautiful.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Got a little more insight to share:

>you depend on me way more than you care to admit to yourself and he said yes and
>became silent and I said you may not be extremely happy right now but you should
>be thank you to gave such a caring, loving, and forgiving wife--

Just my 2 cents for what it's worth....if you can, stop saying things like that. I had to. It only drove Nio's guilt deeper.

>I truly think he wants to be home and married and can't figure it all out though.

Yep. That's exactly it. You're right too, they are so slow...thick might be a better word...it's like they can see the prize, they know they want it, they just can't will themselves to reach out and grab it....what's holding them back? Demons. Yep, you heard me. Frank Peretti described it so well in two of his novels. He described it as people who were sinning had demons on them - the angels in the books could see the demons who were glommed onto the sinners with their fingers in their heads making them say and do things. So your dh has the demon of doubt on him. It's got it's fingers in his brain telling him he's not good enough for you and all other sorts of horrible doubting thoughts.

>I have decided that no matter how unsure I am about things right now I'm going to live it
>up and have tons of fun which I think will really help us

That is EXACTLY what you need to do. Not only for his sake - once he sees you happy, he'll be much more inclined to join in - but for you. You know the adage "the devil loves idle hands?" He loves idle minds more. He'll slip that demon of doubt in every time the more you sit around and do nothing!

- Kimmy

PS. Thought I'd share this conversation - thank you to the person who asked my advice/shared her thoughts with me for allowing me to post my responses here, too.

Thanks Kimmy,

I hope I get to the place you are soon. But I am only six months in the process and it is still hard for me to accept the fact that husband is having a baby by another woman. I had so wished I could give him a baby. But you know OW is wallowing in self pity now. She called husband last night. I had answered and gave husband the phone. He asked her why she had not called him in so long. He said How would I know if you are alive or dead. He told her why she would think that he did not care. I just have a problem that he took her number down where she is staying and said he would call her back later. It irritated me a little that his voice was soft and drippy when he talked to her. The way I like him to talk to me sometimes. I am gonna ask him if he can make his calls in my presence. I do not think that is lovebusting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am gonna ask him if he can make his calls in my presence. I do not think that is lovebusting.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it's a reasonable request - but be prepared for him to be defensive about it. It's a common knee-jerk reaction. Also know that being there IS HARD. I sometimes just get up and walk away. It's better than lbing, and I don't have to sit there and roll my eyes at OWs obvious attempts at goading my dh into an emotional response.

- Kimmy

Hi Kimmy,

I am prepared for that but I am tired of being nice. I have done too much for this man. He relies on me financially. He will have to find a way to pay his cell phone bill this month. I do not have money to pay it. I am tired of doing so much and him not understanding my needs. I am gonna ask and if he refuses and gets ugly then I will just withdraw from him. He responds well to me withdrawing I have learned. When he gets angry I will just get away from him, let him stew and come to his senses. I hope it will work.