I’m at a cross roads in my marriage, whether to end it or continue. My H has a beautiful 16 mos daughter and we’ve been married for almost 5 years, you do the math.

Our marriage has been rocky since the beginning. I was 38 and he 28, devoted Christians we didn’t participate in pre-martial sex however, we came very close. We met in the most perfect way at church in our outreach ministry. We dated one year to the day before we got engaged and married 4 months later. After our honeymoon, my husband was very disappointed with our sex life. In times past, he had the women “hanging from the chandeliers” and I didn’t have the same reaction. I enjoy our intimacy, but I guess after being celibate for 8 years, it was okay. I just didn’t have the same reaction and in hindsight I never thought sex was spectacular, enjoyable but just not earth shattering.

Consequently, towards the end of our 2nd year things got tough. My H was attending college to complete his undergraduate degree and of course he started receiving the attention and the admiration of many of the females in his class. He constantly had late classes, study group or something and our relationship had fallen off quite a bit. With my suspicious nature, I started snooping into his email at home and work and analyzing cell phone bills. My H was carrying on with several women. When confronted, he said that they were “just friends”.

We did the Christian counseling, secular counseling and are still in this “existing state”. It was during the Christian counseling that the OW got pregnant. We waited until the child was born and had the paternity test for confirmation.

We don’t have children and were in the midst of trying when this happened. My husband wants and is very active in his daughter’s upbringing. My family with the exception of my sister and a handful of friends know of our situation. I just don’t have the heart to reveal it to my parents and remaining siblings.

From the time of the reveal to the beginning of 2004 our marriage was extremely difficult. On January 1st, we both agreed to give it our full attention and really make it work. Things for the most part have been good, however, when he visits his daughter he stays until she is asleep so that the OW can study to complete her degree. Sometimes he brings his D home and she stays with us. We are still trying to get pregnant however to date nothing has happened.

This Monday evening my H came home after midnight from the OW. I’m not sure exactly what time. Of course, his excuse was he was watching his D and she wouldn’t go to sleep.

When I came home from work the next day, I hacked my way into his office email account and saw 2 e-greeting cards that he received from the OW from May and June professing her love for him. His email responses were, “...you really send me”…”I miss you and can’t wait to L%#king your lips”. Yes, THAT'S WHAT HE WROTE.

I confronted him and he said he was just flirting, that he has not had sex with her but did kiss her once last year. We discuss and he says he loves me but he really doesn’t have a vision for our future. He says I would be happier with someone else and if I left, he would understand.

Sometimes I’m ready to throw in the towel because I don’t think he’s willing to do what it takes. Other times I try to hold on to my dream/fantasy of a happy family. Do they really exist??

Sorry to be long winded but I need some insight.

HELP!!!

Oh my dear, my heart goes out to you. Huge hugs to you.

We are in a very similar situation. OC was born in May. DNA has not been done but visitaion and support are taking place and both are at OW's place. One difference, my H only spends a few hours that at my request. I am having a hard time with it and I have no idea how you have endured that visitation set-up for 16 mos.

I feel that I am at a cross-road too. I don't like the way it is and I want it to stop soon. I am trying to hold on and be patient but it's difficult.

My H says he loves me and wants to be with me but I doubt it everytime he sees her. If I saw a card like that I think I would have lost it and I think it would have brought all my suspicions home.

We are all trying to hold on but sometimes our H's make it difficult. It's difficult to figure out if they are doing the best they can or if they are just going through the motions. Make sense?

Take care of yourself. Try to talk to him about what you want/need. Why has he not established visitation at your home? After 16 mos, it really should be there. Have you met the child?

Yes, I have met the OC and she is a beautiful little girl. She has stayed with us on many occasions. I would love to adopt her, but that will never happen.

I agree with you. Our Hs' can be so insensitive especially if they think you will never know. Disrespect has been a constant topic of discussion and sometimes I think he just doesn't get it.

I appreciate your response. I'm glad there is a forum to release what's inside. I just not sure what to do. I've been downloading all the stuff on this website to show my H. I just hope he will be a serious participate in reading and implementing the concepts on the website. If not I think we are through. I need someone who is just as serious as me trying to pull this together.

Does your family know about the OC? How did you handle the negativity. My sister didn't tell me to leave him but I know she wanted me to. I can't bring myself to tell the rest. My grown nephew would probably want to do damage.

I agree with luv. Visitation should be at your house. You should very strongly suggest that he spends no more time at her house. If they haven't already they can strike up another affair at any time. I would never in a million years allow my H to spend hours at a time at his X's or the OW's. His kids from the X comes to our house.

According to Dr. Harley you will not be able to recover from your marraige until the lover is out of the picture. I know in this case that is not possible but she should be out as much as possible. Read what this site says about surviving infidelity.

You're absolutely right. However, we had a major argument over this in the beginning. I agree it is time to revisit that discussion. I'm hoping when we go through the materials, it will help open the door for this discussion. Sometimes, I get weary with this.

THIS is INSANE! Now I am thoroughly convinced that every one has completely LOST IT!

1) You admit to some major red flags in your relationship BUT you are still trying to get pg!!!!!! Now HOW is that going to solve anything? You will only be bringing another innocent VICTIM into the madness!

2) Your H is hanging out @ OW home @ odd hours, playing house & you are ok w/ this? Hello.......he is totally cheating on you. STILL! I don't believe for one minute that he is NOT.

3) if he was truly repentent (sp?)& committed to your marriage he would have his child in YOUR home w/ YOU there & OW would not even be a factor. OC could be w/ you guys & OW would have all the time in the world to study or whatever crappy excuse they are making up!

4) that e-card is not just INNOCENT flirting! And even if it was---------uh hello? COMPLETELY innapropriate. I believe he didn't have sex w/ her about as much as Bill Clinton didn't!

5) what arguement was there about it before? He did not want to stop having 'visits' @ OW house "for the baby" I bet right? That is a load of crap. can't you smell it?

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF WOMAN!

This guy is a total liar. He is playing you sooooo well.

I think you know this but for whatever reason you are afraid to admit it. You are so better than this immature idiot that I am utterly ashamed to call a man------he is NO man---he is just a MALE!

In order for your marriage to really heal ALL C w/ OW needs to stop right this very minute! Never speak to her again or @ least not w/ out you present. He can visit w/ his daughter in YOUR home w/ YOU. He can p/u from a nuetral place like daycare w/o OW being there & he needs to ahve a witness (baby sitter) w/ him @ all times since he obviously CANNOT be trusted. There is absolutely NO need to see her in person EVER again!

Stand up girl. Take a real deep breathe & be a WOMAN! You don't deserve to allow yourself to be treated like crap from such an idiot & such a crappy LIAR!

We're here for you & I am sorry to welcome you to the club.

Thanks KT. I appreciate you candor and your honesty. I know if one of my girlfriends told me this nonsense, I would say exactly what you said. I guess at times I feel so desperate. I hate to admit that, but I guess I really do. I really want a family / children and an willing to put up with all this crap. I'm 43 and sometimes I feel like this is "my last chance". I know that doesn't have to be true.

I also hate to give an ultimatum without willing to go the next step. But I believe I must. Besides, I've played it his way these past few months and this is what is happening. You right I'm going to put my foot down on this mess. What have I got to lose. My marriage is in the crapper anyway and I've been contemplating the big "D" for quite some time should he decide to challenge me. I certainly don't want to live like this.

Thanks for the kick I really needed it.

HNH,

Seems as if our situation are a bit similiar, KT gave u great advice, there is not much u can do about the past but do not allow this behavior to continue.

I know what I speak of as my H only saw his daughther at OW's apt. for quite sometime, only recently did that stop, but it is never necessary for it to start. In my case H did not stand up to OW's demands that he not bring his D to our home cuz she (OW) was uncomfortable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Translation she was not happy that he came home & sought to do everything she could to break us up.

If that is the intention of the OW in your life I don't know but there is no excuse for him to be at her house - NONE. Read everything on this site & try to get him to read also, & go to counseling. U two have to be united on this, u have seen OC, this is your stepchild & should be seen by BOTH of u, not OW & H alone together ever.

I pray u two can get thru this but changes have to be made concerning visitation & soon or u r setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

Best wishes to u.

I sincerely hope your H comes around & returns to his FIRST love----God---so then he will return to you.

He is not honoring his relationship w/ GOD living like this either.

I hope it works out.

Keep us updated. Read all about plan a & plan b around here. It might help you to institute those. They seem to work to make WH really WAKE up.

Hi Hon,

I am so sorry you find yourself here. I too could find myself where you are if I am not careful. My OW is due Sept. 15th. My husband has indicated he wants contact and has not agreed for me to go with him for pickup/dropoff. OW lives three hours away. So would he drive three hours to pickup baby for the weekend. Drive baby to our house. Then drive baby back three hours. That would be twelve hours of driveing. Stressful to a baby. He more than likely thinks he is gonna visit baby with OW. I think not. I will not stand for it. I am so sorry. I hope you get this straight with your husband. Your husband has been very cruel to you. Concerning sex maybe he could be a little more patient with you. Maybe he should just explore and find your spots. Or maybe he is just lying as an excuse to cheat. Ever thought of that.

I thank God for you ladies and this website. It has really given me the strength to face the facts. I have read Plan A and B and I plan to implement this weekend. The more I think about it the more incensed I get over how I let him treat me. This helps me to follow through on the discussion. I'm usually not a confrontational person (as if you didn't already know), so this fuels me to follow through.

I will keep you posted on the outcome. Love to you all!!!