Jenny that is something you need to think about then. Seriously think about. If she is NOT healthy then it could create more problems for your family and the oc in the long run. If the oc has a step father who is acting as her father than that too is a different story. It sounds as if your husband is military and there is no way he could be there all the time. All your husband can do is what he can do under the circumstances. As well, the cost to fly all the time (unless your doing it anyway) could possibly put a burden on both families. I think under your circumstances and she has a role model (step father) at least knowing that her bio-father at least is making an effort is worth something. Not knowing all your circumstances were hard to relate too. Now I can understand more. If I were married and the bio-father had not been in the picture for awhile and when the child was older as in 4 or so I think I would relate to what your husband is wanting to do. Even if I was not married and my child was older say even 2, it would slowly have to be introduced etc. Do you know what I mean? I don't know that I would even say hey Jonny...meet your dad JOE. It would be more like Johnny this is Joe.......blah blah....then has time goes on. But non of the less good luck with this ow and what you guys are trying to do. I can also relate to what your saying about knowing the person and knowing the personality. I too can relate to that and believe you on this. Take care, and good luck!!!!

Jenny,

I realize you don't want to give many details, but I was wondering why your H is interested in visitation now, after so long? You mentioned that you have not been in the same area as the OC, so is that why? Also, I was curious if there had been ANY type of contact? Birthday cards, Christmas gifts, etc? You mentioned OW had OC on the phone to your H, has was that a one time thing, or has she done that often?

My reasons for asking are just to establish what kind of idea the OC already has of your H and your family. Do you know what kind of attituade OW takes about it? I mean, does she "badmouth" your H to the child because he's not around?

I get the feeling the OW wants your H to have contact, though I can't figure why...considering she's remarried.

You mentioned a "light but consistent" schedule of visitation. I see nothing wrong with that. That's probably all I would want if my child's father sought visitation. Consistant is the key word here. With the OC 5 years old, it might be a tough road...but as I've said before, it can work if you all agree to act like adults.

You also said:
Based on your principle, which is worse: completely-100%absent-father-whose-memory-mom-keeps-alive, or you-know-me-somewhat-father??

Interesting statement. Do you think that's what she'd doing? Keeping H's memory alive?
I know in my case, I don't think I've ever even said the word "Daddy" to my child.

"Do you think that's what she'd doing? Keeping H's memory alive?"

YES, I do!! She's always pushed, pushed, pushed for a connection and describes teaching her daughter about him. I do NOT understand WHY, but her behavior is clear.

Can't write more now as my toddler needs me.

In what way does she "push" for a connection?

I mean, a five year old is certainly old enough to be curious about her father and to ask questions, and there IS a biological connection. And I suppose the child has a right to know all her mother can tell her about her father...

BUT, is it that? Or something "orchestrated" by the OW? Do you have any idea why she would act that way being that she is married? I wonder if she doesn't think her current husband will be around for the long haul to take the place of a father in her child's life???

Thank you, ntmo.

mNtb, Again, I do NOT know the WHY of XOW behavior!! One possibility is that since XOW has children with her XH and he occassionally sees them, she doesn't want OC to feel "left out". Or it may bother her that she never knew her own bio-dad. Another possibility is she still wants my H, or is seeking some twisted revenge. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I DON'T KNOW!

Keep in mind H left the area before the OC was born and only returned this year. And her push was from Day 1!! She said she hung H's picture in infancy and taught OC that was her daddy (it was OC's first word, supposedly), tried to blackmail H to come see OC, had OC in counseling by the age of 3 discussing H, and I could say more but I don't like giving so much detail. Anyone who knows me or XOW could figure this out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

She emailed and wrote H about OC for 4 years and described OC as talking about and even crying for H. H sent gifts for OC, but nothing behind my back and told her we had no plans to return. When XOW had to correspond with me only (due to deployments), she quit for 2y. Now she TRACKS H DOWN and puts the OC on his phone?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Like our counselor said, it's NOT healthy behavior (for the child!!). Why all the connection and drama?

And no, I do NOT want this nutty woman in my life!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But H feels obligated to this child and my fighting him at this point (6y recovery) would hurt the marriage. H is willing to stop contact when XOW oversteps our boundaries.

I love him, and I pity his pain and guilt. Guilt for hurting me, guilt for "abandoning" OC with her nutty mother (not like he had much choice). This is why affairs are sin: they cause everyone so much pain.
J

Ugh...

Ok, that behavior is just...well...obsessive.

It's one thing to answer a child's questions when asked, but another to force the issue. Why would anyone do that to their own child????

Geez, if I were you, I wouldn't touch contact with a ten foot pole. Sounds like this woman will cause a lot of grief.

Thank you, meN.

Now I look at it this way: if I resist H trying contact, I'M the bad guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , but if I help him have contact and XOW is the one who messes it up... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It's gonna be bumpy, but it's not gonna break us.

See, I just don't "get" her.

Why would a woman behave the way you describe, obviously wanting her child to have a realtionship with his/her father, then act like a nutjob and make it difficult???? And I DO imagine she will...
And trust me, even as a woman with an OC, I have NO problem imaging that a nutjob is exactly what she is....

I wonder what her H thinks of all this.

It makes me angry for the child. It really ticks me off. If you two are will to take this child into your family, I really hope that woman can get her head out of her rear and make it work.