Hi all,

well I was off work yesterday with my d. I was having a fairly good day, I called H at work and talked for a minute. I had made plans to go out with girlfriends on last night, but thought I would ask if he wanted to do something. I called later that afternoon and asked. He said that he would be working until about 10 so that night was a bad night. He suggested saturday so I thought nothing of it ( well maybe not alot anyway).

I went out with my girlfriends and had fun my dad was watching the kids at my house. In the meantime I called and he (my dad) asked when will was coming home to get the kids and I said he should've been there. But since I had not told him I was out I figured I better call and tell him so he could relieve my dad of his duties. Well I called he did not answer so I left a message. He then turned around and called me back 2minutes later.

I told him I was out and my dad was waiting for him to come home so he said that he was on his way home. I stayed out and came home around 2:00am. (we went to a bachelorette party ). well when I got in he was home and my d and stepson(13)were up with him. I put her to bed and got ready for bed myself. My H then comes upstairs for SF. Well he gets it but it was like nothing - just blank. I was upset and started talking to him about how he just acts like he's just doing something to past the time. So he gets angry and gets up and leaves. I mean it's 3:30 am. he sped out of the dive way so fast until it was almost like watching a movie.

I was furious he left my Stepson at home with me as usual. I did not know what to do. He has gotten my Stepson for 4 weeks I learned last night without even asking me about it. He is not living in the house so why would you expect me to have this burden and him just walk around free as a bird. Well anyway I was angry because he would not answer his cell phone so i called OW. to make a long story short she knew of the incident with the kids and their babysitter last night. How did she know? She says that my H is still living with her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She also told me things that she could have not known, unless he was with her. She even had the nerve to tell me that he was only with me on the days that she was out of town ( spent the night at least - he comes home everyday). She told me that he told her that he only oays bills and comes over here because his kids are here and he loves his kids. I was so upset and hurt, but I kept my cool. He has still been lying to me. She claims that they have SF everyday - which is probably true. I know she may have been rubbing it in a little, but there are things she told me that she could have not known unless he told her. She also claims that she knows he's a liar and she does not want anything from him.

Well she can have him after all this I tried to trust him. He called me back about the message I left him about leaving my stepson here while he was somewhere else. I then proceeded to tell him that I called her ands spoke with her about the whole thing do you know that he still called her a liar. Can you believe that he is still lying? But I have had it I see no other recourse but to file for D. I do not want to battle any longer. It appears to me that he has made his decision and now it is time for me to stick up for me. I am so hurt but I don't think that chance after chance to huirt me is helping this situation. I can not believe him and he will not or has not come home. When I ask him to all he say's to me is he's working on it. Working on what lying to me everyday!

Just needed to talk to someone - any response is good from anyone. I am in deep depression and see no future with him. He tells me he loves me and does things that looks like he does, but hey the one thing we need he won't do come home and be with his wife and kids. She says he loves her and talks bad about me all the time so hey Why Wait?

JT

JT - Honey I am so sorry. I am here for you as long as you want. I don't even know what to say. I guess this is one of my fears also. My H is not home and I don't know where he is alot. He tells me he still talks to OW and that is it, but who knows how truthful he is being.

It just makes me sick that your H is doing this to you.

You need to take care of yourself.

Sorry, I am at a loss for what to say. But I am here. Talk to me.

JT - Are you out there?

I just reread your post. I am so angry for you. I cannot believe how your H is abusing you. He is abusing your love and trust. You deserve so much better.

First thing I think you need to do before deciding about a D (I think you need to calm down before you make that decision), I would definitely start plan B. Quit letting him play both sides of the fence - his cake days are over. You are know aware of where he is living, this has to force his hand a little bit. Cutting off all contact with him now will make him realize what exactly what he is losing. Let him spend all his time with her, let him miss out on seeing the kids and you. Take care of you and those kids, and let H take care of himself! Do you have someone who can be a go between for the kids? Would your Dad or a friend be willing?

My concern is your stepson. What exactly does he know? I wouldn't want to send him off to live with OW and H. Makes you wonder why H would not want him there? Is OW unfit to care for his son?? Makes you wonder???

I can't believe OW! She knows H is coming home to be with you and kids, she knows he is a "liar", and yet she hangs on to him. I am not so sure I would believe everything she is telling you. Obviously, they have had contact, but I think she is stretching the truth to push you away further - eliminating the competition. She knows you will be angry and LB. Just irritates me how she is playing this game with your life. What right does she have? What a witch!!

You need to calm down, prepare that Plan B letter, set your boundaries (let H know what is acceptable and not), and take care of you and your kids. You are a strong woman. Time to take control and stand up for yourself.

Hope you are feeling better. I will check back shortly to see if you are around. I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a big hug right now. Hang in there. I am here for you.

Thanks Kris,

I was off for a little while trying to get some sleep, while the kids were napping. I am concerned about my stepson as well. I do not want to send him over into the lion's den either, but I feel like I am being used when it comes to that. H just called and had the nerve to tell me that he does not live with her and that she said that she did not say the things she told me. So I just wonder, What am I doing. I feel like the biggest fool that ever was. I called and left my lawyer a message to get in touch with me. I want to locate her address and then I will see for sure if he still lives there. It's funny he had the nerve to tell me that she said I said everything that I am telling him she said, so I guess she does want to play games, but either way I am tired of being in the middle of it all. I want my kids out of it.

-Kris - I don't know what to do!!! I don't really believe her, but I don't believe him either. I need to be alone. All I can think of is changing the locks again so he does not have access to my house or our house. Because he will still come around otherwise. God is really testing me, but I am failing. or is he showing me that I need to move on. Do you know that I did not even cry last night or this morning. I am sort of numb!!
I think that means that it might be time for me to leave. I prorbably would only get some peace if I took the kids and went out of town, but what do I do with my stepson in the meantime? I just don't know? One way to prove if she's lying about it all would be to find out where the witch lives. Then I could do a pop up visit late at night or early in the morning to see for sure. Any Advice?

JT

JT,

Well, I know that I've never posted to you before, but a couple things really stuck out to me. The first is the LB'ing that I see from your side. Your comments after his SF were a huge LB, and that's obvious by the way that he left. You need to really examine how you have been acting around your H. Yes, he screwed up, BIG TIME, but that still doesn't mean that you need to push it into his face. I have been on the BW side of an A(no OC from those), so I know the frustrations that you are going through with those feelings. Saying things like, "It's just like you're just passing time with me" is NOT something that shows your love for your H.

The second is that you are so quick to believe the xow and not give your H the benefit of the doubt. How many times does the xow, especially one who wants to keep her claws in your H, lie to make you upset? Yeah, your H was lying about many a thing during his A, but you need to look at the intentions for each person that you are feeling have lied to you. Who do you know BETTER, and who are you more willing to believe?

Go back to the beginning, where you should consider your "Love Bank Account" and that of your H. Now, look at what your comments do to the LBA for you from your H. Think of it as a statement sheet. When you say something like that(after SF especially) to a man, ANY man, that is like overdrawing an account, right? Well, your H then turned around and w/drew more from your own account that you have for him, right? See the viscious cycle? This is where Plan A really helps, and where you can come here to vent to keep from LB'ing your H. Plan A to show him your love that you have for him(not being a doormat either!!!), but set a time limit for this plan. If you see little or no changes(either way) set up your Plan B, to save what love you have for your H.

Many times, if the WS is still involved in the A, and Plan A doesn't work, Plan B will be the ultimate kicker! They suddenly see that the BS will not put up with anymore fence sitting! They need to decide which side they want to remain on. They are living in a dream world, with basically 2 seperate lives, and that's not right! If he wants to remain M'd to you, he needs to work WITH you, not against you.

But, that's a 2 way street as well. If he's willing to work, and you're PO'd about something he's done, you end up LB'ing, right? Maybe you need to have some sort of code word or something like that, that when you are upset about something, and you feel you are about to LB, you can take a "time out" to deal with those feelings. Then agree to come back together, and try to discuss the issue in a calm manner. You can even get your H to work with the principles on this site w/out even realizing it, if you can calmly discuss things.

As for his S(your SS), why would he have him for 4 weeks and leave him with you? How do you feel about your SS? Is it something that you can deal with, as far as taking care of him? It could be a huge deposit into your H's LBA, ya know? Just a suggestion, not something that if you aren't comfortable with that I think you should do, but think about it. Where is you H staying right now? I should be more up on your story, but I just felt the need to reply.

I have been in the BS shoes, and can tell you that many times, the LBA's were very low or empty! It's a huge thing, if the xow is supplying deposits, and you are only w/drawing, who is your H going to want to spend more time with? And vice versa, if you begin to make the deposits, and she starts w/drawing, what's going to happen then? Rethink your Plan A, and write up a new plan of action! Stop w/drawing and start depositing, and see what happens.

One other thing that just occured to me, have you found out, from your H, what his EN's are? If not, you need to do so. Then, you need to concentrate on filling those needs yourself! Those are the biggest ways to either deposit or w/draw from the LBA!

I hope that I was able to help in some way. I'm sorry if I'm not up to date as much as I should be about your situation, I just felt I needed to reply to you at this time.

Tigger

tigger,

My H does not live at home I have no clue as to where he is living. OW told me that he was still living with her. So I need to get her address somehow and check that out myself. If he is then there is nothing left to do. I am not going to fight a losing battle.

You did however hit the nail on the head about me LB's all the time. He even says that's why he's not home, but I don't know what or who to believe anymore. She knew things that only he could have told her and yes she did say some things to just make me upset, I know I recognized it. But how do you do a plan a if they just have no conscience about this whole thing or at least that's what she wants me to believe. H had the nerve to call about 30 minutes ago and say that she told him that I said those things to her. She denied eveything that she told me to him or at least that's what he says. I can't see past the hurt and it seems like I just keep getting hurt over and over again.

What next?

JT

JT - Listen to Tigger. She made some great suggestions.

So we learned that you cannot trust a word the OW was saying to you. Stay away from her, don't call her, keep her out of your mind. It is not about her, it is about your M. She is not a part of that. She is nothing!!

As far as H, call his bluff. Tell him you need to know where he is living. Make him show you - you are his W, you are entitled to know where he lays his head at night. I think that if he is not living with OW, then he will gladly put your mind at ease. What do you think?

Like Tigger said, I would keep your SS if you feel comfortable doing so. Its not fair for one thing to put his life in more turmoil. Secondly, it will show your H how much you love both him and SS.

Do what you think is best for you? If you feel you can try to continue a plan A, then go for it. Pull yourself together and show H the best you possible. It is so darn hard when H is not home to show him the true depth of your love. I find mine is second guessing everything I do - like I should be the one that is not trusted. He just can't seem to allow himself to try again. Doesn't believe my attempts at changing are real. Its all in the company you keep. My H is spending way too much time with people who think lying and cheating is right. You tend to think like that after awhile, and then you judge everyone by those people. I keep trying to tell H that he is trying to gain acceptance from the wrong people, that he is throwing away the people who truly love him and the ones he can trust without a doubt. I have learned that nothing I do can convince him of that, he has to learn the lesson for himself. I just pray he opens his eyes before D is final.

Sorry, I am threadjacking. Back to you.

Do not question what God wants for you. God does not like divorce - he knows the pain that it causes. But I don't believe he wants us to hurt either. Just remember, this hurt will end. It is just temporary, even though it does not seem so at the moment. Weather this storm, and live your life by God's rules. He will reward you in the end with the ultimate peace and happiness. That is what I cling to most days. Knowing that my H has the free will to decide to walk out, I get comfort from the thought that God will not forsake me. He will provide me with the happiness I desire in the end. Stand your ground for what is right and don't let those doubts cause you to stray from that. It is so hard to stand up for what is right - your M. There are so many forces in this world that cause us doubt and pull us in so many directions. Stay calm and focused. Trust God - he is the one and only one that you can trust at this point.

I have been thinking alot about my situation lately. I try and push so hard to get my H to see what is right. Sometimes I think he will not see until we are apart. The more I push, the more he resist. I think I need to step out of the way and just let him see it for himself. I know God is working on my H. I have no doubt that he will reach him. Its all a matter of time and patience - God's time, not ours. Be still, be patient, and pray for you and your H.

I am learning that there is so much more to this life than the love of my H. I have been so focused on fixing us, that I have let other important things slide. No more. I am taking control of the parts of my life that I can control, and letting go of what I can't. I believe all of our H's will come around. Our job is to continue to love them and support them. Show them through our actions the way life is intended to be lived. Am I making any sense????

You cannot control your H's behavior, only your own. You are not responsible for the things that he does, only yourself. Keep praying for patience and control over your emotions (anger, hurt, pain). Focus on the good and be a reflections of that good to your H.

I think I am beginning to confuse myself. I know what I want to say, but can't find the words.

Right now, you need to do something for yourself. Yesterday I was so down. My parents took the kids for the night. So after they left, I took a long walk. It reengergized me. Today, I am cleaning house and jamming to some old 80's music. Point is, do something constructive and enjoy. Don't sit around focusing on this horrible event in your life. Let it go and live. And certainly don't make any life altering decisions while you are so down. Give it more time and focus on you.

Love and hugs.

JT,

Well, with the SS situation, you SHOULD have an address for him, as the SS is just that, your SS. You have no "legal" rights to be the one taking care of your SS, and your H should have to provide an address for you to be able to have SS spend time with your H, right? That would help you in finding out about where he is staying, right?

I don't know if I'm just not reading this right, but I don't fully understand the following:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H had the nerve to call about 30 minutes ago and say that she told him that I said those things to her. She denied eveything that she told me to him or at least that's what he says. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like xow/ow is trying to play the "she said/you said" game and make it seem like you are the bad one here. Also, what were the "things you said to her"? And, of course she's going to deny those things. If she admitted them, and they ARE lies, then she's LB'ing him, right? She wants him to believe HER and not YOU! You need to make it so that your H DOES believe you and won't question you, but will question xow/ow!

Are you legally seperated? If not, maybe you should be, and in so doing, the SS should not be your responsibility. Yeah, you are concerned about him having to be near/around the xow/ow, but you need to be taking care of you and yours as well, right? How does the x(wife?) feel about SS going to xow/ow's place? Not sure on that side of things, sorry. I know how hard it is at times not to LB, as I did a little my self this morning! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> But, you really need to work on it as much as you can.

As I said before, really look at how you've been Plan A'ing and maybe re-think your strategy. Take another look at your TRUE feelings for you H, not how you feel when you're angry with him and the situation! Look deep down, see where you heart really is. Decide from there if you truly want your M to work, and how hard you are willing to fight for it. I say that if you want your M and are willing to fight for it, re-start your Plan A, and make that effort to NOT LB. If it still isn't working, then you go to Plan B. But, you need to give your full effort to Plan A first.

Maybe you can even talk to your H, and work with him to figure out that "code word" and he can use it when he's feeling attacked, that you will "go to your seperate corners" until you can both discuss the issue w/out LB'ing eachother, but it should be able to be used by you both. Make your time together as enjoyable as you can, so that he doesn't want to leave to go be with xow/ow.

Again, hopefully I have helped in some way.

Tigger

JT,

I hope u r feeling a bit better about what u may have found out, tigger gave u some sound advice, but if I can just add a couple of thoughts, u should have known where H was staying & u should demand 2 know now, that should never have been a secret that is your right to know.

I wouldn't listen 2 one single solitary thing that came out of OW mouth, what is a lie 4 her 2 tell, u can't 4get that she has been lying & cheating w/ your H so y would she tell u anything that even resembles the truth, she still wants your H, more than ever now. I would not ever speak 2 her again, especially concerning your H.

I would defintely find out where H is staying, if u find out that he has been shacking w/ OW then u might seriously consider PB since IMO that is a serious deal breaker & a vital piece of information he should have shared w/ u.

If he is staying there w/ OW no wonder he doesn't want to come home, I have been that route & know how addicting living in those 2 worlds can b 4 H, & it gets harder the longer he is there 2 make a choice 2 stay there or come home. If I had known of PB I would have did it believe me.

I pray OW is lying but if she isn't u have a tough choice 2 make & whatever u decide I will support u. I know what u r going thru sweetie, wish I could say more 2 try & help.

Here is a bit of motivation...

You will run into resistance and problems in life.

Now when you run into a wall... it's really another door... you just have to find the handle. It's a new day and you can find a way out of your difficulties. Don't give up!

---Jewel Diamond Taylor

Hugs 2 U! {{{{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

jt2,,,,,,,,,,,,, the first thing i would do is call your h and tell him that you are going to call your ss's mother and tell her that she needs to pick up her son as his father is going to be to busy to see him for awhile. let him know that he may have lied to you but his son has the right to know what kind of life his father wants to lead. nad it is not your job to tell him (ss).

this may seem like a huge lb. but i feel it is a boundary that you are setting. you are simply telling him that you are not going to allow him to use you as his personal babysitter while he is spending time with his ow. he must choose which house he wants to live in.

Hi JT2,

I just read your post. I have been keeping up with your story. Your husband is showing you disrespect. It is very serious disrespect to have SF after having SF with OW. I do not blame you for being angry. I am sorry. That is something I also cannot and will not deal with from my man. I would definetly find out where he lives. I would not ask him since he will just lie. I would do as you say and catch him in the act. Your OW is much like my OW. She lies too and tells husband everything I say also. She has started calling my house again. I will not stand for it. I have told husband I will not stand for it because it is disrespectful to me. They talk often and see nothing wrong with it. If he continues his behavior, he will be out on the street. I am tired of being a doormat. If he cannot change, I will be in Plan B soon. I think I would let your husband keep SS. A little dose of reality could not hurt. Maybe it will be harder for him to get SF so much. I am so sorry. I know it hurts so bad. When I confronted my husband concerning contact with OW behind my back, he said he could find a woman better than me. He said he did not want OW. He was talking about a new woman. I told him if he thought he could find somebody better than me, Go for it, But I doubt you will. Later after his anger he was wanting to kiss on me. I still think my husband is a cake-eater just like your husband. My husband is not living with OW because she does not have a home.

JT, I've too never really posted to you, but can I give you a point on the other side? First of all, I have to say though if she KNOWS he's lying I can't for the life of me figure out why she would still want to be with him. But to be honest, I think she is telling you the truth with some rubbing it in your face as well. I would never do that but I have a whole different perspective on things. First of all it's no longer about xmm and myself, it's about my daughter......end of story. There marriage is non of my buisness and frankly I was his theripist for way to long and I retired from that job he can go hire someone for that. I think he is still lving with her. My girlfriend and her husband split for awhile and he refused to tell her where he was living. He lied to her and said it was with some guys from work, well she followed him and did some PI work herself and then showed up over there around dinner time one night and he ended up answering the door in his underware <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ....that did not go over to well. They are back together but he has still to this day not admited to any of it. They have a horrible marriage but stay in it for the comfort they are both use to and he does his thing and she does her thing after she is done taking care of the kids her job and there home and grand child. He is alos sick now and she feels she needs to be there (he's very sick and they can't figure out what is wrong with him). I know if I were to answer questions from xmm's bw I would tell her the truth, which I'm telling you right now would be a totally different story than his, as he told me what he told her wanting me to agree with his story. I would NOT however go into the sex life persay and very personal things with that. He also knows me well enough to know that I'm not going to go there anyway. Not to protect him but because I'm done with him and his lies. I'm done playing these stupid games and it's NOT my problem...it's his. A comment was made by someone that you know your uh better than this ow. Well that is true, but he is lying to you and your catching him in it. I'm not telling you to divorce him by any means. I am telling you that whoever said doing Plan B might be what you need to do. You are already at your wits end and ready to divorce anyway so what do you have to loose to do Plan B. I know there is an issue with the stepson right now. I too agree that he should be with you and not in the situation with your husband and ow. He's here for a month and I can't believe his father is not at home with him and putting him on you no matter what your relationship is with him. For it being very good or not. Do you know what I mean? I know it's easy to say that the ow is a lyer cause she knew the man was married and still slept with him blah blah blah but you know what.....it takes two to tangle and she maynot be lying to as much as you think. She may also is adding things in her story to you that should not be said just to hurt you as well. I don't know that I would talk to her anymore myself. Just as your marriage is your problem his relationship with her is her problem. Under these circumstances do you really think he is NOT lying to her as well and even if your not in the picture with all his actions he will eventualy do the same thing to her. IF he was that much in love with her, he'd not be sleeping with you and her. He'd of left you in the right way (if there is one, but I think you know what I mean), he'd have a open relationship with her and his SON would be with her. So I just wanted to share what an xow sees in your story. Trust me, I'm a xow who does feel horrible about my actions with this mm. It happened, but it was wrong. I can also tell you I once was a bso. So I can't believe I ever got into the relationship in the first place. But I'm so sorry your in this and take care of you and your kids. ANd JT, if you have kids with this man you have every right to know where he lives. There is no excuse for that.

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 12:50 AM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

I whole heartedly agree w/ pops. Call the X-wife. LEt H know, nice & calmly that you CANNOT be responsible for ss. Legally you can't. If something were to happen to him......you're hands would be tied.

I am so sorry for this. Maybe H IS still involved w/ OW. I don't know but I STILL would NOT believe OW for 1 minute. If there were specefic things that she 'confirmed' then it may prove he is in C w/ her but still. Ow has told me so many stories that are 180 opposite from what H has told me but some were so ridiculous & some were 180 opposite from things I had actually witnessed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Proving that STOW will lie through her teeth if she thinks she can get away w/ it.

I am so filled w/ sorrow FOR you & I feel the pain as if it were my own.

That 'numbness' you feel.....part of your survival mechanism. You have felt the worst already & the rest.....you have survived it already & you will continue to survive this.

I would seriously consider 9& then follow through w/)a legal SEPARATION. You NEED to set some healthy boundaries for your self. H needs to have some consequences here.

Let H make the choice now & see how seriously he will take it when he sees how serious YOU are about it.

I sincerely feel your pain & I am so disappointed for you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
**********
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Another piece of evidence (to add to my growing list) that everyone has gone completely insane & the inmates are running the asylum! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

WEll I here what all of you are telling me and I have come up with some of the same solutions. I have contacted my attorney and asked her to find an address for the OW and then I will see if H is living with her. If it proves to be true ladies no matter how hard it is I will have to move on with my life without him. I have been without him so to speak for this long. I deserve better and my kids deserve better. I have tried to go over in my head how hurt I have been and I can not believe that he would have such little feelings for me to continue with this thing with her. I am at the bottom of the barrel. Today I feel so unhappy. I had a talk with him on last night again about this and he swears he wants his family,but what the heck is he really doing about it. I have heard enough I need to see actions. Do you know that after talking for an hour H was downstairs with the kids when I went to bed. The baby woke up and I went to check her and he was gone. Car gone. I called his cell early this morning and no answer the VM came on immediately so the phone was off. She told me that he keeps it off every night. I don't know who to believe I am tired of not knowing.

One day I feel as though I am doing the right thing then I feel like I am a fool the next minute for even giving him the opportunity to do this. (soory for the run on) I am at my wits end. I am thinking about just changing the locks again so he can see just how serious I really am, but that is the mistake I made in the beginning and now OC will be the result of that.

I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I am lost living daily in a world of doubts, fears, anger, and disarray. Is there an end to this madness. I am holding because of the kids and I think he knows that. He is using that and me. Why won't he just leave us alone - leave me alone!! GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

JT

JT,

Please know that God will help u thru this, & he will show u what u need to do.

As much as u dont' want to lock him out, u know what u r willing to deal with & him living w/ OW & lying to u about it, if that is true, will give u your answer.

He still has not told u where he lives? And if he lives alone u should be able to reach him at anytime, no cell phone should ever be off. My H lived w/ OW for 8 months, but I knew that & chose to deal w/ it, not one of my best judgement calls btw, no one would blame u for PBing him if this is true.

My heart aches for u, it really does, A & OC on the way is bad enough, but to ask u to endure him living w/ OW & the continual lying is too much. As for your SS I would take care of that too, that should not be your burden, I know u hate to see the boy caught up in this but right now his father is not thinking about any of his children, he is being totally selfish & only u can put a stop to this, if u r ready to do so.

I am praying for your strength to do what u have to do & praying that H is living alone like he led u to believe.

JT - Just checking in to see how you are doing. I wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.

JT2
I am so sorry. This is just not fair to you. I think tigger had some good advice for you. Get back to basics. However, that basic my need to be Plan B.

During one of our seps. my H did the same thing. Moved out and did not tell me where he was living. Said with XXX, a male friend but would not give me his address or phone #. Said he did not want me disturbing his life. Well, I did a quick drive-by one morning on my way to work and saw one of his cars, which I knew I would.

As for who to believe, do what my mom always said. Believe none of what you hear and only 1/2 of what you see. Not sure if that is great advice but it could help a little here. Don't believe OW right now, don't believe H either but if you see with your own eyes, then I would say move that 1/2 to 100% because you not only heard but you saw. Make sense? I am starting to ramble.

Like others said, take care of yourself. Try to relax if you can. Tell H that for a weekend, he needs to take SS and kids and let you have some alone time. Geesh, it's the least he can do for you.

Hi JT2,

I agree with Luv, Give husband all the kids. Even better. He is your husband. You know he won't do anything to hurt the kids. A dose of reality cannot hurt. Let OW see what life is like with the kids if he is staying with her. If he is staying alone having the kids is only fair. He has had all the breaks. It is his turn now. Plan something and just tell him you can't take the kids. Good Luck. Plan something fun for you. You deserve it.

So you "catch" H in a lie BUT he says that OW is lying? ok what does he say she is lying about? Did H flat out say, "I don't live w/ OW" ???

AND DID he give you his address, take you to his place & if NOT, then WHY? HE says he is telling the truth but refuses to PROVE it to you? That means HE IS lying.

What DID he say? How does he now justify not being @ home and/or @ least telling you where he is?

AND @ this point......no reason or justification for having cell phone off. He is untrustworthy & needs to start being available if he was telling the truth.

You are not confused @ what to believe you are only confused about what you WANT to believe. If H was serious right now he would be trying his damndest to convince you he was telling you the truth & that would mean giving solid proof. The burden is on him to provide proof of truth NOT on you to prove he is lying.
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Personally, JT, I don't believe in getting a divorce, especially when you have not even tried plan B. Get serious about it. It is for your own good, H own good, kids own good.

And so what if you call your lawyer. What are you gonna do? You fill out some paper work & stall a while longer? Will H even take it seriously? But if you get serious & go incomunicado maybe he will start to take you seriuosly & your marraige & family can be saved.

SERIOUSLY, how many OW "go dark" & avoid all communication w/ MM & it actually WORKS-------so why don't you do it. MM seem to come back around when they aren't the ones calling the shots.
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I really feel for you. I felt like I had gotten punched in the stomach myself when I read your post here the other night.

Take a deep breathe. One day (or minute) @ a time.

JT are you afraid to do Plan B until after the OC is born? Has your H said he wasn't going to be at the delivery? Or are you afraid he will just say that you gave up and go on? Read up on Plan B and go over to that forum. Yes they might not have OC on the way but they can give you some insight on the different plans.
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