No big surprise what my vote is...

You can always get a D.

However, it doesn't have to be RIGHT now, does it?, (never good to make such a monumental decision under such stress and when emotions are so high anyway)

What difference does a couple weeks or a couple months make in the scheme of things?

Especially when Plan B might just work?

If it doesn't, then ok, maybe it will be time for Plan D.

It's not too late to do Plan A things in the meantime.

He's probably gotten to the point where he expects your volatility at every turn.

Shock the hell out of him...be calm and kind.

What have you got to lose?

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

at this point AD I have nothing to lose. I have lost everything that was important to me already. He also stated on yesterday that he was tired of coming home to the same argument over and over again. H stated that he can't and will not live like this. Okay I have not gotten any better about not bringing it up to him. The pain and agony is just to much for me.

I did decide however that I will allow my SS to stay the 4 weeks with me because he needs me and the kids just as much as my kids need him. They do love him so much it breaks my heart to make them unhappy just because I am unhappy. If it is a crutch for my H then it will just have to be. I will not upset the kids home anymore because of our situation. SS loves being with us and is excited about it. You should see all of them when the little ones wake up they immediately run to his room ro love on him. He never turns them away. He plays with them as long as they are awake and let's face it he is good help to me with them. I may be wrong about that decision but I think the that is what the Lord is telling me to do. Plus one big mistake I made in the beginning of the marriage was shut SS out when I was angry at H. That was not right then and I am not going to do it again!!

No I have not done one thing about plan A. H does not say he is going to be there for the birth. He will not even discuss anything with me about it. I guess it is because I constantly blow up in his face. I can honestly say that if he is still living with her I don't think that I can stay with him. I would not want to be lied to constantly which is what will happen because he knows how I feel about the situation. I pray that it is not true.

Ad- if it is true I will not file for D right away, I will try to do a plan b, but not for long. I will then go on and file for D and get on with my life. My devotion today was taken from Habbakuk 2:1. Pastor was talking about asking God "How Long" must I endure this. He stated that " God does answer us but we get so caught up in the devil beating us down that we dwell a lot longer than we are suppose to in the pain. He said that God has given us an answer we must just keep on his path and make it through. Though the devil is constant we must remain constant. So I must rubuke the devil and go on through this in order to get to what God has in store for my life.

So Thanks again fro the encouragement - Keep it up I need it SO MUCH!!

JT

Hi JT,

I do not think it is all you. I think your husband is trying to lay all the burden on you. He wants it to be your fault the marriage didn't work instead of takeing half the blame. JT, I think you have made an effort. If my husband was not staying home with me I do not think I could make the effort you are making. Plan A is very difficult to do when the husband is not in the home. I feel so bad for what your husband is putting you through. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

JT~

I've felt for a very long time that a M on the road to recovery is within your reach, if only you reach out and grasp it.

I believe your H communicates his willingness for the M, time and time again. Granted, he does it many times in an LB manner, but as Tigger suggested, the two of you are in a LB cycle. You match LB with LB.

He's told you he hates coming home to the same argument.

So stop arguing.

It takes two.

If YOU stop, he can't very well argue with himself, can he?

I agree whole heartedly with you...him living a double life cannot be tolerated. If you want the M to work though, you need to approach things differently. Tell him honestly, how it hurts you if he's still seeing her. Don't do it with anger, disrespect or in a demanding way though.

Don't look at this whole mess in a big huge chunk. Tackle a little at a time. Don't look so far down the road...it is bound to be overwhelming. Tell yourself, "I can be kind and calm for X amount of time...then if I feel myself slipping into the pit of anger, walk away from the situation".

JT, have you forgiven him for his past sins yet? He may not deserve it, but I guarantee it is the best thing you can do for YOURSELF.

Release it.

Stop carrying it around.

It's a heavy load.

JT, from all the things you've posted about convos with your H, I honestly believe he doesn't want the ow. Right now, she may be more welcoming though.

He is looking for the welcome mat at home...put it out, and just see what happens.

Think of it as a challenge, JT...you seem like a woman who likes a good challenge. Challenge YOURSELF to be kind, welcoming, and calm...

Really JT, I think you will be delighted with the results. I believe your H is ripe for the pickin'...he has stuck it out through all your LB'g for a reason.

JT,

My brother's been married 3 times. The first marriage had two children. The second one. The third has no children of his own, but her two.

The first two ex wives have been known to have a pretty good relationship between the two of them. Their children have been welcomed at each other's special occasions - even after wife #2 was no longer attached to my brother. Her mother had set up college funds for the first-marriage children and that has not changed. They are siblings.

Establish a good relationship with his ex, so that your children and her child can continue their loving sibling relationship.

Then you have prepared for whatever happens!

Thanks Ad,

I will have to try harder to forgive him. No I have not forgiven him because I continue to bring it up. i do so out of fear. i can not do it any longer though. I hope you are right and he is reaching out to me. i see it but i look so far ahead and see the pain and go from there. i will try to live my life day by day. i will try to lay the welcome mat out for him to take, however if he is still living with her and lying to me daily i see no hope in doing that. i don't want to be second and i can not live with him lying to me again. okay if you are not ready to come home, but don't remain in the same situation that you were lying to me about before. i will not tolerate that, I can't then i look like the fool again.

I hope that God sees the good in us and brings us through this okay.

JT

Well just thought I would update you all. I have her address from my attorneyy who found it Sunday. My H spent the night at home on Sunday so I could not tell if he lived there or even goes ther or not. We had a good evening on last night, but around 11:00pm he head to go somewhere to handle some business he said. But this business lasted a very long time. No he called me at about 11:45pm to get my dad's new cell number, but I did not hear from him again after that. I woke up at about 2:00am and no H was in the house.

So I packed the kids in the car and went on a search. I got the directions to her house off the internet on Mapquest and began to ride. I got as far as one street from the house on the directions sheet and my H calls my cell from home. I was relieved but then angry at the same time. He asked me why I was out with his kids at that time of night - I told him I had some business to handle. He got angry and hung up the phone. so I headed home because now I would not have caught him there so mission aborted. The kids were still alseep.

He called back about ten minutes later, I did not answer, he left a voice mail message - " you are out this time of night acting like some whore and you've got my kids out with you. I don't give a da#$ about what you do but you better not have my kids out this late again." I did not even get angry I just laughed it off and went home.

When I got home he started again I put the kids back in their beds and tried to go to sleep. He keeps telling me that he doesn't care just don't get the kids involved. I reminded him that he does not live there and where ever and whenever I choose to leave the house my children go where I say they go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I tell you I think God kept me from finding anything. My H kept on LB's me, but I really did not even respond. I made sure not to tell him that I was out looking for him. I really think that he may only care for the kids. I don't know.
My attorney has a PI friend that will be following him for awhile to get the proof if any that I want. I am afraid of what may come up, but I don't want to live in this lie if it is one.

If he can't make a choice then I will have to make one for him. I don't think either of us will like it very much , but if there is no TRUST then there is nothing to begin with!!

Keep me in your prayers,

JT

PS - we argued until about 4:00am this morning I am pooped.

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Hi JT2,

How dare he. He was out at 2:00 PM at night handling business but you can't. How fair is that? So sorry he is putting you through this. I am sure you will get the answers you need soon.
Bravo to you for not luvbusting back

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

JT,

It is good that u have her address but did H ever tell & show u proof of where he is living?

I can understand u not wanting to know but u need 2 know. If I had the money I would have hired a PI long ago but I don't.

My hat is off 2 u 4 not LBing, I know that took a lot if he was doing it 2 u.

Keep praying & seeking God 4 answers. I am praying w/ u & 4 your family.

Well just got back to work after having a lunch meeting with my attorney. I am feeling alot better - she has informed me with all the information I have obtained I will have no problem with a secured divorce and settlement. I have not decided to do such but if H is still lying and living with her I will let it go immediately. I will not be able to ever believe him. This will then be the proof that he had no intention on getting his family back together.

I can not accept being lied to or even taken for granted. He claims that he is a chrisitan and wants his family, but we shall see. The investigator will notify me with what ever he finds this weekend. I pray that OW is lying through her teeth and my H does not live with her. I can even accept if he may see her, but living with her is a slap in the face. I have already been bitten by that bug and refuse to get eaten by it.

BBYG, No H won't tell me where he is living - he just swears that it is not with her. I am sick to my stomach thinking that this is true, but I have no other choice but to find out on my own. H is not telling me anything - and doesn't mind it being that way. So I guess I'll let the chips fall where thay may. H said that I was mad just because i am not in control of him. That may be part of it but I just don't know what else to do at this point!!


JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JT!

I'm here for ya! I'm praying that the OW is lying, but if she isn't, you do what you gotta! You've def. given enough!

HUGS!

- Kimmy

I hope she is lying and I will say again I have always thought that your's would work--I have always had faith in it so I hope he doesn't let you down.

Mine id different in the fact that H has no contact and OW didn't even tell him OC was born etc.--she has returned any of hisphone calls since Feb.

She lives on with her mom and stepdad onthe property where H use to work and my dad works and my dad would know if their was some contact.

Also, my H doesn't seem to want C with the OC.

I feel for you and I'm praying for you.

Hi JT2,

I am so glad you will get the answers you need this weekend. I hope for your sake that it is the answer you hope for. We support you whichever way you go. I am sure the suspence is killing you.

{{{{{{{JT2}}}}}}}

Thanks you girls,

I really thought that I would be on the edge of my seat at this point, but I have not been. I asked God to give me peace and he has. i hope that H is telling the truth, but I am afraid to hope for the best. I continue to pray and faith in God not man. If it is to be God will allow it to be. I do know that this is the last that I can give. I have nothing left, but to become the best person that I can be whether I with him or not. I want to be better, I want to be a good wife to whomever that may be with.

H has had his chance to make things right. So if he is telling the truth then I can be happy in knowing that he is trying to save his marriage.

Keep praying for me - daily,

JT

I am so glad you are finding peace. I am too. But I dread the hassle of a separation if that is what it takes. I hope for the best for you.