sorry to here that this monster has entered yours (and anyone else's life, man or woman).

what i am about to say may be very much contraversial (sp?) to mb principles but i strongly feel it was the biggest single item that forced my w fullhouse (fh) to see what she was about to loose with her carrying on with her A.

i completely understand how hard this is on you.

a good friend told me early on before fh had started her PA to stop all the chasing and following her around and start doing things with the kids and friends. start living again. if she wanted ti join us great but if not it was her lose.

well i didn't heed his advice at that time. instead i waited until after she had stare her PA and was in the fog stage of what she wanted out of her life.

with the knowledge of her PA/pregnancy and with her admitted confusion of what she wanted i felt our marriage was over. i was still upset at seeing such a long relationship end. at the same time the real heavy sorrow ended for awhile (it would return later). i started doing things with the kids again and visiting old friends, going to adult bar-b-q's and actually dating (although minimal).

imho when she saw me moving on with my life and leaving her behind that was the item that allowed her to see what she was losing.

i don't know much of your story but i will encourage you

1- join a gym to burn off unwanted or needed frustrations. positive side benefit is that you will feel better physically, most likely look better and be healthier. a much more appealing mark should your marriage end and you have to start life over again.

2- start doing fun things with your kids. positive side affects are good times your kids and you will remember, a chance to get emotionally closer to your kids then before, a chance to show your kids what real inner strength is and it will show your w what she is missing out on as far as family goes. this was especially evident when i would take the kids to my family affairs.

3- plan and attend some adult activities with friends without your w. let her stay home and babysit. positive side note same as above.

4- if the chance permits go on a date. this does not have to include sex. just a friendly date to get out and have a casual diner and maybe a movie. positve side note is it will show your w the fun side of the man she married.

another short story is that another very good friend of mine who had gone thru his w having an A 10 years prior to mine said this to me, and i quote "dude, don't worry. if things don't work out with fh it's a smorgasborg out there".

after my brief stint of going out i can tell you that my experience proved him right.

i am not telling you to give up on your marriage. just don't sit around and worry or about it. get out and get your mind off of it for awhile.

I think you are right,

Families of Drug Addicts are told similar stuff. Live your own life, do not babysit them or enable the addiction. An affair is an addiction so should be treated much like a drug addiction.

I am not sure what you mean by dating?

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

for me dating started when i began attending adult get togethers with old friends of mine that fh and myself used to hang out with many years ago.

i met some old friends that were single and recently single and we had diner or lunch together.

there was no sexual activity between us. it was just someone to talk and laugh with.

now what i thought fh saw in it was:

1- after going to the gym for about 6 weeks i had lost 30 lbs and if i do say so myself was looking and feeling like my old hound dog self. meaning i was finding new confidence that i had lost after years of marriage. i was also getting back into fighting weight and shape because i had plans to really hurt om and i wanted there to be no doubt about the outcome

2- she saw me enjoying myself with other people and it reminded her of the person she had fallen in love with so many years prior. and

3- and i think it showed her that if i moved on with my life she would be alone for the first time in over 20 years since her om and her had parted ways. i ma sure she felt that a woman with 7 kids and the last from an A after 20 years of marriage would not make her an appealing target for anyone serious about a relationship.

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

Pops,
Thaks a bunch for the post.

I am trying to move on as best I can with my life. I am striving to become a happy healty person, more so that what I was. I think your advice is great and while I may not be ready for dates, I am ready for my life.

Trouble is, that is a big change for me. I have always been the type of person who had one or two close friends and everyone else was just there. For the last couple of years, my W has been my only friend and if I meet someone else to talk to about stuff, I may lay it on too thick. I cannot give myself too much to other people and doing things w/out my wife usually means leaving my kids, which I hate too.

I do have to do much travalling in the near future, and may lose my job due to a location closing. My only option would be to move (out of state), which my W has not wanted to do. She said yesterday "If we move, I will be all alone again" She forgot about me, and when I reminded her, it only helped a little.

I wanted to ask how you told people about the OC. My W is going to start showing soon, and we are not sure what to tell people. Most of my family (all) and my friends know about the A and the timing is too close for them not to figure it out. Any advice or history in that regard would be great.

Thanks again, and I would really love to hear how other people reacted to the news of the OC.

Pops
Good advice, as always and your are right. I did that with my H every time we sep. The last time just about killed him. I was enjoying my life, I went out on one date and I was so strong. However, as soon as he gets me back things change again. Not sure if I just don't do it long enough or what.

Can,

I also have no close friends. Mostly acquaintances. My husband always ridicules me for having no friends instead of feeling good that he is my only close friend. But it seems now that he is not really my close friend because he does not confide in me about what is really important. So sorry. Good luck with makeing new friends. About telling others, you really do not know who the baby belongs too so tell them nothing till you get a DNA test.

cth,,,,,,,, as i said earlier with the knowledge of my w's unwanted pregnancy and her being in the fog i had drawn (turned out prematurely) the conclusion that my marriage was over.

that allowed me to regain some of my lost composure and face the fact that i was headed for divorce.

i had aquired many attorney friends in the last 20 odd years of coaching youth sports so i started seeking legal advice from them.

i also realized that i had done nothing wrong to cause the break-up of my marriage. when family and close friends would ask what was wrong when i was acting down i would simply start by telling them that i was headed for divorce. from there the conversation took care of itself with the typical question from them of "what happened?"

in my case everyone knew that i had had a vasectomy after our last child. in fact i think we even threw a party to celebrate it. you know "finally fh and pops have figured things out party".

so there was no hiding the fact when fh started showing that the baby wasn't mine.

and i have always been a talker. fh has never been able to understand how she can leave me alone for 1 minute in a grocery store checkout line and when she returns i will be in a full blown conversation with the person next to me.

lmf,,,,,,,,, imho what happens with your h is when he sees you acting independently he becomes sort of jealous and fears losing you. then you allow him back into your life and he resumes his old ways because all is back to normal now.

the next time that separation happens and he comes crawling back tell him that "you are not sure you believe he is serious and don't want to fall back into the same rut." then don't take him back right away.

short story here about how this can work.

our oldest d was a real handful from the time she was 13. she thought she was 20 on her 10th b-day. anyway when she was 17-18 she met this jerk. she started stealing from us and her siblings, wouoldn't follow any of the house rules, wanted me to allow her boyfriend of 2 weeks to move into the house with her and had virtually dropped out of school. she ended up living on the street with this guy at 18 and then moving to fresno (for what only God knows) with him. her mother and i were going crazy watching her throw her life away. the constant battle to try and save her was killing us.

finally we decided we had too let go. we told her we were here if she needed us. within 2 wekks of going to fresno she called and wanted me to drive up (5 hrs each way) and bring her back. i told her no becaue i didn't believe she had changed and her mother and i couldn't take that heartache she was causing us anymore. well she called for 3 weeks and finally i could here it in her voice that she was ready to help herself. so we went up and got her and she has been a changed person ever since.

ok so it wasn't a short story but, the point is that by returning to your h so quickly he never believes that you are truly serious about starting your life over without him.

i think they refer to this here as plan A and/or B.

To all, thanks for the advice and stories.

The theme I am sensing is to try and be the best person you can be and if the wayward spouse does not see it, well, I guess then you know. And if they do, try to heal.

That is what I am trying, to be the best that I can be. I am having trouble convincing others that I am not letter her walk all over me. Sometimes I have trouble convincing myself.

At least I still believe that parts of her love me and she does not want to hurt me.

I will be back tomorrow.

Thanks again.

Don't worry about convincing others of anything.

It's your M and future at stake here. Not theirs.

It's your life and that of your children's that will be affected by your decisions. Not theirs.

Listen to their advice, but don't waste your time trying to convince them of something they will probably never see differently anyway.

I wish you all the best. These first few weeks are the worst. Especially if your W is still not facing reality.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Listen to their advice, but don't waste your time trying to convince them of something they will probably never see differently anyway.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Listen to this. This is the God's honest truth about these situations. NO ONE, EVER, will truly understand what you've been through or what you're going through except people who have btdt, and God, of course. It took me a little while to realize that NO ONE has a right to comment or conjecture on my relationship unless they've lived through something similar.

As I told Sunny when she was told that people who forgive are setting themselves up for being hurt again:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also think that people who haven't walked through 10,000 miles of burnt gorilla [censored] and lived shouldn't comment on the stink. Once she's btdt, she can give her input and I may take it into consideration. Then again, I may not. But it's MY choice, don't you think?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- Kimmy

Well, I have some news to share and I would love everyones first reaction if they were in my shoes. Or at least what they think, because even pretending to be in my shoes sux.

My wife may be having a miscarriage. Her hormone levels have stopped at about 9100, they should be well over 20,000 buy now. W was unable to explain what the number means, but the Doctor wants to do a DNC tomorrow. They told her no more than a week from now. She wants to wait to make sure.

How should I feel?

She is in a lot of pain and I am trying to comfort her as best I can, but she still resists me.

Well, I am sad this happened, but I hope it means we may be able to get to work sooner. I hope my W sees it that way.

see ya

canthishelp,

obviously, miscarrying could be good for the marriage in a case like this and no one could blame you for being happy.

That said, please be careful your feelings don't come off as love-busting for your wife. Don't cheer it on. Don't be callouse of W's physical or emotional pain.

I've had 3 m/c and 1 full-term loss. As a mother, it's horrible. I can only imagine that the m/c being fathered outside the marriage could give her very conflicting feelings... if she does feel happy, then she could feel guilty for feeling happy, she could feel guilty she's being "punished" (by God or whatever) for the A, even, possibly, like she "killed" her kid with her behavior... raging hormones do not help mental/emotional stability.

So if you want to work on the marriage, this is a good time to Plan A, to care for her and be "the good guy"! Do you have a marriage counselor? I hope so. She could use some individual help with this, too, imo.

My 2c and best wishes,
J