I've pondered this for quite awhile now.

In talking to 2 other WW's over the phone, and several via email, it's occurred to me that one of the things we have in common, (besides the obvious <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ),is we are all very outgoing, chatty and friendly. All seem to have similar personality traits. All are likeable people, the kind you'd like to have a cup of coffee with...

I was wondering if more times than not, a WS is an outgoing, friendly person? It seems difficult to imagine a "wall-flower" or a "Mr. Milk-toast" getting involved in an A.

I'm not trying to make light of infidelity. I know it's way more than this...it also takes a self-centered person, who is willing to lie and cheat...but tell me, was your WS also otherwise very personable?

Just curious.

My FWH is VERY outgoing & friendly!(or at least he used to be)

OW even said that when she first met H, he was "so flirtatious & friendly" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> which to a insecure, not very attractive young woman, could be miscontrued as flirtatious which was really just outgoing & friendly!
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Opposites attract. I think we choose partners who fill in what we are missing. I used to be painfully shy & now consider myself just shy. People do not believe me (i have gotten way better). I am very friendly but not very outgoing.
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I remember when I was in college (& married) this guy in one of my classes, asked me if I wanted to join a 'study group' w/ him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It could have been completely innocent BUT I was just like, "why are you talking to me? I'm married! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> so uh...No!" LOL

See but H would have been like, oh how nice, that person is cool they invited me to their study group!
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But H has also come to the self-realization that he has a very STRONG need to be accepted & liked, major insecurity over that, that has been hidden very well by the 'outgoing-self-confident-like' persona for years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Afraid that his TRUE self would not be accepted or liked by others. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Have you also seen that ad?

KT~

You more or less just described my an WH--you H and mine could be twins! LOL!

I miss guys flirting with me--all time my friends he flirting and I'm like no he wasn't I'm married.

Yes,

My WH is very outgoing person. He very likeable. He works with the public all day and is very friendly, easy to talk to, and just all in all a lot of fun. So I guess we all do have that in common. i was never jealous before my H started acting different towards me, but now find myself very much so. He continues to be very outging.

Funny huh!

JT

my xMM was very friendly, happy go lucky out going...I guess I was too. I was married when the affair started so I too am a WS. I'm still out going and friendly, just more reserved when dealing with men. I was at a work luncheon on Thursday and was introduced to the speaker...he asked me out, I went....at the end of the night he told me he was married. Maybe I am not reserved enough! I told him to go home and have a nice marrige. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So it seems I need to background check all men whom I agree to go out with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Mine is very out going and freindly. But so am I. We are alot alike .The OW isn't. She doesn't come by friends too easy and only has a few. Wounder WHY?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Ditto here. My H is also a very outgoing and funny person. He is always trying to crack a joke - one of the things that attracted me to him. He always can make me laugh - even now. I think he is also insecure in ways - he seems to try to seek out others approval all the time.

I am the total opposite. I am quiet and shy and the basic social wall flower. I am getting better as I get older, but am still very reserved.
Bet you would never guess that by my long winded posts!!

Both my H and XOW are very bright introverts. (Although IMO shy women are more social than shy men.) In this case, your theory fails.

XOW used her "friendship" with me to get closer to H. He thinks it was an "accident" while I think she was SCAMMIN'! He can be so naive.

Autumn Day

Yourtheory does not hold with my husband who was the WS. I am the extroverted one. My husband is the shy one who is happy to just go with the flow. In our 21 years of marriage and 5 years together before that , i can honestly say I never saw an inkling of flirting with another woman. I have always been a very friendly person who can strike up a conversation with any one. My husband is not.

It is for this reason that when he had an internet emotional affair. They never met. It struck me like a lightning bolt. My friends always commented that their husbands would look at other women . My husband never looked at another woman as far as i was aware. He appeared to be the most faithful and dedicated father.

I suppose a wolf in sheeps clothing . You can never tell

IFG

wow!!!!!!!!!!! take this staement from innocence gone forever and change the roles to the w being the shy and reserved and me being the talker and you have fh and me to a tee.

>>>>>>>>Yourtheory does not hold with my husband who was the WS. I am the extroverted one. My husband is the shy one who is happy to just go with the flow. In our 21 years of marriage and 5 years together before that , i can honestly say I never saw an inkling of flirting with another woman. I have always been a very friendly person who can strike up a conversation with any one. My husband is not.

It is for this reason that when he had an internet emotional affair. They never met. It struck me like a lightning bolt. My friends always commented that their husbands would look at other women . My husband never looked at another woman as far as i was aware. He appeared to be the most faithful and dedicated father. <<<<

om to me seems quite and reserved also.

instead of a "wolf in sheeps clothing" maybe it should be "two birds of a feather".

"two birds of a feather"

Pops, XOW tried that on me after DDay. Said since she and H were both shy (and I'm not), they had "more in common" than H and I! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

But since he's still with me... I guess "opposites attract"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My husband as a WS is very outgoing and flirtatious. He flirts in front of me. I am a FWS and I am shy but friendly when approached. I talk a lot when stressed out. I am quiet when I am happy. So I think it is not the personality that causes infidelity but a lack of having your needs met.

In my case, TBXWW is very outgoing, energetic, personable, and smiley. In my blissful ignorance, it never bothered me... in fact, I was kind of in awe of her ability to "work a room".

In the few times since the separation when I've observed it, it's creeped me out. Around men, she'd be very flirty, coquettish, standing too close, touching on the arm, etc.

She says she's trying to change that about herself, though that's pretty inconsequential to me since the marriage is ending. But, for her sake, I hope she does... a lot of people know about her affairs and her reputation has suffered as a result. As for me, I just try to ignore it, keep things as friendly as possible, and move on with my life.

My situation is also the reverse of this. My husband (WS) is the shy, introverted one. I (BS) am the outgoing, friendly one. My H is in the Healthcare field though and does have a need to 'help' people.

But the one common thread I see in all of these situations is a very core selfishness on the part of the WS. They seem to be feeling as though they are not getting enough attention at home and they seek it out elsewhere. They put their needs, wants and desires above everyone elses without regard to anything.

Thanks all for the responses. All very interesting!

Funny you should chime in pops, because after I posted this, I thought of you and FH. By your posts, it's obvious you are the outgoing one and she the shy one.

kt and the others that said something about your WS being outgoing as a way to be accepted by others...I think there's a lot of truth to that.

In my own situation, I think I'm kind of like that, and I always worry about hurting other people's feelings too. I might have avoided x-om altogether if I didn't feel badly about originally ignoring him. Sounds stupid, I know. Should've worried about H's feelings.

You know, there are times I can't get beyond what I did. H came home early today because he's worried about me. I think I need more than his help. I might need IC.

AD~you are worrying me--I thought all was well with you.

You're sweet al, but don't worry.

I sent you an email.