Hello all. I have been a lurker for a while here and was recently encouraged to post an introduction. So here goes. I am a BS. My third child came into my life when the other two were 5 & 4. He was 19 months old at the time. The circumstances surrounding this addition to my family were earth shattering for me. My life was ideal in my opinion. My husband and I had just built a new house, moved into it; I went back to work after taking off to be home with our children. We had just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary the previous month when my world was blown apart. My husband confessed to me that he had been involved with another woman for a year but had ended the relationship 2 yrs ago. I have heard of people saying they felt as if the world had stopped, that a specific situation was surreal, like it was happening to someone else. I had never experienced it until that day. At first I was waiting for the punch line. It had to be a joke. When I realized it was real, I felt the breath leave my body. A hot flush crept up my neck, my hands started to shake and I began to shake my head in disbelief. I remember placing my hands up toward him, as if to stop the onslaught of pain coming from his mouth. This could not be happening to me. I was the woman he wanted more than anything else. I am the one he waited for when I was not available for 4 yrs. I was his soul mate. We were happy, living the American Dream of a home, 2 kids, dog, etc. He would not, could not do that to me. He loved me too much. There was no way he could be intimate with anyone else. As I sat reeling from the revelation that had just been made, my husband continued. With each word hammering into my mind, I felt my body jerk as if being physically hit. A Child! There was a child involved. Our kids had a brother who was not borne of me. An innocent baby delivered into this mess. As I listened to him speak, our life began to flash across my mind. I began to recount the arguments, the late nights, working overtime, leaving to go visit family. I remembered asking at one point if he was seeing someone else. This had happened during a time of major stress for us, medical issues with our children, financial problems stemming from my being at home, etc. I remember fighting about the Internet chat discussions he had been involved in with other women. How I had been hurt with the emotional support he was offering them, while he was slowly shutting me out of his life. Then I heard him say ‘My lawyer advised me’!!!!! He had a lawyer???

I stopped my mind from running away with memories and focused on what he was saying. A decision had to be made NOW for the woman who delivered this child into the world had abandoned him. My husband had been contacted by legal means for a paternity testing due to the filing for medical support by the persons who now had this child. He had tested without my knowledge and received positive results. This child was his. He was responsible. We had a decision to make. I had no time to focus on my pain. No time to wonder why, what if, how??? I had to decide if I wanted this marriage, wanted this family, wanted this child. At this point I think I was becoming numb. I just wanted it over with. The roller coaster of emotions was too much for me to handle. I had to get some control of this situation. I did the only thing I could do at that moment, I shifted gears from injured wife to protecting mother. Even as I stood there looking at this man whom I loved deeply and who I thought I knew but obviously didn’t know at all I began to gather my composure. My pain was shoved aside to be replaced by the heart wrenching feeling of protection for a child that he had made with another woman. I felt a kinship with this small victim of this infidelity. I knew what I had to do; I knew it would be the hardest walk I would ever take. Bringing this child into my world was the most difficult delivery I experienced. The pain of birth was wrenched from my heart not my womb. Every beat was like a contraction forcing a new life into my world. I gathered my shattered soul up and went to the lawyer’s office that afternoon. I endured for the first time the ‘look’! I was not prepared for this at all but there it was on the face of the lawyer’s secretary and the lawyer himself…. Pity. They were near tears as they looked at me with very pitiful expressions. I would soon discover that was going to be a very common occurrence. People would have the ‘Oh, you poor thing’ look as soon as they found out what had happened When we were discussing the situation I discovered who the other woman was. I hadn’t given much thought to this issue until now. I just assumed it was someone he had met that I did not know. I discovered that this person was a coworker of my husbands. She had been to my house, ate at my table, interacted with my children, and even to some degree befriended me. I was mortified. I had spoke with her on the phone numerous times and even had an occasion to joke with my husband that this person was after him. That she wanted his attention, not mine. Little did I know how accurate my observation was. This information was shelved along with my need to get all the details I could. I had to focus on a plan now. I had to prepare myself for this child. I didn’t have nine months to get ready; I had less than 24 hours.

We had long since given away most of our baby things. I had to get clothes, shoes, and furniture. Did he still take a bottle, sleep in a crib??? I had no answers. Any decision made had to be done quickly due to the circumstances surrounding where the child was placed. After the lawyer office, we went to the courthouse to visit with the judge. We were advised to go and pick this child up first and then file papers for custody. Since my husband was the father and paternity had been established, he was within his rights to do this. However if the child’s mother got there first, we would lose ground in this fight for custody. We notified the people who were keeping him and arranged to pick him up the next day. We then went to my parents home to pick up our daughter. I was a wreck. We had called my mom to tell her we would be late so she was aware there was a problem, but I don’t think she was prepared for how large the problem was. I sat on the couch holding my daughter while my husband explained the situation to my mom. I can’t begin to imagine how she felt, I did feel her support of me but I was humiliated beyond words. I couldn’t speak; I couldn’t even look at her. I just held my daughter and cried.

By this time I was exhausted. I went home and climbed into the shower and cried. I felt ugly, dirty, used. How could this have happened? That question kept going around in my head. My self-esteem plummeted lower than it had ever been. Visions of them together kept playing over and over in my head. Questions as to whether they enjoyed it or not, were they together at our house? In our bed? I have always had weight problems and battled with that for years. My view of myself had always been very shaky. This situation managed to unearth feelings I hadn’t felt in years. I felt that I had done something wrong. I blamed myself for not ‘taking care of ‘ my husband, allowing this to happen. I tried to piece together the puzzle, but I had huge gaps missing. How had I missed it? Who else knew about it? Why didn’t I see it? There were no answers, just questions.

I don’t think I slept at all that night. When morning came I got up and dressed with fear. I was about to receive another child. The fear I felt on this morning was very different from the last 2 delivery day mornings I had experienced. On the drive I questioned my husband regarding the relationship. He seemed very reluctant to answer questions for me, it made him very uncomfortable. I ended up just dropping it; it didn’t seem to be worth the effort at the time. We pull up at the home to pick this child up. I was petrified, frozen in my seat. What if I panicked? I said a small prayer for strength and got out of the van. A small woman with dark hair greeted us at the door. She invited us in and began to gather items up to be loaded into the van. I looked down at that moment into the eyes of my son. He was sitting in the floor among some wrapping paper from the gifts he had just opened. He gazed up at me innocently and I started to cry. I knelt down beside him and began to talk to him. He looked just like my husband. Same brown eyes, same mouth. I sat down on the couch and pulled him up beside me. He never tried to shy away from me. He was not afraid even though we had never seen one another. He placed his hand in mine and a bond was forged. Just as his hand fit in mine, he fit in my heart and life. I carried him to the van and placed him in the car seat. He never made a sound. He wasn’t scared or shy but I was. I was terrified. My heart swelled with love for this 19-month-old child. I knew that I would endure whatever necessary to love and care for this child.

I never really thought about how I would deal with issues that might come up at that moment. I just wanted to get my life back to normal as soon as possible. We came home and introduced our newest member of the family to his siblings. Children are so accepting at times it amazed me. Our oldest one was thrilled to have a brother, but expressed his desire to have one that was older than him instead of younger. Our daughter was excited about a baby being in the house to some degree, but she was also a little disappointed in losing the spot. He was welcomed by all the extended family as well. It was very interesting to see how he interacted with everyone. He was most defiantly more comfortable around teenage girls and men. He would immediately raise his fists to anyone who tried to engage him in play or conversation. He was also very selfish with his things. I could tell that he had been taken care of by a teenage girl and probably had to fight for enough toys and food. His appetite was another puzzle. He was off of the bottle but would only eat certain foods, mostly cereal, crackers, hot dogs and oatmeal. My days were consumed with caring for another child, learning, and bonding with him. I started having periods of intense anxiety. I would be driving in the van and start to panic, feel like I couldn’t breathe, my head would start to pound and my eyesight would blur. My chest felt as if someone had wrapped an elastic bandage around it and was tightening it steadily. I realized I was having panic attacks and had to get medication to counter it. We received a lot of help from various people at this time, some sent clothes, one gave us a bed, etc.

We started the legal process immediately. We filed for custody on the day we picked him up. We had received his shot record when we picked him up. He was almost 2 yrs old and was just now receiving his 12 month shots. He had a scar on his hand where someone had burned him with a cigarette badly. We took him to our pediatrician for a check up and evaluation got his shots scheduled and up to date. I kept records of everything. All the physicians reports, shot records, ect. We received notice of a court date, February 14… Valentines Day. The other woman had decided that she wanted to fight the custody issue, so we had to go to court. Our lawyer didn’t think we would have a problem winning, that it was just a formality. I was extremely nervous about going to court. Everything was still raw for me although most people didn’t know it. I was tired of hearing how strong I was, how wonderful I was holding up. I didn’t feel as if I was doing wonderful. It felt as if my insides were being ripped apart. I would alternate between hating my husband and feeling guilty for hating him. I knew I still loved him with every part of me and I could imagine how he could have done this to us. My mind kept replaying the fateful day that was a turning point in our marriage for him. It was the day he ended the affair according to him. I had gotten some information out of him about the relationship but not much. I did know that he ended it on the day we had a big fight and he had decided he wanted to leave me. When he told me that he wanted a ‘trail separation’ I lost it. I ranted at him and cried for hours. I told him that their was no such thing, either he was in or out. If he left, I was going to continue on with my life without the assumption that he was coming back. I felt as if my heart was being ripped from my body that day. Little did I know that was just the beginning.

On the day of the custody hearing I woke up with a headache. Probably from lack of sleep and tears. I had gotten very little information from my husband about the relationship. He kept saying that it was like he was a different person then. He couldn’t explain. I would start talking sometimes and putting my feelings into words about our life at that time. I had been through some very traumatic things prior to the affair and most of the time I felt like I was in it alone. He told me that I had shut him out, didn’t need him, and wouldn’t support him. We just drifted apart. This revelation made me very angry. It basically said to me that he wasn’t getting enough attention from me, so he searched for some from someone else. Our daughter had a rough start in life and I was totally committed to our children. During this time period, the doctors found a heart murmur in our oldest son. I took him to a specialist. My husband didn’t go, he was working and said he couldn’t get off. I was told at this appointment that my son had a heart defect. I was alone in that office. I think that I held that against my husband for a while. When the affair came out, I was horrified to think that he was selfish enough to put his own needs and desires ahead of our children. I told him that he was a grown man; I didn’t think that I needed to baby him. Our children needed me. He was just being selfish and self-centered. All these pieces of the past would come back to me at times when something happened or was said to trigger a memory.

By now my son had settled into our life and I was mother in every sense of the word. He would cling to me, run to me when he was hurt, afraid, and lonely. I was ready to fight for him. My hope was that she would not show up, that maybe this was just for show and she really didn’t want custody. I was not that lucky. She did show up with her lawyer, however, the date was put off because she had retained her lawyer 20 minutes before court time and he didn’t have time to prepare.

I’m am not sure what she expected to see as she mounted the steps at the court house, but I am relatively sure it was not my face. However that is exactly what she encountered. I was at the head of the stairs as she rounded the corner. When she raised her head to look up the stairs, our eyes clashed. I was not prepared for the raw anger I felt rise up in me, not for what she done with my husband, but for what she had done to my son. I knew in that moment that I would not let her have either of them. She could not have my life, I would not allow her to run my thoughts or feelings. I was better than her in every way. I would survive. I think she felt my anger and I sensed her fear. She turned around right then and headed back down the stairs. That moment was the beginning stages of my true healing process. I think that is when I released my past anger and turned to the future.

We managed to get another court date and she didn’t show up for that one. We were awarded full custody. She was granted limited, supervised visitation at our convenience and ordered to pay us child support. She contacted us once for a visit and then failed to show up at the designated place. We had all the necessary witnesses and documentation.

After 12 months of no contact and no support, I filed suit to adopt him without her consent. As soon as she was served with the papers, she lost it. She vowed to fight it and get him back. We went to court again. She managed to show up this time, along with her mother and sister. I had support there as well. Myself, my husband, her and her mother had to testify. It took all morning and then the judge informed us that he would make a decision and notify our lawyers within a week.

That week was pure hell for me. I was told over and over that she didn’t stand a chance to get my son, but the fear was still present for me. What if’s played in my mind constantly. It had been a 17 months since we had picked him up and the thought of losing him now was very painful for me. He was my son, not hers. He belonged in my family, at my home, in my arms. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing him. Finally on the 4th day, I received the call. We had won!!!! I was now able to legally adopt him; the six-month waiting period was waived. I had to go before the judge one last time and it would be final. In a little less that one week I would legally be his mother. It was finally over. I now felt like I could let it go and get on with my life. Begin the rebuilding of my marriage without the threat of the OW intruding on it.

It has been a bumpy ride and some days were worse than others. I have survived and so has my marriage. I am now at the point where I trust my husband. I am not saying it is easy or that I don’t have doubts at times, but overall I trust him.

SS,

Welcome to our group! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wow what a story, so glad you had a happy ending. It is very inspiring for those of us seeking contact w/ OC to know that it can work out & work out really well in some cases.

Just wondering if you & your H used any of the MB principles to restore your M? Or if you knew about them.

Take care.

That was a long but very touching story. I hope the two of you can move closer together and that you can forgive him for the pain he has caused you.

I envy you in many ways if my H and I work out-I think that I would rather have NC or have all and have OW not invovled at all--only dreaming though-not really realistic.

Great story!

STillstrong.
What a great story. Not great of the birth mother to do this to this child....but wow what a woman you are. That little boy is sooooooooo lucky to have you in his life. It is so great that you fought for that child and won. He has a great mommy. You love him and that is wonderful!

I was actually unaware of this place at the time. We did utilize some of the things referenced here. For instance: POJA... every decision was discussed and agreed upon by both of us. I was informed of all contact and included in all discussions... no secrets. He answered all my questions... not willingly sometimes, but did answer them. We also renewed our faith and spiritual walk strength greatly. We have presented a united front from the beginning in all things related to OW and our son.

WoW!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> What a story....FIrst let me say how sorry I am for the pain you've felt. I am not married yet but engaged to a man or shall I say boy who has cheated before so I know how it feels to have your heart fall to the bottom of your stomach. But you story was so touching it almost brought me to tears. Have you thought about going into writing, cause I think you have a gift...God bless

I thank you all for your welcome and response to my post. I apologize for the length of it, but I really didn't want to leave anything out. I have been reading these posts for a while and can feel the pain in many of your lifes. I feel for each and every one of you. I know what it is you are going through and will pray for you as well. There are happy endings even in these situations. I trust in God to get me through it and He has done that and more. My son is my blessing and the best thing to come from a bad situation. I know in my heart that the day will come when I will answer some very hard questions for him and my other children as well. I believe what I did was right for me in my situation. Each one is different and each person is different as well. You must examine yourself and your situation independently. No matter what anyone else says, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and be satisfied with your decision.

Again, thank you all. I will try to be more active in responses to posts, however I am only on at work and that dictates alot of time restraints. I also have a hard time communicating this way, not sure why, but I am just not real comfortable with it yet.

SS,
I, too, am raising the OC in my life. I love her dearly and would fight to the death for her.

I pray that some day the xOW in our situation gives up and that I too may adopt my daughter.

We have had custody of Lil Bit since Nov 13th, ironically our 10th Wedding Anniversary.

Your story touches my heart and brings me to tears.

I am glad you posted so that we were able to give you a proper welcome to MB!

Stacia

You Stacia are the reason I posted to start with. I am Okie74940 from the other site. I am going to try and post a few pics later. Thank you for your welcome at both places.

SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
That was going to be my next question for you!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So nice to have you with us on BOTH sites!

S

SS,

That was a phenomenal story. i am so glad that it worked out for the best for you and your family. That is one blessed little boy. I am glad to have you here and am inspired by you strength. I do not think that I will be doing C if it comes to that but I asm glad that it worked out for you.

Keep praying,

JT

SS,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We also renewed our faith and spiritual walk strength greatly. We have presented a united front from the beginning in all things related to OW and our son. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That for me is the whole key in my own situation. I thank God for you that both you & your H could come together on one accord & move past the mistakes that were made & provide a loving home for your son who didn't ask to come here.

I agree you should be a writer, I felt as if I was reading a short novel & was on the edge of my seat awaiting the outcome. Sorry you had to live thru it but problems build character & this one built your testimony that I am so glad you decided to share. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WOW, what a story! I'm speechless. Congradulations!!
J
6y recovery

Again, thank you for all the replies. And thank you for the compliments on my writing. I have never done any other than this which is actually a portion of my journeling about all my experiences with my pregnancies, deliveries and motherhood experiences.

It breaks my heart to see all the new people who are joining here everyday. I used to think I was alone in this situation, but have discovered how wrong I was in that thinking. I know how heartbreaking it is and how overwhelming everything can be. Please feel free to ask me anything regarding my situation and how it came about. I will try to help and offer support to all who are seeking it.

StillStrong - I wanted to welcome you, too. Sorry I didn't do it yesterday....was mainly lurking. Your story of strength is a beacon of light, I think. God was certainly working on your side!

It is heartening to me to see people from both sides (with contact and without) making their marriages work! The more stories we hear, I also think, the more we know that we are not alone - never alone - as long as we have God and each other!

Bless you!
- Kimmy

Still Strong. WOW what a story. And we get 6-9 mnths to "get ready" for the OC. I can't imagine what you went though in such a short time. I'm glad you can get on w/ your life w/o the OW sticking her nose in and out. We should all be so lucky! Thanks for sharing your story and you have been an inspiration to everyone. So many here need uplifted and let it be know that your M can survive this and you will be blessed. Thanks again for your story.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Thank you for the welcome. I am very thankful that I do not have to deal with the interference of the OW at all. I know that makes it so much more difficult to handle. I was very lucky in that respect. She preferred to do her drugs instead of raise her children. I am sadden by the fact that my son has 3 other half siblings that he will probable never know. It isn't their fault at all. The oldest one was 14 - 16 when he was there and she did most of the mothering so it was really hard on her. I saw her once at a ballgame and she wanted to interact with my son. It was very difficult for all involved. I know that one day my son may want to know this other 'family' but I will just have to cross that bridge when we get there. Right now he is very protective of our other children and has no memory of the other 3.

SS,
A moving story and one in which I could feel every pain along the way. I think you expressed your feelings well and the feelings we all had at one time.

Congrats on the adoption. You guys are doing well and will continue to be fine.

This situation and the get out of jail free card are the two I wish for but I don't think I will get either. Just going to have to do it (if I decide to) like Niosgirl, KT and Stacia.

SS - You just amaze me. It has been so hard to deal with this whole situation gradually over time, but your life was totally turned upsidedown overnight. Your strength and faith just amaze me. So glad you got a happy ending. I really hope OW does the right thing and stays away.


If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a question. My H's OC's birth is coming up quickly. We have yet to tell our BC. They are 8 and 5 and I just don't know how to explain this to them. My first instinct is to wait until the OC is born. For one, I want DNA proven first. Secondly, I want to make sure OW is not going to freak out. I want to protect them as much as I can. If this is something I think that they cannot handle, then we will have to rethink C. Anyway, I was just curious how you told your children and how they handled it. Do you have any suggestions or advice?

Thanks in advance.