When H's little girl is old enough one day what will he say to her as to how she got here? Will he say, "Oh I was M'd and your mother was married but we decided to have an A with each other and destroyed other people's lives. We were selfish and didn't care who we hurt. Why do you ask?" Then OC asks, "The man I loved with all my heart cheated on me and got another woman pregnant. Daddy, what did I do so wrong that he would hurt me this way? Daddy, it hurts so bad I don't want to live anymore. Why Daddy? Why would someone want to hurt me so bad? I loved him with all my heart!" How will H answer that one? Food for thought.

Cyn,

I have asked my H that same question, he says he or OW will tell his daughter the truth about how she was conceived when the time comes, I don't believe it, of course I may never know. I can't see either of them telling this child that they had an affair & she was conceived during that time & also that daddy didn't love mommy enough to leave his wife & live w/ them & be daddy full-time.

I also said 2 him that I hoped his daughter never comes 2 him one day & says my H cheated on me & got OW pg. Then he would have a glimpse of what he did 2 me & how my father felt, especially if D stays w/ her H. I was angry when I said that though & I don't wish this kind of pain of any woman, except maybe OW, still praying on losing that feeling.

I was/am blessed 2 have had & still have my parents happily M & still together, I don't know how I would have felt if 1 day my mom or dad told me I was conceived that way. IMO that is just another way H & OW will pay 4 their sin. All I can do is pray 4 the child, she didn't ask 4 any of this, none of us did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think that these OC will be raised in a totally different type of family. They will not have the traditional mother/father at home type of family. All they will know all their life is that I live with one parent and visit the other. At some point they will realize that this is not normal - that is when the questions will begin. I think that WS and OP has no choice but to be honest. Hopefully part of that honesty will be that what happened (the A) was wrong. It will be so hard for these kids to understand that and not feel like they were mistakes. It will take all adults involved to show these kids that they are loved no matter how they were conceived.

I agree with BG, that this is part of the consequences that WS and OP have to face as part of their actions. Unfortunately, an innocent child may be hurt in the process.

Cyn, I'm sorry for your pain and everyones' here. I think things are still fresh for you?

I knew 2 OCs prior to H's affair.

One conceived by my uncle, who paid support but only saw the kid once (I met her when she was 18 and sought out my dad for pictures, as her bio-dad had died). She grew up like any with a single parent. Note that she did NOT contact my uncle's wife!

Two, a friend in college was an OC who did not know her bio-dad's name, only that he had been married with 3 kids. As her mom died young with the secret, she will never know who it was. But she was aware that her existance would hurt the wife, even if she could find father.

I think those who have 2 contact families try to treat visitation like children of divorced or never-marrieds, which isn't so unusual in our culture.

I think OC "get it" gradually. Teens know that cheating hurts people; they're all about relationships. How much MORE so, kids whose family was affected by A in some way, OC AND kids of marriage.

WS and OP already have taught OC that marriage means nothing and it's OK to cheat as long as you're the one being cheated with and not the one being cheated on. It's so sad!

My mom left my dad for another man. The way she talks about my dad now I feel like I was a mistake. She loved my dad deeply for over 25 yrs. then she meets OM and my dad is the most worthless piece of garbage that ever drew a breath. Sure makes me feel like I should be here. This was 27 yrs ago. The pain "never" goes away.

I wish my husband has beat me to death instead of having the A and OC. At least my pain would be over!

Cyn,
yours is the worst case scenario: leaving the marriage. It IS the wrong thing to do, and I'm sorry you've been a victim twice: your mom, and now your husband. I haven't been in your shoes and I'm so so sorry.

Are you in counseling? Please take good care of yourself. You deserve better.
J
in recovery 6y

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 08:51 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Cyn: I have to ask you if you understand that a child is not going to feel that way if the parents (all or one) do what it takes to make that child NOT feel like a mistake. Our culture is different and it's not strange for one parent to raise her kids. Ya know what My older kids have asked me all sorts of questions. I answer them to what at there age is approiate and I answer in honesty. What I did was WRONG, but my child was far from a mistake. God does not make mistakes. My child is a blessing. Not the best circumstances, but non of the less far from a mistake. She is meant to be here for some reason. At some point in her life she will know the whole truth. As she grows up and gets older I will tell her inch by inch and then the whole truth will come out when I know she can understand it. She will know that the affair was very wrong. That you don't go and sleep with any married man. I will also try my damdest NOT to put down her father as one day she will probally seek him out and if at that time they choose to have some sort of relationship it will be easier for my daughter not to give her additional resentment towards a man who did choose NOT to be in her life for whatever reason. If you teach your kids that life is not fair and people make mistakes but you learn from them and go on with your life and don't ever do them again, then I'd say you succeded in raising your child. Hopefully my child will learn from my mistakes not to even have SEX until she is married. The same question can be asked.......what are you teaching your kids when one parent or both is either a physical or emotional abuser? They are drunk all the time, doing drugs, fighting with the spouse and living in seperate rooms. Well honey, at least we stayed together for you kids and when your husband or wife does this to you.....you'll understand your being a real trooper for the family. Then so on and so down goes the chain. Xmm married in life......he is adopted. His bio-father had an affair with someone and in the 60's they got rid of the problem. His father was a minister. Guess what xmm did???????????? The same exact thing. He is doing whatever he can to get rid of his "scandle". You teach your kids to face there mistakes and take responsiblilty and learn from them. When my older kids have asked I've taken it as far as "I was in a realtionhip with someone I should not have been. The baby's daddy has made decision that are best for him right now and that is the way it is". The worst thing I've even said them about xmm is hey be thankful that your dad sees you and calls you and is in your life. It maynot be as much as you want, but at least he's there. That was at a weak moment of my part and even felt bad about saying that to them. Anyway, I'm sorry I came off so cold, but as you can see this is not as uncommon as you think, and people makes mistakes. I know I'll get bashed for this one, but lets turn this around. Lets say your husband gets out of jail and comes home to you and works on your marriage and goes nc. How much damage do you think it's going to do to that child when he does come knocking on that door and your husband tells the truth to this child and says hey I chose my wife over ever seeing you. Could not fit you in and share my love with you.........how much damage would that do?

The whole point of this was to let WS know of the hurt and pain they caused. Just because OC grows up in this kind of inviroment doesn't mean OC will never be cheated on one day and have to feel the pain of being betrayed. Maybe if WS saw the pain in OC's eyes they'd know how their BS felt. Maybe WS's should think of the pain before they have the A. It sure is easy to say Oh, I made a mistake. The BS will forever be forced to suffer because of a mistake. Forgetting to balance your checkbook is a mistake. An A is a willful act without any thought or concern for anyone else. It is the utmost in cruelity and selifhness!

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: Cyn1018 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cyn1018:
<strong> The whole point of this was to let WS know of the hurt and pain they caused. Just because OC grows up in this kind of inviroment doesn't mean OC will never be cheated on one day and have to feel the pain of being betrayed. Maybe if WS saw the pain in OC's eyes they'd know how their BS felt. Maybe WS's should think of the pain before they have the A. It sure is easy to say Oh, I made a mistake. The BS will forever be forced to suffer because of a mistake. Forgetting to balance your checkbook is a mistake. An A is a willful act without any thought or concern for anyone else. It is the utmost in cruelity and selifhness! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cyn, I know your hurting, and hearing from a xow I know you have little respect for. People are people. It does not matter what the title. I've learned that the hard way in more ways than one. It has nothing to do with a title. I know this hurts you more because you lost your baby. I have girlfriend who went through the same thing and her husband cheated on her over and over. Not only did he get one lady pregnant, he got two of them pregnant and not once, but twice each. That was the biggest insult to the entire injury to her. She told me that if he gets any of those woman pregnant that would hurt the most...well guess what that is what happened. What you need to get through your head is that HE has to live with what he has done to you. She has to live with what she has done to her husband. As hard as it is for you, you've got to let go of your anger for her and this oc. It's eating you up inside and you will sooner or later become physcially ill as well as your already depressed. I'm assuming your young (as in child bearing years) and you've got so much you CAN look forward to. I understand you married this man and you take your vows seriously, but he's not showing a change at all. In the eyes of God you have every right to leave him and get on with your life. God wants you to be happy!!!! Who knows what is going to happen in the next couple of years. Your husband may have a total different outlook on things. Something may trigger inside. THen again, he may stay the same. With what you've said about him and his attitude right now do you really think he is going to be faithfull to anyone if he was out of jail? He'll do this to her too. Why are you putting yourself through this? And yes YOU are putting yourself through this. You have the power to stop this. With help with your counseler, you can have the power of yourself back. As far as your comments at the beginning of the thread it just struck me wrong as your still in the same place you've been since you came here. Your circumstances are different and you almost have been given the "get out of jail free card". You have put yourself in a depressed prison. I know you have a lot of hate and most do here. Hey the ow xow have that hate too.......and take away those titles and you've got woman (and some men) who are people with emotions. We've all been lied to. In some ways your better off than most here. You don'thave to worry about going to court for child support etc. It is not a picnic on either side. You are a free will and have no repsonsiblity towards that oc or ow. With your husband's attitude lets say he comes back to you after jail. More than likely he will keep contact with that child. And the way it sounds he does things HIS way. Are you prepared for that? The ow as well seems like she does too. Could you handle that? Think how you feel about that ow and oc now. If they were in your life on a normal basis I wonder if you could handle it. Cyn what are your thoughts on that? I'm on the other end of this board and I really do feel sorry for a few of the woman here with there stories and what they are going through. It does not always turn out that there is no contact. You've got the bs/mm on one hand trying to protect there family then you've got the ow protecting her child and mad at each other for each other's actions. It gets expensive and emotionaly draining. What do you really want under the circumstances you've been handed? I ask you sencerly too, not sarcasticly. So please take it sencerly.

It's hard for me to have any compassion for OW or OC. No, I am not a young woman. I am 46 yrs. old, and having a baby is pretty much gone for me. OW knew H and I were trying to have a baby. She used this to her advantage. Everyone thinks the A is ok now because of OC. My life will "never" be the same. There is absolutely nothing that will make up for any of this. And just because H offered didn't mean OW had to go for it. She knew within 3 days he was not available. God gave my heart and soul and my children to a crack w*****. Now how do you get over something like that? Why do I have to settle for something I didn't ask for or deserve?

Cyn believe it or not I can understand your resentment. In time you've got to understand that GOD did not do this to you. I think it's been said a few times by me here that I'm infertilte and I'm no spring chicken myself. I had a alot of failed treatments and miscarraiges before I got my twins. I also have very high risk preganncies....I am not one of those "happy" pregnant woman. I hope you can allow these woman here to help you through your pain and help you to get over some of this. You did nothing to deserve this. I don't really believe any of us deserve a lot that is thrown at us, but God will not give us anything we can't handle. You need to find an outlit. I'm really sorry for you pain. Please remember that as awful as your ow is, that oc is not. That oc does not know how to be. Direct that anger towards her and your husband but that child. I know easier said than done, but it may help you to heal better. I'm sorry for your pain.