Sunny, I remember reading recently that you were going to tell your DD about OC. Just wondering how it went? How did she handle the news? How did you explain this to her? etc....

I just asked this same question on StillStrong's thread and remembered you were going to tell your daughter.

Advice from anyone is welcome. H and I haven't told BC yet. He thinks we should tell them when we go on vacation in a week. My first instinct is to wait until DNA is proven. H has no doubts about paternity, but I do. I just want to make sure before we tell the kids. Anyway, I would love any advice on what to tell them, how to tell them, what to expect as far as reactions. Anything I might need to know.

No thoughts except to wait for DNA. What if it isn't his. My only other thought would be to wait until you are sure that you and H will make it. If your sure than great but wait on DNA if you can.

So glad you are at this point. So happy for you and we want to see some pcitures KrisM.

How old are your children? That will determine a lot.

Since you 2 are separated (or were) that woudl give them a referance point. They will take their cues from you two.

I owuld REALLY examine & think about wht you want them to 'take away' from this & let that guide you about what you say, waht you want your focus to be.

Obviously, this is a serious issue & you don't want them to get the impression that it is an 'ok' thing.

Kids need seroius reassurance that it will not happen to them. I think you should explain 'why' you & 'daddy' were separated , (age appropriately, of course), that what daddy did was wrong but you love him & forgive him & you two are fully committed to staying married BUT now there will be another brother or sister that will be joining your family sometimes that has another mommy but they share the same daddy. Explain that some of this might be hard to understand right now but as they get older they will understand more & they are always free to ask you two any questions they have.

I think it would be best for dad to do most of the talking so that he can really reassure them that he is choosing you & them & that is why OC will be visiting only sometimes but they will get to live w/ daddy all the time & apologize to them.

Kids need to be given information or else they make it up themselves & usually it means blaming themselves.
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You know your kids so do what feels best for them. Keep an eye out for any signs of stress or trouble. Depending on their age, I think some family counseling would also be in order.

Our oldest son basically flipped out & I didn't even see it because I was flipping out myself. It's hard to deal w/ everything all @ once so just make a conscience effort to remind yourself that if you feel stressed or tense about it then they probably do to.

No need to go overboard & pick apart every single thing they do but.....there are some thigns that might seem out of the ordinary that you should just keep your eye out for.

In my prayers, ktbunch

Kris, my DH plans to tell our kids in the next couple days; I'll let you know how it goes if you like. We waited 6 years.

Your kids are young! I'd definately WAIT on telling your kids unless there is some danger of someone else telling them first, or you're planning contact w/OC soon. Esp. if DNA isn't done!!

We saw a marriage counselor who had seen many A/OC over 30years as counselor, and he thought it best to wait until the teen years unless there is contact w/OC. He noted how young kids personalize everything, think it's about them, and also have fears for the family, divorce, mom's pain, etc. And they don't understand about sex and relationships. Kids do best with as much stability as possible. They don't have to know every thing.

Prayers for a great recovery!
J
P.S. I second what KT said: if you do tell them, think about the message you're sending (morals, sorrow, forgiveness) and keep it simple. At 8 and 5 they need to know you're both there for them and working on the marriage more than anything else.

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 01:21 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

KrisM,

Good question and I like the advice you have received too.

I agree with everyone that you should wait for DNA to be done. No need to cause stress on yourselves or the kids. If it's not his then you have to go back and explain to them again, "oops we were wrong," which would be another difficult conversation and only add more confusion.

I would also take into consideration if C or when that C will start. Don't tell them now if you are not going to have C with OC for another 6 mos. I say this because they may forget the conversation or the span of time w/o C may cause confusion.

I think it's important that everything is clear and you say what you are going to do and you do what you say so that everything flows. In simplistic terms: You have another B/S (obviously with more explanation), we will have C every XXX, it will start XXX, yada, yada, yada.

I have to approach this conversation too and probably soon so I would like to know how everyone else's goes. My kids are 5 and 6 1/2, so one is close to yours.

I whole heartly agree with KT, reassure them that you love them, that it was wrong, that it's not their fault, etc. It's such a touchy situation and just like each of ours is slightly different than the others, each of our children will take it different than someone else's.

KrisM,

Good question and I like the advice you have received too.

I agree with everyone that you should wait for DNA to be done. No need to cause stress on yourselves or the kids. If it's not his then you have to go back and explain to them again, "oops we were wrong," which would be another difficult conversation and only add more confusion. I guess we can only pray that God helps us through this and that our children can bear the weight our H's have placed on all of our lives.

I would also take into consideration if C or when that C will start. Don't tell them now if you are not going to have C with OC for another 6 mos. I say this because they may forget the conversation or the span of time w/o C may cause confusion.

I think it's important that everything is clear and you say what you are going to do and you do what you say so that everything flows and they know what to expect and when to expect it. In simplistic terms: You have another B/S (obviously with more explanation), we will have C every XXX, it will start XXX, yada, yada, yada.

I have to approach this conversation too and probably soon so I would like to know how everyone else's goes. My kids are 5 and 6 1/2, so one is close to yours.

I whole heartly agree with KT, reassure them that you love them, that it was wrong, that it's not their fault, and everything else she said. I think it's a good idea to consult a professional but I can't see my H agreeing to that. It's such a touchy situation and just like each of ours is slightly different than the others, each of our children will take it different than someone else's.

Good luck.

I waited to wait til the DNA test, BUT sine the STOW has made a poit in telling everyone close to us, called my family, talkes to SIL on regular bases. I was going to tell her while we wher on vacation, but I figured H ought to be there. He needs to crawl out of this hole! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I'm not digging him out of. He needs to see her face. She has told me she likes being there ALONE w/ us. She is a PRIZE only child at home thing going on. We are tring to get her out of our bed, which just started back up about a month ago. I really think she knows, I think she's heard something over at my SIL. But I guess we are just waiting for a good time. When that will be, shoot, I don't know. I look for the phone to ring at my house and someone on the other end just tell her about her brother coming. Thats how hatful this woman is. So I really dont know and we where going to say like "maybe" you w. have a bro or sis.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

If the results of the DNA test will be available in the next few months, there is really no need to tell your child about the possibility of a half sibling. The results of the test will dictate the course of action and the timing.

If, in the worse case, the OW or another party tells your child, you can honestly tell the child that the source of the information is not reliable and that it was wrong for that source to speak with the child. You can provide reassurance that you or your H will tell your child the truth.

Later, if the DNA test proves that the OC belongs to your H, you can be the bearer of the truth, not speculation. If the DNA proves otherwise, there is no need for any discussion with your child.

I posted a reply on the other thread first, then came here and read what the others posted. I agree with their advice. Wait, confirm and then be truthful and observe. Very good advice here.

Thanks everyone for all the advice and suggestions.

I would really feel more comfortable waiting for awhile until we know DNA for sure. I keep praying for that "get out of jail free" card - don't we all. Anyway, I think I will print your suggestions for H to read. If anyone has anything to add, please keep the advice coming.

Thanks again.