I just registered and I wanted to introduce myself and also get some opinions about my situation. I have been married for nearly 8 years now. We don't have any kids but I just found out that my wife is now pregnant and that it might not be mine. She confessed having an affair for a short time and thinks that the baby she is carrying is this other guy's. It probably is his because we haven't been having sex very often (over the last year really) and we haven't had sex since May. She just found out last weekend that she is pregnant but we don't know how far into the pregnancy she is. Her doctor appointment isn't until middle of August. She told the guy she was having the affair with that she is pregnant and he wants to be a part of the baby's life if it's his. How is this going to work? From what I've read here this week, it seems that most people choose to not ever know the "OC" but what happens when the "OC" lives with you? It's my wife's baby so there's no option for no contact in order to save our marriage. The baby will be with us which means this other guy (who is not married) will be coming around. My wife said she has ended the affair and that she loves me and wants our marriage to work but right now my world is spinning. I feel like I don't know who she is anymore and I don't trust her. I also think that she only wants to stay with me for money. She doesn't work but goes to school. I am paying for her college, her car, her shopping sprees, even her church group trips along with all of our bills. I feel like she is using me for money and that is why she wants our marriage to work. Why would she sleep around if she truly loved me? My brother fell out of love with his wife and cheated on her but ended up staying married after the affair because it was "easier" for him to stay, meanwhile he still cheats on her. I keep thinking my wife is doing the same thing to me. This other guy doesn't make a lot of money and can't offer her the kind of life she has with me. Is she going to stay with me for the security and the benefits and then still see this guy on the side? How can I ever trust her? What am I going to do when she and this other guy are spending time with their child together? I don't see how this will work and I get disgusted just thinking about it. I don't even know that I can accept all of this. I don't know if I want to deal with this child. I want to beat the living heck out of this guy.

I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense but I'm so confused and I don't know what to do.

Newhere - I don't usually post on the pregnancy board, but it is kind of slow right now. So I just wanted to tell you welcome to marriagebuilders.

There are lots of people here going through the same thing that you are going through. They will be able to give you expert advice.

It is horrible when you first find out, but things do get better. Stick with us, and please feel free to post on the general questions board if you need some support right away.

Yes, there are some here very familiar w/ your situation since they are also living it.

I can't ofer you any experiential advise since I am on the other side w/ my H having the OC. But I can remind you of a few things until the more experienced get here.

You have plenty of options no matter what course you choose.

First I want to encourage yu that your marraige can get better & heal from this if you are both willing. Read everythign this site has to offer, about mneeting each other's needs, POJA ect.

IF you decide that you want to take on this unexpected responsibility you also ahve options. The child will automatically be presumed to be a product of the marriage, this can work for or against you depending on what path you want to take.

In most states the burden of proof will be on the OM to prove paternity to have rights to this child, it will not be automatic. Also, if you 2 were to divorce you could be held financially responsible for this OC for the same reason.

If OM is involved w/ OC, there is no reason that they would be spending time together w/ or for "their" child. This child will have 2 separate lives, mom's house, dad's house. They will rarely intersect.

Also, if you do stay married & OM is involved, OC will probably still see you as more of thier father then OM because you will naturally spend more time w/ her because you live w/ her.

Take a deep breathe.

You & your W have some major decisions ahead of you. The Harley's counsleing which I have read on here is worth every penny. You might want to look into that.

Take care of yourself, try to remember to eat well, it will help you to think clearly & rationally. get some form of excercise, even if only a walk around the block, it will also help you to think clearly.

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Just a side note, if you decide to stay married & the best thing would be for OM to high tail it outta your lives........I grew up w/ a wonderful father who was not my sperm donor & I did not find out until I was 9 yo or so...I thought he was my "father" in every sense......So I think biology doesn't mean a DAMN thing if you love your child. So I just want to encourage you not to be afraid to love this child if you & your wife stay together.

NewHere:

Professional advice would be very beneficial to you right now. On the counseling side, I can highly recommend the MB phone counseling (888-639-1639 for appointments). I counseled with Steve Harley going through a similar situation, and Steve was terrific. His sister, Jennifer, also does counseling (they're Dr. Harley's children). Another option would be to do coaching with Penny Tupy at SYMC; Penny has trained with Dr. Harley and is a certified marriage coach.

I'd also suggest that you talk to a good family lawyer about your options here.

Your wife may or may not be continuing the affair right now---it's hard to say. I went through a similar situation with my wife, with one main difference---when she became pregnant by the OM, it was definitely his AND we had two children of our own already. I mention this because it took much of the uncertainity out of the financial picture for me---if I had failed in saving our marriage, the child support difference between two children and three would be negligible.

You are in a much different situation. You're not yet a father, and you don't know the pain (and joy) of the process yet. Should you end up divorced and be on the hook for child support, the difference between 0 and 1 is pretty darn big. The OM already knows about the pregnancy, and that was incredibly stupid (I have my SIL to blame for that---she wasn't using her brain that day...). You have to decide whether you want him involved (you can get child support then), but you have to deal with him involved in your life for the next couple decades. And if he's not making much money, the CS is going to be minimal.

You and your wife need to sit down and understand (and agree to) using two very important MB principles: Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Using these two rules, you will learn to negotiate very difficult issues: the end of the affair, what to do with the OM, whether or not to remain married (divorce now may benefit you financially), whether to remarry, how to rebuild. These principles: using total honesty (without fear of reprisals, or lovebusters), and only taking action when both people are in enthusiastic agreement with the action, will help you navigate the incredibly treacherous waters that you find yourself in right now.

But I wouldn't do this without professional involvement of someone who has done this before, successfully. Please contact either the Harley's or Penny to get in the program.

And with regards to my situation, we did recover the marriage. The OM went away (never asked for financial support from him). That third child is a joy to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , and at 5 1/2 years old now, I just dropped him off for his very last day of daycare where I work <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . You can be successful---but it will take a lot of hard work and good coaching.

New,

You have gotten some good advice here.

You have some options, maybe more than if the tables were turned. Speak to an atty. You can always have DNA done, it's not complicated but it does cost. I think if there is any doubt in your mind, you should.

I agree with KT, you can be this childs father and not the sperm donor. I know of someone else in that sit and she loves the man who raised her and could care less he was not her bio father.

Talk to your wife. Think about what you want and can handle. If she agrees with you, then she wants you and the M. If she gives you fits, look closely at why.

Best of luck and so sorry you have to be here.

Hi NH37~

I welcome you also, I'm not glad you needed to find us, but I'm glad you did. I'm a FWW w/ a baby who's possibly an OC. There are some awesome Dad's raising OC's produced from their FWW's A around here, such as K who replied already. You will be able to gain a lot from his and other's experiences.

kt and K shared some excellent knowledge with you, so I won't cover those ends of it so much.

The first thing I think you need to ask yourself is if you still love your wife. You have lost all trust, and probably all respect, but do you still love her? Not necessarily the WW you don't recognize at the moment, but your W?

Secondly, you need to ask yourself if you still want to be married to her. You may've said yes to the love question, but do you want to remain married, come what may?

I'm not saying hurry up and make these decisions, but they obviously have to be made, because everything else is determined by what you decide.

I know this is an awful situation, and you must want to know RIGHT NOW how it's all gonna play out, how's everything going to work, can I love this child, will there be C or NC, on and on..., (it's all so very confusing at first). Honestly though, I think you need to figure out the basics first then go from there. All of these questions as important and necessary as they are to figure out, are really secondary, and can be sorted out later.

I understand your world is spinning, and you have so many questions, especially regarding your wife's sincerity and motivations.

It's totally legitimate that you have no trust for her, you won't be able to trust her until she actively begins to do things to gain your trust back. She needs to work toward earning it.

In regard to all your questions and concerns about "why" she's staying with you, I believe you need to sit down with her and simply ask her. Ask her why she wants to stay with you. Let her know you're worried she views you as her meal ticket. I caution you though, especially if your goal is you want to stay married, you need to conduct conversations in a non-LoveBusting way. In other words, no angry outbursts, no disresptful judgements, etc.

On that note, before you have too many in depth conversations with her, I strongly urge you to check out the links K provided and also read over the information on Plan A/Plan B on this site. Plan A information would probably be constructive for you, (it also covers LoveBusting) to read at this point in time, here's a link. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I know first hand, all this info is so much to take in at the beginning, (don't want to overwhelm you), but maybe down the road a ways, you should also read up and print out the Emotional Needs info and questionaire. If you can get your W to read through the EN's with you, and each take the questionaire, that would be awesome, and a huge help to you both. It was very enlightening to both my BH and myself. Also, get a hold of the book "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley, found on this site, or just about anywhere you buy books.

You say your W says she loves you. This is a good thing, some WS don't even give that much right out of the box. However, it's valid of you to wonder if it's true. Her words and actions have not matched, have they? Love is another thing she's going to have to show you in order for you to totally believe it. For now though, I wouldn't assume she's lying either. Take her at her word, but then see if she goes on to live it, you know? What is it Reagan said, "trust but verify"...something like that.

One other thing I want you to think on, is that your wife confessed the fact the baby could be an OC. If she only wanted you for securtiy, she may have chosen to deceive you. At least she started with the truth, you can build on that, because she actually provided you with choices.

I wish you well as you go about making your choices. They aren't easy ones to make, but they are yours. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

There is hope NH, hope for a normal, loving life with your W and possible OC, just as K described in his story. You just have to decide if you want to go for it or not, if it's worth it or not.

Take good care of yourself.

~ad

Hi NewHere,

I may have a similar situation with my husband. He goes to school and I work to take care of him. He tells me he loves me enough to keep me appeased. He is haveing a baby by OW due Sept 15th. I have asked him if he stays because I take care of him. He says no. But he would be stupid to say yes because if he did I would kick him out so fast it would make his head spin. When we met he was working and he hooked me by telling me he wanted to buy me a house. Guess the shoe is on the other foot now.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What am I going to do when she and this other guy are spending time with their child together? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would not allow this to happen and stay. You have got to draw a line and since you are the guy I do not see why OM should have to have contact period. Talk to your wife. Tell her you want to father her baby regardless of who it belongs to. You Can confront in plan A. Plan A is to stop contact by putting out the welcome mat. She has a choice to agree or disagree. Ideally you keep the baby. Adopt baby if you have to and OM stays out of your life. Do not allow wife to do this to you. You will not be able to handle it. Do plan B if necessary.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Thank you everyone for all of your replies. She saw the doctor on Thursday and she's 7 weeks pregnant. It can't be my child since we haven't been together since the first part of May.
The OM wants to be involved. How will this work? Do we take him to court for child support? What kind of visitation do we arrange? I don't want my wife to take the baby to his house and I don't want them to be together with the baby without me being there to supervise because I still don't trust them together. I don't know how I can love this baby, right now I'm just filled with hate. How can we go no contact with this guy? I read where someone else wanted his wife to give the baby to the OM to adopt and he wouldn't. How do I suggest this option to my wife? Then would WE have to pay him child support?There are a lot of women here so I want to ask you all, would you give up your baby to save your marriage? Should I ask her to do this? I don't want this guy around. The way I see it, we would both be putting the marriage first if she would give this baby up for adoption. Then we wouldn't have to see the OM and I wouldn't have to see the reminder of what she has done.

This is such a hard time and decision to make. Hugs to you NH.

You cannot cut a father out of its child's life- its not your decision or W's to make, its his. So the hard reality is you have to accept the child if you want your M. Your W will only resent you if you gave her an ultimatum.

The good news is.. that this child is coming out of your W's body. Its easier for men that women in the sense that another women carried the OC. Yuk, know what I mean. You can get close to W if she is doing EVERYTHING she needs to to make you feel secure and loved and happy. It may come natural after the rage is gone. I pray it does. Remember, if you try to forgive and love W then it may be much less sad than being without her if you REALLY truly love her and can learn to forgive.

If she is using you you'll know it... and act accordingly to protect your heart!! But sometimes this really is an eye opener and a path to real love unlike before in your marriage... and the baby will be SO easy to fall in love with when you see it come from W's body and YOU are there.. babys are so innocent and it will be very hard not to love your wife's child.

Block out OM for now.. he should stay away COMPLETELY until your W has the baby.. you and W need to work on YOU and OM can not contact you or W- only a note sent to him or short convo to let him know he will be phoned if anything goes wrong, and if not, when the baby comes.

Please hang on and decide nothing now.. just take care of you and allow W to try to make this up to you. If she does not, you have to decide if this is worth it. ((hugs)))

I don't know what to do.

Would YOU accept this child? For instance, if this was your husband's child living with you and OW was coming around for visitation, how would you feel about that?


You have the choice for visitation with your Husband's child, I don't. Your Husband can choose to have No Contact, my Wife can't (unless she puts the baby up for adoption).

We haven't even told anyone yet. How do you explain this to your friends and family?

Am I kidding myself here? How can this really work?

NewHere:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know what to do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you started the counseling that I suggested? If not---what are you waiting for?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would YOU accept this child? For instance, if this was your husband's child living with you and OW was coming around for visitation, how would you feel about that?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Questions like this are irrelevant. What's important is how you feel, and how your wife feel, and can the two of you begin to make joint decisions that show care and love for each other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have the choice for visitation with your Husband's child, I don't.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, you do. Your wife could put the child up for adoption. She could have an abortion. You could divorce her. None of these are easy options---but they are available to the two of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your Husband can choose to have No Contact, my Wife can't (unless she puts the baby up for adoption).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Untrue. If you choose to keep the baby, the child will be assumed to be yours. If you do not wish to pursue child support, the OM will need to sue you to establish paternity. Most OM's are not willing to go that far. If he is---you can still work out "No Contact" between your wife and the OM, by acting as an intermediary.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We haven't even told anyone yet. How do you explain this to your friends and family?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It can be difficult. In our case, my family and my wife's family know---as well as a couple friends. The kids don't know yet. But everyone loves the little child that came from this horrible situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I kidding myself here? How can this really work? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you're not kidding yourself by believing that you have hope. You ARE kidding yourself if you believe that you can do this without the help of a professional. You're wasting precious time here---please refer to those links and get started on a marriage recovery plan. Very few people make it through this successfully on their own.

<small>[ August 21, 2004, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: K ]</small>

Marriage Counseling.

I never thought I'd have to resort to that. Does it really make a difference? We're still going to have the same problems. It's nothing we can change- like drinking, doing dishes, nagging or spending too much money. This is a child, an affair and continuous contact with the OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does it really make a difference?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. It was the single, best decision that I ever made---calling Steve Harley at 7 pm on a Friday night (and having him actually answer the phone). Without his help, I'm sure that I would not be married now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's nothing we can change</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I used those exact same words. Never have I been more wrong---with the appropriate motivation and tools, you'd be surprised how quickly you can change many things about yourself and your situation.

NewHere,

I see you met everyone...

The only thing I wanted to add is that I'm just about a month ahead of you. My FWW (Robel) is about 11 weeks PG. She confessed to me about a month and a half ago.

The first thing we did as a couple is to talk, communicate, plan, and prioritize. K has given you good advice in that area.

She wanted nothing to do with OM and wanted me. I told her I would take care of her and raise the child as my own. She told OM he was out of the picture permanently and he hasn’t called the bluff yet. He would have to prove paternity and pay us child support. He won’t of course. We are not going to do a DNA test.

After we agreed (mostly) what our plans and goals were, I decided to ignore the pregnancy and all that other stuff to concentrate on our marriage. She went looking for attention elsewhere, so I obviously need to give her more attention. Somewhere in there she found this Marriage Builders site and shared it with me. The emotional needs questionnaire was very helpful as were (and are) the people here.

That’s where we are now, building a better marriage. What to tell friends and family (and our other kids), what if OC doesn’t look like me, should she quit her job are all things to deal with later.

You’re getting good advice from others here, follow it. I just wanted to let you know you’re not the only guy going through something like this.