The WW got back from Usound today. All is well. Healthy 6 week 4 days old fetus. Two blood clots that should go away in a few weeks.

She was with him in the car while telling me. He was driving the car I pay for, using the gas I pay for. I am sick. And tired. And I am done taking it.

She wants him so bad, she can take him. I want her out of the house unless she stops all contact. I think my M is over. I am going to keep trying plan A for a while. But I have lost hope in my M. She does not care about me. She does not care about our vows or promises.

I hope my kids are not destroyed by this. I know I was.

I'm so sorry can.

This is outrageous, and unacceptable.

They don't even know he's the bio. Not that it should matter, because even if it was certain he is the bio, as long as they are having contact, and she is disrespecting you, there is no chance of recovery.

You're right to continue Plan A, but only till you have Plan B in place. Of course, I always suggest Plan B before going straight to D, if you think there is the smallest glimmer of hope, and/or your goal is to save the M, (even if it seems it's not your w's goal at this time).

Take care of yourself and your little ones.

~ad

My hear goes out to you. I know how your pain feels. This is not fair to you. It's just the same as my H being in there for the delivery. I let it go and should not have.

Tell, her it hurts. Tell her your bottom line, if you can stick to it. If she crosses it then move on. I let my H cross too many times. Do not do this to yourself, if you can, learn by my mistakes.

You will do what's in your heart and there is nothing wrong with that. However, you do not deserve this pain. It's bad enough she may be having OM's child but you should (if that's what you would want) be there with her not him.

Hi,

I know how you feel. My husband does not work. He drove OW around in my car. Had sex in my house. Used my water to clean up. Talk on the phone that I pay for. Uses money I give him for gas to go see her. Probably buys her food with money I gave him. Guess what, I did not pay last months phone bill. I am not giving him money like I was. I know how you feel. It kills me to know I am stuggling working so he can have a good time with another woman. Well he is not in physical contact now but still talking on the phone. He plans on seeing her when the baby is born. She lives three hours away. I wonder where he will get the gas money. I say stop supporting her. Don't enable the relationship. It is not fair to you.

cth,
I'm so sorry. Can you keep the house/kids and have her leave? It only seems right, given that she's the one straying! It MIGHT also push her out of her fog, help her see what she is giving up for this jerk. She's in major FOG.

This (her behavior) is such love-busting: it sounds like you are ready for PLAN B (not A). That helps YOU hold it together while her life falls apart, basically.

What poetic justice it would be if this child-to-be IS yours and here she's wasting herself on the jerk... I'm sorry, that's probably not the right way to look at it, but she's just SO wrong.

Please take good care of yourself and your twins.
God be with you.
J

Why does he not work Genia?

Albany,

He is going to school. Him not working does not bother me so much as him spending my money on OW.

CanthisHelp,

I feel so bad for you. I know how much this hurts. How you just feel so taken for granted. I cannot tell you what to do as I have put up with my WH's **** for far too long. I feel for you. I would confront your wife concerning riding in car to Ultrasound. You can confront in a nice way in plan A then let your wife do all the lovebusting. Calmly explain that this hurts you. She can refuse to comply but at least you expressed your concerns. Plan A is to stop contact and if that does not work do Plan B.

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Thank you all for the support. I do not know what I am going to do yet. I want her to leave the house for good.

I do not think her parents, friends or Brother will let her move in with them. That could work well for me. She is going to have to see what kind of a man the OM is for real. I think he is a loser, but I cannot be sure.

I still think there is hope, even though when I ask my WW why she stays at the house she tells me:
1) You keep begging me. (That stops today)
2) I have no place else to go - I cannot support the kids and myself. (tough, make your bed, lie in it)

The hope is a very dim light at the end of a very long tunnel. The best man at my wedding went through this and he was in a plan A situation for at least 2 years. They even had another child together. Now they are divorced and she is preg w/OM Child. At least she waited until they were seperated.

How is it that some women like such losers? Most men I know like loser women for the sex, but I honestly do not think that is it w/my wife. Of course, that could be my ego talking (who could possible be better than me?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )and it probably is.

The big problem with the house is my job situation. I am going to have to move to another state within the next few months (late October if I am lucky, end of Sept most likely). What then?

Well, if I move, plan B will be easy except for what happens to my kids. I will have to fight like crazy for them.

How do single parents do anything? That is the next step, not for today.

Thanks again.

You are being strong. Not enabling her could get her out of affair. It seems you are thinking of Plan B. I wish you luck. Do not let her make you feel bad about your sexuallity. I know how it feels. I cannot understand why my husband strayed to OW when he had me available. I mean I am very confident in my sexuallity. Do not allow her to make you feel bad. She maybe was missing another need and sex was just an added benefit with OM. It does not mean she was dissatisfied with your sex. I know my husband was not dissatisfied with my sex yet he stayed.

canthishelp, sorry to here that your w is still disrespecting your wishes and causing you so much pain.

what the heck is she doing going to ultra sound with om when she is not even sure whose baby she is carrying?


you said "I still think there is hope, even though when I ask my WW why she stays at the house she tells me:
1) You keep begging me. (That stops today)
2) I have no place else to go - I cannot support the kids and myself. (tough, make your bed, lie in it)"

at this time i disagree with you. niether of those reasons are reasons that SHE wants to stay. they say to me that she is trying to do you some sort of favor. you DON"T need that crap.

this may sound like i am jumping the gun for d but that is not so. what i would do in your case
though is

1- tell her that from this moment on there is absolutely no contact with om or you will have to take control back of YOUR life. then

2- get the papers from the court for a legal separation (or divorce if your state does not have legal separations. i went straight to the divorce papers)

3- let her know that you are filling them out WITH intent to file

4- also let her know that she does not have to worry about supporting your kids and herself only herself as you are going to fight for legal custody or at the least joint.

5- let her know that you don't give a crap whether she lives in an apartment of her own or in a cardboard box. that is her choice and her problem as it was her and her CONTINUEING actions that brought this on herself.

6- let her know that you don't plan on fighting with her over personal things. let her have the pictures of the family (you are starting over fresh), the dining set you bought together (it means nothing to you any more), same for xmas or other holiday decorations if you follow another faith. none of that stuff means nothing as it only serves as a reminder of your past and you want to put it behind you.

7- show her the door. the back door because she doesn't deserve the front one.

i know some here will call some of my ideas lb'ing and they may surely be right. i say that you are just drawing your line in the sand.

these are actions and things i wish i had had the brains and nerve to do when fh first started into her EA. i feel had i done them she may have come out of the "fog" before things were out of hand. but i was afraid of losing her for to many reasons (denials). it took me finding myself again and not wallowing around like a dependent puppy before she realized what she was missing.

take care of YOURSELF and your kids now. give your w some real hard things to look at as consiquences for her actions. it's the only way to show her the light of what she is doing.

I just wanted to say I agree with Pops 100%. Had I not filed for a divorce my marriage would have been over. I decided what was or wasn't acceptable to me and he had to decide if he wanted to proceed with the divorce or to get out of my life.

Unsure

canthishelp:

I firmly disagree with Pops and Unsure---you don't file for divorce as a tool to show you wayward spouse you're "serious". You file for divorce when you are truly ready for it---which is after you've exhausted all other options and truly have no feelings left for your spouse. (An exception can be due to financial circumstances, but I wouldn't think this applies to you).

If you're not getting professional help here, you're making a huge mistake. Either call the Harley's for phone counseling (888-639-1639 for appointments), or contact Penny Tupy, who is a MB certified marriage coach (SYMC) You don't have the luxury of time to do this without outside help, and I'm not seeing that you readily grasp the MB concepts and have a solid plan in place. That's not meant disrespectfully---there are not very many who could pick up the nuances of the MB plan for your situation by reading this website---I did this with Steve Harley's guidance several years ago, and I wouldn't have gotten through it without him.

I can't really discern from your situation whether you're ready for Plan B yet. There is no doubt that you need to be more "radically honest" with your wife about how her actions are affecting you (done without lovebusting---not easy); and you need to negotiate some boundaries to help yourself getting killed by these horribly insensitive things your wife is doing to you now.

Get professional help now. While this forum can be helpful, it is not a substitute for a trained professional---and as you can see, you'll get a wide variety of opinions, many of which are not MB-centric.

Cant,

Just wanted to let you know when I filed for a divorce I wanted it. It wasn't a scare tactic H realized that I was serious and did what was necessary to save our marriage.

Unsure

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</small>

Thanks for all the advice. I posted a lengthly story on General Questions II, but I can summarize here.

I told my wife on Saturday and on Sunday during the day, in no uncertain terms that if she continues the A, we were going to seperate with intent to divorce. I told her that we were not working on our M (she thought we were) while she was having an A and that I would work on it with her as soon as she stopped the A. She told me she had no choice. I told her she did, either continue the A and seperate, or stop the A and end this situation the right way - which means that our M may be over, but it also means, it may not.

Well, she told me Sunday night that she would end the A. Not sure how real it is, I am concerned that she did it only because she does not want to live in a cardboard box. But if she really does it, I think we can get some resolution to our situation that we will both be agreeable to.

Me and the WW have been going to see an MC. He recommended the Steve H. book and likes the concepts. He was OK with a seperation and told my WW repeatedly that the A had to end in order to move forward. She did not like that.

I think what shook her a bit was when I switched it up a bit. She thought (because I told her) that if we seperated, I would leave. I told her at the C session that she would have to leave. And she could not take the kids. Not sure why she did not argue it with me, but she did not. I think a light bulb went off when I did that.

I have some plan A questions, I want to ask on the planA/plan B board.

I think reality hit home.

The Pg is going well. Mom and OC are healthy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Canthishelp,

I am so glad that things went well for you. An affair is an addiction. Your wife is still in fog and will be in withdrawal for awhile. I do not know where I stand in my situation. My WH denys any love for OW, yet treated me very mean after Discovery Day. I am happy your wife is going to counseling with you and I hope she is sincere in giveing up Affair. Sorry for your pain because I know how much this hurts.

G, thanks for your kind words. I just hope it is not a false alarm, i.e. she is just buying time to get out.

I hate to say it, because it goes against the plan A rule, but it had been 6 weeks and we were no further along, so I really think that telling her what I needed to happen because of the stalemate motivated her. She could be lying through her teeth, but I hope not.

I understand that making demands is selfish, but the real world is what it is. I still need and want her. My self preservation thoughts kicked in, and I told her what I was feeling. It was a HUGE LB'er. I am sorry it caused her pain.

Bully's only bully people that let them. It is possible to get out from under them.

I think the world can be agreat place to live.

canithelp:

I don't approve of the way that you approached your situation this weekend (too full of LB). The main thing to realize here is that your wife is an addict. Addicts rarely are successful in overcoming their addictions when they are "forced" to by someone on the outside. Your wife isn't lying to you right now---I'm sure that she believes that the affair is over. But over the course of the next month, it's highly likely that contact will be reestablished. (I speak from experience here).

Addicts are successful in overcoming their addictions when they hit bottom and realize that their behaviors are unsustainable and are causing them grave harm. Then, they at least have a shot at getting better. Your wife isn't at this point yet, as far as I can tell.

You mentioned that telling your wife everything that you feel was a lovebuster. It's not---in fact, it's important to be completely honest and open with your wife right now. The way you communicate this---the tone of voice, the words your choose---those can be lovebusters. But letting her know how hurt you are is fine (although don't drone on repetitiously).

Good luck with the counseling. Work hard on your end---especially avoid disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts towards your wife. I'd also tell you to expect this first round of no-contact to fail---and practice on a restrained response should this indeed be the case.

The response should be to ask her if she's willing to end contact (again), and provide more security against it happening in the future (like moving to the North Pole). If she's unwilling, or unable to come up with a good idea, you should be ready to transition to a Plan B separation, preferrably with her moving out and leaving you with the kids. Get the legal advice you need with regards to that.

Hi CanThisHelp,

My husband was a drug addicts. He has been clean from drugs for two years. Unfortunately a lot of drug addicts turn from one addiction to another. My husbands NA sponsor is married. His wife is raising twins from his sponsor's OW. Husband's sponsor is still cheating on his wife. Other people in NA group are haveing sex amongst themselves and some of them are married. Some example for my husband. Anyhow my husband told me in January that it was over between him and OW. I confront him concerning his calls to her. I confronted him tonight. He told me since I kept up with his calls that he was going to call OW from somebody else's house. He is going to call her everyday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> It is so over between us. I do not think he loves me after all but I am not crying this time because I have cried enough. I am ready for plan B. Just watch your wife and how she treats you. I hope she is sincere and that it works out for you.

Genia,
I wish I could take some of your pain and hold it away from you for even a few minutes. I bet you need a break about now, I bet we all do. Are there any beta-zoids in the house? (thats an obscure Star Trek reference, what can I say - I am a closet geek)

I hope you truely feel resolve with your decision and I get what you mean about not crying. I talked to my sister about the P two nights ago and it was pretty easy to do. I am going to tell my mom tonight. I expect she will be more hurt than me.

A few things I have come to realize here is that all the situations everyone is in is a great time for some quality personal growth.

I thought you mentioned that you have been is less than stellar relationships before. Look for Greycloud's thread somplace about red flags. I plan on summarizing them, putting them on a 3 x 5 card and reading them daily in my next life.

Genia, you are a better person than for even trying. Now it may be time to make your bed and sleep in it. Since your last reply I noticed was at 2:30 am, you may need it.

Hi Canthishelp,

Thank you for your kind words. They made me feel special if even for a moment. Did not mean to waylay your thread. You can read about my situation under Niosgirl thread to me titled, Genia. It is kinda long. I really do hope it works between your wife and you. I wish my husband had some feelings for me but it seems he has none. I also feel for your pain. I know the withdrawal your wife seems to be going through will be very difficult for you. It would be easier to forgive if there was remorse. I hope your wife can feel what she is doing to you. I do not mean she needs to beat herself up, but to understand what you are going through. I wish you the best.
PS: I did not go to bed till 4:30 AM. Hard time sleeping after his painful words. They cut me but I did not cry. I know you meant about make your bed and lie in it, literally for me. But I had just thought last night. My husband is makeing his bed, and he will have to lie in it. I am sure his bed will be harder than mine.

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>