Luv, I read your posts lately and just felt like reaching out to you.

You ARE responsible for your happiness and you will not EVER be happy again if you stay with a husband who is visiting OW and OC without you at her house. This is a sin and an abomonation of your marriage. This is torture to a human being and its time to go Luv.

I took charge of my H and my marriage ONLY because I got on with my life, even though in terrible pain.. the best way to regain control of myself and my IRRATE, HATEFUL,MISERABLE, UNHEALTH LIFE. I was and you are in the midst of the worst hurt one can bear, so it has to go up now!! We didnt deserve this and now we should be good to ourselves and our H's IF they can live right by their families.

Get a massage,get your hair done and some new clothes and LUV yourself. Move! Live well and he will follow you. He'll see you in a new light. And Luv, if he does not, then he never will and things will only somehow get ever worse... and the cycle will rob you of your prime years. You ARE young, so be strong and trust God and pray, and you will be okay.

I am and I just lived through OW/OC and just 4 months ago a second short-lived A to add to my resume.. but I DID IT by doing what I said above. My H and I are finally rebuilding and having fun again. H is in love with me and has come back to be the man I thought never would.

I made myself get busy and get a house on my own and make myself pretty and make time for friends. I am living life again because I CHOSE to move on for me and for our kids like a soldier (of God of course). It is not as hard as you think- you will begin to regain so much Luv. You can get you back!

All of we girls around here are strong and great and we have the strength of 10 crappy OWs haahaa.

Just had a heavy heart for Luv and everyone here because I really am over it for the most part and its so much better than being stuck being unhappy.

Hugs all...

p.s. hey KT!!

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Hi Luv,

I agree with giovanna and since I am in your shoes in love with an emotionally abusive man I have to take her words to heart for me too. I sometimes feel so angry at him for insisting on talking to OW behind my back. I am sure when baby is born mine will want to visit at OW's house. He makes comments to me that he owns me. He calls me stupid and nasty. Yet I snuggle up to him every night and hold him to feel loved. I look and him and overlook his nastiness and care for him. But I need to stop and it is hard. Luv I think you are gonna find the strength to love yourself and I will too. I think we both fear the uncertainty of putting ourself and children through changes. Luv be good to yourself.

g123,

Where have oyu been. You've been missed around here. I thoroughly agree with everything that you have said and I have decided to take back my life. I have been settling for whatever small piece of happiness my H throws at me, when he feels like it. Or better yet when he feels like he is losing control/me. Thanks very much for all your prayers and words of wisdom. I appreciate you as well as the others. If I had not come to this site I would have lost my mind long ago.

My dad always taught me that"the best revenge is living well". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

thanks,
JT

Hi JT,

I am so glad you are being strong. I hope to get where you are soon. If my husband was still doing what your husband was caught doing I would not have a problem with leaving. I just checked the cell phone bill. Some days he calls her more than once. It feels so bad. I am short on money, so guess which bill I do not pay. Also I do not know how he is gonna go see her when she has the baby. I am not giving him the money. He will have to get money from somebody else.

That's good genia,

Stand up for yourself, let him find the best way he can to pay his own bills and way to see OW. H's should not treat their wives the way that they do, but they have no idea that we can make it without them. Because we continue to show them love and try to stand by them I think they abuse that fact.


wishing you peace,

JT

Hi JT2,

Thanks.
It will be hard to let the cell phone go. But if he wants it bad enough he will find a way to pay for it. Keep your head up JT. I admire you for taking back your self respect.

Thanks for the welcome back JT2 and Genia! I try so hard to get here! Seems every time I read and catch up I have to log off (I'm at work)! I DO read whats going on, though!

Ladies, things were SO crazy for SO long.. and WOW I can't beleive I am back in the game of LIFE. I had enough and looking back .. UGH I wish so hard for you all to regain your sanity. I can only imagine how you are doing this?? AGAIN, YOU CANNOT LIVE WITH H HAVING 2 "WIVES" "FAMILIES" and THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE DOING!! I hate seeing this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, my H had not had any dealings or incidents w/mother of OC since dday and did not have contact w/her during pregnancy or birth. He decided NC and he stuck to this firmly. AND I WAS STILL A STINKING MESS! It must be absolute torture to know that your husbands are keeping in touch as if they NEED to talk to OW?? Even a H and W who are divorced do not call each other and chat about kids unless its the day of pickup or drop off. My parents did this for 18 years- without any calls in between unless it was serious!!!! We all know this -- I believe fully that your Hs are still involved w/the OW emotionally. I HATE to say that but to me the evidence is there.

I bet you are spending weeks, days, months, hours of time being alive, yet I have NO memory of barely anything. I personally felt this- like I was living in some strange planet of my own-- not being happy, barely functioning, avoiding conversation with friends and co-workers cause I had no personality anymore (I felt)... I was in a fog... I cried all the time- I felt unattached to anyone or anything. You can't live like this.

I kept telling myself that I am allowing another human being (H or not, doesn't matter).. to take years off of my life! Years that my son could be with me.. stress KILLS and causes disease and weakness physically. Keep telling yourself, please, that they do not care- or they'd NEVER be acting this way. When they do "care" you'll know it for sure.

It took me finding out about another girl he had just met and started to see (and lie to of course about being seperated) I found out (DUH) by cell phone and called her over and over till I made her so mad she fessed up. She said they had sex twice. Ugh I could have died but know what-- I chose this final straw to LIVE instead and I am almost glad this happened. It was a cycle repeating itself cause I "allowed" it to with my begging and crying and being a doormat. Not attractive, not at all. I was miserable for a year and though it was cause of H's actions, I was not someone to look forward to being with. I also was guilty of treating H like crap. It was time to go, period, as it is for you all. There is no way around it ladies.....

So............to try to end this long story.... I came home one day, told H I found a rent to own house and I was OUT of there on the 1st of the month (2 weeks from then).. he left the house and stayed w/family.. and the past 3 months is history. I didn't WANT to go without him but I did. I was going to be that girl who was "ALL THAT" AGAIN come HELL OR HIGH WATER!! After all, my H didn't want the easy girls he cheated with.. he wanted ME, the girl who made him wait so long to be with that way.. the girl who took charge of her life and was healthy and beautiful and strong. He saw me regaining myself and he followed suit-- it is amazing how it happened.

See, these men will CRINGE seeing you healthy when they are stuck right where you left them-- with OW DRAMA and A "DIRTY" lifestyle, and one without their family that THEY THREW AWAY for nothing. And if they don't , SOMEONE ELSE WILL SEE WHAT THEY DID NOT.

3 months is not long for us so far, but I can say that we have changed every aspect of how we deal with our problems and it is so, so different now. It is NOT some fairy tale honeymoon stage- it is not always easy but we are getting so healthy.

xoxxoxoxoxo You are all in my heart. I want you to EXPERIENCE LIFE AGAIN, please please ! God wants you to and he will bring life back to you, H or not.

Thanks for the inspiration giovann123.

It gives me hope that H may catch up instead of running as he is to something new so he forget this past life of his that he has made a muddle of.

I'm training myself to be that stand up person who is moving with or without him. Hard to do some days but I think when he sees that he will catch up--right now he just thinks I will always be their for him to come back to--that has to stop or he won't change.

Hi,

I am getting out you all. I am somewhat sad because I still love husband. I cannot live with his lifestyle no matter how much I love him. You all keep me strong.

Genia are you serious????

I hope so girl!! You are the one brining home a paycheck now, right? See, my H is on workers comp and was not brining in much money. I was the one w/the good job, etc... SO I cut him off of the checking account and didn't pay any bills that were "his" debts, etc. I did this not out of revenge or what have you- I did it, as you should, as self-preservation. Just like you said- why the HECK should you enable him to call this OW by providing the service of a phone? Why should you keep supporting a man who does not support you? YOU SUPPORT YOU AND YOUR TWO GUYS, YOUR SONS!! If you have money to live, you move-- do it Genia because this is insane.

Isn't it amazing how we FEAR so much leaving our M .. we are so afraid of being lonely or what have you. Why why why are we so afraid of spending the rest of our young lives (yes 40 IS young) with a man who DOESN'T LOVE OR RESPECT US anymore? Who is taking our breath away and not allowing us to live or feel loved?

Genia, you CAN do this. It is very sad but how much more sad can you be at this point? A fresh start means much sadness at first- and then IT GETS BETTER and you are not STUCK.

Keep us posted, please.

Hi,

I have come to realize that I cannot sink much lower than to allow him to stay with me a minute longer. He even cramps my style. Yet he tells me to go out. He wants me to sit in a house with a bunch of women so he can go out with the guys? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He compares me to other women, how they look better than me. Last night he said he can love a woman even if they are healthy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Contradiction here. Constantly comparing me yet saying he can love a healthy woman. He has always said he don't like big women. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> His OW is healthy but she has no heart. He told me he would call OW behind my back every day. What kind of love is that. He acts jolly around my 19 year old daughter and pissy around me and my kids. He blames us for his bad mood even though I try and be in a good mood. He even told me that if we split up he would still call my daughter. Does he have a thing for my daughter. He pointed out how much better my daughter was than me. Just because she is outgoing. He said my daughter was funny and I was not. But my daughter also has problems keeping commitments. She will say she is gonna be somewhere at a certain time and then forget. He has a lot in me but he does not appreciate what he has. He is always seeking the missing peices in other people instead of helping to bring me out.

giovanna,
Thank you for you post, sorry it took me so long to respond. Have not felt much like posting plus work has been out of control.

I hear what you are saying and I really need to that place if I don't see a change soon. I know I should probably be out of there right now but I want to see what this new atty. will have to say/do. I do dream of my own place and a lovely life without H. It's not a scarey dream, it's actually very nice. It may be something that I finally reach for.

Other than leaving, what other things contributed to your H's change? Why the second A? How were you able to get past that?

Well.. it was the second girl he tangled with that woke ME out of MY slumber so to speak....
I hurt so much over the OW/OC from last year that this "next" thing really barely moved or shook me. H and me were so miserable during our "reconciliation" last year that it was bound to happen. If it happened then... well.. nothing REALLY had been resolved and to boot I turned into a mean, bitter, hateful human being after the A so why not? What had changed in our broken down marriage other than more stress and more problems and more anger, etc.??

So... I was already in the height of pain- so this just left me at status quo, know what I mean? I guess I only took it okay because at that point it was almost a relief that the last straw had broken me-- I was OUT OF THERE... even if I didn't feel in my heart it was over, heck just to save face I was OUT OF THERE!! I knew I had no choice now- if I wanted to feel I was not the biggest loser in the world I had to. So I IMMEDIATELY after finding out, shopped for houses ain the classifieds and BAM I believe God found me the perfect place.

Luv, to make a long story short... I changed ME and he followed that new, take no crap... got a house without you-moving on- ME! He had to come home to see my boxes piled high and me not having time to talk to him cause I was preoccupied with my move, etc.

I really don't hurt anymore over the cheating much. I even let my "dday" go past and didn't realize it. It is AMAZING how the new house and all the packing, cleaning, shopping and planning helped me! And made me feel like "I CAN DO THIS!"
I pressed on and pressed on thru the hurt and know what- I did it. And when H wanted to be a part of our family again-- I LET him and I was happy that he followed. I stopped making him pay and swallowed my you-owe-me pride.. and just loved him with open arms. Of all I mentioned, this is REALLY what made all the difference-- ME, not him and what he did or didn't do. When I did for ME and then opened my arms to H-- well, he melted and thats exactly what I needed to do on both ends. HE didn't deserve to be treated w/that kindness and open arms, but I did not try anything else in our "reconcilation" other than MAKE THE [censored] PAY AND KISS MY BUTT FOR LIFE approach.

Sorry so long... Just a lot of thoughts flying around here, Luv.

The thing is, H is SEEING OW AND OC without you-- Luv-- this is THE STRAW, now BREAK INTO a new life!! He will follow I bet I bet I bet-- AND IF NOT, you will only "lose" the daily hurt and sadness. No matter how H treats you-- you can not blame him anymore if you are still there allowing it. The changes in me effected changes in him in light speed. It was unbelievable!

Hugs to you Luv

G123,

I am so proud of you and I need that same encouragement. I have filed for D from my H and I am going to stop allowing him to come and go in and out of our home as he pleases this weekend. This will be a tremendous wake up call for him I think. He has continued to lie to me and been living a double life now even after i found out about OW being PG. So he is doing just what I allow him to do. He's playing two roles of father and husband. I am not going to allow it any longer.

At this point I know that I must go through with the D, because he will only take me for granted which is what he has been doing since I cancelled the D the last time. I don't really think H wants to change. I think that he really likes the excitement of cheating, either way I have to move forward with my life for me and my kids sake.

I don't want to be second and I don't want my kids to feel like they come second. I just can't allow him walk all over me anymore. So please be there with me and encourage me. I am going to need a lot of it because I still love him so until it hurts, but what is worse is living with a H that is doing this to me on a daily basis, with absolutely no conscious. He thinks he can continue to lie to me everyday. Well I am worth more than that and if he doesn't see it then someday someone else will.

Thank you for your support,

JT

Hi JT,

I cannot understand either how they have no conscience. But I know my husband was raised that way by his Dad who is a retired Detective. I hope we are as lucky as G123 to have our husbands follow.