I keep trying to respond to your email, but I'm getting mailer daemons everytime, so here is my response to your email:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> First, MB is acting really freaky. It keeps bumping me and I keep having to login. Weirdness.

Second, did you know that your message shows that you sent it in March??? How odd is that?

You know what - I can't speak for you, but your h is HUGELY lbing ME! YOU are paying for the cell, of course you have a right to know who he's talking to. From the outside looking in, your h is cake eating supreme-o! Then he deliberately pushes your buttons to make you pissed off and react so he can be all hurt. I'm sorry, but he's due a wake up call right beside Albany, JT, and Luv's hs! He can't make this marriage work if he doesn't WORK at it. And he's not. He's sitting there eating his cake and talking to anyone he wants...what would happen if YOU did that??? How would he react???? I'll tell you, he'd probably hit the roof if you were calling some man all the time.......

Love and strength to you!
- Kimmy
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Kimmy,

I do not know why you could not email me. We have spam. I used to get a lot of pornographic e-mails at work. You didn't have anything about sex in the e-mail did you. I have so much to tell this could get long. I apologize for that in advance. I will include background so others can read too. I told you husband was calling OW again as well as a new woman as of the middle of this month. I asked should I call new woman to see who she was. I did call. The more I thought of it, the more I thought there was no reason for these calls. New Woman was his ex wife who is remarried. He was calling her because he wants to see his son. She said my husband wanted to meet her somewhere. She said she was not because she does not trust my husband. She told me he used to beat her. She said she did hit him because he hit her. She said she used to get angry with him because he wanted to do drugs and not take care of his son by her. She said sometimes she hit him to try and stop him from doing drugs. She said she was tiny and could not hurt him. She said there was no reason for him to hit her. I agree. She even told me I could call her anytime and if I wanted to set him up she would help. Well after you hear what happened tonight I think you will agree that he has dug his grave already. Would you beleive how the argument started out. He cooked for me and washed the dishes. He then told me to rinse my glass out when I was finished. I forgot. Set glass on counter. I went to bed. He saw glass. He said you are stupid, lazy, and nasty. You muther****ers. Anyhow. I told him that I don't like him name-calling. He asked me to hang my clothes. I said I was tired. I wanted to do it tommorrow. More name-calling. I hang clothes. I get in bed. My daughter calls. He gets jolly. Laughs and jokes with my daughter. He says I like to laugh and joke. You are laughing. I like to know you are happy. I make comment. Probably should not have in presence of my daughter. You like to laugh and joke around my daughter but you are serious and stressed out around us. He says me and my kids stress him out. He says I am serious all the time. I say because you are always serious around us. You say you want to have a good time and enjoy life yet you stress over small stuff like the glass. I then start talking about how he jokes about stuff that is serious with me. Like he jokes about cheating. I then tell him about how he calls OW all the time and yet he cannot call his own sons. He has two sons who live with his sister. I verified earlier with his sister that he doesn't call them. She said she has not told My husbands boys that they will have a brother. Husband's sister thinks it will hurt the boys too much since my husband does not even call his own sons often. He lies to me. He tells me he calls his sons. I did not tell him that I talked to his sister. I acted like I did not know. I am thinking, let his conscience work on him. I say you should be reconnecting with your sons instead of chasing after OW. He says that it is too late because his sons are grown. That is bull. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Husband's sister said my husband only shows up when he needs something. I did tell him I knew how often he was calling. He said since I was tracking his calls he would start calling OW from somebody else's house. He went to sleep in guest room. I am not crying but, I cannot sleep. Not crying is a first for me. I think that means I have withdrawn emotionally from him. I think it is time for Plan B.

PS: Remember how jealous he got when I got drunk and looked at a man flirting with my daughter. Yes if I acted like him he would flip. When he met me one of the first things he asked me to do is to throw away any men's numbers. We were not even serious yet. He does not remember that. How convenient.

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 03:17 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Nope no sex stuff in the email. What you saw above is what I was trying to send. Ah well.

Your dh is an ABUSER. Plain and simple. He's mean and manipulative and ugly and hateful and spiteful...and I know you love him, but he's gonna flip someday and hurt you really badly, and I don't mean emotionally.

Find a way to get him away from you and your kids. Hopefully it'll be a wake up call to him to change his ways...but if not, the least you've done is shown your boys that his behavior (and yours) is NOT the way married people are supposed to behave!

You are carrying ALL the financial burdens in the relationship - you have an out. You work hard - he sucks up your money and your energy and your LOVE like a sponge and for what? Great sex? That's all? You can do THAT on your own!

I love you hon - but you've been hurting like h-e-double-hockey-sticks since the first day I logged on, and I've never seen (heard) of a change in him. All I hear is that you give, give, give and he sucks your giving up like a leech.

You and your boys AND your daughter are worth so much more than that!

- Kimmy

Hi Kimmy,

I kicked him out twice before and I had to get the police to escort him out the last time. He was on drugs then. I wish there was an simple way to kick him out but I know it is gonna be a big mess. The last time I tried to kick him out after the night he stayed in a hotel in OW's town he packed his bags, made a bunch of threats to dismantle motors in my car, take my rims off, and harass me at work. When I came home he was still home. He was sweet and I just gave in. I felt it was too much hassle and maybe things would get better. Now I know things will not get better and I have got to go through the hassle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he packed his bags, made a bunch of threats to dismantle motors in my car, take my rims off, and harass me at work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's a word for that - extortion. If you don't do this, I'm gonna do this to you. Blah, blah, blah. Well, are you and your kid's mental health on the line - yeppers. What's worth more, your rims? I don't think so, chica! Do you have a garage? Park your car in there. Your car gets one scratch, and you call the cops on him. Seriously. You need to show him he can't bully you anymore. Furthermore, keep a log of his threats. Put it in a spiral notebook and keep it somewhere safe - but don't tell him you're doing it. It's gonna come down to his word against yours, and if you can whip that book out and say on such and such a day at approx. this time, he said blah, it's gonna hold up far better than what he says.

He's banking on you not doing anything. He's telling you you're lazy and worthless so you think you are. He's sleeping in another room is more mental extortion...you're lazy and worthless, so he's not gonna sleep beside you - but if you cleaned the glass, doncha think he'd have picked something else to b*tch about? I do. He was gunning for it.

This isn't gonna be easy, so we're just gonna have to suck that one up and keep on with the program.

Are you in a larger town? Most decent sized cities have legal help clinics that you can go to for advice and for help filing paperwork. Also, YOU NEED TO CONTACT AN ABUSE HELP group. They can steer you in what steps to protect you and the bambinos.

- Kimmy

PS - BTW - YOU ARE NEITHER LAZY NOR WORTHLESS. YOU have two jobs and he's just going to school? That is complete and total bullsh*t! YOU HAVE TWO JOBS and he b*tches that he cooked dinner and cleaned up after, but you left a glass on the counter? That is BULLSH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Kimmy,

I am gonna go to the shelter and get some advise to devise a plan. I talked sweet to him this morning to buy myself some time to get my ducks in an order. I am not backing out this time. I am following through. I love him still but I am not taking his crap anymore. I told him so last night. He choose to take the easy way out and chose OW instead of change. They may still lose that baby to foster care and then where will he be. I think he is headed nowhere but down. Neither one have a job and they both are ex felons.

Genia,

I am sorry for your pain, but after reading what you are going through I am more angry than sad. I agree with niosgirl - It is time to kick his a$$ to the curb. Girl, WTF do you need him for nothing. If my H was as bad as yours (eventhough he does his dirt too) I would have long ago. My H at least still supports the family and me, but He** you are supporting this [censored]. I am livid right about now.

I had no idea you were the one with all the cards. Let him go he is only using you at this point anyway, because he knows that you won't leave him. Plus if he is not supporting the family then WTF are you tolerating his [censored] for!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I don't mean to come down on you but I am angry at his worthless butt!! I want the best for you and your kids and let's face it he may not be it!!

Plus he is just continuing the cycle because you are allowing it to happen. Stand up for yourself you can get good sex somewhere else ( he did )!

I am so saddened that he even has the balls to do this, but hey they will do what we allow them to do. Stand up for yourself and be the woman that I know you can be!!

Be encouraged and give his a$$ the shock of his life - Let him endulge in his [censored] without you and the kids. Heck he sounds like a three time loser!!

I love you girl and I am here for you!!! ( I hope I did not overstep my bounds - if I did I am sorry)

JT

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Hi JT,

I like your style the way you talk straight. Yes I know I have taken a lot from him. In the beginning of our relationship he did work. Then he let himself go to drugs. Drugs let him destroy his work reputation in our town. I live in a small town and there are not many jobs to start with especially for ex felons. I am proud of him for getting clean and for going to school, and yes I fell in love with him for some reason. I take crap out of him I would not out of other men. He uses the knowledge that I love him so much against me. He will be shocked when I really kick his butt out. I do not think he beleives I will do it. Whatever. The hard part is I know I am gonna go through withdrawal for the first few days. The other bad part is my support system is his family. I am gonna get my butt to The Shelter for Women for Advise. I can get free counseling on steps to get out of this situation safely.

Good - get it done!!

Love Ya,

JT

Genia,

I do not have much advice, other than to tell you I think your doing the right thing.

I will say the following:

Now more than ever I hope you can stick to your resolve (as I mentioned on my thread to you).

It sounds as if you have put a hercule-ian effort into your marriage. I can only hope my WW puts 1/10th the effort into my marriage. Fingers crossed.

Some people like themes. I know at work we have mission statements, quality policies and all that jazz. It helps some people. If you need a 'theme' word, I have one for you. Invictus.

Its Latin. Root word is Invict. It means Invincible or Unconquerable. I am not sure if you can walk through walls or leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I bet you have walked across a few puddles without making a ripple.

Would you trust an electrition to tell you about your plumbing? No. Do not listen to WH about you as a person. His baseline is all screwed up. Worthless people do not care, and since you care, it follows that you are not worthless. Simple logic, and you can't argue with that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck with your local support group, they should be helpful. Keep us posted.

Hi Canthishelp,

Thank you for your concern. I know I will be in withdrawal. After I kick him out will be the hard part. He will call me later thinking I will just take him back to take more abuse. I need to remain strong.

Write me at my work addy and I'll send you my #. That way, when you feel weak, you can talk to someone.

- Kimmy
kovalle@nalco.com

Just wanted to say the others are right. that and you and your deserve to be happy & safe

Genia...Sit down with the women's shelter people. Take a paper and pen and write down your fears and concerns.
Show them the list. They CAN help you. My mom had to do to get away from my dad for awhile. He was a very jealous man. I can remember my parents fighting and them my mom loading me and my sisters in to a car and just driving until she could find someone to take us in.
But she didn't have much money so we always went back home.
It is going to hurt but there is going to be a time when you look back and say, "I DID IT!"
Take care, breathe deeply, and ask God to walk or carry as need be.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
ent

I called and a man answered the phone and only told me to get a protective order. Maybe I need to go up to the house myself. Since our fight, I am making plans to leave. We were cordial with each other but did not make up. We slept together but did not touch each other. I am sure he will want SF soon, but I do not want SF with him as it would make me want to stay. I cannot put up with his behaviour of doing stuff behind my back. The cell phone bill revealed part of the story. I am sure that is not all the story as my home phone is unlimited and does not give me a record. Even though his ex-wife is married when she spoke to me she mentioned him wanting to meet with her. I think she thought it was more than just concerning visitation with his son. She said she did not want to do anything to hurt the relationship he was in. I almost felt like she was trying to tell me something in a round about way.

I finally got some help. I will be talking to somebody at a coalition for battered women in the town where I live. I have an appointment for Monday. I went to the health department to day and who should we run into but husband's ex-wifes sister. Would you beleive husband sat behind me and just started talking to her. After awhile from the conversation I figured out who she was. I said to husband, "Oh you are not even gonna introduce me." His Ex's sister asked if I was his woman. He kept jokeing and said he did not know me. I told her I was his wife. She said to husband, I am gonna have to talk to you, that is not right. I am like thinking to myself, "Whatever" because that is the way I feel now. I do not care anymore. To expect anything more out of him is to hurt. So I am through expecting stuff and if he cannot change I will plan B him till Divorce Day.

How are you this morning? How was your weekend, chica?

Hi Kimmy,

I must say my weekend was a little crazy. My husband asked me for SF Sunday. I weakened and gave in. Afterwards even though it was good I felt I was wrong because I had told myself that I would not do this because he was talking to OW. We were watching TV after that. A boy had got a 16 year old pregnant. She did not tell him. She went with the boys brother. He learned through third party. He asked her why she went with his brother when she knew she was pregnant with his baby. She said because she was angry with him for getting her pregnant. He said to her, we will always have a bond together for the baby's sake. That reminded me of my situation so I asked husband what were his and OW's plans concerning OC. He said he did not know. I then told him that I still expect him to get paternity test and go through court. I told him that if you do not do that OW will manipulate everything in her favor. He says he is working it out with OW, he is not going to court. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I say well if you want to live with me you will have to go through the court system because I will not have OW making my life hell. He says OW will not do that. I say she will because I know her type. He says I am not gonna hate OW because you do. I say, I am not telling you to hate her, I just do not want you makeing contact with her behind my back. He tells me if he has to do that to live with me that He will leave. He told me that I was not the only woman who he can fall in love with or that can fall in love with him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I say but I loved you that way and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But then I also tell him that my demands are non-negotiable. I leave angry with him and go to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I own two cars. I tried to take the one he usually drives. He ran out and sat in the car and would not let me drive it. I come home at night. He is meek and says he loves me. I say you do not love me because if you do you will agree to my terms. He says I should just trust him because he is not cheating. I say, I do not want you talking to her period. If he has not agreed to my terms by the end of the week, I am not melting. He will have to leave.

PS: Husband's NA sponsor was cheating on his wife. I found out yesterday that I work with the OW. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> OW proudly announced to me that she was marrying husband's NA sponsor. I said how long have you been dating. She said four months. I hate her. Husband's NA sponsor was married 18 years and now this woman I work with is wrecking their marriage. This is NA sponsors second time. He is raising twins from first OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Genia,

I am sorry for what you are going thru & may have to do, but you are doing the right thing, set up your boundaries NOW, don't let H & OW dictate to you how your life will be - like I did. You will save your self a lot of pain, heartache & misery but ending it now, if need be.

I pray you don't have to put him out but maybe if you do Plan B it will knock some sense into him. Do you really think he will go w/o a fight? What will you do if he won't leave?

Praying for you, & supporting you in whatever decision you have to make.

Hi Babygirl,

I have a feeling he will not go without a fight. Why should he, he has the best of both worlds, a woman his age taking care of him and a baby by a woman almost young enough to be his daughter who is in love with him. He has an argument with me, he can talk to her. I beleive when I came home last night he told me he loved me hoping to soften me up so he could keep both worlds. Too bad I understand where he is coming from and I am not allowing him to manipulate me any longer. In talking to his ex-wife and his sister I saw the light concerning his selfish behavior. Also KTbunches post woke me up as to how hard things can be even with a court order. No I am not about to be the rat at the mercy of OW's cruel manipulations. I am getting advise today at a coalition for battered women. The woman I will be seeing has a degree in social work. She will advise me as to the way out if so need be. A girl at work said he would be begging me to come home in a week. I replied, I do not think a week will teach him his lesson. How long? Hum! Good question. Babygirl, funny we made the same decision this weekend. I gave the shorter time frame because I fear I will change my mind if I don't move quickly. Good luck to you. Stay strong.