I need some advice. My H had an A and pg resulted. The oc is now around 9 mos. old. I am afraid we have established some bad things.
We have not gotten a paternity test or done anything legal yet. My H sees the OC about once every two weeks as if we had visitation. The OW has dictated that I cannot come with my H to pick up OC. He does not have C with OW with the exception of picking OC up. He takes one of his two daughers (my beautiful teenage step-daughers) with him when he picks OC up. I am not comfortable with the way things are. As most everyone else, my situation is very complicated. My H and I want to stay together and are trying to work on our M.
I am needing help sorting through everything. I would appreiate any help anyone can give.

Hi exfrodo! Welcome to MB...I am not an expert and I am sure someone else will be along shortly! Have you contacted an attorney? Usually an attorney can set the boundries legally for visitation and drop off/pick up of the OC!

Are you familiar with the POJA? You and your H should go over what YOUR boundries are and agree upon pick up and drop off of the OC. You can also meet OW/OC in a mutual area for this as well. I am new to this OC thing, but not new to MB, so I dont have much info on the OC sitch! But I would start by contcting your attorney to set up legal rights and issues!

Hi exfrodo,

Could you elaberate as to why you are uncomfortable with your daughters going with husband for pick-up. Do you not trust your husband with your daughters. Do you not trust your daughters. I am not particularly comfortable with my husband with my 19 year old daughter because he acts like my daughter is better than me. Meaning he is jolly around my daughter but a grouch around me. So is your situation similar to mine. Please elaborate. Once every two weeks is not real often, but you should be involved but if you do not go through legal means most OW do not want their baby's around us because they do not trust us. They think we will take our bitterness out on their babies.

exfrodo,

Ok, warning signs are going off right now. You said that you have NOT had paternity established? Your H is taking his D's, your step-D's to pick-up OC, does that mean the OC comes to your home?

Here's what I recommend. First, as momto3boys said, you need to work with the policy of joint agreement, POJA. Have you read or looked into anything else on this board, or just read in the forums? Check our the Q & A, the recommended reading, and anything that even remotely looks like it could squeeze into your situation.

But, you really need to get to an attorney and have DNA testing set up, and let OW know that you want a legal visitation set up if paternity proves that your H is the father. You may be stuck anyway, even if he is not the father, as the regular visitation, no matter how minor, can be viewed as "acknowledgement of paternity"! Try to work with your H with the POJA to stop visitations until the paternity is proven to be your H. Does your H pay any CS(child support)? That will be another factor if you take the OW to court and the OC is proven to be your H's, the court will order CS to be paid.

Check out as much about the process as you can. Make sure you know what you are getting into first, but there have been a few cases, even in the recent past, where the WH and BW(wayward husband, betrayed wife) get the proverbial "get out of jail free" card, and DNA proves that the OC is not the child of the WH.

I hope that I was helpful in some way! Good luck!

Tigger

I too think Paternity should be established but once husband starts visitation it is often too late. But if you do not go to court and get Paternity and visitation established the OW has all the cards. You need to stop this.

I Agree with the others, you and H need to get patenity established ASAP!!!
Here is what my counsular told me:
When ox is not alowing you be be with h when he sees oc she is trying to cut you out of picture,
she wants your H back , he is getting emotional attached to a child that may or not be his and that is going to cause him, and you (S)daughters
emotional and psycological damage. She is playing and h's and your family's heartstrings.
Put your foot down and tell H he must get paternity leagelly established and visitation and cs established through courts as well!!!
Been dealing with xow in a similar situation this week. She was Playing w emotions of my H and our kids by trying to get them to visit her and possible oc before paternity was established, H and I talked and we stuck to our agreement no contact with xow and nc till paternity and visitation is set up thruogh courts and visitaton will only happen if we all H, our kids, and I are all there.
Hang in there, and keep praying.

I agree about establishing paternity and getting ourselves in order legally. Money is an issue at the present moment.
I do trust my daughters and husband when they go to get the child together. I just wonder what will happen when they can't go with him. He would like to be able to pick OC up alone. He feels that he has no more attraction to OW and can be trusted.
I have read lots of the material on MB website but am far from getting through all that may apply to me.
Thanks for listening and repling. I just want to do what's right for everyone involved.

Really this OW, IMO, has no right to keep you away from this child! As my H put it to me, this child is half YOURS anyway, cuz you and your H are one person (established when you got married)...When this OW got involved with your H who was a MM to begin with, she new it, right? So when she got PG, she knew you would be a part of this childs life!

We are going to try for joint custody of this OC...you might want to consider that...also some lawyers will give you a break on payment if money is an issue...look around! go online and find all the info you can in your state!

I'm afraid that doing the P now after he has had visitations and he has alread "admitted" the P of the OC. I know in our state is is like that. You don't pay and/or don't do visits until it is confirmed, if you do, you are admitting that the child is yours and therefore, even if its proven not H, doesn't matter. He would still have to support that child til 18-21. He doesn't have to do visitations but he will have to pay the support for that child. So I would check w/ the child support services in your area. Also check to see if there is "free" help with your problem. Is it "cheaper" in the long run, if the child is not his? Or I think most men don't want to think they where that dumb to sleep w/ person who slept around on them, while they where sleeping around on us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> But thats a whole nother can of worms. I wish you luck and you need to get these things done ASAP! Unless you are just willing to live w/ the way things are now. Did you say that the child comes to your home for visits and for how long does the baby stay?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Neither of us realized that accepting visitation would show paternity without the test. We were advised to get it and did not. I wish we would have known. Chances are pretty high that he is the father. Still I don't like being forced into the situation and all because we were stupid about it. I wish there was some manual for dealing with this. H and I want to do things the right way.
The OC comes once every two weeks for 2 hours or so.

There should be in your state public help for situations like this. You don't want her going for public assistance and putting H down as the father and then all of the sudden you all this money? You have to consider the worst, cause OW can't be trusted. They will tell you "Don't want anything from you" and then in two years you owe THOUSANDS! Doing nothing does not protect your family. I first time she gets mad at you or H she will hit you where she can, in the pocket! See as long as things are going HER way she is ok, she has the control and she will use the child to do so. You and your H are M and you have every right to go and p/u this child. You are being told by her, that you can't? No I wouldn't let that woman tell me anything. And once you start the P get ready, she is going to hit the roof! And show all kinds of colors. IF this is your H child, she can not tell you you cant ride w/ him for p/u & delv. He has as much right and time w/ this child if he chooses! And there is not a darn thing she can do about it. I wish you luck and keep us informed and we are here for you! But I would look for as much FREE help as I could. You may have to stay on the phone for days, but it will be worth it. Does the baby have your last name of B/C? You need to find out. You can do that w/o her too. Should be public record and anything public record you have access to. Good luck and we are praying for you!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

YOU HAVE TO HAVE A LAYWER.

1. You need to establish paternity.
2. If the child is his (don't be so sure), then you need to set up visitation. OW has no more right to the child then he does. Don't ever forget that.
3. She can, at any time go and demand cs. Get it going NOW. Cause this woman, when/if she realizes that she is not getting him to be hers, will sue for everything she can get her greedy hands on.


Having good legal representation is a proactive step to protect you and your marriage and yes, your money. It establishes boundaries and can be enforced.

As for your husband. If you are uncomfortable with this situation, tell him. Be open and honest about your feelings on this. Tell him that plain and clear, without anger, "I do not want you going over there to see oc until we have established paternity, and BOTH have legal access to oc, and oc can come to our home" Period. It is not unfair, not pushy, not rude. You need to cut this manipulative shrew out of your life. If he starts waffeling and whining about what is good for the oc, then you have a fight on your hands. He needs to be made well aware that the oc is not the only person who was victimized by this affair, and the oc needs should not superced yours. If he can't see that, then the fight is on.

Honey, fight for your marriage the way you want it to be. Why should you settle for less? He created this mess.

But you need to be honest and firm. No contact with ow/oc until paternity established.

Stand up, stand tall and be firm. This is YOUR life, and you need to take care of you. So do it. Take back controll of your life. OW has no right what-so-ever, once paternity is established, to say you can't be around that child. Don't let her control another day. Smack her with the reality of the situation. She does not call the shots.

It is amazing how quickly they shut up and slither away when the start losing court battles. They see CS as a victory. They start changing their tune real quick when the bench starts leveling them in court. She has to understand that just as the affair was 50/50 so will everything else be. Maybe you want oc 50% of the time to live with you? That can happen. Did you know that most courts, to streamline the paperwork will have the MM put oc on insurance? When (in my state) that is wrong? We have a special policy that covers only 50% of the bill. Example: Hospital visit of 10,000. Our insurance only pays it's percentage of $5,000. OW is liable for the other $5,000. Stuff like that. Our ow was told that we would not have/seek/wish any visitation or any contact with her or oc. She kept pushing. Calling grandparents. She was hauled in on harrassment charges as there was an order to keep her away from our family. She lost alot over the years. She has leins against her property to pay for our attorney fees from one of her tirades. That shut her up pretty good. So, be tough and firm.

Another thing. Stay on top of this. They are like puppies. You have to train them early on to make them behave later on. A well versed, legal document is the insurance that you get to live and enjoy your life free of the hassles and hysterical whining of the OW. It allows you to be happy,live, love and laugh without her in your life.

So go and be honest, be tough, be firm. But do not, under any circumstances allow one more day to go by as is. YOU ARE BEING WALKED ON AND BASICALLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSED. Do not take one more day of it.

Hi,

I read on another post. KTbunch wrote it I think. Something about mediation in the court, where they decide on visitation for husband and OW as to best interest of OC. You might want to look into that.

I have spent the better part of the morning online looking for legal information and marriage counselors. I seem to be running into many obstacles. Keep praying for me.

What if you called Social Services. I am not sure if all states have a mediation program. I looked it up and could find nothing for where I live. Perhaps Social Services could direct you to some similar help for your county. Couldn't you make an anonymous call and ask for information on Establishing visitation for unmarried parents. Ask if there is any free legal assistance to establish visitation in best interest of child.

Hi,

I got an answer for you I just made some phone calls. Call Clerk of court. Other Civil Matters. I told them I was trying to find out about visitation for Never Married Parents. They gave me an number for legal aide. She told me to have husband call. Read my update and you will find conversation was not too nice though. My husband is still in the fog. He thinks OW is going to be cooperative.