Been divorced from my ex-WS for two years. (Didn't know about MB then.) He had an affair with a young girl (21) that he met through his AA/NA recovery meetings. She got pregnant, many said probably on purpose to try and keep him in her life. Well, it worked. The baby was born one month before our divorce was finalized. WS was at the birth for the sake of the "OC". He moved OW and OC into his apartment after the birth because "they had nowhere else to go". OW would threaten to take the baby, and that WS "would never see him again" whenever attempts were made to set limits with her. On top of it all, the baby was born with Down Syndrome. All during this time WS was seeing me and asking me to be patient and work on reconciliation. Took ten months to get DNA test. He was the father. Well anyhow, it pissed me off to think that WS and OW were being seen as the "cute" couple among their recovering friends. (The guys probably thought he must have something special to be able to get a 21 yr old chick when he was 47 yrs old!)A lottery was being held to guess the baby's birthdate and weight. A co-worker of mine, in recovery, said that the impression was that my WS was divorced from me. Not at the time! Here was my WS walking around his Recovery Club, with 7 years clean and sober...being seen as a wonderful example for others. He was particularly seen in a positive light when he stayed with the OW to take care of his "Special Needs" son. His son is totally innocent. He deserves a relationship with his father. My WS brought the OC over to my house several times, per my request, when we were discussing reconciliation. I was willing to see if I could deal with the OC "in the flesh", if reconciliation was even feasible. He's a little sweety and I felt I could love and accept him. Promises, promises promises by my WS throughout our reconciliation attempt,,,,with no changes.

Set up no contact with WS. Trying to put the pain behind me. My exWS doesn't live in the same town as me, so I don't have to run into him. Well, this past week my son gets a new co-worker. My son mentions something about going out for a drink after work. The new co-worker said that she doesn't drink anymore because she's in recovery. My son happened to mention that his ex Stp father had been in recovery and had really messed up when he got this young girl pregnant. The co-worker said, "Oh I think I know who your talking about. Is it WS and OW?" She then went on to talk about how my exWS lost alot of friends over it, that there were people who knew he wasn't divorced, and that his OW was seen as a "hootchie mama" who pulled one over on my WS. Well, that was kind of good to find out that my WS and the OW didn't totally get away with their crap among their peers! But again, they thought my WS "made the right choice to stay and help raise his son." And "No", my WS and I didn't have any children together,,, by choice. Ours were all teens, and we didn't want to start parenting all over again. But I was willing to accept this child into my life, so my exWS could have continued to have a relationship with his son.

What gets me the most, is that I didn't see this situation with my son and this new co-worker coming. It's like, what are the odds that those two would end up working at the same place and time, two years after the fact?? It just stirred it all up again for me. The anger, the feeling like I wanted to vomit, powerlessness, hopelessness, humiliation that I wasn't "enough", and lots and lots of tears. I'm sick of having something that I had absolutely no choice or control over affect me so strongly!! I'm sick of never being able to totally put it to rest because something else keeps popping up when I least expect it. Yes, I'm in counselling, but I don't think that anyone can quite understand how this feels unless they've "been there and done it". That's why I came and posted on the MB site. I knew that others could truely understand my pain. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Heartfailure,

When I first read your story. I thought it was me. My WS is 37 and met OW, who proudly told me she was 23, in NA. I constantly hear my husband joking on the phone about a lot of NA people having sex among themselves, some of them married. His sponsor is raising twins by OW. He is with his wife but still cheating on her. I overheard husband telling him his wife was gonna kill him. My OW would threaten my husband that he would not see OC when she did not get her way. She would call my house and hang up on me till she got the nerve to talk to me. She would tell me about all the sex they were haveing together. They would go to NA together. I asked him once not to sit with her. He got angry with me and told me he could not help who sat beside him. He finally took her home to her family three hours away. He spent the night. I think they slept together. I asked him after that if I could go to one of his open meetings. He told me no because he they talk about private stuff. I feel like he is ashamed of me. Maybe he feels like since he portrayed him and her as a couple in NA that it will make him look bad to bring me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He went to see her a month and a half ago because he was afraid she would hurt the baby doing drugs. Told me he wanted to get her committed. He spent the night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I did not agree to that. Now he calls her all the time and his excuse is that he is afraid she will hurt the baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Lies.
I am so tired. NA is a place where they trade one addiction for another. NA has not helped him. He is still the same selfish person. He does not even call his kid's who are 16 and 17 years old. Yet he is chasing after OW because he loves the baby so much. I wish I could talk with you because when I read your story, I thought I was reading mine.

PS: By the way OW is 7 and 1/2 months pregnant.

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

HF, I'm right there w/ ya' girl!

Those ol' feelings you describe are akin to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome/Disorder. It was a very stressful & traumatic event you had happen in your life & there are bound to be some residual affects from it.

I'm sorry that it came up so unexpectedly. Those unexpected moments are the worst.

I do know that it usually gets better in time. At least that seems to be how it is for me.

That feeling of wanting to vomit, all too familiar, I still get it sometimes but not so severe & as frequent. All those feelings & physical reactions are familiar. Some symptoms linger longer than others.

So.......I know you know it takes time but I just wanted to encourage you that you are NOT alone, any one here could tell you that.

Genia and ktbunch,
I can't thank-you enough for your support. I live by myself, sons have gone off to college, extended family doesn't understand or doesn't want to hear it (not that I blame them!)I'm off from work on a medical leave due to depression and chronic fatigue, so I have few sources of support. It can get mighty lonely.

Genia,
If you'd like to talk more with me you can e-mail me at: drewbeary@AOL.com Our stories really do seem very similar! I certainly don't have any answers, but I do have some understanding of what you're going through.

HF,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And "No", my WS and I didn't have any children together,,, by choice. Ours were all teens, and we didn't want to start parenting all over again. But I was willing to accept this child into my life, so my exWS could have continued to have a relationship with his son.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">U R most definitely not alone, that statement pretty much describes my life concerning. I am sorry that even now when U think U have made progress moving on w/ your life there R still triggers even now that will pull U right back to DDay & all the awful time after that. Even if my H & I don't make it, I know this will never b gone from my mind even though I have no kids w/my H either, U still had a M, that U obviously didn't take lightly given the fact that U were willing 2 try to make it work even w/ OC in the picture. That takes a special kind of woman & we R the best of the bunch! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So U R in the BEST company here, keep posting we R here 4 U!

Hi Heartfailure,

I will e-mail you. Sorry I got kicked off the MB forum yesterday and could not respond back to you. My husband gets his hair done where he met OW. He does not understand how traumantically that affects me.

My prayers are with you. I am glad you are out of the situation. I wish I were.