I am fed up with my H's waffling and fence sitting! OW did not have the abortion...how surprising! She says it is a creation between her and him and it will bond them forever! GAG!!! H is insistant that he does love me and wants very badly to stay here and work on the marriage...BUT that he still wants to call OW! I asked him how on earth can we work on the marriage when he is still involved with the OW?

I told him he had to leave last night! He doesn't want to...I think he is afraid I wont let him back...and that he will "be with her"...I have a feeling they have "been together" lately!

We have started counselling and it went very well! The counselor told me not to kick him out yet until I was for sure what I wanted. I amsure I do not want this OW in my life any longer and I want to pull myself out of this hell hole that he has created for me...He just doens't "get it". He says it kills him what he is doing to me...but yet he says he cant stop calling her!

What should I do?

Hi Momto3boys,

You know I was working on my Plan B letter for the same reason you speak of. My husband refuses to stop calling OW. He is now also harrassing his ex-wife. I spoke to her. It seemed that she didn't want him calling when I talked to her. Yet she does talk to him as evidenced by cell phone bill. Since I am on to him, he said he will start makeing calls from somebody else's house. I am so tired of feeling second place. So I know how you feel. Logic tells me he is not the right man for me and I should leave. My love for him makes it hard for me to leave. It is like we become their Mom and they rebell against us. I just want to be his Lover. I am so tired of it now that I do not even want sex from him any more. And I am a high testosterone woman. So this is bad for me. But it just feels like we are the referree and they are in the game playing without us. It should be the other way around. I think they all just lie real good. The thing about the abortion was probably just to buy him some time. We want to believe them so bad because we love them. But, after a while you will get tired. So sorry for what you are going through.

MT3B,

UGH!

If your H is truly committed to healing your M, he MUST stop all contact with her! If she is determined to have the baby, there is NO reason for any contact at least until it is born, and then handled through your lawyer.
He just simply has to understand that speaking with her is a dealbreaker for you!

Sorry you're hurting.

His excuse is that he is trying to stop her from hurting the baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Yeah right. He knows there is nothing he can do. If he cared so much about kids, why isn't he calling his sons who are 16 and 17. I asked him. He said because they are grown. He has an excuse for everything. I am working on my plan B letter. The thought of sex with my husband disgusts me now. But when I am in his presensce he makes it seem like he is doing the right thing and I am the bad person for questioning him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

ARGH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> WH slept in the guest room last night! I was still angry with him when he got up...He was all over me...He was asking me all these questions about if I was still sore from my surgery, etc...(I just had a tummy tuck and breast lift 4 weeks ago)...I told him no not really...just when I bend over...He then put his hand on my stomach and said "does that hurt when I press down on it" I said "no, I have no feeling there anymore, so I cant feel anything"

He then led me to the bedroom..I told him I do not want to do anything. First I am not in the mood...We proceeded to have SF..he said that having me meet those needs, will make it easier on him to stop calling OW...ARGH!

I do want to love my H, but he is making it so hard with his waffling! We then talked about the OC...how he wants me to be a part of its' life just as he is...he wants full joint custody of the child! I am just not there yet...I dont know what I want!

I am so confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It's a DREAM WORLD to think that you can have yourfamily, your marriage AND OC in it.

It will be a constant state ofdiscord & dissention.(sp?) It will never be harmonious.

You will either have OW who wants your H back & will constantly be wreaking havoc & putting you & your marraige through the emotional wringer OR you will have a very angry & bitter OW, who doesn't get the man & will constantly wreak havoc & put you & your marriage & family through the emotional wringer but now w/ a kid in the middle of it all plus your own kids!!!!!!!

It will all be a bunch of games.

This is REAL life people. You can't have it both ways. Either you choose your family or you don't.

MM will NEVER have a fully functional relationship w/OC if MM stays married. This is just a fact & a consequence. The sooner we ALL face it & move on, the sooner we will all be better off.

If C is chosen MM will be @ the mercy of OW forever. OW WILL be calling all the shots, over CS, custody ect. MM will have to walk on eggshells forever or else he ill not see his kid. OW will have all the power because the child will primarily be w/ her. That is just how it is. MM will not be able to just see OC whenever he wants like the children in his home, it will be when OW says it's ok. Even w/ an order in place, it will have to be something OW has agreed too.

Oh & that 'bonded forever' line is just a load of crap! There is no bond. Ask any anonymous sperm donor because that's all your H was really. Just a sperm donor who happened to know who his 'donation' went to------------& this one's NOT tax deductable!

Try & get as far away as possible. C w/ OC will do nothing positive or healthy for your marriage.

KT--you seem so upset and bitter for you--do I take that OC visitation and such is not going well right now--I hate to see your so positive attitude disappear--you always give me some much when I'm down. I hope you aren't down girl!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is REAL life people. You can't have it both ways. Either you choose your family or you don't.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yah. Okay. Thanks a million KT but my family's BEEN chosen - of course, it also includes two children that I DIDN'T donate my eggs for - but that doesn't make them any less family!

- Kim

KT--you seem so upset and bitter for you--do I take that OC visitation and such is not going well right now--I hate to see your so positive attitude disappear--you always give me some much when I'm down. I hope you aren't down girl!

KT, I thought things were ok with you and the OC???

Kim, what is your story? Do you see OW? Is OW still in your H life? What about OC's? How is that going? Is it true what KT says, that OW will either be bitter OR want H back...Can she possibly be OK with it all and be OK with us having joint custody! She has to abide by the court ruling...right?

UGH! I am so very confused!

sorry, this rant was meant more for the fence-sitting MM-----"you can't have both".
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I had another bad dream last night & I think I am coming down w/ something so I am a bit edgy. sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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I don't have an issue w/ OC but w/ OC comes OW. I just mean that there will ALWAYS be 'something'.
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Nio, I don't doubt your love for your OCs but you have to admit that OW does not help w/ the marriage & tries to make things difficult.

We, personally, still have some major (& ridiculous) issues looming ahead for us that I KNOW OW is not gonna budge on unless miraculously forced soooooooooo... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...That was/is where I am coming from.
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I think many MM think they can have their married family & OC will be included like children @ home but it's just not true. I think they want that only to make themselves feel better, to assuage their own guilt, not realizing all the other problems it can/will create.
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I consider OC 'my family' as well, unfortuneately, OW does not feel the same. Heck, in OW's mind, she considers OC only HER daughter & not even H daughter!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

sorry for the tj.

Mom,

Just some thoughts here. I know you've said you've been angry all the time and distant from dad and you think that makes things worse. I think you are right on the money. It won't help dad feel that you are approachable.

Yet, despite your distant demeanor, he comes right out and tells you that he wants SF from YOU to help him break ties with OW. That is huge to me. It's like he's telling you that sex is the only thing she has that keeps him coming back. I don't think OC even has as much pull.

You know that he's still talking with OW (a lot) and probably having sex with her again (yuck!). OW thinks this OC is a bond between them.... and dad's actions seem to indicate he buys into the bond thing, too, because he can't stay away from OW.

Just laying out all the facts here as I see them.

Dad wants you to be the one to make the huge sacrifice and accept OW and OC in your life forever. You want dad to be the one to sacrifice OC (or at least guarantee OW won't be part of any contact with OC).

Dad doesn't want to lose you and the boys. But I don't think he can fathom the possibility that you might not wish to sacrifice the way he hopes and instead choose a sane life for you and the boys, away from dad, cut off from OW, and cut off from OC (unless, of course, dad involves them).

Your choices are plain: sacrifice and involve yourself and the boys in an uncertain (possibly crazed) future, or get divorced and send dad packing.

Sometimes I think divorce is a better option for you because at least then the boys will be protected financially as first-come, first-served. Who knows? Dad might get it together and come back, with no contact with OW and OC part of the bargain and you could remarry. I know. Sounds lame.

Then again, you can ride this thing out until some semblance of POJA forms.

Your choices are clear, but not easy. Perhaps you and Dad can each list the pros and cons of having contact with OC and run them by your psych at your next counseling session. This needs to be sorted through with a clear third person.

Hang in there!

~ Snow

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Hi M23B,
I wish there was something I could say or do. I've been dropping over here from time to time to check in on you, hoping something would change.

I just want you to know that I think D23B is just a fool. I've been with your story from the very beginning and you've been so incredibly strong and patient throughout the whole mess. I am dumbfounded at the fact that he doesn't see what he's losing here.

I know you love him, and I know you want your M to work, but you definately have to come up with a POJA. He keeps breaking the rules, comes up with different excuses to break the rules. I think SB may be wrong about the SF. I think he does it to keep YOU from going back to Plan B, because we all know how much he hated that !

To hell with OW/OC. When it's born, then another POJA comes into effect, but for right now, he can not have anything to do with her, and he better go to any extreme he needs to to prove that he isn't contacting her.

I'm always thinking of you and those beautiful boys.

I don't know how you do it lady, but you got lots of fight in you. You're a better woman than I could ever be.

God Bless.

Ok now Im really scared. Just read from KT about the OW and the whole issue about the baby. Im just new to this. Confused as hell. I have tried everything to make things as comfy as possible. Have accompanied my H on visits with the OC, with OW hovering and making remarks back and forth. All the while tolerating for the sake of the OC, and for my H to have that time with the baby.

No matter how nice I have been SHE HATES ME. Nothing I say or do will change her. Now she doesnt want me at visits. I have NO idea why, she says that H has to bond with the baby. But how do I impair that? I dont understand it at all. How have you handled this situation? We have begun the process for visitation only to have more obstacles thrown at us. H is not going to back down. He wants his child with us. He wants OC to grow up with our family. All we wanted was every other weekend for a few hours so that the OC can get to know us. So CS is fine but he has no right to visitation?

Im so darn confused here.

Mom23B,

I agree with KT, in her rant post, your H cannot b allowed 2 continue to fence sit, cake eat, none of that. I learned the hard way that the way this starts off is the way it will play out & maybe finish. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Does H know about POJA, if so U 2 need 2 try & follow it. He seems determined 2 b in OC's life, U have 2 decide if U can live w/ that. There will always b some type of contact w/ OW if this is H's OC but there is no reason 4 it now that I can C. The abortion game was just 2 string H along & get your hopes up. Now that OW is done w/ that she will go 2 a different game. U must let H know now what U will put up w & where U draw the line in the sand as Kimmy says.

I am praying 4 U, there R no easy answers in this situation but ultimately U must do what is best 4 U & your children, even if that means Plan B until H gets full & sick from the all cake he eating or his butt hurts from sitting & he gets off the fence.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs 2 U}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

There is no reason he needs to talk to OW. I do not even want to give my husband SF unless he stops talking to OW. What if you tell husband that you do not want his sorry butt as long as he is talking to OW. If he has no more self control than that he is pitiful. Your husband is manipulating you. He should give you SF because he loves you, not because he is afraid he will talk to OW.