I posted this on general, but it was suggested I post it here too.

Hi I am new to this so excuse me if I get some acronyms wrong. I have been lurking for about a week and reading has really encouraged me. My H had his 2nd A recently. D-Day was 3/3/04. Since I handled the first A badly I was determined to do this one differently. I told him if he wanted to continue to see OW he had to move out of our house. I allowed him to come by every evening to see our children. It was very hard on our D because she is very attached to H. I was nice to him, but firm that he could not come home until he ended the A. I guess we handled it pretty well because my D was happy seeing her daddy every day. Well, two weeks into the separation he asked to come home. He agreed to my conditions which were end the A, meet with the leaders of our church and do whatever they expect of him, and work on our M. About 1 week after he came back we went into MC. I had been in IC for several months which really helped me handle all of this with very little anger. Our MC was going really well and it felt like we were making great strides, but a few weeks into it I knew something was going on. He denied it so vehemently I thought maybe I was nuts. Guess what! He came to me in June and told me he had gone back to seeing OW. She called our pastor which is why he came clean to me. She wanted to know if he was getting D'd why was he in MC with me?

He agreed to end it and he confessed to our church. He confessed to our MC as well and we have continued working on our M. About 3 weeks later he gets a call that OW is pg. He broke that to me right away. Of course that meant unprotected sex, but I had already insisted we both be tested for STD's and we are both clean.

Beacause of the pg H has not gone NC with OW. He "allows" OW to call him regarding the pg. This is against my wishes and our MC told him he needs to stop. I have gotten the sinking feeling recently that the C has increased because now the cell phone never leaves his truck. He used to bring it in the house and leave out in the open. This has caused great stress for me and I have LB'd quite a bit. I want to implement a good Plan A. I know he wants to be home with me, I don't know what the attraction is to continuing the R with OW. But I feel right now Plan A is where I need to be. How do I find one? I don't know how to search this site very well yet. Sorry this was so long.

married 13 years
DD 11
DS 6
Dday 3/3/04
A resumed 3 weeks later
2nd d day 6/29/04

I am so sorry to have to welcome you here. But, you have come to the right place. What you are going through now is the worst you are going to feel so now there is nowhere to go but up. You'll find a lot of advice, support and comfort here.

First of all, you are experiencing the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage. And affair is bad enough, but to include an OC into the mix "squares" the pain. There is nothing worse. Nothing.

The stages you will experience over the next year will be confusing because you will go from profound grief to outrage to denial and back again. The stages will shift around and until you get through the grieving part of it and settle into a kind of acceptance where you will be able to think more clearly and finally make some decisions.

The first thing you need to do is begin by reading everything you can on this site, starting with The General Welcome for New Builders Lots of VERY useful information and links there to help you understand this site and the advice you will receive on the forums. On this thread you will also find the links for Plan A. Learn the Harley very effective principles and methods for marital and personal recovery. If your H is sincere and determined to make this marriage work, he should begin reading all the material available to rebuild the marriage. Whether or not he participates in this program of recovery, it is important for you to do so just for your own personal recovery from this devastating blow.

If you decide the marriage is worth saving and that you are willing to do what is necessary to rebuild, then learning the Harley Principles is the best place to start. There is an Emotional Needs Questionaire that you and your H should fill out and then discuss together. Some strongly suggest you both get into marital counseling with a pro-marriage counselor, preferably someone familiar with the Harley Principles (because these policies really work). Phone counseling is available on this site with the Harleys.

The Rules of Radical Honesty and Rules of Protection along with the Policy for Joint Agreement will help your marriage recovery.

While you are in so much turmoil, you should not make any drastic decisions about anything. Let everything settle down for a while and after you feel you have calmed down enough to think clearly, you can consider some options.

The hardest thing is the disappointment and confusion over the Betrayal. The shock that someone you love so much is capable of doing something so horrible is something you'll never be able to shake completely. It will get easier in time. I know it is hard to imagine now that there will ever come a time where you won't be in agonizing over all this, but you will get through this even if you decide to stay in the marriage as long as your H works the recovery. This is a time for you and your H to re-connect, to talk openly and honestly about what has happened and why it happened, and then to make every effort to re-build your marriage. This is a time for the two of you to concentrate on each other and to find out where your hearts are truly telling you to go.

It is heartbreaking to know that so many women and men share this problem, but at the same time, it gives you hope that recovery is possible. You will learn to laugh again, love with your whole heart again, and trust again. But, it will take time and effort . If your H is committed to making the marriage the safe place for you both that it once was, you can move forward.

There are wonderful and caring people on this site. Keep posting and draw from the wisdom and strength of those who have been through this and survived it, and those that are travelling that same road with you. Just know you are not alone and that recovery is possible and that you won't always feel this horrible. It will get better.

Just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone and we are a great group of people here on this site to lean on. We never get tried of listening go let it all out and vent to us or just write away when you want to call WS etc. I have included a couple of links that should be helpful and once I find our 180's list I will add that to unless one of the others beats me to it.Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
What Are Plan A and Plan B

How To Overcome Love Busters

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 11:24 PM: Message edited by: albany ]</small>

I just want to say that there is no reason for contact with OW. Paternity should be established as soon as possible. CS established if husband is father and visitation. Everything needs to be handled through court or OW will make your life hell. I would express this to your husband and if he does not comply, do Plan B. I have talked to my husband once a month for three months concerning contact with OW. He claims it is for the baby. I am moving to plan B.

Thanks so much for the welcomes. I have been reading and quite encouraged by what I have found on this board. I began to re-read HNHN this weekend. I started a plan A on Wednesday after major LBing for a couple weeks. I see the effect on my H already. He is coming home from work on time or sometimes early. Saturday morning he made coffee for me! That is a first. He wants to spend time with me and our children. Genia, I agree that it must be NC but I know it is down to almost none. Our MC told him he needs to change his cell phone number but until then I will continue plan A. We did manage to have some R talk yesterday and did have a conversation about OW/OC situation. H has no desire to be with OW and is not sure how he feels about OC. I did tell him that my research indicates that this all needs to be done through the courts. We will wait for OW to serve H have the DNA testing etc. I am handling things pretty well right now, but my anxiety comes and goes. We are dealing with this in our MC, but I want to work on our M so we are strong before the OC is born. We don't even have a due date yet. OW is angry right now and hates me. She wrote me a pretty ugly letter about a month ago. I wrote a response, gave it to H to read and then had him burn BOTH letters. I will not play into her hands and let her draw me into a battle.

Thanks again for the advice and support

Killnme