On this past Sat. nite my H brought his daughter home for an overnite visit - surprise! I had no warning & was totally caught off guard. Turns out that OW wanted to go out & needed H to babysit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Mind you the baby still does not come over on a regular basis but IF OW needs a nite out all she has to do is ask "da da" I guess.

I didn't spend much time with the baby at all, I didn't know how to feel about any of it, my first reaction was to be pissed off cuz of the way he got her overnite, then I thought well maybe this is the start of OW letting go of all her petty ways & seeing the situation for what it is, finally putting her daughter's needs first, now I know I am dreaming if I think she grew a brain & is using it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I then started to think that I don't know if I want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I have nothing against my step daugher, but do I really want to bond with her, knowing that the wind may blow too fast & OW will start with the games again, if this is even to be a regular thing to begin with.

When I left for church that next morning I looked at them sleeping & it hurt my heart, cuz she should have been my daughter, & if H had just let God handle this maybe she would have. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I did LB at H later on after the baby was gone, told him I didn't think I could deal with this & he told me he is trying to work this all out, that he wants me to be a part of her life, that we are meant to be & he doesn't want us to separate or D. I am just not sure if I am fooling myself, for all my talk about what a good stepmother I could be - can I really do this if given the chance? More importantly do I want to? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Sorry for the ramble ladies, I have held this all week & needed to vent.

Keep praying, I know I can't stop!

I feel for you. All the questions you have? Only you can answer.

May I ask, how did your husband react when you said you weren't sure if you could?

Does he undertand what he is asking of you?

BBG, I know you could be the greatest step-mom there ever wuz! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think you have reservations about getting attached to her, cause you just don't know when you will see her again. I think that is not what you want to do. And these children yours/mine/oc they all belong to God. They are not ours! But he has allowed us to be apart of them in a special way. (You know what I am talking about?) Each one of God's children I come in contact with, he has allowed me to be a part of thier lives. (I do alot w/ children at church) But he fills my heart w/ joy to think I was special enough to be in their lives. No matter how small! Hunny I remember the ones who touched my heart and I touched thiers when I was young. And you remember those who where not a good part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> For those who WORK at contact and I know it will take alot of work, you may be the BEST thing that ever touches that childs life! And thats what I want to be no matter who's child I come in contact with. ((Hugs)))Oh p/s men are slow about taking care of anything!! LOL
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I've re-read your message and now I am pissed.

I would be furious. How dare she "use" you two as babysitters, at her convience. How dare he just spring this on you.

I am glad you told him your honest feelings that you are not sure about having a life with all of this in it. He wants to stay married? Is he showing and proving it?

How did he get the oc? Was he at her place? How do you feel about it.

The thing is, by cutting out the ow, by both of you either picking up the oc, dropping off oc, it in effect is telling her that she is not part of this unit. That her opinions, wants,wishes, thoughts, emotions, etc. do not matter one bit. That she is nothing. He has to undertand that if he wants you and this marriage that he can't let her maniupate anymore, at your expense.

Actually, how dare he want to play house at your expense. Does he have a clue as to what this has done to you?

BG,
That is tough and that is so not right that she "allowed" him to have OC overnight because she wanted to go out. I would say then overnights should become a standard thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I then started to think that I don't know if I want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I have nothing against my step daugher, but do I really want to bond with her, knowing that the wind may blow too fast & OW will start with the games again, if this is even to be a regular thing to begin with. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is normal. It's hard to bond with someone if they maybe taken away from you. I can't remember where you are with the V. Have you guys gone to Court or anything?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I left for church that next morning I looked at them sleeping & it hurt my heart, cuz she should have been my daughter </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can only imagine how that would hurt. I am so sorry, big hug to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> didn't think I could deal with this & he told me he is trying to work this all out, that he wants me to be a part of her life, that we are meant to be & he doesn't want us to separate or D. I am just not sure if I am fooling myself, for all my talk about what a good stepmother I could be - can I really do this if given the chance? More importantly do I want to? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are thoughts I have all the time too. Do I want this, should I want this, why would I put myself through this? I know you will be a fine step-mother, so don't even think differently.

I think we have a lot of similar issues in dealing with OC. H wants his M (or so he says), says he wants to be part of OC's life, trying to work it out etc. But I still wonder if it is worked out, like I say I want, would I be happy with that?

Thanks ladies for your replies.

Lynn - You scared me for a minute when I read your first post, I thought this is not the Lynn I know - you were too nice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (LOL)

In your second post I knew who you were & I t0o was furious, as I said I really didn't interact much with the baby cuz I didn't appreciate the way OW "used" him & I refused to be a part of that. Of course he didn't see it, thought I should be happy that the baby was over, I have told him from day one that I was willing to accept this child in my life, not her mother & not this "baby mamma drama" crap she wants to pull. She can only do what he allows her too though. He doesn't get it, still after 2 yrs., how this has affected me, my son, my family, my life!!! I know he picked up the baby from OW's apt. & no I was not happy about it.

Sunny & Luv -

I am just doubting that this situation can work mainly because of the way it started out, H has not gone to court for V, that is why we don't have her in the house on a regular basis. H keeps saying he is going to court, waiting for a date, I know he is dragging on it & if nothing happens by the end of the year I still may walk. I also told H that I was seriously considering selling our house & living with my sister once my son goes off to school in the fall, so he is nervous. As far as I know OW is now pursuing the father of her boys so she has given up on H, so why is she uncomfortable w/ me being around the baby now? Good question, & of course H does not know the answer. There isn't one other than OW being a total byatch!

All this is partly my fault for not putting my foot down from day one about all this. I allowed this to start & continue, I should not have allowed H to visit the baby at OW's apt., I should have insisted on court ordered V. So for over a yr. now a routine has been established, so I can't totally blame H for the current situation. Things are better between us, but there is no us w/o baby being included. Is this really the life I want for myself? I know that baby needs me, her mother is unfit, the poor child had two long scratches on her face, I didn't ask how she got them, didn't want to know. I know children have accidents, but everytime I see her there is always something off.

I know I am the only one who can decide whether to keep fighting or let it go, maybe the overnite visit was my dose of reality, even if this starts on a regular basis, can I deal with ? Why should I?

Hi Babygirl,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I think you should still go to court for visitation. I am sure there would be an excuse for the scratches as there are many ways to get scratched. I feel for you and hope you can get this resolved.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry but i'm glad you are back and i just missed you online last night.

My H is meeting with OW to talk about OC tomorrow--she already listed him as parent on her public assistance paperwork so he got a CS thing in the mail last week--he is all stressed because OW's mom is getting in the middle of it and making it a complicated mess--I'm sure after the meeting tomorrow he'll find he needs to get a lawyer--and he has said he will make them do dna test before paying anything.

I am so glad to hear from you. I was worried about you when I noticed that you hadn't posted for a while. I am sorry for your pain but I do believe that this has given you a dose of what is to come if you did have contact. I am not knocking it, but I am glad you have benn finally faced with the reality of the situation. Only you can answer if you are going to be able to handle the situation.

I do think H was real insensitive to you by just bringing her over with no discussion about it. If I am correct that is your home as well and you should have been the first one consulted. You are his wife and if he was really concerned with your well being then he would have discussed it with you.
So please evaluate everything in its proper perspective. What exactly is he trying to say? Will you have to continue the rest of your life just going along with things to keep the peace or to keep your marriage so to speak? You are a strong woman and only you can decide what you can and are willing to live with.

Remember that I am here for you if you need me.
Read my posts to give me some of your positive and needed insight.

Love ya,

JT

Hey BG,

I am right there with you. All those questions you have running through your mind keep going through mine. I keep imagining myself in my little apt. with my kids and how life would be. It seems so nice and stress free. Then I see my H and kids and I together and I don't want to leave.

But like you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> can I deal with ? Why should I? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All this is partly my fault for not putting my foot down from day one about all this. I allowed this to start & continue, I should not have allowed H to visit the baby at OW's apt., </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have done this too, even against your advice. I wanted to be understanding but I don't want it to go on like this forever either.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H has not gone to court for V, that is why we don't have her in the house on a regular basis. H keeps saying he is going to court, waiting for a date, I know he is dragging on it & if nothing happens by the end of the year I still may walk. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel my H is dragging his feet a little on the V thing. He had an atty but is in the process of getting a new one. That is good news because all his old one ever said was "try to work it out between the two of you." I am going to see if this atty moves things along. If he does not, then it's my H and not the atty. holding things up. Like you BG, I am out of there soon. Can't do it much longer. I was ready to leave the other week and held back. I am at the end of the rope, it won't be long if something does not change.

Thanks so much for your input ladies, I have missed you all & have been keeping up on your posts.

JT - so sorry you went ahead and filed but you did what you had to for YOU. Who knows it ain't over til God says so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But in my case you are right H doesn't get it, & I don't think he ever will, honestly. He knows I want our M to be healed & to include his daughter in our family, but he seems to think I am being impatient about everything, if I just keep waiting who knows maybe 5 yrs. from now things will be better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I won't put 5 more yrs. or 1 more yr. into this relationship as it is.

I can't keep looking back but I tend too & blame myself for many things that are going on now but bottom line is H has to step up & handle this mess - HIS mess & not at my expense.

I know if it is meant to be it will be & if not I will move on & enjoy the rest of my life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


P.S. Albany I saw that I missed you, maybe another time!

Here is how I see it.

BW go into a deep shock, hurt and a place where we have never been when an affair has happened. Double that when an oc is brought into the picture.

As the events unfold, it is much easier and quite natural to sit back and let the tail wag the dog. Afterall, you have been sucker punched by the very person who was supposed to cherish you. So it is quite easy and normal to let things get to the point where the husband is visiting the oc, no dna, no legal visitation. Does that mean that it is ever to late. HE!! NO.

So what if you were reeling while events unfolded. Today you are not. Today you are strong and vital and do not want this crap in your life. It is adult, mature and just to have things done the legal way. PERIOD. Only a simpleton would not have all the ducks lined up.
So if dear sweet hubby is not getting the laywer on this, you can. Phone a laywer and start getting tons of information. Look into your own well being first, as in separation, alimony, child support, etc. Then discuss the oc and all that garbage. You need to get moving and now. If you do not want H at ow house to see oc, tell him. If you do not want oc in your home, tell him. If you want contact with oc, but do not want any with ow, tell him (yes this can be done). Lay all the cards on the table. THIS IS WHAT I WILL ACCEPT, THIS IS WHAT I WON'T. And go from there. If the H is not able to work this out, to what is best for your marriage (not oc, but your marriage), then how strong/happy/good will the marriage be?

Lord it irritates me that not only do these idiots have affairs and kids, but then take supreme advantage, talk about kicking someone when they are down.

Personally (and this is me talking) I would go home and say, no more. There will be no more visitation with oc until it is proven, legally that oc is yours, and until legal, just visitation is set up for ALL of us, ow be dammed. No way would I let her call a single shot. If the kid is his, he has just as much right to do/see kid with his family. To bad, so sad if she doesn't like it. Her emotional well being is a moot point, let her family worry about her. But no way in he!! should you accept the status quo. Enough is enough.

This is not a dress rehersal for your real life. This is it. Are you going to let this mistake control you forever? Change it. This is your life. Your marriage. Your family. Kick the s1ut out of it.

As for the contact issue. I have always been firmly and 100% against contact with the oc. Why? The oc is not the only person hurt. The hurt is spread all around and it is morally corrupt to think that a wife and her children should pay the price to fix the mistake created by two. Their lives and well being should not be subjected to upheaval, unhappiness, and allt he drama associated, all to accomodate one person. This is not right. SO if you do not want contact, SAY IT. Why be quiet? This resentment will grow and grow and grow. Be honest here. What have to lose? What do you have to gain? Think about how many men think it is the "right thing to do" and drag the family into the pits for the oc. What if he was educated and learned that the oc is NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE HERE, but just one of many?

He wants to work it out????? But on his terms??? Meaning contact with oc. That is not working it out. That is bullying. That is telling you take it or leave it. Sorry, there are two sides here. You need to tell him he works on the marriage and joint decisions or he is out, and that means the oc crap too. Either he handles it legally, and as a team or there is not go. What are you going to do when she sues him for back child support? Ruin your financial well being for who? The oc? AHHH NO. The oc is not your problem. You don't even have to worry about what is best for oc. oc has a mother.

So kick this thing in high gear, take control and mean what you say!

Lynn,

Thanks for the post. I agree w/ most of what you said. This is it for me, no more [censored] footing around.

I have no problem with contact, H does pay CS, but legal V must be set up & I want a 3rd party involved or I go along. I have said these things to H but have not acted on them & of course he has not either, but this has gone on long enough that I definitely agree with.

We have no children together so I don't have to worry about CS or seeing him ever again if we separate. I have taken about all I can, it is now or never, H has heard it, now I have to show him. That is the next step.

Babygirl

Sorry you have to go through this stuff. Be careful. H Xow let Oc stay the night for the first time in May. Like your situation she needed a babysitter. J (OC) is 5 and has never been left alone with us before, total surprise. H was enjoying visits with J for about 4 weeks, then Ow had a change in heart and is now saying she wants H to sign off his rights.

Just watch out, we are now trying to get the visits court ordered.

All I have to say is....

GO LYNN... GO LYNN.. GO LYNN....

Can you see my arms circling around?

Whew.. I just feel so much better about my H's and my decision to have NC and NOT feel guilty about it anymore.

Everything you say Lynn, is what I felt strongly before I ever entered the world of "the boards"... or the likes of LynnG. I felt very mixed emotions and guilt for a long time and worried to death that it would somehow come back on me since I could not handle it.. that God would judge me.. etc..

But as of this time in our lives, there is just no way. I cannot withstand the ultimate torture of "getting through" such visits.. of painting a smile on for the yes, innnocent child.... making nice and being some hero who could endure this...

I could not and neither could H and I when trying to rebuild our family. And Lord knows our children --whew cant imagine the embrassment and terrible example this would show right now in their tender aged years....

If you do have C and can withstand it, please don't misunderstand my comments. I DO admire you so much!

ALBANY--WHY is H meeting OW in person to DISCUSS OC???? Why? Why? I can't believe that you can take that- like Luv does too. How can you allow this to take place within your marriage? TELEPHONE should be the only limited means for such communication. eek I hate this crap- all of it.

G~

If I go it isn't going to make a bit of difference-she knowns H and I aren't together--you have to understand our M issues don't have to do with OW or OC now--he doesn't have contact with her nor has he had since early NOV.

Our issue is him fence sitting about our marriage not about OW or OC--he knows OW gor pregnant on purpose to try and keep him--I feel no threat by OW--if we were to remain married and have C I would demand to be the go between and yes I know for sure he hasn't been seeing her (OW).

He is meeting her and only her--his intentions anyway but I told him not to be surprised if she brings OC.

The OC was born first week of June--neither one of us know what day and H has never seen OC nor does he want to and I firmly believe that--he isn't lying on that one.

You don't have to believe me but OW and OC are not our issues now-nor have they been for several months.

You are not together? I have to re-read your situation.

I just know that I would not allow or feel good about any meeting that could be done via phone. I also have absolutely no insecurity about OW and H at all, since H broke if off before she even found out about preganancy..

However, I guess its more a respect issue or something. Its not like she's the ex-wife or whatever.

Whatever the situation is Albany I wish there were NONE for you or any of us to contend with... is it possible to close our eyes and just wish it away? Huh??????

LynnG,

I have always felt exactly how you do about the OW/OC issue. I knew deep in my heart that it would not work, unfortunately my H has stayed in his A with OW. Lying to me on a daily basis like he wants his marriage, but I have taken my life back and filed for D. He really leaves me no other choice - he does not even want to discuss anything with me about this whole situation. So I have taken it into my own hands. I told him what I would accept and still tried to give him time, but the lie continued.

So by the beginning of next week my locks will be changed on the house and he should be served with his papers. If this is the life that he wants then that is fine. It doesn't have to be the life that I want to be a part of. So I am letting him have his own way just without me waiting to supply the cushion for this fall.

Besides I don't know what OW thinks that she is getting he's spending 50/50 time between us and leaving his BC children behind. So what the HE!! does she expect him to do for OC. He dam# shure isn't going to be changing any diapers or helping with feedings- He!! he won't even hear the baby let alone her if she asks him to go do it.

He did not make time for our own kids until they were able to feed themselves and move around on their own. so more power to the Bi#$%!!

She can have it!! ALl of IT!!!!

I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE - RIGHT NOW DAM# IT!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


JT

Oh BBYG,

I got so caught up until I forgot to tell you - You do need to set the boundaries and mean it. If he can't stick to it or does not even try then kick his A$$ to the curb!!

LOVE YA,

JT

BBGY: that is the perfect word JT2 used----BOUNDARIES. That is what you need to set. IT may take some reflection or introspection first to realize what your boundaries are.

You have not had any. H has been allowed to do all he wants w/ no consequences.

Let's look @ it from all angles & see what stands out. ok?

You have been wanting H to bring OC over to visit w/ both of you together. That is a very reasonable request if you are to stay married & there is C w/ OC. So 1 positive step.

OW needed a babysitter. 2 positive & 2 negative steps (which makes us even lol) Pos. becuase now there is a standard set that OC CAN be in your home & overnight w/o excuse. Also positive becuase it could indicate that OW is also moving on w/ her life as well.

Now, negative becuase H did not give any warning, thus again, being selfish. Also, like you said, it was a dose of reality. And also negative because OW may have been using OC visit as only a convenience to herself, selfish motivations like H.

1 NEgative step becuase this was on a whim & not written on a court order......it can be revoked @ any time & again you will be @ the mercy of OW & H whims.
************
************
SO now that you have a taste of this......what are you willing to DO about it?

Examine if it is truly what you want.....no one would blame you in either postion you choose but you MUST be honest.

Are you willing to have all C be @ your home but personally, you are not that involved, as a parent type role? Are you willing to be fully involved w/ C @ your home in a full parental role?

Are you willing to go along for p/u & d/o regardelss of your involvement? Are you willing for H to p/u OC alone?

Are you willing for visits to be on a whim to whim basis or do you need more structure & stability. (court order, whichis recommended anyway!)

SO you decide what will work for you & what you will do if your 'needs' w/ this are not met.

Are you willing to D H? How far will you go? What are you willing to do?
*********
*********

You need to set your boundaries BUT w/ consequences if your boundaries are crossed.

That's all you need to do. Just think about it & then make a list. Then create realistic consequences that you are actually willing to do.

For example, if you had a verbally abusive H. You say, if you raise your voice to me I will leave the room. Something you can actually & realistically do. kwim?
*******
********
You can do this BBG.

I'm sure you would make a great step-mom but you are under NO obligation to be a step-mom. The choice is yours.

Take care of yourself & use this weekend to focus & think about what you really want & what you are willing to do to attain what you want from your marriage.