BabyGirl93,
Whoa!!!~~~~~~~~

You are too new to this situation and too fresh to the incredible pain you have had to endure!

Then Mr. wonderful brings home the oc for an overnight?

I'd have fled to a hotel room! How insensitive can these men/women be?

Can you afford a session with the Harleys? It will give your husband a little insight as to what you have endured thus far....make him see how lame-brained he is being by bringing *their* child into YOUR home!

My H struggled with wanting me AND having oc around and we did it once per my calling ow and setting things up....it was a complete heartwrenching disaster....ow calling to *check* on the baby (we ARE complete idiots as you must know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )...making us bring oc home earlier than she first said...telling H I no longer can be the go-between as I was not the *MOTHER* (I knew she was the real mother but not in that context if you know what I mean)

I decided then and there that although I still loved my H I no longer respected a person who would inflict so many months of agony and hideous dramatic events for me to go through AFTER ALL I had already gone through....I told him if he wanted oc, I would no longer be at his side because it was sucking the breath out of me and I no longer could withstand it...

I would lovingly leave the whole mess....he could have oc, it WASN'T mine...ow was right...I didn't have an ounce of feeling for oc and refused to keep on trying "as if"...

H began to turn around toward me...every now and then he'd shed a tear over the whole thing and explain to me he never intended for this to happen...(really? no condom and you believed she was on the pill even after her threats to tell me?)

Ow was hell on wheels for another 2 1/2 years....but we survived....we recently moved (another recommendation of Harley) and things are so like normal it's scary....trust is back...except for his once in a while "How could I have been so stupid, Debi?" we are back on track...his remorse is in abundance and needn't be any more as far as I'm concerned...he did what it took to win back his wife with a scare that will keep him home and close to me.....

All I know is that I have grown more than you will ever know....if something devasting should happen in the future between us, like another big *mistake*, I can/will fly on my own because I am comfortable in my own skin. And you my dear will be there someday no matter what happens.....be patient but stand your ground with your H.

He will think this is all insane now, but when he grows out of that damn fog...he'll know choosing you was for the best.

Now call Steve Harley and see if that will help turn things around....you're too good to babysit another womans child by your H.....do not become a doormat to keep him, you'll wind up with resentment at all the turmoil. Take it from one who believes that!

Prayers for peace, Baby Girl.
love
Deb

ps....LynnG, gotta love you hon!

amen deb/gemeni1! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


hi giovanna! e-me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey KT! Its been a while!

Gemini, amen to your post. H and our family just moved into a wonderful new home and have been working together for months on house projects. Things are back to normal for us too and its even a little boring LOL.. I could never be where I am if I had to endure OC and essentiaLLy OW in our lives in any way shape or form.

Babygirl... you tried and it was hard. Ut may get easier if visitation becomes regular and CONSENTED TO by you-- or it may get worse. If it gets worse, well you'll know what to do then! xo, G

Thanks again Ladies,

You have all given me lots to think about, especially you KT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can't afford the Harleys, but I have had IC & we had one MC together, I know that I have to set boundaries & if they are not followed by H, I am gonna have to make a move. This will go on forever unless I stop it.

There is no way to force H to do anything, but I too will not be forced to do anything I don't want too.

At our one MC session we were told that this is the year WE have to make a choice as to whether or not we stay together. That was back in Feb. & no real steps have been made to rectify the current situation yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So looks like I have to make some hard decisions and choices in the months to come 2005 is right around the corner.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Well dear, nothing has been done cause of the boundaries being all over the map!! Right now he thinks he is being a good guy. He is thinking, well I am staying with my wife and I am sorry, gee honey the ow is letting me bring oc to our home!. He obviously has no clue as to how this would make you feel. Why not?

So, you need to write yourself a list of things and sit this man down and calmly tell him what you can and can't take. He needs to feel what he has done. It is obvious he wants to stay with you (and why not, you sound wonderful), so get this marriage back together. Find out exactly what he thinks and expects. Does he really think you would be happy with oc in your home? And just where did that thought come from? Stuff like that. If you do not get these issues dealt with, you will be miserable. So bring them up. If you two are far apart, then what status is the marriage at? And remember, what is best for oc is NOT to ever be considered by you when you are discussing your marriage. Those are two separate issues.

You need to be calm, focused and serious. You can do it. You are a good person dealt a bad blow. Fight for your life, your marraige and your happiness. You do not need to take anymore, you are in charge of your life and are quite capable of handling this. Just a speed bump. So get the honest feelings and truth out on your table and work this out.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Hi Lynn,

I actually did talk w/ H last nite about both issues, us & the baby.

I told him he has to file for vistitation now, & if he was not willing to do that then it is over. I have dealt with this situation for over 2 yrs. now & I know that OW & H seem perfectly happy with the way things are.

I told him that he is not putting me first or our M & I will no longer tolerate it, that I will no longer be a party to OW's whims, wants & needs. Either we have the baby in our home on a regular basis thru the court system or I walk if he doesn't comply.

Also mentioned some issues concering us. He was very quiet, didn't really answer me on the V issue, but I told him I will not continue to live like this & if the necessary changes are not made by him we will separate by the first of the year. I am giving him more than enough time to handle this matter, if he is scared of OW than he can be scared of her & with her but this will not continue.

Lynn, I have no problem with contact, I knew from day one that H would not be a part of his daughters life, nor would I ask him too. No I don't like the way she came here but she is here & she is the only child H has, & I love him enough to be a stepmom to his daughter but not like this. I can understand why so many chose no contact & I know that OW will most likely continue to be a problem especially if he takes her to court for V, but I don't care, not my problem.

This is the bottom line for me on this issue. No court enforced V, no wife under the same roof with H. It is just that simple. I have wasted too much time on this issue, when it should have & could have been taken care of long ago. Well no use crying over spilled milk as they say.

Based on his lack of response I am assuming he is not planning on moving on this issue, so I will be making plans to separate come Jan. 2005.

Thanks for your input.

BBG - I'm glad you laid it out for him this weekend. At least now he can't say that he didn't know (and we all know that's their fav excuse). I pray that he does what you're asking - it's such a simple thing really, in the grand scheme of things, and would only serve to protect HIM, if he can't see that - well, we don't need anymore idiocy in our lives, now do we? I stand behind your decision 110%! You rock, love, for telling him your boundries, I hope and pray he sees that it's for the best for all concerned!

- Kimmy

Hi Babygirl,

If you read my update you will see I gave my husband the same ultimatum. If he does not agree I am kicking him out this weekend provided my kids are not around. I don't want my kids to see the drama.

Yes Ladies,

It has come to that point, gals gotta do whata gals gotta do!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And I know I have done ALL I can, this is such a simple request that he would have no problem honoring if he really wants ME to continue to be his wife.

Hi Babygirl,

I feel your pain so very real. I thought that asking him to go through court would be a simple request too. It was as if I was an evil woman who had asked him for the world. Yes if he loved me in the right way, he would have said OK hon we will go to court. I think they actually fear OW and that OW will not let them see OC. Just the drama that court would protect him from. Dumb WH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Like I said if mine does not come to his senses by the end of the week, provided my kids are away with their dad, I will part with tears in my eyes.

I am going to ask a question to all here. In reading the Pregnancy/child board, when a WW is pregnant with OMs child, it seems for people here to suggest that the BH raise the child as his own, that it can work, etc. Yet never have I read here a suggestion that a WH try to get custody of the child, and the BW raise it as her own.

Conversly, I have seen time and time again where the advice is for the WH to never see OC, and or minimize contact, but have never seen the suggestion that a WW give up her child.\

Why the double standard? I mean if a BH can be expected to raise another man's child, why can a BW not be expected to have a few overnight visits?

Eric

Actually Eric there are some here who do and I think they will respond to you. Also remember it is much easier from legal stand point for BH to raise WW OC because it is considered his child as long as they were married which means OM would have to contest it and seek paternity ect.

From what I can tell I think many of us BW would raise OC as their own but try getting full custody and taking a child from OW even if they are unfit it is hard to prove and expensive with lawyers.

I would personally do it but I think I would all want all or nothing--meaning full custody and NC with OW. Not many OW's will give up that in my opinion because heck they have tool again as many of us here have experience with OW's who tend to use OC to get what they want.

Not all OW's do but many do.

Like I said there are some raising OC and OW isn't.

Hi Eric,

Maybe you should post this as a new topic. It is just the way things is because of the court system. The woman is the maternal figure and unless a woman is considered unfit most rights go to the birth mother. So if BH is married to WW, she is the mother of the baby and most of the rights belong to her and her husband. If it is the other way around and the WH has baby by OW. Most of the rights lie with the OW. BW has no rights unless her husband stands by her as one. Is it Fair? No. It is just the way it is.

ERic,

I would have to agree with albany. I would be okay with raising OC solely meaning OW giving up all right s to me and H if that would make him happy and remain true to the family. But who the heck ( OW ) is really going to give up their child. legally BW do not have the same benefit as BH's do as far as legalities. BH's are considered the biological father if they are M to the WS. It is not the same for BW's, they have no legal status in their situations so there is a double standard but it is not our faults.

The standard comes according to the law. So your question is really twisting. BW's would probably not have a problem with raising OC if the OW was not in the picture, But that is highly unlikely and the law has a different set of rules when it comes to us (women). So we are not the problem here (BW). I am sure you can figure that out a little more clearly now - can't ya?

JT

Eric,

Not sure y u picked my thread to jack but I think some of the other ladies here have answered your question, but since I started this particular thread I feel obligated 2 answer also.

There r a few cases as I understand where BW & FWH r raising OC, but really how many OW would give up their child? How many BW would want them 2?

As stated a BH is legally the father by M of an OC whether or not they remain in the M & raise the OC is their choice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why the double standard? I mean if a BH can be expected to raise another man's child, why can a BW not be expected to have a few overnight visits?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't c it as a double standard at all it is the choice of the individuals involved. Me personally - no I would not want to raise my H's daughter, do I want contact - yes, I know that my H would not raise OC if it belonged to me, that is his personal choice.

If you had read my previous posts u would understand why I had a problem w/ the overnite visit, also u would know that I want overnite visits as well as regular visits but as ordered by the legal system, not when OW decides it is convenient 4 her.

Obviously if u r a BW & your H has an OC & u have agreed 2 stay M & have contact w/ OC u wouldn't freak out over an overnite visit, that would b pretty stupid don't ya think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Babygirl,
I did not mean to hijack your thread, so I apologize. I also did not mean to take a shot at you, I fully understand the NC with the OW, and not wanting to be a default babysitter.

I guess my real question would be this, if its ok to ask the WH to have NC with a child, why is it never suggested if a WW have no contact with her child, either give it to OM or up for adoption? As you said, you don't think your H would raise your OC.

I was just wondering.

Eric

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: EricM ]</small>

Eric,

No problem with the jack, again I just don't see any OW or MOW giving up their OC, mabye some do but most don't.

IF I was ever in that situation I couldn't see giving up my baby, & therefore would most likely have to raise the baby w/o my H. To me that also would not be fair to ask him to raise another mans child, no more than it is fair for him to want me to be stepmom to his daughter, but the difference is I am willing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Babygirl,
thanks for your honest answer. I guess I just have a hard time understanding this in terms of MB principles, where really if you want to save your marriage, your spouse should come first. So it seems fair to me that a BH should have to right to expect not to have the OC in his life as much as a BW should, but it just doesn't seem to work that way. I guess its a choice a WW could have to make... her and OMs child or her husband.
Thanks again,

Eric

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: EricM ]</small>

Eric

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> if you want to save your marriage, your spouse should come first. So it seems fair to me that a BH should have to right to expect not to have the OC in his life as much as a BW should, but it just doesn't seem to work that way. I guess its a choice a WW could have to make... her and OMs child or her husband. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with u 100%, the bible says the same thing, u forsake all others when u marry. Yes it does come down to a choice that that WW or WH has to make to put his or her W or H first $ have NC w/ OC, be it abortion or adoption for WW or WW & BH / WH & BW can chose to try to save the M & allow contact. Of course it is easier when OC belongs to WW if the H stays in the M since sometimes the OM may not want contact or may not know the child is his or know of the child at all.

R U presently in this situation? If so I am sorry for your pain. I wouldn't wish it on any one.

Babygirl, can I tell you something from the other side? It might and might not help. Before I begin, I do have to say I do agree with one little thing Lynn said. Your husband should get a DNA test. It protects all parties involved. Not just your husband. But anyways......you have every right to feel the way you feel about being attached if she is playing games with this. It's not fair and your husband should understand this. She went out right? He brought her over to your house for the night right? Those are good both good signs that A., your ow is getting on with her life and B., that she knew that baby was coming to your house not staying at hers.......and C., that your husband started involving you. I don't remember your whole story there are too many new ones right now. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's a start. NOW on the other hand. You and your husband have to sit down and really be honest with each other. You can't do this if you really can't handle it or want it and then resent him for pushing this on you and on the flip side you can't expect him to go nc and not resent you for that if he really did not want it. The both of you have to agree and do it together.
Okay she went out and needed a babysitter........well, yeah it could piss you off, but then again.............she was not wanting to be with your husband....do you get what I'm saying? Who knows maybe just maybe something good could come out of this. You just never know. Especially if you and husband do this together. Just a thought.