Hello again everyone...
Was just wondering--when does the pain/shock start easing up? I have noticed an improvement in my anxiety (or it could be the valium!) but depression seems to have sunk in. I went to my psych. and he started me on Zoloft. It's been 3 months since I found out and OW is 4 months along. This past week has been just awful...thoughts of him w/ her constantly pop into my head and the reality of what he's done to me. We are starting a new couple's counsler this coming week. The one we had (I'll still use for just me) didn't seem to be doing any good what-so-ever for couples. She had been just my counsler and then after H moved back home, we started using her for couple's counseling. I will continue to see her for myself though because apparently I need it...psych. agreed with me. H is very supporative and even cries when I'm down in the dumps-says the fact that I even have to take the meds is his fault, the reason I can't get out of bed some days is his fault, etc. We are both trying very hard to work on this and we want it to work...it just seems to be getting to me more as time passes. Instead of going forward, I feel like I'm going backwards and this CAN'T be good. We/I haven't been to the counsler for 2 1/2 weeks because she's on vacation. Could that be it? Thanks for letting me ramble on again. I'm just so confused right now!
Suzy

Suzy,

This is all VERY new to you, & sorry to say I believe there will always be some pain over this as long as you live. But it will lessen over time. I am 2 yrs into it & still have bad days.

Be thankful that your H is standing with you, that is half the battle right there. What do you guys plan to do about DNA,CS & contact or not.

Do you have children together?

Keep posting, this is a great place for support & just to vent if need be. Slow on the weekends though.

Take care.

Hi Suzy,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am 8 months from discovery day. OW is 7 and 1/2 months pregnant. I am doing better but I still obsess a lot. At least your husband is supportive and sorry for what he did. Mine still calls OW and refuses to stop. I love husband but will have to leave him for my sanity.

Thanks Baby and Genia....
To answer your ? Baby, we do not have kids together. I have one 14yo from a previous marriage and I am unable to have children and have not been since the day I met H. The OW had no idea we were together so she was just used but he didn't feel like he was at the time. She's a decent woman and to this day has no idea that H and I had never completely seperated. She's upset with him because he moved back home not realizing that there was a chance we would (in her eyes) get back together but is keeping him to date with the pregnancy. She was a friend of his, not mine but I have asked many people about her and she is devastated that shes preg and thought they were a permanent couple. She doesn't bother us. Even friends of mine who know her couldn't say anything bad about her. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, H called me from work late last night and said he had one more confession to make. He said he wanted to have our relationship completely honest and that from the day he had told me about the A, he had told me one lie and that was that it was a one-nighter w/ OW. Turns out they had sex 6 times. The number isint what bothers me, its the fact that he moved back in with the belief that there would be complete honesty. He said that at the time he told me that he didnt want to hurt me as bad and then after that, he was too weak to tell me the truth. I must give him credit for finally being honest and risking everything we have worked hard on for the last couple months of rebuilding. He was lying the whole time. He said that that was his last issue to deal w/ in his own (not couples) counseling was that he wanted to have an honest relationship but knew that he had told the lie in the beginning. Now, I feel numb...I feel no love towards him, just hurt and anger. I'm glad he finally fessed up but I don't know if I can do this now. I feel sooooooo confused. Two days ago, I loved him to death and now, nothing. Some days, I'm just so sick of dealing with this...
Suzy

It's me again...
Just for a note before I start: My H works straight through from Friday night until Monday night. Having said that, I have come to the conclusion that he did not have to tell me the truth and had it not come from him, I would have never known. I was so angry that I was contemplating not letting him come home tonight (taking a break from him) but I see it as proof that he's wanting this relationship to be with no more lies even if it meant being honest with me took a chance in losing me. I had a long talk w/ him last night and asked him straight up if he realized he's caused more damage and he replied "yes, but I had to be honest with you and either start w/ a clean slate or lose you". So, I am allowing H to come home tonight. I almost feel relieved because if he'd tell me something like that, it tells me he realy must be in it for the long haul. Now, we start the new counseler this Thursday and a new (and a little harder) start. Thanks to you all for letting me ramble on and vent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )
Suzy

SQ,

Your feelings are perfectly normal, this is NOT your average situation in a marriage, although it happens more than I thought after reading here.

Right now I feel working on your M is top priority. U obviously R not ready 2 give up on your M or U wouldn't be here on this site. Dont' try 2 rush getting past this, U need to feel every emotion & deal w/ them. Keep communication open & honest w/ your H hopefully he will do the same. Read every thing on this site, try to have H read also about POJA & do the EN questionnaire.

It sounds as if he is willing 2 try & repair the damage he's done. It will take time, a lot of time. Many may tell U 2 leave him since U 2 don't have kids together, so I will be your biggest supporter 2 stay & fight 4 your M if that is what U want. Since we R in the same boat as far as the kid issue goes.

One blessing U seem 2 have also is that OW from what U know is a decent woman, who was not out to ruin your M. Hopefully she wont' become a problem later if U 2 decide on contact.

It will get better, as I said your H has ended the A is supporting & standing w/ U so U R blessed 4 that reason also.

Be encouraged! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Suzzy,

I just have to say, although you are in a bad situation, it can always be worse for others. I feel for your pain honestly. I wish my husband would come clean however long it will take. I beleive my husband has been lying to me for months concerning the length of the affair. He will probably never come completely clean with me even though I told him I think there is more to it. I am happy at least for you that your husband finally came clean with you. My husband only admitted to what he was caught doing.

Baby,
What you said "you need to feel every emotion and deal with them" is what I believe to be my biggest problem...I feel I don't know HOW to deal with them. I'm hoping our new counsler will help with that. H and I both feel that the progress we've made has been on our own (and from a book) and not much help from the counseler. So we're both looking forward to the new one. There is still contact between him and the OW four days a month because they work in the same building but he avoids her and she's angry at him but she is being level-headed and keeps him to date with the baby and gives him sonogram pics (and asks for his 1/2 of the OB bill). She does not try to interfere in any way with us. There will be contact after the baby is born and they have both agreed to joint custody...with the baby staying with him a couple nights a week. That was all worked out before he ever moved back home. He does want to be responsible for what he's done and does not want to abandon the child. I do want my M to work and I am willing to give 100% and I guess time will tell if I can learn to trust him again...that I can't control. Thanks for supporting me--I'm sorry that you are in the same boat I am but in my selfishness, I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

Genia,
I agree with you that in some ways I have been blessed but that does not lesson my pain. I am sorry you feel you are in a no win situation and can see why. Are you and H in counseling? We are all strong women for having survived what has been done to us--yourself included. No matter what your outcome, I feel it is all part of God's big plan for us. The phrase I try to remember is from the Serenity Prayer "accepting hardship as the pathway to peace". Right now, you and I both are in hardship but are on the path to peace with ourselves, no matter what the outcome of our marriages. Take care.

Suzy

Hi Suzzy,

What I was trying to say, I understand your pain. I never could have seen this happening to me as you could not see this happening to you. I am just saying when you think things are the worst there are people worse off than you. Me included. You are blessed with a husband who is trying to make amends to you even though he committed the worse possible pain to you. I understand the deep pain you feel. Let your husband make amends to you. Mine is not makeing ammends to me. He just says trust me, while he talks to OW behind my back. I am being forced to write a plan B letter after seven months of plan A. I love my husband and write the letter with much pain. You will go through many emotions but at least your husband is trying to make amends to you. I am not makeing light of your pain. I just wish I had half the support your husband is giveing you. I wish you the best in your long painful recovery. Your husband should not be working in same place as OW. Could he relocate.

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Genia,
I didn't mean for my post to come across as ugly and I apologize if it did. I do not think I would be able to stay w/ my H as long as you if I were in your place so you are defintally a stronger woman than me. As for my H working w/ her, he used to work w/ her several times a week. We did discuss him changing jobs but because he works in a rural area, they pay A LOT more than he would get around here. And I don't mean just a few bucks, I mean $10/hr paycut. That, we could not afford so after taking everything into consideration with the other woman being an innocent victim also who's now angry at him, my H working very hard to repair the damage between us and the paycut....we decided that the Friday night through Monday night would work out OK and he only sees he now 4x/month as opposed to several times a week.
I wish you the very best for you in whatever happens with your relationship w/ your H. I know the feeling of feeling out of control...feeling in the dark so I can symphathize w/ you. Just keep strong for YOU.
Suzy

SQ,

I guess what I was trying to say is, don't stifle your emotions from yourself or H, have you two read SAA or His needs Her needs? They are both very good books & will help answer some of the questions you may have in addition to counseling.

It seems your H & OW have worked out all the details regarding OC, but is he not going to do DNA? It doesn't seem wise that he is giving her money for anything concerning this baby until he knows for sure it is his. Just a thought.

How do you really feel about contact? R U doing it just for your H or do you really feel that you want to be a stepmom? It is more than a notion let me tell you. Be honest w/ yourself about this before anything is set in motion. Is this your H's only child or does he have one or more already? If this is his first child then you are exactly in my boat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I hate that I am here but glad for the company too, this site has been a lifesaver for me on many a day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well BG, seems I am in your same boat. This is his first child. I don't know if I'm in denial or something but I have thought about the OC and being a stepmom doesn't bother me. I do not (as of yet, you never know on down the road) have any issues about the OC. My issues are from the A...the child is innocent. As far as giving OW money, we also discussed it and since she is a decent person, we decided we'd rather pay her as we go along because we're pretty sure (99.999%). That plus, if for some reason she becomes not so cooperative on down the road after OC is born, it will look much better in court that since day 1 we have helped her with expenses. My H is oriental so at the time of birth, if we can't look at the child and tell, we are defintally doing DNA and should OC turn out not to be his, we have receipts for every dime we've given her. We have decided to play the safe side and I feel much more comfy with that than to get down the road, OC is born, she decides to be ugly and go to court for full custody or something and be able to use the "he didn't help me one bit financially". We can always sue to get our money back but can not take away damage of him not paying her any money.
We have read SAA but not the other book. Maybe it would also be a good investment. I haven't met the OW, yet but plan too. She's so angry right now at my H right now and I'm hoping she'll calm down after awhile and think of the child's future. When she sees that H and I are staying together and not just here temporarily, hopefully, reality sets in. I don't WANT to meet her, but for the OC sake, I feel we need to. She has the right to refuse and I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about meeting her.
If you don't mind my asking, how do you feel about the OC in your life? Is it hard seeing the child? I'm nervous about what to expect when I first see the OC, when he/she comes to the house. I'm sure it's not going to be a "natural" feeling.
Thanks for all your help.
Suzy

Hi Suzy,

After seven months of knowledge of my husbands affair and reality of baby coming it is not much better. I still feel anger but for me much has to do with the fact that my husband is not being supportive of me at all. He would just walk off from me or get angry at me for crying. I have cried lots but crying has slowed down because I am losing emotion for my husband because he does not care. I think our relationship will be over soon but I will still post and try and feel with others who are going through much of what I went through. Beleive me I understand your pain. Babygirl is in much the same situation. I also do not have kids by my husband but this is his fourth child. He wanted me to have a baby by him but I had my tubes tied. When we got together he said he did not want a baby. Now he has one by another woman and it hurts so much. The pain that she will always be a part of him, and if we separate I will be nothing to him but a memory.

SQ,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well BG, seems I am in your same boat. This is his first child. I don't know if I'm in denial or something but I have thought about the OC and being a stepmom doesn't bother me. I do not (as of yet, you never know on down the road) have any issues about the OC. My issues are from the A...the child is innocent. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel exactly the same way as far as OC being innocent, didn't ask to be born & definitely not under these circumstances. Is your H really excited about being a father? Mine was & is, the main difference in my situation is that my H & I are not united on this issue & OW knows that, so not only have I struggled with issues over the affair but the fact that I & our M still do not come first w/ H. Thank God that your H is repentive & standing with you as one as he should be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's so angry right now at my H right now and I'm hoping she'll calm down after awhile and think of the child's future. When she sees that H and I are staying together and not just here temporarily, hopefully, reality sets in. I don't WANT to meet her, but for the OC sake, I feel we need to. She has the right to refuse and I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about meeting her. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

It is great that you two are thinking ahead as far as CS goes & what could happen if OW decides to get ugly later on. I can understand your need but not want to meet OW, I felt the same way & I did go see her in the hospital after my stepdaugter was born. Especially if you plan to have contact with the child I think it is important & in your case she did not deliberately set out to hurt you so that makes a small difference.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't mind my asking, how do you feel about the OC in your life? Is it hard seeing the child? I'm nervous about what to expect when I first see the OC, when he/she comes to the house. I'm sure it's not going to be a "natural" feeling. Thanks for all your help.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could easily love my stepdaughter if given the chance, don't know if I will get the chance. It was akward the first time I saw her, I cried cuz she should have been my D but my H didn't wait for me to get my tubes untied & for the Lord to bless us. I felt no ill feelings at all, just hurt & a love I knew could grow. Not glad you are in this situation but you are the only one I know of whose in the same situation as far as no kids & this being the only child of your H.

Keep praying, it will get better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />