Just read your post on JT's thread, and didn't want to threadjack! WOW! I dunno how I missed that!

That OW sounds way skanky! I'm glad your dh decided to do what was best for your familia....is he back home yet? How are things there?

- Kimmy

Albany,

I am keeping up with you too. I am so sorry for what you are going through. These WH's of ours give us such confusing messages. That was real mean of your husband to tell you he didn't need drama from you. My husband basically told me the same thing when he took his OW home to her parents. Seems OW's father lectured him so he told me he did not feel like hearing from me too. Hey when you are messing with multiple lives shouldn't they deal with the consequences. Sorry he is making you feel second place. Mine has done that to me multiple times. I am so tired of it. Then when I am ready to throw in the towel he gets sweet. It is like our husband's do not show us kindness till they are scared they are gonna lose us. Albany I think you should just withdraw right now. Take care of you. Have fun. Act like you could care less if he gives you attention. See if he don't come chasing after you like a wounded puppy. I think your husband is a like mine in that he wants freedom, but we are there security. They take us for granted that we are always gonna be there. When they feel like they might lose us then they will chase after us. But will they give up their freedom for us? That is a good question.

Well Niosgirl-I haven't posted much because about me because as far as H and I got hings aren't any different really. YEsterday he watched are son at our house and worked on a truck of his--he was great when I got home-asked about Doc. appt. and showed me what he had done etc.--he lfet and I left with our son. He called me later-I was kinda indifferent to him and distance--I was feeling bummed--I don't need to deal with this women issue forever--great--like I would want any other man to have to know--just loving him and wanting it to work and know it is up to god and my H discovering a lot about himself within himself before it will. He was very cncerned with my behaviour over the phone last night but oh well--just want my marriage to work and to move on. Want it to work and I hope god is listening and will allow my husband to come around. Just bummed-want new to me car--one a little bigger but can't do that because I don't want to be strapped if we go our sep. ways. Hard to be around him and love him but not know if he loves me--I think deep down he does--heck he could have gotten D already and it isn't like we have OW issue as many do on here.

OKAY I"M JUST FEELING NEEDY AND I WANT LOVED AND I"M ABOUT TO FIND IT SOMEWHERE EVEN IF IT MEANS LOOKING ELSEWHERE-ISN"T THAT WHAT HE DID WHEN IT WASN"T ENOUGH.

A, Now two wrongs don't make a right! And we have to remember that. For some reason WE have to be better than them. We have to be more understanding than them. And Then we have to be more forgiving than them! Lord thats what makes us stronger than ANY of them! The rules to this game stinks. But we just have to be the person that God wants us to be and thats all! I hope things get better. I'm really glad that the OW is put in her place and maybe now you can work on your M! (((((((((Hugs to you ))))))))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I don't think OW was really stopping us--she hasn't been in the pircute since last fall except for the fact she was pregnant. I think though H is having a hard time moving on in any direction until he felt like OW/OC issue was handled once she had the baby--I think it was more of a mental obstacle for him and one within himself.

I just want to be held and loved unconditionally and i haven't had that for a long time.

Albany,

I know what you mean. I am so sorry I could not get online last night my computer must have a virus or something. I wanted to talk to you. I hope that today is more of a blessed day for you. I know that you are in pain, as I am. I know that you want more from your H, but he is not able to give it to you. I am not telling you to throw in the towel I am just wondering if you make some decisions about you and your son without thoughts of your H or M. You might find a little happiness. You are putting to much pressure on yourself and him - I know because I was doing the same thing until I decided it was time for me to do what was best for me and the kids.

Trust me you are not going to be happy with someone else right now because you love your H. Plus two wrongs don't make a right. Just live and maybe he'll follow if not then it was not meant to be. Hold him up in prayer and leave it at that. You have got to go on. You have got to get a grip on your life, your son is getting older everyday and will soon recognize what's happening. You can't allow mixed signals to cloud his mind too.

I hope I am not overstepping here, but really am concerned about you. A decision has to be made to let go and live or rot in this horrible misery. If it is meant to be it will be!!

Love Ya,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I just don't know how to tell if it is meant to be. My H won't leave--even when I need space. Tonight we have to deal with the money we got from selling semi--pay off the two visa's and everything else--then I guess I need to turn my back on him--I guess I'm just weak because I can't turn my back on him because my love for him is so strong. It is hard because ont he surface outsiders can't tell because we actually get along very well--he just says he doesn't feel a connection other than that I think--I actually honestly don't think he understnads what he feels.

I'm just saying also that it sucks to be the bigger person all the time.

I know it does. but at some point you are going to have to make a decision for yourself, without him. You can't hold on forever and maybe when he sees he's losing you then he'll be forced to make up his mind in what he wants. Right now you are not making him choose. He is able to come and go as he pleases knowing that you will always be there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just pray about it. You can start not being around as much. Do some things for you - away from the house. Do not always let him know where you are and what you are doing. It's you life and time to start living it.

"If it was meant to be it will be"!!

JT

I'm stuck a little because I need his helpt to pay the mortgage--I actually think that we are making some progress--betweent he two of us--but i haven't directly asked where we stand within the last week. I just have to detach myself and i'm do fairly well--don't call him during the day etc. He seems happier around me now than he did--I don't know--I just hate being all by myself and I feel like that a lot at night--he is around a lot yet gone alot--I think he knows gettign a D isn't right but that may be where we end up. Yes, it will end up being me dooing it I'm sure.

Niosgirl!~read this and laugh.

Okay H calls me at work just a minute ago to ask how long to cook drunk chicken--didn't know what he was referring to but it is the whole chicken cooked with sitting atop beer can. Well heck let me pull tha out of my [censored]--why would I know--never cooked one that way before-here it is good. SO he is cooking it for dinner tonight at our house. What? You are done!

okay Nios--why can't he figure out he isn't going anywhere?

Albany,

He's not going anywhere because he has the best of both world's right now. He plays happy family when it is convenient for him and lives a single life as well. Why would you leave if you can do both?

Being a cake eater is what he's enjoying right now, and besides you are aloowing him to do it! They will only do what you allow them to!

Don't mean to sound harsh, but the reality sometimes is - Trust me I know.

JT

Albany,

He's not going anywhere because he has the best of both world's right now. He plays happy family when it is convenient for him and lives a single life as well. Why would you leave if you can do both?

Being a cake eater is what he's enjoying right now, and besides you are aloowing him to do it! They will only do what you allow them to!

Don't mean to sound harsh, but the reality sometimes is - Trust me I know.

JT

Hi Albany,

I was trying to tell you the same thing. I am in the same shoes as you. I am emotionally distancing myself to my husband because it hurts too much to expect stuff out of him. For three months I have looked at cell phone bill and seen he is calling OW. I ask him to go through courts to get visitation established and he says he will do it through OW. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> So he is not standing by me. Since my emotional withdrawal from him he notices and he misses my love. If you start doing your own thing, Go out, do not sit in the house all the time. Your husband will notice and maybe that will bring him around.

Well we had a great beer butt chicken for dinner.

H and I had great conversation and we discussed money and building my credit back up after being over-extended and using visa's and he said we will build your credit back up. Who the we is--I don't know. Talked about me getting a new car and I said I'm afraid to do much because I'm not sure of my future-like we ever are but you guys all know what I mean.

Talked again about him getting a lawyer deal with paperwork for OW and about no CS until paternity is established and he threw in an interesting comment that he hadn't mentioned on Saturday--it OC has RED hair.

I know that doesn't mean anything but it was a flag to H who didn't think that it could be anyone's else's. No red hair anywhere on H's side--OW has dark brown hair and said some red on her side. Again I know it doesn't mean much but I have blonde-light brown hair naturally and I have alot of red on my dad's side--2 cousins with carrot red hair--and our son was born with dark hair and it turned blonde.

H said yeah I would LMAO if it isn't mine and I said I would to--maybe I'm bad but oh well.

Also told H that have heard of several cases on this site where OC doesn't turn out to be H's--not that uncommon--and why did she give it her last name--just wondering

Personally I think my H is coming around but maybe I'm wrong.

Last night I asked him if he was contributing money to our joint account since his previous check he was suppose to use for his rent on 8/5 and other stuff and then give me check from 08/06--well most of it. He said he wasn't sure etc and I said well if you can't make it on 1500 a month and paying 475 for rent plus small power bill and cell phone you are goign to be in a world of hurt.

He said I know but everything just adds up--all the little things.

I had to be the bigger person and kinda let that go--we use to get low on money right before payday and get paid and then I would pay all the bills and grocery shop and then H would say where did all the money go and he would get all pissy and I would say it all adds up. So he actually said to me well it all adds up as you have told me before.

My reply was well at least this might have taught you a lesson about money and paying bills etc and it so maybe it won't be all a waste <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He got the picture--they don't understand the stress of jungling the money until they do it. I also said you know two households is more expensive than one.

He works today, tomorrow--then Friday and Saturday night. HE is stopping by to go over the bills and for us to decide how to spend money from semi on the visa's. HE told me not to stress over th money and we would figure it all out.

I called him to tell himhow much the visa's were and he said I told you relax do not stress and we will look at tomorrow night--my OCD kicks in and I have a hard time setting things aside like that.

Hi Albany,

Sounds like you have a fairly good evening with your husband. I think you are a lot like me, unsure if husband is going to come back to us to love us 100%. My husband was speaking of spending money on me. I said I do not want you spending money on me if you are gonna be bad. He says well I will be bad and then I don't got to spend no money on you. I said if you are bad it also means we split up. No he don't want to split up. He just does not seem to comprehend what we are up against with his OW. She will not be reasonable and he will soon find out. I am so glad that your husband at least plans to have a paternity test. Good Luck.

update

H came over after work and then went to visit friend of ours--so obviously he left-our friend might ask the girl he has been seeing for awhile 1 1/2 to get married. H told me that this morning--I didn't really respond which I think surprised H but I'm down in the dumps today I think. I asked if he was coming but tonight and he said not which is fine--then he says that he is really tried and has alot to do tomorrow before he goes to work for night shift--get off tonight at 6 and has to be back tomorrow night at 6.

Okay that pisses me off--I can't just do that ever--I have to take care of our son, the house, and the pets plus the bills.

So I told him I'm tried of the one holding down the fort and being responsible and being the rock.

He called me back ans I said I didn't mean to snap at you but I'm tried and worn and I feel like you don't even recognize what i have done while you figure things out. Even if we don't stay together a little thanks for keepign it all together so that we have soemthing to come back to if we choose. He said I'm sorry I do appreciate wha you do and I'm sorry I'm not comign over tonight I said I just want you to know that I'm wearing out and he said I know.

He does seem genuiely (sp) concerned and sorry and he meant it when he said thanks that I could tell and i think he is taking baby steps or he owuld have said then lets be done--he is listening to me and not just saying okay lets be done--that is a small step in the right direction.

I feel better now--I half expected him to throw in my face and say quit being the rock for us because there is no rock.

Albany,

Stay strong girl, I hope you feel al litle better later on. Your H might be able to really commit to you again. I hope he does really know what he would be losing if you walked away from it all. He should really get his life back in order each day that he is gone is a day that his family loses as a whole. it is also a day that you will never be able to recover. They don't come back - your son's childhood will not someday return. Once it is gone it is gone!

Please keep the faith - you have come a long way and so has he. Enjoy the time spent with one another - you need it.

Keep praying,

JT

Thanks JT

I'm okay--H was very nice and I really think that it will work--but only because I have stuck it out and been patient--if I would have bailed awhile ago maybe not but I putting it in god's hands and tryign to hold out a little longer.

Hi Albany,

I just hope he will start staying with you more at night. I am still worried about you. You say he works the night shift. Is that till 6:00 AM in the morning. That is tough. Wouldn't it be easier if the two of you spent more time together. Would it be better if he could work the same shift as you? What would be his reaction if you asked?

He works a very weird shift it is a four days on four days off rotation--you work two days 6-6 and then you don't work until the next night and you work two nights 6-6 and then off for four days

ex:

WED: 6am-6pm
THUR: 6am-6pm
FRI: 6pm-6am
SAT: 6pm-6am
SUN off
MON off
Tues off
Wed off