Well he found out last night that i filed for D!
He did not get served I don't think, but he was going to reopen his CS case for my stepson( he's been having problems with his XW), and his attny must have seen the docket of my D. He brought it up while telling me that he was going to fight to get his (Custody - stepson)whether I help him or not. He then asked me "So you filed for D huh?"
I then told him yes ( calmly ). He asked me when and I told him when I found out that he was still leaving me and the kids every night to go and be with OW.

He then started on about how this was going to break up the kids home - I told him no htat he'd already done that when he created a new family.
To make a long story short he left the house and said that he would come back for his things ( everyone is calm)I sadi okay. He then left and proceeded to call me and tell me that I made the mistakes in the beginningt of the marriage and that's why we are where we are. I told him that I was not going to argue about it anymore. I told him that I have tried to make things right for the past 10 months and he has just done what he wanted to do. Making no attemp to save his family/marriage.

I was not going to do it anymore. I told him that he proved that he was doing what he wanted to do ,but I was not going to be married to a man living a double life - our kids deserved better than that and so did I!!

He kept calling - of course it was all my fault none of this was any of his doing. I did tell him if it made him feel better to blame me then he could go ahead and do it. I thought that I would be upset and yelling and screaming as I would normally; I was as calm as a cucumber. I think that means that I have finally had it. I can walk away knowing that I have done my best at saving this marriage.

I also know that I must go through with this because if I don't he will continue to run over this family. I feel bad for the kids all of them including my stepson. He does not have a stable home other than mine and it is a sham e his dad messed that up for him.

He also said that he was angry because I told him I wanted no contact with OC, well that's the way the cookie crumbles - I am not bending on that!!

He obviously is not the H for me because I am not going to be faced with his indiscretion for the rest of my life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But girls I feel good and empowered and at peace with this whole ordeal. So I know that GOD is working in my favor. Whatever the outcome maybe I will SURVIVE!!

H also told me that he was going to pick up the kids from school today - I know he was waiting for me to get angry, but I said okay that will save me a trip - He was quiet, held the phone. I sadi good night and got off the phone.

He continued to call me to tell me he loved me , but this was my fault - So I told him I was not going to argue any more tonight and hung up the phone - still calm I might add. I then took the phone off the hook.

Aren't you all proud of me - I have come a long Way!!

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi JT,

You rock. He was still trying to manipulate you with his mixed messages but you got through it. He is so angry you finally knocked him off the fence. Way to go JT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

JT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ... I think that means that I have finally had it. I can walk away knowing that I have done my best at saving this marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You go girl! !!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know this was extremely hard for you but you did all you could, my H likes to play the blame game too & of course ALL this is my fault, if only I had of... etc. etc. etc. I am sick to death of hearing it & I know you are too.

Yes I think too the fact that you spoke with him in such a calm manner can only mean you are done & have no doubt that you are doing the right thing. The fact that he loves you so much & continues to live w/ OW & wants to have contact w/ OW knowing you are totally against it says it all doesn't it?

I am sorry, I was praying that your M would be saved but you can't do it alone. It takes two.
I am in the same boat & things aren't looking good.

If you are at peace with your decision then you are on your way to recovery for yourself & your kids. D won't solve all your problems, but it will take away the pain & hurt of trying to make your M work with someone who is unwilling to meet you half way.

I am very proud of you, wish I had the guts to do what you are doing now 2 yrs. ago. I'd be a lot better off.

Keeping you in prayer, more now than ever!

Love ya!

YOU ARE THE MOST AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO glad you've found peace! Love, LOVE to you!

- Kimmy

Way to go!!!!

I'm so glad you were finally able to take that step. Don't let his little mind games bring you down. What is it with these men, throwing the guilt to try and get what they want.

I second that, YOU ROCK! Way to go, I am SO PROUD of you.

Now, if only my H would leave. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> so I can file and not have to move.

Good for you JT2--if it is meant to be something drastic will happen with your H's behaviour otherwise I see you on the road to recovery. MEn can't figure out that the two lives can't blend together--they would like to think it could but choices have to be made and you made yours for you and your kids.

Breaking up home--think he did that along time ago as you said--always feel better if you can pass the blame.

why is that? why is it never their fault? I have been waiting on the side lines for 10 months now and he has had a take it or leave it attitude. He even told me the other day if I didn't like then I could just leave no he said D me. When I said okay he did not think it was real. Plus he just told me that I am just mad because I am not in control!

Well I in control I am in control of me now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I will not be a doormat any longer. He has taken this family's patience and understanding to lightly. I am not a PUNK!!

I feel so Good it is unreal. He will have to make some supreme changes in his life, but I don't think he really knows how - so we are probably lost to him forever. But fortunately I am okay with that if that is the way it should be.

Thanks girls keep my spirit lifted!!!

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JT. I Agree YOU ROCK! Thats because you are standing on the rock! You will not sink in the sand! You can't look who you have on your side! I'm so glad you are filled w/ peace and I feel the pain for your children. But they need their father to be a H and a dad, to be there and not to be spending his time w/ someone else behind your back. They all want to blame us for the thoubles in our M, but we did not give up on them and start another behind their backs. I will keep praying that he will find somewhere in his soul to ask for forgiveness and wake up to the pain he caused. I'm glad you have your plans in order and we are here for you !
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

J2-- I AM SOOOOOOOO SOOOOOO VERY PROUD OF YOU!!
It takes so much guts and loss of fear to file for D! I hope and pray this is not something you are doing only to shock H... I hope you are doing this so you can START A NEW LIFE for you and the kids! And if he follows and changes then wonderful, but if he doesn't and the filing didn't work.. I pray your strength STANDS!

I remember reading stories like yours or many others who left and filed for D.. and moved on and were happy! I was SO jealous of their courage and their stength to put an end to the hanging on.. and to the DRAMA..

J2-- THATS YOU NOW! YOU DA WOMAN!

G123,

No I am not doing this for Shock value - Been there done that. H thinks I am for sure, but I am going through with this. I have to I have prayed to the Lord that if it is meant to be let it be, but if not let me go in peace. All I pray is that his will be done not my will. If this is not the man I am to be with then I ask that he send him to me. I am not going to search for him but wait on him. I prayed that he continued to work on me and my faults.

My H made the comment that when I cancel the D then he'll be ready to talk. Well the ink will be dry on the D by the time that comes. He had his chance and that time is gone. I have to prove this to myself that I want better for me and my kids. It is a MUST at this point!!! There is no other choice!!

If I ever backed out of this now my life with him would never change it would only get worse, because he will think that I love him so much that I will accept him any way. I will not acceprt a cheating H nor a second family. I will not be second to anyone.

JT

J2

JT I think you will have to go through with it but who knows what will happen with your H after that.

I'm just saying it may take a D to wake him up and I mean a full D--but it is up to you if he came back after that and personally I don't blame you for just moving on no matter what H does.

Congratulations on your strength. Also, you may find there is great joy in the freedom of rebuilding one's own life! Things that can seem scary and upsetting at fist can end up being exhillarating.

And BTW, Hs having the kahunas to blame YOU just shows that he is definately NOT in a spiritual place to be worthy of you.

I will admit MATB said that rebuilding could be a great experince and probably exciting and I often sway to the side of being done because it would be exciting and an adventure for me--I will say that I'm stronger than I was because A D doe not scare me but I still don't want it.

SO JT2--go on a wonderful adventure and have an excellent time rebuilding something great--it may give you the greatest pleasure you ever know--I stand by you 100% and can only pray that one day you H or exH figures it out.

Thank you for your support - ALL OF YOU!!

I will need it in the months to come. I am not going to move over to the divorcing board because I will miss you all so much so please continue to be encouraged and remember that we need each other during this time of struggle = SISTERS BY FIRE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT

Thank you, ALL OF YOU!!

Remember SISTERS BY FIRE!!!

JT

PS - Something wacky is going on with my computer, but Remember he only knows that I filed the [censored] will hit the fan - when he reads the divorce decree. I put her name and the fact that she is pregnant in it for future refences.

If my children ever ask me all they have to do is read it - He'll never be able to lie about it!!

<small>[ August 11, 2004, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

I agree with the others, You Rock. You have taken a big step by filing, but you are now acting instead of reacting. You have taken control and that is something he can't stand. The selfishness is what makes them believe it is all your fault. They can't stand the thought that they might have done something to cause this. The blame game is what they play best. You are refusing to be baited and I think it is great. Your kids will make it fine, they have a strong mother who is leading the way for them and they will follow your lead. Again, I applaud you effort in trying to make the marriage work out, but also for recognizing when you needed to get out with your soul and sanity intact. God Bless You.

J2, I am so sorry for the hard part of this- letting go for good. It will pass, sooner than you can ever imagine right now... IT WILL! It is amazing once we do the hardest part of saying farwell.... and resolve to move on... how quickly our lives begin to shape up!!

You have so much to keep you busy with the kids- let them be your strength! Get involved with everything you can, it is a huge help.

When the kids are with a family member or w/H or whatever, pick out a brilliant cheery color and start a painting project! I painted 3 rooms in my house when I made H leave after dday-- this consummed me those first few weekends and took my mind off of things. Find something quick!

You are wonderful for doing this for you and your children.... God will bless you, just wait!

About it being your fault.. well we've all heard how we didn't do a-b and c and thats why he had to look elsewhere (as IF they were our DREAM mates... UGH).. anyway

You DID take responsiblity for any part that you may have had in the breakdown of your M (not the A)... and you STAYED with him and tried to work it out-- that WAS you being willing.. right?

The HECK you have been going thru is more than enough in being there to try to fix anything that you may have done to contribute to the breadown of the M... it is unbelievable how you are still to blame.. bla bla bla...