Hi everyone! I'm feeling kinda sexy and like a power career women today--have new outfit--black skirt pink edge and black jakcet with pink edge.

On the inside though I'm unsure. H usually doesn't call while it his parents except to let me know he arrived. He called again last night and I talked to our son and then to H for a minute and said I love you and he I know and he didn't get all weird and crabby and wasn't strange sounding.

I miss him and hope it is worth something that he had stayed at our house after his night shifts on the weekend. Miss them both terribly. Love them both terribly and don't know if I will ever recover or find someone else to complete me if I loss my H.

They will be back this evening--sure H will go to his apt. tonight--oh well I guess.

I will say that I have learned a lot and foung out more about who I was this past year than I ever would have and so I guess I don't necessarily see all that has happened as horrible but as an experience to learn and grow from.

Not sure that it is the one I would have picked to learn and grow from but don't think that was up to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Can only hope that god has something great instore for me and that this is all part of some master plan of my life and will all work out and hopefully work out building a better M with my H.

Really want a two-parent family under one roof--was a dream of mine always and I valued having that when so many of my friends did not.

H this called to say that he is on his way home and will be here around 6pm or so.

He sounded great over the phone but who knows maybe he will never be allowed to see the light and maybe all my love for him won't change the situation but I like to think that it will.

I'm trying to decide if I should make some dinner or not for all of us or just not.

Oh AD gotta good update! Hopefully you will be on the board again tonight.

So where to start--well don't get too excited H isn't moving home or anything but still good update I think.

First, I got the pleasure of seeing "girl" friend again today quite up close and personal for about half-hour. She didn't even have the nerve to look at me let alone look me in the eye. Had power outfit on today also--another new outfit--knew there was a reason I wore it today. I was training with prod. secretary today up in the mill itself and this girl has been working on special projects for about 3months and so she was in the main area of that office going over stuff with a superintendant and was only about 10 feet from me--what a turd couldn't even look at me. I just went about my business and laugh and chatted with people and made sure to visit with evryone.

Another good thing--H came over and dropped off our son and he there maybe 20 min. and said he was going. I said okay and just went about my business acted nonchalant. HE said well I'm going now and I didn't even look up and said okay. HE said what is wrong with you--are you grouchy (obviously if I ignore him I'm grouchy) and I said no and he said okay bye--I said okay--gets better he turns around one last time and says I don't understand and I said understand what and he says well you aren't being all clingy--not hug--or anything--I said AH--I have no reason or need to be.

HE left. Called less then 10 min. later about something stupid, then he called again about 5 minutes later about something stupid again. Each time I didn't have much to say and kept saying okay talk to later bye and he kept saying but I'm not done yet.

20 more min. go by and he calls me while I'm pulling inot my mom's drive and I listen again about not important to me and say hey I need to go--he says why do you keep rushing off tonight and I said I don't have anything else to say and I'm at my mom's.

Better yet--calls this morning and apologizes for running off last night to go home and do his laundry and go to sleep to get up early.

I'm liking it--doesn't know what to do.

Whatda think about that AD? OR anyone else reading this.

I think that's fantabulous news! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You've done a 180, and he's wondering what's up with that. Now he's the one doing the chasing. I love it!

Keep up the good work...see how effective it was when you said, "oh ok, bye, gotta go, see ya, etc. etc..."? You weren't mean and snotty about it, but you also weren't clingy.

He's not getting the responses he's used to getting. He didn't like you being clingy, but now I think he's beginning to worry about why you're not.

A little grouchy this morning.

H called right after he got off work and asked to come by after his meeting--I said fine.

He called at 10:15pm and was still 45 minutes from our house and said he didn't think he would stop and I said fine really isn't any reasons for you to and then He said call you tomorrow and see about coming by tomorrow night and i said doesn't seem like you really need to since you are coming over Sat. to do stuff. He got kinda pissy about that and then he said what is wrong with you--you seem all grouchy and I said not and he why is it the poor me act and I said why do you think that.

He said because of the way you are acting--don't want to talk, don't seem interested, and your comments about no need to come over. I said you know it doesn't matter how I act you always find a problem with it and you assume I'm taking the poor me stance just becasue I don't see a need for you to stop by.

Either I'm to clingy or I'm poor me because I don't encourage him to come over and so I'm feeling sorry for myself--not! No matter how how I act he doesn't like it--he tried to make conversation last night and I didn't have anythign to say--maybe it just frustrated him because usually I listen attentively etc.

Damned if you do Damned if you don't is how I feel.

They don't realize that this sweet understanding woman they M could get tired of the crap-ola and turn away. You are surpose to "wait" until he's ready, willing and able to commit! BBUUULLLLL! Oh and then we are in a "bad mood" ok thats a brain dead. You just want to smack them up side the head a say, listen, if you where the man you needed to be and then I could be the woman I need to be! Instead of the rollor coaster ride we are on. And just think men and women where perfect until Eve ate that apple! LOL Didn't really last that long did it? I hope you MAKE yourself have a good weekend. I will be on and off the computer this weekend. In town <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> No love shack, just the camper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ((((Hugs to you))))) And do like I do pray that god will give him some cence to figure this crap out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I realized I'm a bit down because I'm cleaning our son's room--putting away too small clothes----AND putting up the rest of the baby wash clothes, burp rags, receiving blankets, and cleaning out of the kitchen all the bottles.

Okay that is hard because I had hoped to be pregnant with our second child by now and that is just not looking to be in my future to ever have any more kids and I really wanted a baby girl too--so I realized that this is really getting to me--stupid I guess but I will be 29 in November and I had wanted another child so I think I'm bummed--but glad I'm not with the way things are--just really sad--that time of month, whole other female issue and now this.

We already had names picked out for a girl--just depressing and now I may never get to use them.

<small>[ August 20, 2004, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: albany ]</small>

Never say never! You don't know what God has in store for you ! Just like me w/ the diapers and being 40! NEVER SAY NEVER! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> All you can do is for you and B. Going to have to find out how far you are my D wants to ride those horses. She said S wuz cute too! Man today has been sooo long and slow! I want to go home! What r your plans for the weekend?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I told H about being sad about baby thing--he had nothing to say--oh well. He looked a bit at a loss for words actually. He was around part of Sat.--called on his way to work Sat. night. He came over Sun. morning after he got off work and slept till about 10 and then went to his apt. to do laundry--didn't expect to see him back--but he came back in the afternoon and took a nap and went to work. Things seem somewhat better--can't really describe it.

Yes, H arrived this morning after night shift and was in bed after I got out of the shower. He was really tired--I gave him a kiss and he seemd disinterested but I thin it was because he was half asleep. He had stuff to do later today--don't know if I will see him tonight. He is off until Friday now--we will see.

Baby steps--he still seems like he is unsure of us and you can tell that he having trouble with how he doesn't feel or does feel and he doesn't know if it is right--remember he cares and loves me but doesn't have those "in love" feelings.

Anyway gotta run--let me know what you all think.

Hi Albany,

I hope your husband will realize what he has and commit more fully to work at falling back in love with you. Will he read the Harley books with you? Are you getting counseling? I feel for your pain. We really deserve to have somebody who is in love with us. A big thing that has hurt me lately with my husband is that he was so flirty with my 19 year old daughter that people assumed they were a couple. Urrrggghhh!!! I think when two people are a couple they should be so much in love that there should be no doubt about who the couple is. I hope your husband and you can rekindle your flame.

al~

Try not to be too sad about the baby thing. You are seeing things as they are right now. You're seeing one float in the parade, not the whole parade, ya know? You don't know what good things are in store for you. Can you imagine being P right now, on top of everything else? al, you are so young, believe me!!! You may very well get that little girl of your dreams. Don't give up on that yet!

I don't know what else to say about your H, that I haven't already said. I do know though, you can't/shouldn't live in this limbo forever. I still honestly believe the best way to go is Plan B, but I've said that a hundred times too.

I hope you're doing ok today.

Thinking of you,

~ad

AD~I'm doing good now--don't get me wrong I don't watn to be pregnant right now. Sometimes it is hard to see the big picture--I'm only seeing a piece of it right now and I know that.

When H goes/leaves I don't run after him etc. and I think that miffs him--I think he honestly wants to be here but you know there is a lot to work through etc. Yes, the roller coaster will eventually have to stop--bad thing is I don't have good way to do PB because I need his help with the house payment. I have just been ignoring him--haven't called him except to return is call--no reason to.

He has taken some baby steps.

Albany,

I feel bad for you. Is there any changes you could make in your life to be more independent financially. I work two jobs and yes it drains me but I do not need my husband financially. It feels good and yes sometimes I would like to slow down. Could look into additional schooling to make more money than you are making now so that you can become indepedent. As long as us women are dependent on the man for financial support will they not control us somehow.

Genia ~ we make equal money almost right now--I already have a B.S. in Economics--and with H working 4 on 4 off 12 hr shifts we are at the max with daycare.

I have put all this in gods hands and I have faith that it will work out. I'm fine! It is just that it takes my whole check to pay mortgage basically.

Hi Albany,

I am so sorry. You are better educated than me. You must have a high mortgage. My mortgage is 1/2 my income from my main job. I do not have daycare costs except afterschool. I am so sorry. I know it is hard. I do not know what to say except I hope your husband wakes up.

al~

You ain't gonna like this.

The house payment is an excuse. It's an excuse that can be remedied, if you so desire.

A chance at a reconciled M or house payment?

IMHO, if you are spending your entire check on mortgage, you are way over your head anyway, and it is one more stressor you need to rid yourself of.

Your parents own the house? Can you work things out with them for awhile? Is it possible for your parents to seek payment from your H? Sell the house? Something?

There has to be a way you can work this out...if you want to.

~ad

AD

my check is a little more than house payment--also my daycare comes out of my check so it isn't as bad as it seems and house makes more than me by a couple hundred a check so we have been fine always.

Maybe the house is an excuse--I would sell it if we go our sep. ways. He is doing better and taking baby steps still. He is at home today with our son on his day off and getting stuff for the house--new rack for fireplace-wanted to build a fire--bringing home firewood from work still. During his visit to his parents he did not mention gettting a D.

Told me our sons room looked great--oh yeah--we have no vehicle payments--just house and utilities and small visa payment each month.

He was great this morning--he also buys and fixs up low dollar vehicles and resells them--makes good additional cash this way.

I'm doing great--had a goodnight and it felt good to get my son's room done. I'm going forward--may paint the room I want to in the house yet.

Albany,

You sound like I did. I need H to cover all of our bills too, but it was not helping my situation. I know that your H is not with OW, but he is still not making any real comittment to his family. How long are you going to let him continue? Don't get me wrong I am not suggesting anything I just know how it is to see some steps and think bigger ones will follow. Most of the time they don't until you decide to make a big move.

H has had ample amount of time in my opinion to reach out solidly to his wife and kids. Limbo is not meant to last forever!

I am praying for you and wishing you the best the world has to give.

praying for you,

JT