I called the court system to see if anything can be done to protect husband's rights. As if he wants his rights protected? They gave me a number for legal aide. I called. Interesting conversation. I said I was calling to find out if they had free help to protect husband's rights concerning visitation with the baby. She asked if it were my baby. I said no. Then she acted like I was the OW. She said husband could have visitation with the baby but why would mother want OW (meaning Me) to have visitation with her baby. I said I am not the other woman. She said, I mean she is the one haveing the baby so she was first wasn't she. I said no, I am married to husband and have been for three years. He had an affair and they had a baby. She said well then you will have to fight about that with your husband. Have your husband call me and I will talk to him. I call husband. I give him the number. I tell him that they will help protect his rights. He says I can get my baby anytime I want. I say how, where will you see the baby. He says I will get the baby and bring it home. I remind him of a time in the past when she called our house and threatened him that he would never see the baby. He said oh, that is because she was trying to get me to break up with you. I say, no I remember the call and it was because you stood her up. He said still, she was trying to break us up. He said that is why I took her home to get her away from us. I say, I remember you telling me she asked if you might come live with her after she has the baby. He claims He never said that. Amnesia. We argue back and forth and then he changes the subject. He wants me to buy another car.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Genia,

Really you are fishing here girl! Wake up!! You can not do this for him. If he really wanted to do this he would. He just doing what he wants to do right now. Trust me I know. But you have got to stop. You can not do this by yourself. H has to deal with this and if he really wanted to keep his M then he would do it.

He has not done a Da#$ thing has he. WAKE UP A:READY. Let him fall on his face alone. You can not solve this problem he has to if he really wants you in his life otherwise you will continue to be a doormat for him to walk all over.

WAKE UP,

JT

Hi JT,

I e-mailed everybody because I felt strong and did not expect husband to take the route he has taken. I guess sorta like your husband wanted SF with you. He has gotten real sweet with me. No SF because neither of us can have SF right now. He just saying how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me. He says he is over OW and cares for her only inasmuch as he cares for the rest of his ex's for the sake of his baby. I told him that I would like to see him develop a closer relationship with his 15 and 16 year old sons. He stated that he tries to call them but that they are so busy he never can catch up with them. I am trying to keep my head on straight. I was thinking of making a list of things I expect out of contact and give it to him. I would ask him if my expectations anything close to his plans with OW. He thought I meant for a third party to go to OW's house pick up baby and bring to him. I only meant for third party to go with him to pick up baby. My problem is that I cannot figure out who I could trust that would be willing to ride with husband 170 miles to pick up other child other than me. I am suppose to trust him with OW, yet OW hates me so much she cannot have a decent conversation with me.

Genia he ahs got to deal with OW. It is time he be a big boy for the big boy fun he had. I agree you can't do this for him--he has to do it.

You don't see me handling OW with my H and CS--It is his mess--not mine he has to figure it out.

I will listen and offer my opinion but tell him ultimately it is his deal and he knew I would stand by him and suppport him in his decision but he made the decision to move back out and so it is completely up to him and really I don't even have to give him support.

What I care if he brings home 1800 a month and pays her CS of 300-500 and CS to me for 400-500.

The way I see it is that he gonna be hating life and I will be fine. I think mine is slowly pulling his head out.

IF your H doesn't deal with OW on his own then I see no hope at this time. IT is his deal--make him be a grown up now.

Albany,

My problem is he is acting like he wants to be with me, but he is not telling me how he will handle contact. I was trying to point out that there are resources so that OW does not have all the cards. He just wants me to trust him that he will take care of everything. My fear is that him and OW would take care of everything their way and leave me out of the picture. Making that phone call was my way of saying. Hey wait a minute, you act like you want us and if you do then I need protection. I also told him that I do not feel comfortable with contact. He is not makeing me feel comfortable with contact. I do not see this as resolved. But after talking to the woman on the phone I thought maybe she would look out for the mother of the baby and the father of the baby and ignore me. I cannot understand how he thinks she is gonna just let him come get his baby anytime he wants and just bring the baby home. Maybe he is just saying what he thinks I want to hear to appease me. Yet he has a problem with bringing somebody with him to pick up the baby. Also I immagine at first no mother in their right mind would allow an infant to be carted 170 miles away to the house of their rival. Remember she hates me because husband chose to be with me.

I think you need to tell H that you need to protect yourself if he isn't doing to deal with OW/OC and then take the steps.

I told my H that we may need to do legal sep. to protect our son's CS interest if we ended up in a D--and we said do what we need to do to protect son's CS if it is who files first which it isn't in our state but I gave H some info and said now it lies in your hands and he is dealing with it. My H doesn't act like he want s to leave either for the most part but I keep referencing us being apart and keep doing things as if we won't work to protect myself.

IF your H wants it to work then it is in my opinion that he would deal with OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My problem is he is acting like he wants to be with me, but he is not telling me how he will handle contact. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXACTLY! He's squatting on the fence right now (what is it someone said - sitting on the fence so long the post is coming out of his mouth...that's your h right now)!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also I immagine at first no mother in their right mind would allow an infant to be carted 170 miles away to the house of their rival </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Um. Hello? Who's calling the shots here, you or them? It's your way or the highway bub, imo. Are you going to let this man control the shots forever? Is this healthy for YOU and your kids?

And HELLO?????? What are YOU doing calling legal aid? THAT IS HIS JOB! THAT IS A CONDITION YOU SET UP IN ORDER FOR HIM TO KEEP RESIDING WITH YOU!!! Why do you have to do the work? You're trying to make it easier on him so you won't have to kick him out (here's your 2 x 4, Genia)...I'll bet you dollar to donuts that he doesn't call, or if he does (only to appease you), he doesn't follow through with any advice from them he's given! YOU ARE ENABLING HIM TO SQUAT ON THAT FENCE EVEN LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!

Last week you were large and in charge of your life. This week, he's pouring on the honey and you're waffling! I'm calling you on it. Are you going to live like this forever or what?

All my love,
Kimmy

PS - I'm not trying to be mean, I'm worried you're backsliding into old habits that are SO TOTALLY UNHEALTHY FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS! Your kids don't need to see that this is how men and women act when they're married. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi,

I really think the contact issue is the big thing here and the reason I am thinking strongly of leaving him. If I or somebody goes with him to pickup OC then I would be OK. He says OW will be reasonable concerning contact, yet he still talks to her behind my back. He says I should trust him that he will just go and pick up OC and everything will be fine. Why can't he see where I am comeing from. I tell him about this board and about you all how you are all real people. He tells me that I am expressing the feeling of others and not my own. I tell him that these are my feelings but that other real people are going through the same thing and that they understand my feelings. He refuses to come to the board. He does not see this as real.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says I should trust him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On what grounds you should trust him? I'd like to know.......What has HE done to earn your trust? Called her behind your back? Gone up to look for her? Where should you put the trust? I don't see it...

- Kimmy

Hi Kimmy,

He lashes back at me on this and asks me why he should trust me. Yes I did have an affair while he was in prison. He uses this against me. But then I do not have contact with OM and ended contact before he got out of prison. He is like, poor me. I did not want to have a baby. It is not my fault. I wanted her to have an abortion. I never cheated on you till you did on me and I had plenty of opportunity.

Somehow I missed your 2X4. Two people posted at the same time and I was posting back before I seen it.

Thanks for keeping me straight. All the sugar is making me weak. I will get up and walk again. Yes I was enabling him. I know he needs to do the work.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

If a miracle happened and he suddenly wanted to do everything my way, then here is what I would write.

He would have to take me or person I trusted to visit with OC.

She would bring child to specified place and drop off.

She would come pick up child at specified place at end of visitation.

When child is old enough to come to our home, she could bring child to specified place and drop off. We drive child to our home. At end of weekend we bring child to specified place and she picks child up.

This to me would be an ideal solution. I would be willing to stay with WS if this were possible. Did I leave anything out?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He lashes back at me on this and asks me why he should trust me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. I know. But HE's the one that's consistantly doing untrustworthy things. I think it's quite obvious to those of us not choking on his FOG that you've bent over backwards to prove your worthiness....trouble is, his actions are not worthy of YOU!

And all those things on your list HAVE to be adhered to. It's really not that hard, in the grand scheme of difficulties of life.

- Kimmy

Hi Kimmy,

Thanks so much for your reply. It means so much to me. You have walked where I now walk.

On a lighter note you would have been proud of me this morning. We have an iron with a short in the wire. Husband twisted wires together but left wire bare. I plugged the iron in this morning and sparks flew. He proceeded to say ya'll xx@@$??%
are stupid. I said first of all, you are talking to me. So not ya'll, it is me you are talking to.
Second, I said when you call people names you are just showing that you have low self esteem. He laughed. He thought that was funny. I wonder if he will ever figure it out. I said, I bet you can't go through a day without putting somebody down to make yourself feel better. Boy that felt good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Boy that felt good.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll bet! Keep it up! BTW: Have you decided your timeframe for events leading up to his possible eviction?

I had a timeframe I thought <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , but now well. I will know when it is time. Since he acts like he wants to stay with me. Well I am gonna make him earn his stripes. I just told him I am gonna read the infidelity stuff to him. If he baulks, then well I guess he really doesn't wanna stay now does he. When I e-mailed everybody on yahoo with my situation. One person replied. She was on vacation and could not get on the board but read her e-mail. She gave me the best advise. She said is your husband going to marriage counseling or reading through the MB books. So that set me thinking. We can't afford counseling but at least he can read. I wanna read it to him so he can't say I read it, when he didn't.
So I don't have a timeframe. Just an agenda, or plan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />