I promised that I would try to share with you what I learned from OWs. You misunderstood my original post.

What I've learned from OWs is simple. I have learned that some men can separate themselves into two completely different people. They can tell the most incredible lies (my W and I don't even have sex anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), lead a person on with promises (when the kids are older I intend to divorce her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), and literally destroy other people's lives for some selfish motive or physical pleasure.

This is a revelation because it is not something that just happened and can never happen again, it is a strange quirk in their nature that allows them to compartmentalize in a way most women cannot.

It has been helpful for me to understand this and to stop living in the land of Oz where I used to live when my H was having the A.

I have also learned that the ex-OW is experiencing the same anger, bitterness, and feelings of betrayal that I am experiencing. This has helped me to deal with her sporadic ravings and snide remarks. It helps me ignore her outbursts because I can afford to be the bigger person -- I have an intact and improved marriage. She has a child to raise on her own. I would say she didn't get a great deal either.

I learned how difficult it is for the ex-OW to raise her child with the man she loved but who ran away and his W. When someone breaks off a relationship, usually time passes and the one left behind heals. I can empathize that it is difficult for her to heal when the man who left her is constantly in and out of her life (with his wife) because of the child.

It especially helped me to hear that most OW have no interest in getting back together with the MM -- even if he makes advances again. That was one of the factors that gave me the courage to put complete trust in my H again.

You can jump on me and say, she should have stopped the relationship when she found out he was married. In a perfect world that sounds right. But the truth is, feelings, especially love, has a habit of making you do some stupid things -- things you know you shouldn't do.

I like to hear what OWs have to say because I want some balance in my situation and I want peace for myself. I've moved past anger and just want to find a comfort zone where we can all cooperate and do what is best for all of us and our children. I don't want to spend years of my life name-calling and hating another woman whose only crime was to believe a liar.

This is only my feeling. I am not asking anyone to change their views. I am only trying to say that there are many ways of handling the situation. This is how I handled it and it worked for me.

I hope this answers your question. And, I forgot,
thanks for the welcome to MB! Don't know how long I will stay. Lurking is a lot safer -- no one attacks you! I have watched some posters I respected and who helped me through my crisis run off the board because they did not think like the majority.

Dear happy

You seem a little sensitive, so I hope I can say exactly what I mean and not have to worry about your feelings, simply because I question or disagree with you ... OK?

I promised that I would try to share with you what I learned from OWs. You misunderstood my original post.

The part I am most interest in is this... you said on the other thread:

"I got enormous insight into what went wrong with my marriage by hearing what OWs have to say."

So, I am waiting to hear what OW taught you about marriage problems in general , and your individual marriage problems in particular.

What I've learned from OWs is simple. I have learned that some men can separate themselves into two completely different people. They can tell the most incredible lies (my W and I don't even have sex anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), lead a person on with promises (when the kids are older I intend to divorce her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), and literally destroy other people's lives for some selfish motive or physical pleasure.

So, are you saying that OWs taught you this fact about your H? Your OW taught you that adulterors lie to everyone?


This is a revelation because it is not something that just happened and can never happen again, it is a strange quirk in their nature that allows them to compartmentalize in a way most women cannot.

I whole-heartedly disagree. I have posted to many, many WW on GQII who compartmentalize quite easily. *Sarie* comes to mind. She's got a PhD in compartmentalization. 2Longs WW is another, although I have not posted to her, only to her BH.. Both these married women have managed 12 year affairs, doing so without a measurable amount of guilt I might add.


It has been helpful for me to understand this and to stop living in the land of Oz where I used to live when my H was having the A.

What land of OZ do you speak?

This is not clear to me. I suspect you mean you led your life without pre-knowledge of the very nature of affairs and how they can occur in even good marriages...?? But, you'll have to explain what you mean by OZ a little clearer, please.

I have also learned that the ex-OW is experiencing the same anger, bitterness, and feelings of betrayal that I am experiencing.

And I am wondering what this has to do with your marriage? What went wrong with your marriage ---> OW had feelings of betrayal too. I just don't get the connection between her feelings and your marriage problems.


This has helped me to deal with her sporadic ravings and snide remarks. It helps me ignore her outbursts because I can afford to be the bigger person -- I have an intact and improved marriage. She has a child to raise on her own. I would say she didn't get a great deal either.

Her feeling helped you understand HER, as a human being. THAT part I understand. But how does OW help you understand your marriage?

I learned how difficult it is for the ex-OW to raise her child with the man she loved but who ran away and his W.

OK ... and this applies to the workings of your marriage in what way?

When someone breaks off a relationship, usually time passes and the one left behind heals. I can empathize that it is difficult for her to heal when the man who left her is constantly in and out of her life (with his wife) because of the child.

Again, agreed. Now, so what? I don't see what this has to do with you understanding your marriage?


It especially helped me to hear that most OW have no interest in getting back together with the MM -- even if he makes advances again. That was one of the factors that gave me the courage to put complete trust in my H again.

So, you made your decision to return trust to your marriage (in part) based on what (most) OW say and do and not on what your H said and did?

I doubt that is what happened .... but if you want to trust your H because OW doesn't want him anymore, that's your business..

You can jump on me and say, she should have stopped the relationship when she found out he was married. In a perfect world that sounds right. But the truth is, feelings, especially love, has a habit of making you do some stupid things -- things you know you shouldn't do.

Really, is the "jump on me" comment really necessary? if I disagree with you is this "jumping" on you? How has this OW mind-set helped you understand "what went wrong in my marriage"? So far... I do not get the connection.



I like to hear what OWs have to say because I want some balance in my situation and I want peace for myself.

What OWs say brings you peace? Is this what you base the structure of rebuilding your marriage upon? What OW say is your recovery foundation ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I've moved past anger and just want to find a comfort zone where we can all cooperate and do what is best for all of us and our children. I don't want to spend years of my life name-calling and hating another woman whose only crime was to believe a liar.

Who wants a life of embitterment and strife? not you, not I.

"Whose only crime was to believe a liar" .... really? Are you sure? How can you tell?


This is only my feeling.

All your feelings are valid. Every single feeling you have is valid.

I am interested in things other than your feelings. I am far more interested in your values. and what principles you used to rebuild your marriage. Did knowledge of those things come from OW?


I am not asking anyone to change their views. I am only trying to say that there are many ways of handling the situation. This is how I handled it and it worked for me.

I understand what you said so far .... you show how you dealt with the aftermath of the affair, how you survived, how you began to thrive... your steps.

But I have not seen where talking to OWs has given you insight into "what went wrong with my marriage" ....

What DID go wrong with your marriage?

I hope this answers your question. And, I forgot,
thanks for the welcome to MB!

You are so cute. And you express your feelings really well..... I wish you'd post about the values and marriage principles you learned from OW.

and .... you picked out such a terrific name! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't know how long I will stay. Lurking is a lot safer -- no one attacks you!

Well, if your first post had not been so critical of others, you'd have gotten a different reception. But no matter.

I have watched some posters I respected and who helped me through my crisis run off the board because they did not think like the majority.

"The majority" .... well don't know what you mean here..

But, so far, I see no marriage insights OW have taught you about what went wrong with YOUR marriage.

If I wanted to ask someone about how to fly an airplane, I think I would ask someone with a pilot's license! Talking to OW about recovery of a marriage is like taking driving lessons from someone who has crashed their own car to smithereens! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> A lesson in what NOT to do. is this perhaps what you mean?

Pep

So....

I used to post on a different board. Redbook. Before that it was called Women's Village. "All side of affairs" A free-for-all with men and women from all sides. OP, BS, and adults whose parent had an affair, adults whose child had an affair. It was a wild and wooly board! That's for sure.

I did learn much about affairs. I learned all points of view. Some of it was disgusting. But some of it was enlightening.

I learned that OP cannot know what is wrong with a marriage of which they are not a partner. They are outsiders who lack the intimate details of a relationship between two people.

I do not think much about OP's level of relationship skills overall . I think OP have a lot to learn about relationships in general. If a person has a history of being an OP for years and years ... it's a sad and sorry way to live.

I suspect you mis-spoke when you said OW helped you learn what was wrong with your marriage. I suspect you learned about the nature of affairs talking to OP, but not much about marriage. UNLESS OP is an XOP and has learned what marriage means by being in one his/her self.

Sooooooooo...... what was "wrong" with your marriage?

I know what was wrong with mine. I learned that with MC, and church counseling, and long hard honest discussions with Mr. Pep. I did not learn what was wrong with my marriage by discussing it with OP. They are not qualified as far as I am concerned.

But, I could be wrong. I welcome your opinions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


Pep

Happy...

I have also learned that the ex-OW is experiencing the same anger, bitterness, and feelings of betrayal that I am experiencing. This has helped me to deal with her sporadic ravings and snide remarks. It helps me ignore her outbursts because I can afford to be the bigger person -- I have an intact and improved marriage. She has a child to raise on her own. I would say she didn't get a great deal either.

This statement blew my mind. Honestly... this OW had no business being in this position in the first place. She didn't get a "great deal either" because thats the bloody deal she made! You act as though she's is just as much a victim as you are??? PLEASE.. She..IMO has NO business playing victim...

I had to say that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Good Night.

Wizard:

Happy didn't mention "victim" anywhere. I bet she doesn't consider herself a victim (or the OW). But in her situation, her statement makes complete sense---she has her marriage intact (better), and has a happy life. The OW doesn't---she didn't get her "man" and she has a baby to raise by herself. If you take a step back from the situation---you can see where an OW's bitterness comes from. Is that bitterness "justified" in God's eye? Of course not. It's merely a reaction from the human condition that she put herself in.

When you can have compassion for other people (even though they don't "deserve" it), you'll find a lot of life's trials are easier to deal with.

Wow K, you are insightfull too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That was very well said.