Hello again everyone,
Just wondering everyone's opinion on the topic of meeting the OW. My counseler says I should because she will be a part of our lives for the rest of our lives because of the OC. I'm certainly not interested in meeting her and just the thought of meeting her makes me sick to my stomach. That plus, I'll have a face to go with the images I still sometimes have in my head of my H w/ another woman. Just wondering if there are actually any benefits from actually meeting her. She doesn't know H and I were still supposed to be "working on our M" when they had their couple week fling (he had moved out-going through depression and early mid-life crisis) so it makes my situation different in her eyes since she thought he and I were actually seperated at the time. We do not plan on telling her either because crap might hit the fan and she decide to take us to court if she found out. She's being very cooperative so far. Look forward to hearing responses because I'm up in the air about it. Thanks,
Suzy

Take you for court for working on your marriage? She cant.

If you are talking about court in regards to the oc, she will anyway. Trust me. If she doesn't at first, it is usually cause they use the threat of court to control your husband, and therfore you.

There are a few must do's here.

1. No reason to contact or meet her at all until paternity is established. Especially if the thought of it makes you ill.

2. It is my opinon that this needs to be handled legally from the get go. Child support is a given, if the child is his. Do it legally and there will be no surprises later. You do NOT want to have a handshake deal, and then have her turn around and run to the courts, leaving you wiht back child support. Knowledge is power, and by having all things done legally, you are in power of your own lives.

3. Take time to heal your marriage and then see what, you as a couple want to do about the oc, if it is even his. This has to be what you BOTH want. Do not shy from what you need, or want. Or it will be a fake healing and will implode later. Be open and honest with each other, or what is the point of staying married.

4. Remember, this is YOUR MARRIAGE. Not ow/oc lives. The decisions you make are what is best for YOU and YOUR marriage. You do not need to consider them at all.

Suzy I agree w/ Lynn. Since it was just a couple of weeks fling thing, how many more has she has since? I would wait. Sounds like you want the OC to be a part of your lives and when the time comes all your ducks can get in a row. But until then, work on your M and enjoy your H! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> As far as you should be concerned with is that. I know you have the want to know what she looks like, what kind of person she is, well forget it and just be happy w/ your m !
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I am not sure myelf Ihave not met OW yet but its only been 2 months. I want to meet her but part of me is scared to meet her. I know i have to deal with her due to OC, especially if I want my marriage to work, its jsut so hard though.I keep asking myself am i strong enough for this? I can handle this? soemtimes I say no and sometimes I ffel like I am on top of the world.

All i can say is when the time is right for you that is when you should do it. Until then No, and we will all keep praying for you.

Lonely, I am concerned here. You state
"...I know I have to deal with her due to oc, especially if I want my marriage to work..."

Ah, why? Is that a condition your husband has put on you? Is it what YOU want? If your are forced to deal with something that YOU don't want, it can come back later with huge repercussions. Do you WANT to have the oc in YOUR life? Or are you doing it cause he is TELLING you to? There is a difference between a thoughtfull, talked about, worked on TEAM plan on how to deal with this. Nobody gets to force the other. Just as a wife doesn't say "me or oc" nor can he force you to deal with oc.

Read this site, all of it. It really puts the whole thing into perspective.

The birth of the oc is not the life ending event you may think it is. The important thing in your life is what you two decide to do. If he wants contact and you dont, you have a problem. That needs to be dealt with. You go from there.

Personally, I advocate no contact. Let the ow raise the oc. End all the drama now. No sense in letting this mistake drag on for years. I think it is confusing to to the oc to be bounced around, afterall, it is not like the child is from a marriage and knew the father. Let the oc grow up in the ow environment and everybody move on.

SuzzyQ,

I agree with Lynn & Sunny. There is plenty of time to meet OW. Especially since you sound like you really don't want to right now.

When is she due?

Right now focus on your H & your M & how you two plan to incorporate OC in your lives. You are still trying to deal w/ the A & OW being pg., that is enough in itself along with getting back on track w/ hubby.

Work on your M, get all your legal ducks in a row concerning OW & OC, then meet OW - when YOU are ready.

Prayers to you!

Lynn,

thank you. And H wants contact with OC. I want to see and meet OC but have not been allowed to. OW will not let H take OC. Also OW says I cannot see OC until she cAn talk. Poor thing thinks I am ging to do something to hurt this child (or its just her consious getting to her) and I feel bad. I feel like I am not trusted arounf this little girl. I guess what OW does not realize is that she has to learn to deal with ME the rest of her life becuase I AM THE WIFE!!!! But sometimes I just have my up & down days.

Looks like OW is trying to call all of the shots here. It is not fair, and should not be tolerated. Your H has to put his foot down with OW and tell her that yes, he is MM, and with him comes you...there is no separation. If he shows her otherwise, OW will continue to think she has the upper hand in everything. If she does not agree, then H will have to tell OW, he will not be able to be a part of OC's life(doesn't have to mean it...it is just a threat). I guarantee you she will straighten up then because that is the whole point of this drama...having OC equals having MM around for keeps...in the mind of OW. It is sad an unfortunate that when OW play these games they fail to realize the most important thing is no longer her needs, but the needs of the child. They use these children like they are pawns...its ashame. Stay strong, and talk to your husband about how you feel...hopefully he will listen, and see logically.