What are the emotional stages the BW goes through when her WH has OC w/OW? I know a lot of you are going through this w/WH as the woman is pregnant. However, in my case, I didn't know any of this until the baby was already born.

I've gone through the anger and depression - toddling back and forth. How long does it take to get to the day where you don't think about the OW/OC? We have NC with them, so you'd think this would be easier for me but it's not.

Some people have a play by play of their spouse's affair in their own mind. For me, it's not the affair but rather the conversation where my husband told me, "back in October, when we were home xxx and I slept together.... and she got pregnant.... and she had the baby two weeks ago.) I remember throwing the phone against the wall and screaming and nothing else. Each and every day I have this play by play my heart races like it's going to explode, I get very hot and my body tenses up. It's odd - but none the less I want it to go away. How can I do this?

I need help learning what stages emotional I'm going through so I can see if I'm getting better or not... what to expect next... all of this. Please - any advice would help!

Honey, its hard I am in the same spot except i found out when OW called me and told me,oh yea and OC was 6 months old.

H wants to have C with C, so i feel like that is a little harder on me. I felt angry, depressed and lately I have been more depressed. I try not to think aboout the A but sometimes Icant help just the thought that my H slep with another W and got her PG upsets me. What upsets me sometimes even more we have 3 children and they are all boys (h has talked about how WE both want a girl) well guess what OC is a GIRL. That hurt me more THAN ANYTHING. I felt like something had been taken away from me. i pray to god everyday to give me strength to help me move on. I want to work my marriage out this OW and OC has just got me so F'd up iin the head. I am sorry I could not be much more use. I just keep telling myself that he is MY H and H will be with ME and NOT YOU(meaning OW) HE LOVES ME. I know he does. You just have to remind yoru self that you will hav GOOD DAYS and BAD DAYS <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> but you can make it though this with GOD'S help.

My dear, my heart goes out to you. I welcome you here but I am sorry you are here.

Your reaction is totally normal. For me, I knew of the A three years before she got preg. We had been back and forth in our M during those 3 year and were sep. when she got preg. My initial reaction to finding out about the A was similar to yours. My reaction to the OW being preg. was like "oh, well we will get past this too." I think I was numb from all the years prior and it did not surprise me.

Like they say, time heals all wounds. You will get better and the anxiety or sadness you feel will slowly subside. If you H asks for you to forgive and wants to stay married to you, you will struggle with gaining trust. You may find yourself snooping, looking for clues that the A is continuing. A lot depends on how your H deals with this and how he supports you.

Read the site, get the books, it will help you. If you H will read with you that would be a great plus. He needs to understand how damaging this is to you.

Best of luck.

I totally understand what you mean and how you feel. I guess I can say that alot of what happens really depends on how the H handles the situation. Unfortunately, alot of times we as BW's are left in the dark about alot of things...even though you thought there were no secrets...is OW contacting MM separately on cellphone...(about the child...their #1 excuse?...and don't get me wrong...some OW's might be tired of the game and might really be out for what is best for the child...but the majority are just getting started with the drama...this is about OW getting her needs taken care of) Do they talk on a regular basis w/o you knowing? Does OW call MM at work? Alot of times the OW wants to shut out the BW so she can feel as if she has a "so called Family" with the MM, OC, and herself. Is your H being straightforward with you, or is deception still a part of the whole deal...H might think he is keeping BW out of harms way by not telling you everything, as to not cause more pain, but it always backfires. You would think that the lesson here was already learned...but alot of MM in this situation love to just keep playing with the fire until they burn up. They even start using the OC as an excuse for all the unneccessary contact with OW. I feel that if a MM truly wants to save his marriage his perspective at this point should be to provide CS, act as a father figure when possible with the company of his BW, and that is it. Why the extras??? He is not OW's husband, therefore, she should not have the nerve to expect more from this situation that you did not ask for to begin with. She needs to be thankful that MM even wants to be a part of OC's life because some don't even want to be bothered even though we all know it takes two to tangle. OW has to understand that the price for getting pregnant from a MM means birthdays for OC - maybe, holidays - probably not, but will maybe send a gift , alone time with OC - when convenient for his life, School Activities - when convenient for his life. OW needs to just move on with her life. She needs to understand how her & MM selfishness has created a not so fair situation for OC who is totally innocent. I don't mean to be so negative, but I am just keeping it real...your best bet is to look to God for comfort and guidance in this situation.

Gofiq, well said. I think I will print this and give it to my H !
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Thanks SunnyD! I am just trying to keep us BW's aware of the many situations that may arise...believe it or not, as I said, alot of the drama would end, if the H's would just put an end to the ridiculous behavior that occurs on behalf of the OW. He has to let her know that even though it did take two to make a baby, the final options leave a man with no choices after the dirt is done...the OW clearly has the upper hand to have the baby or not, whether MM likes it or not. Yes, lets think here for a minute, alot of times men don't use their brains when it comes to sex...no protection, etc (we won't even go into STD's and such)....but, the OW also knows that she is risking getting pregnant from an MM if she does not use birth control...she should think to protect herself as well from this ugly situation & drama occurring...but as you can see (Ok, I know I am venting now..lol) no one starts to evaluate these issues until it smacks them upside the head. Gofigure....that is why I chose this username. (smile) Anyway, the bottom line is that now since the OW & MM have changed the direction of the BW's & MM's family and home...MM should at least step up to the plate and handle how things will be, as well as what will and will not be tolerated. He owes that much to his BW to show her that he is truly sorry, and that he made a mistake, but he does still want his family, he will be a man and handle his responsibilities for the mess he has created, but he will not jeopardize losing his family ever again for no one...The OW needs to know up front that she will respect MM's BW in this situation. OW does not call the shots.

Gofig.

Thank you so much.. I needed to hear that. I think I aggree with Sunny, I need to print this out and give it to H. I think he is trying to do what HE thinks is best, but is just not the best overall. He just wants to be a father to his C i understand that, but he can NOT put OUR family at risk doing so. I guess I have to make him understand that OUR FAMILY comes first. OW does call him, to let him know whats going on with OC, i dont care for it but hey sh-- happens, i know how to deal with it (or atleast im trying). OW wants her cake and eat it too. She MY H and not have to See me but that will all change soon. as i stated before she told H he cannot bring OC around me util she can talk which is BS if you ask me. H has to stand up and take control of the situation. Also OW says she is leaving this month, yea we will see, for some reason my gut says she is not leaving. I just want to get some control and stability in my life. Sometmes I feel like im going crazy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thanks Lonely.

Word of advice. Don't say anything to him that will suggest that his obligation to his family is more important than the OC. Yes, we know it is true, but H's always have a way of twisting what we say, going on the defensive, and making us feel guilty for stating the truth. He would probably take that statement and say some things you will not want to hear, or be ready to take...like this OC is a part of me whether u like it or not...they start using the OC as a defense mechanism like it is some kinda prize...whatever.
Just say that you did not ask to be put into this situation, and that he needs to take into consideration that just like it is overwhelming for him, it is even more overwhelming for you and the family. We need to be as open, and upfront about this situation as possible. There is no more room for lies and betrayal of any sort. (Ok you can leave the last line out...) Plan, simple, and to the point...no room for critisms, no daggers to throw. (smile...yes we would love to throw some large daggers at somebody's head (i.e. H & OW ), but we won't call any names. We will behave as a mature adult should. LOL.

gofig.

Easier said than done. You are right though... dont make it seem liek we are more important than this child because this is not true any child is important. I just want OW to grow and realize that I AM GOING to be part of OC life forever. I AM THE W (not HER). Waiting unitl C can talk is BS. But truthfully i hope she does leave with this C it just would seem to make our lives so much easier.

Here is something people find kind of sad. I have told my H that I want another C by him. I would like one in the very near future. People keep telling me I need to wait, I am jsut not sure, I think I should be o.k. i just never know thhough,,, I wanted a C before this A ever happend so I just dont seee why this shoudl dtop me from having one now, What do you think HONESTLY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Lonely, do you have any children yet?
I feel you should probably wait until the smoke clears...whenever that is...you are probably feeling alot of anxiety because OW has a new baby...doesn't mean that you shouldn't want one, but I think you should wait...answer the first question, and then I can respond more intelligently to your question. Don't worry you will get thru this.

go figure

I do have 1 child of my own. I talked to my H last night again about kids and he thinks now is not a good time. He thinks the only reason I want to have another chil right now is because of OC. Which i think that is part of the truth. But I had wanted a child before i even found out about the A.

Lonely,

So you do have 1 child. I would pour all of my energy right now into showing your child all the love u have to offer. Don't worry about having a baby right now...u think your emotions are on high now, you know how we pregnant women can be...emotional rollercoasters, runaway trains....
Take this time to also love yourself, and regain your sanity. Yes these OC situations are enough to make u almost loose yourself...but we can't give in to that. We have to be strong.

Take one day at a time. Love yourself!!!

Go figure

Thank you so much for your kind words. you are soo rgiht i need to love and ifnd myself first. I do not a child just because H ahd OC with OW, which I truly think part of that is the reason. One day at a time. Maybe next year I will better suited for that. God, will let me know when it is time. I think i want to get pg to fill a hole I have right now, and maybe thats not what should fill it. I should make my H fill it with his love and his understanding. Than i will be better. Thank you so much for your kind words.

No problem Lonely!

Keep your head up, so you can always see where you are going! (smile)

go figure

You are soo right. yOu have just helped me get out of my slump i have been in the past couple of days. You are the best. Thank you. Now, i know i can ramble my problems to you... you seem like you always have an answer. Sometimes I think it is hard for me. I am so young and i feel like I am going through soo much. He it happens that way.

But I know GOD willhelp me through this.

Thanks Lonely for those words of inspiration to me! I am glad that I am able to help. Feel free to ramble on.....(smile).

YOu are most welcome.


Wait

i just called my H to telling I was thinking of him. so i called he asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing. I dont know if he belives me but i thought that was funny

It is funny! Sometimes you have to do that....throw them a curve ball....they never see it coming. Stay strong. Be positive.

Thank you soo much.

You are soo right. Give them a curve ball.

My feelings about OW/OC. I feel robbed. Like she is haveing the baby by my husband that he talked about haveing with me. He says Her and him are having a baby together. Her, Him, and Baby together. Should be me, him, and Baby. I feel abandoned. Thrown away. Like I am garbage on the side and they are the family. Used for money and resources while they feel like a family together. The thoughts of him and her as a couple is just too sickening to imagine. How could he put any importance to her just because she had his baby. Anybody can have a baby. I am suppose to be the love of his life and he is gonna just throw that away and put energy into her just because he got her pregnant. I feel she stole my husband and his attention from me. And she is keeping his attention because she is pregnant. It hurts very deeply that now she can call the shots and manipulate him with the baby. If she wants to see him all she has to do is threaten him with not seeing his baby and he will come running to her bid and call. I have no control or power in this situation and although husband does love me and feels bad for hurting me, I have to bow out because he seems to want us both because he is letting her control him.