Right now I am sure you are totally confused....why shouldn't you be? I have been where you are:

My H went to hospital against my wishes... he wasn't at home but knew I couldn't take it if he showed her any support...

We are still together by the grace of God....3 1/2 yrs later.

I was into plan B....H went to see oc and tell ow he was beautiful.......against my wishes ....broke my heart yet again....I hung in there....

ow began her mantra of "only for child" and "your wife is unstable" and "only can see little gooey-baby under my terms!"

It all unfolds...see KT's drama and upheaval...

It has been 3 years plus.....a few sessions with Steve H and we are cool as heck!!!

Moved
Sexual... as well....uh? Never mind..

Have our moments over oc, more mine than his....he says he was a sperm donor and wishes OHIO law would see it as such and did for an affair who OW made TWO babies invitro and courts ruled against ow geting CS because MM was a DONOR!!!!
H was the same but ow did not "do it " in a lab ,rather MY H accommodated OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So he has to pay...a big deal that I may never "getover" as she's da bomb and wealthy! And uses this as revenge as H was not going to be a conventional "DAD"... ~sorry~~~~ Shoulda picked a single man~~~~\

Now for all you aching woman...the ones who had their hearts ripped from their chests....write a letter......tell your H with all honesty what you feel for them...tell them and never mention ow/oc....that will come later...NEVER mentiom ow/oc...remind them that you love and miss them...

The fog may lift AFTER you try to accomodate their wishes of integrating oc and existing family...it usually doesn't work....hard on you, but worth keeping your marriage!!!!

Genia...one step at a time...s-l-o-w-l-y

One day your wonderful H will question "WHY?" he went to hospital...do not worry...ow will plague him with cards,letters, and calls.....there will come a day when you no longer see her as a threat...she will be as in "KT's"case ? and someday she'll get it...H was scared...all along wanted you...and for her and oc...well...to just "go away"
Genia stand up for yourself!!


Listen to all of the bw's here...forget thre mixed messages of the rest...
You "marrried him" for a reason.....they did not...still!!! did not...he may very well only want to hear your love....tell him...wait and see..
love, to you and Luv and JT and Sunny and Niosgirl and all newbies,
Debi

Did it all and more and survived!!! Long process...worth it to me...

edited for typos as usual...lol

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 11:15 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP

You are so right!! Ladies....you will be fine.

Stand up.. FIGHT BACK...BE STRONG...THIS IS YOUR LIFE. SPEAK OUT!! TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED WHAT YOU WANT. FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. Right now your husband is a scared man. HE is terrified at what his future will hold. Let him know it is safe with you!! Let him know you love him.

As for the ow/oc. I can guarantee you, once this is all past, they will be forgotten. Child Support will just be a payment and your life will go on (assuming you want no contact). Life will be fun. You will have birthdays, holidays, boring days, the whole gamut is infront of you. Do not let this control you.

The ow is an "UGH WHAT HAVE I DONE" women. And YES he will wake up and see her for what she is. He will see a woman who slept with a married man, a woman with no class or care for others feelings. A whore. THEN he will realize he was that man....then the pain in his heart will literally bleed, when he realizes what he has put you through. He will see you as the loving, kind decent woman that you are. He will hold his children and weep as they sleep, wondering how he could possibly have ever been so stupid as to put their lives and happiness in jeopardy. He will be depressed at what he has done. As you move through this it will start to heal and someday you will realize that it is so far in the past that they don't matter at all. Just an "UGH what have I done"

Keep your shoulders straght, stand tall and be totally and 100% honest with him of your love, your hopes and dreams. BE HONEST. TALK. Don't hide away behind a kleenex and wish. Be proactive. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. YOU CHOOSE HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE IT.

But above all BE HONEST. LET HIM KNOW HE IS HURTING YOU. And DON'T be a whiney, begging, manipulative shrew.....he already has that in the ow. There are many battles ahead. She will win one having the oc, and she will win cs (if it is even his). From then on, once it is legal, you will be surpised to learn that you will start to win those battles too. Want contact??? She CAN'T controll that. She has no right to demand a thing. If it took two to make it, it will be two who can make decisions. If HE wants contact, she can't say no. The law will see to that. If she doesn't want you around, she can't force that either, the law again, will say it is ok for baby to be at his fathers home. See? They really have very little control once the child is born. If you don't want contact, she can't force it on him either. Their game strarts to unravel quickly once the child is born.

They worry about the "Family" (read the message earlier about the ow wanting the MM and OW and OC to meet alone...paranoid? They will have to sit some Christmas while their child is with another home, wondering if the MM/BW have better holidays, nicer family, more fun. They will have to hand over their child to another woman. Not an easy position is it? Wonder how much they feel like the victor as they cash the cs check, while MM/BW/BC/OC are at the beach having fun.

So, pull up your bootstraps, stand tall and go after the life you want, he is afterall, YOUR husband. The ow has absolutely no power over YOU, only YOU have that. FIGHT BACK.

LynnG said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They worry about the "Family" (read the message earlier about the ow wanting the MM and OW and OC to meet alone...paranoid? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect, I need to clarify that while I can't speak for any other woman's feelings or situation, mine had absolutely NOTHING to do with wanting to exclude the W, or being threatened by their family unit, and certainly not wanting any type of family unit with my child's father.
My situation being what it is, for me it was about the psychological need to stand one on one with my attacker and confront my feelings about what happened to me in order to continue my healing process.
I don't necessarily expect everyone to understand that need, but I can describe it as taking back my inner strength...taking back what was taken from me. My therapist and I discussed the topic at length a year ago, should the situation ever present itself.

However, I am very happy to say that it looks as though for the time being at least, NC will continue and I won't have to deal with it.

MNTB,

I did not realize that you were/are OW. Maybe I have not read enough of your story but it never really crossedmy mind. I guess I am so wrapped up in the advice you gave or at least the points you made.

Still I do not necesaarily even fault my OW, I am not married to her I am married to Him! So my problem with that is just simple how could you do it to another woman. My OW did not know H was married in the beginning, but when she learned of it she still did not stop it. So that is my fault with her, but I don't wish her any harm because she at some point was deceilved by my H too. OC is innocent in all of this as well as me and my children though - so on that note I do not want anything to do with C with any of them. I could not be M to H with that constantly being thrown in my face. If my H had had a different approach other than lying all the time it might have been different.

But I think not because as many have pointed out and upon reading emerge I have come to know him as an abuser. He wants to control me and my thinking and what I do in this M. He wants to do whatever he wants and it be okay.

Well it is not okay, therefore I must be moving on. The funny thing is the only thing that I have to lose in all of this is H; he has everything to lose. His home, business, and love of the people he betrayed.

JT

JT,

For some detail on my unique situation, you can read giovanna's thread down the page titled "Please explain something...MNTB or any OW..."

That will explain a lot to you....

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: meNtheboyz ]</small>

Hi you all,

Thanks for dedicating this thread to me. I do not know why but suddenly I have this urge to talk to OW. I do not know why. It is like something very important is fixing to happen in my husbands life and I am being left out. I want her to know my side. I want to know her side. I know my husband still lies to me and may be lying to her. I want to know what they are planning together. I wonder if she would tell me. She may be honest, I do not know. I know in the beginning she told me that husband loved me and her. Why would she tell me that husband loved me. She said when she found out that he loved me and did not plan on leaving me, that she tried to break it off. She said she could not break it off because her feelings for him were too strong. She said she did not want to share but she did because she was in love with my husband. Would it serve any purpose to ask her what her plans are concerning contact, and if she would allow me to visit the baby with the husband. My husband is refusing to take it to court and we have little money. I was thinking we could buy one of them plans where you pay so much a month, but is he lying when he says he does not love OW. Why won't he take her to court? He tells me he loves me now. I respond to him, I don't know if you love me enough.

Genia,

Honey, I know the need that you feel, but I am here to tell you it will make no difference by talking to her. It may even make matters worse for you. I made that mistake when she called my home, I talked to her and later ( months) i called her and was told some of the truth I am sure, but not the entire truth and definately not from either of them her or him.

They are not going to tell the truth 100% sweetie, she may even throw a couple of things in to make the wound bleed a little. So why bother? Is it really worth the pain? You are not going to get the answers that you seek from either of them.

I know you think it might be easier for you, but trust me I've been there done that and got nothing but more heartache from it. So NO I DON"T ADVISE IT.

The answers you need are really inside of you!
Trust you!

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi JT,

Thanks. I just wish there was someway I could look in his heart and see if he tells the truth when He says, "I love you". Is he playing me or is he just lost and needs to find his way? I don't know. If only there was a way I could know. He is being sweet now. Is it because he knows he is fixin to do something so incredibly stupid that he knows he might lose me with the OW's baby coming soon. I just do not know and I feel so lost now. If I put OW situation out of my mind everything between us seems so right. It is like this OW situation is a nightmare that is real, and how can this be happening?

UPDATE.

Husband's Sister keeps his kids by his first wife. He is being issued a warrant for his arrest concerning those kids. His sister is gonna try and annul the order. I don't know if that can be done. I would rather husband did not go to prison because that would just put everything on hold instead of resolving anything. Husband's second wife is sueing him for child support and he has a court date. He told me if he can get rid of child support for his first two kids, he will only have child support for one kid. I corrected him. I said two kids, you have one on the way. He said, she won't sue me for child support. I say, "Yeah right" He says I can handle it. I am thinking, if you handle it, I won't be with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Oh well we will see.