We told our D last night about the new addition that will be arriving soon. She's 11 and took it rather well. She just bad a blank stair to the wall while dad was telling her. She really didn't have too many questions at first, but I look for more today. After dad went to bed she came to me and we (me & D) ended up talking until midnight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Answered alot of her questions, I hope? But we shall she. Its sad though, she hasn't talked to her dad since he told her. He called her a couple of times to come to our room and watch tv w/us and she didn't answer him. When I called she answered? She came in there for awhile but when I got up she did also? She is all about mom right now and I guess that is to be expected? Dad is having the lights go off in his left and right. She doesn't want him (OC)in her room, not changing diapers, ect. Just putting her lines down I guess so she can feel she still has her space. Told her his name and she wanted to know we would call him and I asked her what she would like and she said his first name, which his second name is H and she said she wouldn't call him that. I guess all of this is pretty normal right? HELP!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Oh, Sunny. She needs time to process it all. She might need to talk to someone outside the family so she can vent w/out hurting anyone's feelings (like her papa).

Hugs!

- Kimmy

Hi Sunny,

I think this really does hurt kids. I think she is angry at Dad right now for hurting Mom. Kinda hard for a young mind to process. My kids do not belong to my husband. They are young. I knew they figured too much out from arguments that happened while they were home because of OW calling my house. Children are angry at my husband and they think and wish I would just put him out. They also are smart and know I love him even though he did something bad to me. My oldest son knew my husband loved me three years ago and told me he thought husband wanted to marry me before husband had asked me. I was surprised at his intuition. He was only 7 then.

I've got a C at church that said she would talk to her. She works w/ the kids w/ the childrens home. Just the look on her face! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She wanted to know what the baby was to me, I said step son and wanted to know what the OW was to her, I said NOTHING! She said good she didn't want a step mom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But she wouldn't say anything but yea, ok, to her dad. And yes the man had tears. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Broke my heart to see them like that. He might have woke up alittle more last night. She did say she was still the baby girl and I said yes you will always will be. (So I am glad it is a boy) But like I told H today "I didn't put you here! I didn't put our D here! I'm not tring to destoy your F! He's calling so much today and I know he is scared, but told him we would be fine and we would go on. As long as we are a team! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Oh and her best friends mom has a heads up on things, cause you know she told her today at school. So see this effects SOOOOO many people. Now she will have to explain things to her kids! The circle is wide and deep isn't it.
Thanks for ya'll support! Will post more on SBF
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sunny,

I know this is hard. I wish my kids did not know and I am scared how this might affect their values. I am glad you have good people around your daughter.

{{{{Sunny}}}} She has a lot to think about. She is old enough to know it's not right. My heart goes out to both of you. Just love her as much as you can. Be there for her and be her rock. I hope she does not end up hating her father over this. Maybe he should try to talk to her. It's good that you have a C at church to help her, she will need it.

Sunny - How you doing today? Is D doing better? This topic is weighing heavy on my mind too. We haven't told kids yet and I really am dreading it.

Thinking and praying for you today. I know it is going to be difficult. Is H going to hospital?? Are you going to be there with him? Stay focused on your family and your faith. You will be fine. Keep us posted.

Love you!!

Thanks for everyones prayers. D is doing ans talking about things better. Maybe she is getting it from her mom ! LOL. But we are doing great. The past few days have been very hard at times but we are closer now today more than anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> God is working on H and my family and its amazing to see the transformation. God is good all the time! D said she could not wait to hold him and see what he looks like. I think she was scared because she thought we where getting a D again. But we have assured her that we are working to make this family and family with the new addition. So she is more relaxed in the talking about him. Kris yes and yes. He is going and he is doing it for the baby. He wants to be the first to hold it and I can understand that. I will be in the room with him in his heart and close by in body. We will be there for each other and the baby and no one else. I am very comfortable with the situation, even though the OW has had a change of heart as far as me being there. But its a very free world and he wants me there so I will be close. May not be around the corner, but I will be there. She can only request that I am not in the delevery room area and no where else. We called the hospital. Weither she realises it or not yes we do have rights and I as his wife have them too. Just cause she said so doesn't make it so! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D
Delighted I have peace in my soul
Delighted He loves me more today than yesterday
Delighted that God is able to give ANYONE peace if you let him
Delighted I live today w/ no regrets!

Sunny,

As long as your D knows you & H are one I think she will be able to handle this a lot better having that doubt removed from her mind.

Yes God is good all the time, & he is working overtime on your hubby, PRAISE GOD!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He is showing him what is important & bringing all of your family closer together, working HIS will in all your lives, there may be some bumps ahead as OW will most likely continue to show her true colors now but as long as you & H are united things will be alright.

If God is for you, (and we know he is), who can be against you? No one!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh sunny,

I am glad that you all are doing better. Your D has to have time to process it all. I hope H sees how it does effect all involved. I know that if you can make it throughthis you can make it through anything. D will need to discuss this with someone in the future probably but until then if I were you I would take my cues from her.

she will be strong just like her mother. my prayers are still with you and wish you much happiness and success in rebuilding your marriage.

JT

Hi Sunny,

I am so glad your daughter has accepted it. I am so glad you are pulling close together as a family. I wish I were where you are at.

Sunny,
Glad to hear that things are turning around for you. That is sweet that your D wants to hold him and I am glad you are able to reassure her that you won't be getting a D.

You H is on the right track. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is going and he is doing it for the baby. He wants to be the first to hold it and I can understand that. I will be in the room with him in his heart and close by in body. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly what should be done if it's important for him to be there, that you are there too. I only wish my H could have seen that. I remember that day all too well and it still hurts badly.

Good luck Sunny. I think you guys will be just fine. God Bless

Sunny - So happy that things are working out for you. It will all come together for you now. I think your D has gotten her strength from you. Also glad to see that H has gotten his eyes opened a little by D's reaction and OW's recent behavior. You will all be fine and your family will survive. I will keep you in my thoughts tomorrow and hope that all goes well.

Love you!

Thanks everyone! My support group is soo great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We are working at getting better and will be there someday. I don't think it will get any easier. Change is hard and its not just "us" now. Like kimmy, itw work and you work at it all your days. But I will be what God exspects me to be and no one else. No we are not out of the wood and don't know if we will ever be. But for today, I am glad and I will take it for what it is worth! (Baby steps) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Good for you. Your marriage is fine!!! I do feel for you daughter right now.

How did your husband take it? He is in for a shock when she is a teen!!

Why can't you be right outside the delivery room door? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then when baby comes out, handed to daddy, daddy can walk oc out to see step mommy??

I hope your husband doesn't want any drugs introduced to his child, and pushes for a natural birth!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Afterall, it is his child! Wouldn't it be in the BEST INTEREST OF THE OC for the mom NOT TO HAVE ANY DRUGS AT ALL????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Kidding.


But, the most important child in this scenario is your beautiful daughter (oc is clueless). Keep close tabs on her. She too is now on the roller coaster of emotions. I'm sure you will love her to bits.

Here is going to be the hard part. Even when a wanted child of the marriage is brought home, the older child may feel jelous and upset. Imagine how hard it must be for an oc to be brought into the mix. Cause at some point, when she is at the wonderfull, know it all age of 14, she will probably really understand exactly what happened. She will understand the total ramifications of it all. She will feel embarrassed by what happened. She will get angry and lash out at him for creating this, and it will come out of nowhere.

She will remember these days and you will want them to be about HER. How SHE feels. What SHE wants. She needs to come first, so you can help calm her and ease her mind as she grows into a young woman. Teaching morality and decency to teens is hard enough, without having an OC in the mix. It is going to be hard when she looks at her daddy and realizes, exactly what he put you through. I'm sure you are a great parent and will handle all of this fine!

As for getting her a counselor? Let her actions be the guide for this. At her age, she knows that there is a baby. How much she knows about how babies are created, and how much she knows about honor and commitment. I would guess not much. Now that a baby is on the way, the whole sex thing is out there. Kids know so little about it at 11. However, they learn fast in those Jr. High Years. And someday, the whole sordid story will be totally understandable to her.

Having this thrust upon her on the cusp of puberty is going to be hard. While she is learing of boys and having crushes and getting hurt and all that goes with those early teen years, she is going to be looking at her own life. The awkward realization that her parents had sex at least once, which created her embarrasses them enough. To think that her dad was doing what he was, with another could be hard to swallow. I swear teens think parents only do it enough to have them, and then we stop!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The whole sex thing to them is intriguing while the giggle on the phone with their best friend. They get the sex ed in school, but they do talk about it themselves.

Someday she is going to like a boy, he will like her. Then she will learn of some other girl liking him. As that situation works it way out, she is going to think of you, her dad, etc. She is going to realize EXACTLY what happened. She is going to understand it all for what it really is. Sure, you are accepting of the oc, visitation, etc. But when she comes to terms with exactly what happened, that is when she is going to need you the most. Our oldest daughter, as she realized all of this, really became angry. Angry at her dad for doing it. Angry at me for accepting it. Angry at oc for existing. Angry at ow for having oc. She was furious at it all. She would blow in a rage out of the blue if my husband tried to "father" her. She had that period of time, where she felt that since he had a "[censored] child" that he had no right to tell her what to do.

Of course she was wrong. BUT, not in her mind. As most teens see things as black and white, and not the shades of grey that life really is, she didn't feel wrong. And, since she was a teen with a drivers license, naturally, she felt she was a full fledged adult. Afterall, she was in high school!! How could anyone ever know more then a high school kid!!!!

So I wish you the best on this journey. Take it one day at a time with your daughter. And remember one thing. OC or not in your life, teens can be opinionated, rude, sweet, loving, confused, know it alls. It doesn't take an oc to make them that way!!! They can also be great fun!! Hysterically funny and their energy will be contagious!!

Either way, you all will be fine. I am so happy that all is working out for you. It will for her too!!!

Thanks for the heads up Lynn, since my son is 11.5 yo, I will also keep this all in mind.

Sunny------our son is still kinda distant from dad-even almost 2 years later-dad's working on it but.......

I would also say for your H to remember that if he is rejected from dd------that he not 'take it' & what I mean from that is not to put the burden of his realtionship w/ dd on her. Put the effort in himself----no matter what. If she is not responding verbally----then give her a hug-lots of them.

Apologize, tell her he knows she is upset & that she has a right to be....but that he still loves her & always will.

Our therapist did make a good suggestion---that we tell our son that MOST families would break up after something like this, but ours is special because we chose to stay together as a family & include OC. And my H did tell our son that he chose our family which is why OC only comes to VISIT but he (& ktbunch) all live together as a family & how he realized how horrible it was & would NEVER do that again(blah blah blah). kwim?

Even when things are going well, good, & when things get down....just keep those things in mind.

keep us updated.

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Sunny - Just wanted to know I was thinking of you. Hope you are well. Stay strong!!

Lynn, yes thanks for the heads up. And yes she knows where the babies come from and how they get here. She is delveloping quickly so the dr said tell her. Periods and such are right aroun the corner and harmones are already there. I am taking time from each day to sit and talk to her. Not questions for her to do yes/no thing but encouraging her to talk. What does she want to call him (between first and middle) When does she want to be able to see him. She said at first that she didn't want ot go to the H, but now she was ready to go at 9:00 last night to see him. She is making list of things we need for him and is pulling out some of her stuffed animals for him. I've included her on all of it. I told H just didn't want ot see her hurt so the legal stuff is processing now. I just hope that his mother will see how much we want to be apart of his life and love him too.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D