I was wondering about how to manage contact with OC. I am a WS in recovery and my OC is an 8 month old daughter. I would dearly love to be involved in her life but I appreciate how hard that could be for all concerned. I don't want to abandon her but I don't want to hurt all the others involved.
Please don't flame me I know what I did was wrong and you can't punish me anymore than I do myself. What I'm after is helpful constructive advice on possible ways to help her rather than lose her altogether.

Hi g,

I would like to welcome you. I am so glad you asked. It would be nice if you talk to your wife and get her input as to what she wants. Then, it would be nice if you can get visitation set up legally. Most betrayed spouse would like to be included in visitation as a step mom. Wish you luck. Nice to hear from the other side.

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

First how is you M? Does your BS want contact, have you talked to them about it? It has to be a team thing. That means you and spouse. Its a give and take thing. You have to put your family first. What does the OP say about contact? Don't do it out of guilt, don't do it cause someone is mad because your not. Contact can and is being done in a good way. Some C situations are really hard and just can't be done. So you have to look at your own heart, why are you now searching for C. And PRAY! Its a team thing, that means you and spouse! And find a attorney! Have the dna test been done? Just a few questions and we are here to help, and we are glad you found us.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

My marriage is slowly improving. We are having counselling regularly. I think my wife would like the past events to disappear completely and any contact will be a constant reminder of the affair. We also have 3 other kids who don't know about OC yet. So its very difficult. But you're right that's the right place to start. Has anyone had experience in working though this?
By the way if we can't reach an agreement that we both are enthusiastic about then we take no action, according to MB principles right?

No one can tell you what is right/wrong for your family. Not everything on MB works for all. Everyone is different. But your M is first and your family is important! But maybe you need to bring it up during MC session. Tell her your needs and let her tell you hers. Its a give and take no one completely gets everything they want! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But you have to assure her that she is first. But also I don't think you should suffer inside if you want to know this child. (And that is JUST me!) But she may not know how you feel. And yes if you can't come to an agreement where both are happy with and can live with. Then I guess you will have to make your mind up on what matters most. But hidding it from your children will come back and bite you. (Thats just my 2 cents also) How old are the kids? Depending on their ages now may not or may be time to tell them. Its alot to take in and its alot to figure out for yourself, so pray and read your bible and let God guide you and your family.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

YES, that is a MB principle called POJA, policy of Joint Agreement, no action unless BOTH parties are in 'enthusiatic agreement'.

How far along are you in 'recovery' such as how long ago did the A end? I don't mean to make you feel bad @ all...we've all been there....on one side or another.....just want to know where your marraige & W are @ this point as to what steps would be comfortable to take. kwim?

H & I started C only 2.5 yo w/ OC, she was 4.5 yo, it ended on a sad note just recently..but my point is.....H had not told me the COMPLETE truth of the A until we were to meet OC! So..if he would have told me from the beginning.....we could have been much farther into the healing process & things could have been easier between us--having to deal w/ OC in our lives AND the 'truth' about A @ the same time was almost impossible!

So that is why I ask how far into recovery/healing you are.
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This must be something you & W BOTH discuss & talk about. Also, you must realize some facts. While you want to be involved, you must realize that your involvement may not be welcome by OP, which can create LOTS of problems. Also, what level of involvement are you thinking of?

Many single moms will 'tolerate' the 'father's' involvement as long as he allows the OP to have most of the control over the child.

Your involvement w/ this OC will NOT be like that of any kids you have w/in your marriage. It just won't. You won't be there to tuck them in every night & you won't be invovled on a day to day basis.

Choices will have to be made sometimes & it can create conflict. You must decide ahead of time how you will handle these conflicts. For example if one of your children has a school event @ thesame time as OC...which do you attend? These things Do & will happen...it is real life.

And you also must realize that your W MUST be included in this from the very beginning if she chooses to agree & go along w/ this. That is the way to win her heart, by making her a PART of this.
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I believe, once a BW feels secure in her marital relationship, she will be more willing & more able to adequately alllow her heart to open to an OC IF H wishes. Not always but that is what i think.
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Personally, I still think it is a bad idea. I think everyone should move on w/ thier lives & all the consequences that go w/ it. but that's JMO.
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SHe cannot force you NOT to see your child & you cannot force her to accept it either. That is why it must be discussed------EVERYTHING must be considered--EVERY aspect & then a decision can be made that you BOTH can live w/. Neither can impose or force their will upon the other.

It might mean that you will have to choose-----one or the other----I don't know.

I am sorry that you are in the situation that brings you here but you have found the right place.

I also look forward to hear from the (f)WH POV & hope that you will stick around.

grx,
you're getting good advice. Every situation is different, depending in no small part on the people involved. It's really hard, for people who are so hurt (meaning wife, X-OW, and yes you too!!) to be mature about contact, especially if they weren't very mature to begin with, ya know?

Is XOW married also? If so, is he raising OC as his own? That makes huge difference in my book, as OC then HAS a father in her life and biodad just confuses the issue.

What is the XOW's attitude re: contact? Would she rather just have your $$ (be careful you don't get hit for back ch-support later!) and you bug-off? Does she hate your wife and want W to have nothing to do with OC? Is XOW likely to use OC as an excuse to try to get back in your pants? These are all possibilities that make contact difficult or impossible for some.

More importantly, how's your W? Have you worked at ways to try to rebuild trust in your marriage? There's some good recovery books out there, and the MB Principles are great. You say she'd like it all to go away... wouldn't we all?! But in a dead-set way, or do you think she might be open to visitation, under certain POJA boundaries (like W must be present, you can't go to XOW's house, etc.)?

All stuff to think about/discuss. Btw, our first counselor recommended not telling kids (of the marriage) under 12ish unless there is going to be visitation. I think you're doing the right thing not to tell them right now.

Best wishes on recovery and marriage-building, with or without visitation.

"Jenny",
6y successful recovery, meeting OC soon (long story); mom to 3

Thanks very much for such helpful replies. XOW is single and wants me to be the father involved in child's life but I think she really wants me involved in her life too. No question that I could never see or talk to her again so contact would have to be arranged through a third party. I currently pay CS, voluntarily more than legally required and will always do that. My other kids are 12, 15 and 17. I initially wanted to tell them straight away but my wife and I needed time to heal before we could deal with that.
I wonder if any OCs out there have a view about whether knowing and relating to their real fathers helped or hurt them? My motivation here is to try and plan how to minimise damage to everyone. I personally want to care for my new daughter but I also realise that circumstances might dictate that I walk away from her for her own good. Her life will be hard enough without me making it worse. But I don't know if contact makes it worse or better. One of the painful consequences of my irresponsible choices.
Just don't ever have an affair - it destroys the people you love and yourself.

Just don't ever have an affair - it destroys the people you love and yourself.

Well, if we are reading this...TOO LATE..we have already been touched by it in some way.

CS NOT legal?------asking for BIB trouble buddy--BIG BIG TROUBLE. You know that 'voluntary' CS that is not set up through the courts CAN be considered a gift & you could be held responsible for arrears, which is all the CS due since OC born or OW files..anyway---that could back-fire on you completely.

Always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS do it through the court system---for your own protection. @ the very least I hope you are paying by check so that you have some sort of record...although I am not sure how well that could stand up in court.

XOW is single and wants me to be the father involved in child's life but I think she really wants me involved in her life too.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Dude! There's your answer right there! Do you NOT see the BIG red flag? It will never work if this is the case. Open your eyes. Your W will be uncomfortable for a reason. When emotions are still there & running high-----maturity & responsible parenting CLASH. IF this is the case (OW still wants you) then how can she possibly think straight enough to NOT cause problems for you & W & you & OC? Think clear here.

Sometimes..after some major time has been spent restoring the marriage & everyone has gotten over their hurts & emotions....when things calm down...sometimes it is best to wait & then resume a relationship w/ OC. Some would disagree w/ that & I would also to a point--because I am against it completely but if it is something that you want to pursue than waiting some time might be best.

Everyone needs a chance to HEAL from this---everyone. Everyone needs time to process thier feelings & go through all the stages of shock, grief, anger ect in order to fully heal.

I really don't know what to tell you about how to handle your own feelings about this.
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OC is already 8 mos old---& you have been paying CS-------HOW? Do you still have C w/ OW in some way or do you just mail off a check every month & that's it? Have you met OC already or are there visits currently? How do you know OW is still single? There must be some C somewhere going on to have this information. DO you have mutual friends that are keeping you up to date or something?

grxannm,

Just incase you wanted a guys perspective...

I would sacrifce the needs of the one for the needs of the many.

Put your own home in order first. Use MB concepts to build the best marriage you can. Finish raising those teens.

I agree with KT about CS. Get that set up through whatever court system you need to. Your contact with OW should be nothing more than a check in the mail every month.

I can only imagine what you may be feeling about that little girl out there. My bio father was denied raising me. I'm sure it near killed him. We are good friends now.

If it were me, I might set up a college fund or buy gifts to deliver anonymously at special milestones in her life.

At any cost avoid OW! POJA with your wife on all the above! I see any interactions with DD in the future, not now. Finish one story before you begin another.

Im just a blue collared guy in the Northwest, but thats what I think...

My stbxh is in this situation and like yours he thought he can do it "Nicely"with the ow..I never said he can or can't see the OC. Well he saw the OC once, 3wks after the baby was born and guess what happened?? OW started telling him he needs to be around ALL THE TIME, he can't just come and go whenever, that he needs to buy stuff for the baby when she SAYS so getting all upset about their situation.So now I don't think he cares that much about the OC and that ended their contact and he just got ordered for child support and arrears.

I told him before she had the baby that she wants my life, she wants to replace me but he never believed it until he saw it for himself. He thought he can balance it trying to do the "right thing" unfortunately, you just really need to pick one..

Marriage after infidelity is very volatile, one wrong move and you are back to square one. Just remember that any dealings with OC/OW affects your wife and children, if you are pleasing one you are hurting the other and vice versa...

<small>[ September 06, 2004, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: hurtingjen ]</small>

hurting jen, I'm sorry for your D and I agree with your points. I think 'our' XOW wanted to replace me, too. Former friend who envied what I had.

Our story is different in that we were overseas 6yr (military) and recently ordered back to XOW/OC area. We are moving very slowly into visitation w/OC, having discussed (POJA) under what circumstances WE are willing to back out, no-contact. XOW has remarried and I saw NO interest between XOW and H during recent encounter. That's totally different from being FRESH in the agony on A/OC... 8mo being pretty fresh.

Do what you need to do for your M and see what tomorrow brings...

I agree with the others that for now, NC is necessary to keep your family in tact.

I also have children that are teen and pre-teen and there is NO WAY I am hitting them with this now. They don't deserve to go through this at such a tender age. By NC we are doing any FURTHER damage control. They are just gaining security back after the last hellish year we had w/me and H fighting and me crying constantly, brief separation, etc. etc.....

The OC will be fine. She has no idea and neither does H's OC... let them be in happy baby bliss beig taken care of by OW.. while our kids are older and WILL BE severaly impacted by this news. They need you as their role model very much now as teens.

If you do have contact and it CAN work and be agreed by you and your W- I'd definitely recomment it be just you and W at the visits for some time.

Take care!

Thanks again for the advice. Overall I agree now that contact can wait for a time when its safer for everyone. For the worriers out there, yes we have a third party handling communication, yes its a direct credit into a bank account and fortunately I come from a country that manages child support without courts getting involved and the amount to be paid is fixed by government guidelines, not by who sues who and who has the most aggressive lawyer. The mother can't go back a retrospectively ask for more. Very civilised really. You should try it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I come from a country that manages child support without courts getting involved </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm... I thought so...

good luck...