Ran across this in March and copied and saved it--just came upon it today of all days

Dear Dr. Laura,

After listening to your caller today who wanted to know what to do because he didn’t “feel” love for his wife anymore, but felt like he would towards a sister, I felt compelled to comment.

Two years ago I was in a similar situation. I merely tolerated being married because I didn’t want my three children (at the time ages 16, 10, and 3) to come from a broken home. I finally came to the realization one day that I was responsible for my feelings, and I did something about it.

I resolved right then and there that nobody – friends, family, coworkers (not even you, Dr. Laura) – would hear me say anything negative or critical about my wife. Every word anybody heard from me would be only positive when it concerned her. If I had anything of that nature to say, I could lovingly discuss it with her or shut up about it and that was that. I also decided that, no matter how I FELT, I would always treat her as though she was the single most beautiful thing God had ever created, and that any act of love I could do for her, I would do. I wake up in the morning and bring her a fresh, hot cup of coffee in bed. Then I warm up the shower and make sure to wash her back for her (I didn’t have to pretend I enjoyed that). I cheerfully cook dinner when she has had a difficult day, give our daughter her bath and insist that she take a nap on Sunday afternoon after church.

Although I sometimes find the topic as exciting as a cold mashed potato sandwich, I pay attention to what she says and comment on it because that is more important than what is happening on Law and Order on television. I even do grocery shopping, alone or with her if she likes. I even go clothes shopping with her (usually every man’s nightmare) and give her genuine input and show honest interest. The idea is to spend time with her, regardless of what we are doing. I looked for genuine ways to compliment her (I’m really impressed with your knowledge of special needs children). I pamper, take care of, and generally spoil my sweetheart as much and as often as I can.

Since you have a background in psychology, you can guess what happened. If you change your behavior, your mind follows suit. I didn’t have to spend much time telling her how incredible she was before I began to believe everything I told her. Tonya became more beautiful by the day, and is far more intelligent than I ever gave her credit for before my “awakening.”

It has been over two years, and our life together is far and away better than anything I could have imagined. Tonya is my best friend, wife, sweetheart and companion all wrapped up into one fabulously beautiful package, and we grow closer by the day. I don’t always “feel” love, but I always make it a point to “do” loving things so that she can “feel” loved. We will be married 23 years on the 22nd of this month, and people we meet think we are newlyweds because we are so affectionate with each other.

If I could talk to your caller, I would tell him to stop expecting his marriage to fix itself. Love isn’t a feeling, it is an action word. Love is what you promised to do when you stood before the preacher with the second most beautiful woman in the world (my Tonya is the first). So stop whining and start loving your wife. The rewards are far beyond what you can imagine. I am living proof of that.

John L.


Like the fact that he states that love is an action word not a feeling--as JT claims also.

Just like me saying if it was important to him it was important to me. I make what he does, or wants to do important to me. That was our greatest problem. He did his thing, I did mine. And he has followed suite on that idea. If I want to do this or that or need to talk whatever we have made it important to each other. If you sit and think of all the "bad" gualities of your spouse then guess what, they are less attractive. And visa versa. But the change came from w/in HIM, not her. She was the same sweet, loving, caring person that he had M. He had to change his thoughts and feelings.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Albany,

That was great and I agree with him whole heartedly. I wish my H could read it or even believe it - then do it, but I don't think he really has the compassion to love like that. He has no clue how to do it?

I needed something positive to read this morning and I thank you.

JT

Wow, loved it, so very true and touching. It actually kind of touches on something one of our local DJ's said he read. He read a book, can't remember the name but the author challenges you not to complain about anything for 24 hours (can be difficult). He said doin this will not only make you feel better but will also make others around you feel better.

I am going to save it too so that I can remember to do that same thing with the next person I fall in love with someday.

I e-mailed this to my H and he only opened and replied to me with two words give up.

I know he didn't read it because I was there when he opened it and he def. didn't read it. Of course he opened his e-mail after we had a huge blow-out.

hi,

My husband refuses to read anything I give him too. I just don't understand why they can't at least read about marriage stuff or at least put some effort into it.

I think he will end up reading--I re-sent it. The reason being that I had printed the summary of the basic concepts by Dr. H and printed the Dr. H article on Resolving Conflicts and Restoring Love to the Marriage and gave them to him--he thre them on the floor but I picked them up and put them by his lunch box and I couldn't find them later--thought maybe he threw them away but I called and asked him if he knew what happened to the atricles I laid on the counter and he said he took them--I said oh you reaad them and he said he had only had a little time so he has read a little--he worked last night.

Interesting was a complete ******* last night but still took those with him.

al~

Your H is still in the place, where any M advice given by you, directly or indirectly, is not going to be accepted. He is most likely viewing it, as you shoving it down his throat. You will likely have more results by you doing as the H in the Dr. Laura letter did, than by expecting your H to suddenly do as that H did, just because you showed him the letter.

I don't want to be harsh, but honestly al, if ever there was a time for Plan B, it is now. Decide what is more important, the backing of your friends and family, or your M? You know I've thought all along, you have a realistic chance, better than some around here. You have no chance, as long as you are willing to stay in neutral.

If you are willing to do something so drastic and final as D, then surely you can do Plan B. So what if you don't know what he's up to during Plan B? Do you really know what he's up to now? At least you won't have the day in and day out stresses you have now. It will give you a break, whilst giving him some time to either get his s**t together, or take a hike.

Thinking of you always,

~ad

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

okay I'm with you Aut--but why did he take the articles i left on the table?

I can PB but he will then proceed with a D--that is waht he wants and I can't change that or do I start it by having all of his mail changed etc. to his apt?

If I PB him completely then he won't pay for house--etc.--he won't get his stuff out and be out of my hair without doing a D--he won't get out until it is settle--so then how do I do PB--changing the locks won't work--he will go over the deep end I know because until it is done with a D he still feels like it is his place--so I don't know how to do a PB with him because he has a shop full of stuff that he comes over and works on. I don't see how to do a PB until we are divorced. All I can do is not deal with him and make sure he only picks up and drops off our son and that basically I ignore him and do talk to him unless vital--he won't just kick out and leave--he will honestly go ballistic if I changed the locks I think--more like I know.

Sorry for the run on but just rambling because i have racked my brain about this for the last two days and all I can do is be cold and distant.

I don't see how I can do what the man in the letter did--I have done that and it does nothing--remember he now admits he is sorry and it is him who got us here to this point but he doesn't want to fix our love.

First, you have to have a plan in place, but that shouldn't take long, if you're serious. I'm not suggesting you go off half cocked, willy-nilly or whatever...

It is his problem if he goes off the deep end when you change the locks. He can't have it both ways. He wants his foot half in, half out, till HE gets the D?? Well, let him see what all the way out feels like, give him a taste of that D he so desires--ok? Stop letting him run the show. It will only get you to D court, or spinning in the mud as you have been. At least this way, there's a chance.

Find a way to work it out financially to stay in your place without him, or find another place. You'd have to do that in a D anyway, wouldn't you?

A workshop full of his stuff? Pack it up and put it out in the shed or whatever, and make arrangements for him to pick it up.

Make arrangements for all the logistics regarding your son.

Get your third party all lined up.

Start drafting the PBL.

The rubber's hitting the road here, al. If he's so sorry for what he did, but doesn't know how to fix it--you show him how.

aut we have a huge three bay shop that he is currently using to fix up cars in that he buys and resells ( that is how we get extra $$$$)--I can't just pack it up. I can make it so we don't see each other etc. and what not but i don't see a way to do a PB--and what does one even say in a PB letterif he knows the my intentions are to try an make it work--I don't think a PB will be effective anyway.

I will be gettign a restraining order if I change the locks--there is no way to make him feel that he can't come to the house and consider a place he can be--I have tried--what I'm I suppose to do-sell the house and then do Pb and if it works we have lost our beautiful home that I may be able to keep without him.

*sniffle*

I love Dr. Laura...

sorry *sniff*

al~

It's a huge challenge, figuring out all the logistics of Plan B. Nobody said it's easy. However, it usually comes down to a matter of "I won't", not "I can't". albany, you CAN DO anything you set your mind to.

Nobody said it isn't risky either. But what is the alternative? The way it looks now, you are headed for D. Why not take the path that may just lead him home?

albany honey, the Plan B letter WILL make your intentions clear. Your intentions WILL be the same as they are now--to make the M work. Plan B doesn't change your intentions, it only changes how you're going about it. I can help you with a PBL, and I can rustle up others, (who know way more about this stuff than I).

If you think you can find a way to stay in your home whilst doing Plan B, that would be fantastic. I was only trying to point out that you need to prioritize right now. Really examine your heart as to what is most important, and then go for it. If your beautiful house is lost in all of it, but you gain your H and M--do you really care? Beautiful houses are a dime a dozen in comparison to a restored M. Do you think your son wants a beautiful house, or a peaceful HOME with two parents?

As far as the 3 bay car shop. I doubt you can work it so there is absolutely NC, if it's on your property. al, you have to set it up so there is absolutely NC. If there is any contact, other than purely accidental, or in cases of emergency--you're not really in Plan B, and it will likely fail. You must go dark.

Here's the link to Plan A/B--please read it al!! Keep in mind that even though he is out of the A--they still apply, because he's not committed to the M. Also, there is this new situation w/ the woman from your work.Plan A & B

Another thing, please, please give Steve Harley a call to set up a session. He can give you step by step, PROFESSIONAL direction as to how to go about things at this point in time, not to mention the excellent counseling he will give you. The # is :1-888-639-1639

***If anyone knowledgeable with Plan B is reading this--Depending on albany's state laws--can/should she seek a legal separation, in conjuction with a Plan B in order to get CS, etc.?***

My best to you, al.

~ad

I can't do a NC completely not right now with the way things are--it is not possible until we sell that house. I have not where to move to with two dogs, two cats and two outdoor cats. I can do very limited contact.

I know not the same but i will tell you that when I do that it works but I never keep it up for longer than two weeks and it needs to be longer I will do like I did last fall which NC except when he picked up son--I would have it all ready and go to the other room and he would pick him up and leave.

I'm also now making him take our son overnight which he has done only twice by hinself since end of jan. He has taken him out of town to his parent s for a couple of days but that isn't the same as having by yourself and being the sole care giver. I will make him do that now--haven't yet and I have to know. I know he hated that when I made him do that starting last Aug. after he was done working 7 days a week which use to do in the summer at his old job.

He admitted it last fall that it sucked and he didnt' want to raise our son that way and I guess he needs to start seeing life as it will be when we are sep.

So, I know you don't like it but I will do it what I can to come close to NC--already doing that and it is killing him.

He called last night on his way to work to confirms plans with our son for tonight--didn't really need to and I gave him the brush off and of course had some lame excuse to call later and now I have started to ignore the phone calls.

I want my M more than the house but you see we would end up renting again and be stuck that way for a few years because my parents won't buy a house in their name for us again and with him having a personal bankruptcy onhis credit to protect himself from the business debt he had from our old business we will would be stuck--I'm trying to protect a home we got at a bargain and couldn't rebuy right now for even close to what we paid two years ago.

So if it ends in a D with this limited contact fine I'm doing what I can do and I'm trying to keep the house anyway so I don't want to sell it.

Harp on me all you want aut but some people's situation don't lend themselves to NC. Things can work without doing PB--all I can do is begin to move on without and that will help show him the light.

Sorry I won't do complete NC right now--call stupid--I don't care--it will get almost NC but there will be a little.

Like I said I'm beginning to get him where I want him with limited contact. I have gone dark except that he can use our shop--he can tell I'm going dark and it is already spooking him.

Have a great day Aut.

((((albany))))~

I'm sorry you think I'm harping on you. I was worried you would see it that way. That's one of the reasons I took a break of sorts from posting to you. I see you hurting and I sincerely want to reach out and help you. I've read so many stories on here where Plan B ended with the results you want.

You know your M, your situation, and your H better than anyone. I will leave this alone now.

Will still be thinking and praying for you albany. Something about you al, not sure what it is, but from the beginning I thought maybe I could help you. You're a sweetie, and I wish you nothing but the very best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~ad

Aut--I'm okay if it ends up in D--not what I want but I have done a ton already and basically I have gone as dark as I can I'm apllying the 180's--I know you think it isn't good enough but I will have to live with it if it becomes a D.

I thank you for all your support and Aut--trust me I'm doign the best I can right now and I appreciate all your support and advice unfortnately I can't implement it all right now--I will not screw up my parents credit because of this and that means dealing with my H a little.

Aut--I don't see it as harping but you have to understand can easily explain to everyone here how complicated of a web we have woven--there are a few more pieces--I could force him out and then he won't contributee anything to hous epaument which would be not as big a deal if it wasn't my parents name--I won't foul up there credit and between them and me we could make it except right now they arein the process of refinancing their property to build a huge barn and shop so they don't have money to spare--I guess I'm saying there is so much complications right now that are making NC not workable--last year this time I could have forced him into NC but did very LC now I can't I don't have the cards I did.

I always appreciate your support more than you know--and I haven't posted a ton about my situation lately because I can't do what you all think I should and so I don't say much about what is going on and honestly Aut I lay awake at night trying to figure out NC method for last few days and have came up with what I can do and like I said--as of yesterday LC was doing wonders--hey I was proud of making him take our son overnight for two nights in a row where he has to be the sole provider for our son.

I'm taking some steps Aut and I know you have always felt my M has a chance and we have a special bond between us but I'm doign what I can trust me. Have done a ton of MB reading on Affairs and recovery and just restoring love and I so see my M as workable and you know what if it ends I will be okay and my exH will repeat and repeat because he things a marriage that is right and meant to be isn't WORK--a marriage that is right shouldn't take any work. WHATEVER

LOVE YOU AUT