How often do you find you and your spouse talking about the pregnancy/baby/child?

I find myself avoiding conversation about the pregnancy and I can tell my wife feels akward talking about the pregnancy with me.

We have been going on with normal daily stuff and really don't talk about the subject. We aren't going to be able to avoid it for long.

Is this normal? Should we have a daily discussion about the pregnancy? How often do you bring the topic up with your spouses? Does the topic then lead to the details of the affair, the other person, or even a fight?

I know avoiding it isn't healthy, but I'm not sure I want to talk about it every day for the rest of my life. It's bad enough that it's all I think about day and night. I already feel obsessed about it in a way and I don't know if talking about it would make that better or worse.

We are in MC, but have only had 3 sessions and I just thought about this subject this morning. Our next MC session isn't until Wednesday and I thought I'd ask those of you here how you handle the topic for discussion and how often you actually talk about it with your spouse.

Thanks in Advance.

NewHere37

Hi NH37,

I really don't know what to tell you. I talked about it with my H all the time , but he was unwilling to talk about it. This was because he was still having an affair with her ( I had no idea). I continued to talk about it because we never got anything resolved or even half way discussed about the issue. It did hurt to always bring it up, but if it was on my mind 24/7 then I may as well talk about it. He was reluctant to do so because it always started a fight. My fight was the fact that he was not giving me any type of info or any of his plans for our future.

In your case I am not sure, but if your wife wants to talk about it maybe you should. Does she want to talk about the future plans between the two of you or does she want to reassure you that she is devoted to you only? I think you both may have more important topics to discuss concerning this child. You need to know where you stand and where she stands on the whole thing. Is the OM going to be involved in this childs life? If so are you going to be able to deal with that for the rest of your life. I hope you have considered that fact!

I hope your wife has considered that fact as well. How involved does she want OM to be or does she want the two of you to be mommy and daddy forever. Does OM know about the pregnacy? Is it wise to tell him if you plan on raising the child as your own? There are so many variables to what you are asking, but I think you should think very long and hard. Discussions with your wife are very important right now, and the answers determine the future of your M.

You have got a lot of work to do so I suggest you don't waste any time.

Talk to you later,

JT

Newhere, is your wife preg by xOP, or is your xOP pregnant? Obviously, that makes a difference.

Your marriage and affair-recovery work is, in many ways, more important that the pregnancy. Do you have any affair-recovery books, stuff to work on to rebuild trust? Have you read the MB principles for good marriages? Taken the great questionaires?

Another factor is personalities. You sound outgoing, while your W might be more introverted. Anyway, introverts and extroverts handle things differently... in that extroverts need to talk things through out loud, while introverts seem to need to process things in their head before they speak.

I need to go now, but I hope you get other interesting views. There's no "one way" for everyone. It's a very tramatic time, as affairs are very painful for a marriage.

Good luck in recovery, maybe more later,
Jenny, 6y successful recovery

I read in "Surviving Infidelity" that one approach is to pick one day a week...i.e Sunday, to talk about the A. Although the book did not directly deal with children born out of an A, it was very helpful to me initially (I am the BS). Establishing a day out of the week allows you to not focus on it until that day and also enables both spouses to articulate their feelings and ask questions without being thrown off balance. Totally avoiding the topic I believe is unhealthy because most likely one (if not both) of you will be internalizing their emotions which may be subject to blow at anytime. Talking about it everyday takes away from you trying to rebuild your marriage. If you are constantly focused on what caused the bump when do you have time to cherish what you love about that person to make you want to fight for your M.

So maybe picking a day will allow you to initially set up the conversations to occur. Both my H & I brought the subject of the OC up at different times because we both needed someway to work through this and work through it together verses apart.

I hope this helps. Good Luck!

Newhere..

You have touched on a subject that I have often thought of posting myself!

I have no good advice for you really, other than to share with you my experience. I am BS whose H's OC who was born in January, and we have NC.

My experience is this.... I cannot bring myself to discuss this topic whatsoever. The words come to my brain.. but they cannot pass my lips. I just cannot bring myself to even utter "her" name (OW) and I have not once uttered the name of the child. I worry me.

I think my inability to discuss or bring this up and avoiding the thought of them all together is not so heathy. I believe I am trying to push the subject(s) out of my mind so far that I can somehow make them nonexistent... As I said, I worry me.

Now, talking excessively is not good either. I think as others have said, you must keep A and OC talk to a minimum for yours and your spouse's sake. She is feeling so many strange things along with you, that it is hard to talk about. But you obviously have a major issue on your hands since your wife is growing and the elephant in the room will grow too.

If you are staying w/her, etc... I mean-- do you acknowledge her belly- touch it- I just sympathise w/you .. how hard it must be. The female BS is so much "better" off (cough cough) because we don't actually see this every day. Your W and you must not avoid talking- but you have to accept her or leave her. If you stay you cannot reconcile by ignoring her belly- not talking of the child or pregnancy, etc... A woman needs this during this time and it must be very hard for her also to have no emotional support in her home. DON'T get me wrong-- oh how I know what you are feeling and needing!!!! I guess my point is, that you are in a tough spot to avoid the subject!!!

It all comes down to whether or not you WANT to reconcile, and I gather you are not sure. If you are going to reconcile, you have much constructive talking to do- very much.... so go at it gently w/her and in a caring way cause there is no other way to handle a reconciliation with a pregnant wife, is there?

Sorry not much help- but just a little input dear. As I said, I feel great that I don't need or want to talk about OW or OC at all- and only when the court dates arrived did I even fumble any words out of my mouth about the Ow/OC and it was a very short conversation. I bet my H loves this- but I'm not sure it is very healthy. I keep telling myself it is just for this year or so. Things are going good and I am allowing myself to only concentrate our our M and family.

(hugs)...