I read another post where someone commented that her husband hates the OC and refers to it as a "bug" that is around, but you can deal with it.


That comes from someone who doesn't live with the OC. I'm going to have to live with the OC since it is my wife having the baby.

I'm getting mixed messages here. It seems like since it's my wife having the OC, I should accept it and work on our marriage and support her. I get the feeling if it were me that had the OC, I would be told to ditch the child and work on my marriage; that if my wife did not want to deal with the OC it would be fully supported here. But I am supposed to accept my wife's OC???

Is my wife going to hate her child because it's an OC and has caused me pain, just as your husbands do? Is it going to be a "bug" in our home?

I don't know. The more I read here, the more confused I get. Maybe it's because my situation doesn't seem to apply to the majority here. From what I read, you are mostly wives who have husbands that fathered a child outside of marriage. The rules appear very different when it is the wife who brings the child into the marriage, into my home and into my life. If I want my marriage to work, I have to accept it, we can't "exterminate" the bug so to speak.

I'm still in limbo about my marriage. We are in MC right now. I'm here for more information but I read a constant "No Contact" theme; it works for everyone except me. I am supposed to accept it, and welcome the bug into my home.

Can anyone explain this to me?

Do you and your wife have children of your own?

Does your wife plan on keeping the child or giving the OC up for adoption?

I would not be able to handle it in your situation but I do know of a friend and a relative that are women that have given birth to other mens children in the marriage. In both instances the men accepted the other child as long as the bio father is not in the picture, which they are not.

How do you really feel about it would it be best for you to not have the child in your marriage? Would you like for your wife to give the child up?

Yes, I would like her to give this child up for adoption. I suppose it is probably harder for a woman to leave a child than a man. I haven't really discussed this with her. I've thought about asking her to give it up, but not sure how she will respond to that.
We do not have any children, and I like it that way. I have freedom. I don't want to be tied down, much less with some other man's child.
And yes, the father does want to be involved. I have the feeling that if I were to be placed on the birth certificate (since we are married, that will happen)that he would take us to court to get that changed. He is adament about being involved in the child's life.
So not only will I have to deal with the OC on a daily basis, but I will have to deal with the OM too.

OK so you and your wife decided NOT to have children when you married?

I would suggest that if you feel that way -childfree marriage- you ask your wife if she would consider it?

Maybe she is afraid to bring it up in fear of hurting you or triggering you.

Maybe she would consider giving the child to the other man to raise.
I know being a woman that has had children I would find it very hard , but then again I have always wanted children. My sister on the other hand gave her first born child to my mom and me to raise and never really had contact for about five years. SO not all women are the same born with the maternal instinct.

Now you may feel differently once the child is born-HOW long before that happens?

IN case you didn't know the law is on your side in this situation. YOU have all rights to the child as the husband and if you do feel differently and want to be the childs father and your wife agrees , YOU are legally the father and the other man can do whatever he wants and try as much as he wants but depending on the state you live in, there wont be much he can do.

I can give you specifics on this, if this is somehting you wish to pursue.
BUT you and you alone will be the legal father and thats financially as well. (I read the other post about CS from the other man.)

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Cordelia ]</small>

NH37,

Hey I read the post and know that you must be feeling pretty lonely right about now. I do understand your feeling this way because most of us are women who are having to deal with the OC. This does effect our lives as well as yours, but differently. If we decided on C we could still send the OC home to mommy where they live. You on the other hand will be with this child day in adn day out. If you feel the way you do about being tied down with children; meanwhile wanting to keep your freedom this might not be the situation for you.

Although you are already in it and can't not choose diffirently, you need to decided what is best for you and your M. If that is what you really want of course? You still have to talk to your wife FIRST!! She might be willing to give OC up ( I don't really see that happening )! There is no way to know until you TWO have explored all of your options TOGETHER!!

I know you feel lost, but those questions should really be answered before any other steps are taken - if they aren't you both might be going off half cocked not knowing what could have happened. Don't keep listening to other people until you have a talk with your WIFE!

I am not trying to depress you or anything but you have got to get up off of the couch and do something. Your wife is probably taking her cues from you. You need to discuss with her what you are willing to accept and what you are not.

Remember even though we are women we are not saying that the H should be sooo forgiving when it happens to them either. The wife has to be able to do all she can to make her M work also. She in your case is the one that made the mistake and ulotimately must work very hard at keeping it together if that's what she wants.
I am not telling you to roll over, but you need to get everything out in the open for discussion no matter how hard it may be - for either of you!!

I hope I am helping out here and not confusing you more. Oh yeah, make sure to discuss your feelings on OM being involved in OC's life. If you don't want it you need to be honest with her about your feelings. Don't cheat yourself!

Sorry for rambling on and on, but I hope it helped. Read up more on the site!


JT

Hello Newhere! I have so much to say regarding your post, but I can't write till later. But was wondering how long since d-day?

Talk to you tomorrow if you are around!

Gia

If you're adament @child-free life, you will probably have a hard time accepting OC. Children require 24hr loving consistant care for years: HUGE change! I cannot imagine an OC being the first child within a marriage intent on being "child-free" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> AND a xom intent on involvement to boot?!!

These things ARE surmountable, but would require selflessness that it doesn't sound like you have or want?? Not to minimize your legit pain of betrayal, but being honest to your honest.

There ARE men who have successfully accepted OC and rebuilt their M, and a couple, like Pops, sued xom for childsupport and deals w/visitation. Men don't post as often nor usu. as long as women.

Most here are betrayed W and you're right, that's totally different. Xow usu.has full custody, and visitation w/ XOP is often UGLY and risks re-starting A. However, many no-contact betrayed wives say they would accept OC if only XOP could be cut out somehow.

Betrayed men HAVE that option: cut out XOP!
But don't stay in M if it means treating your OC badly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Why would that poster's H take visitation if he hates (he really "hates"?!) OC?! It surely isn't helping OC!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jenny--6y recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ; recent OC visitation; major soft spot for kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

I think you are reading things the wrong way. Like Jenny said, when the H fathers a child with another woman, the OW and OC are part of a package so it is very difficult for a BW to accept the OC mainly because his mother, the OW, is going to be a constant and potentially dangerous presence in her and her H's lives. The same is not true with the OM because the OC is not going to go live with him but with his mother, the FWW. The laws in most states say that a child born in a marriage is the H's child irregardless of whether the H is its biological parent. These two factors [FWW has physical custody of OC and the marriage laws in most states] make it easier to remove the OM from the scene and eliminate him as a constant and dangerous presence to the marriage.

Nobody but you can decide whether or not you want to raise the OC as your own. But once you make a decision you are going to have to stick to it otherwise you may end up harming an innocent child.

New,

Sorry that you have been getting mixed messages from us. Yes, you are right we are mostly BW's dealing with WH's OC but we are here to help everyone.

TooMuchCoffee summed it up very well and I really don't have much more to add. Talk to your wife about the options you two have. Adoption is a good choice if you both want a child free life. If you and your wife decided to raise the child as your own and do not want OM to have that active of a role in the child's life that is your choice not OM's.

No matter what the two of you decide you need to think about how you feel. Is this something you can and are willing to accept. Can you accept OC but not OM in it's life? Could you not accept OC at all? For me, I could have accepted OC but OW was another story. Plus, my H has not attempted to removed OW from the equation to my liking. He is way to willing to pasify her at my expense and that I could not deal with.

Hopefully Pops will pop in, there is some great advice there. August also has some great observations to share.

Good luck.

Hello NewHere37,

I think you already know the answer to your question, but you need a little encouragement, or you need confirmation to feel that you are doing the right thing....well, sorry to be so blunt, but I say cut your loses now...it is clear that you are not very fond of children...let alone OM's child from YOUR W...why deal with all of that if you really don't have to??? Yes, you may feel that u are being selfish...and you are being selfish, but the bottom line is u r looking out for your best interest right now....Your W & OM were not thinking about u when they were having the A, so.... Since OM is so adamant in letting it be known that he wants to be a part of this childs life...I say that is the icing on the cake...let it go, and move on. Hey, let's be honest, if its not for you, its not for u, and you won't be doing the OC any service by not being able to give the love & support that a child needs...so just know that u are doing the right thing by being honest with yourself, and how you really feel.

I don't think you are getting mixed messages here as much as you are misunderstanding everyone's different perspectives.

IF you choose to stay in your marriage-------then people here are telling you what would most likely be the easiest way to deal w/ all of this & that would be to raise OC as your own & give OM the boot!

IF you do not want to raise OC as your own but stay married-then you have other choices to make----WW keeps OC & OM is a consistent prescence in ALL of your lives FOREVER. This can delay not only your own healing but that of your marriage as well.

If you prefer to stay married but w/o OC @ all then that is something you will not have much of a choice in since this impending birth & what to do about it is completely up to your WW. So your ww may wish to keep the OC & then you will choose to end the marriage.

ALL of these options will need to thouroughly be discussed w/ your ww.

*************
*************
It is not a double standard between BW & BH, it is different for everyone. But a BW & WH do not have as much rights and say about OC as a WW & BH, so the options & struggles are somewhat different.

None of us are telling you what to do---only you can decide that for yourself. WE can only give our opinions from our own experience.

A BH w/ OC will have much more legal protection over/about OC than BW. BH will even have legal protection as to his fatherly rights......no such thing for a BW. BW do not even have legal protection for her own children of the marriage--even if they were born first, before OC, unless she gets divorced or separates.

So if you want to talk double standard-well then go ahead---we can take a look @ the legal system for starters. And since you are MARRIED to WW--the legal system will work in your favor regarding OC if you so choose. (unless you get D after OC born then a simple paternity test w/ establish that you are not responsible)

I hope you can find the peace within yourself to heal & restore your marriage. Or @ least find the peace you desire in whatever path this journey takes you on.

37,,,,,,,,,,,,,, welcome and sorry to see you find reason in your life to be on this site.

i am 3 years into this and am raising the oc and we are making it work with the om having vistaion and paying cs. i have a large family with small ones of my own still in the house.

others have given you some good advice and possed some good questions for you to answer in regard to what YOU feel YOU can deal with.

some facts are that in most states you will be considered the father and om will have an uphill battle proving otherwise without the help of you or your w.

you can love the child if you can separate the child from the om and look on the oc for his/her own value and realize that he/she is completely innocent.

you have the choice to not deal with the oc but if your w is not capable of placing the oc for adoption then your option becomes separation or divorce.

NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE TO SIT DOWN AND GET ALL YOUR FEELINGS OUT IN THE OPEN. NO MATTER HOW EACH OF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT HURTING EACH OTHER. YOU BOTH NEED TO BE HONEST RIGHT NOW OR YOUR FUTURE TOGETHER WILL BE DOOMED ANYWAY.

NH37,

From this WW's pov, I don't believe that your W will hate the OC, unless you make her feel as if she should hate the OC. Other's have already given you some wonderful advice. You and your W really need to sit down and discuss whether this child should/will be given up for adoption, or if your W just won't be able to do that. Neither choice is an easy one, having made both myself! You need to look deep down in your heart and decide what you can truly handle. From all your posts, it really does sound as if you don't want any children, and that comment about freedom being taken away, maybe you need to express that to your W.

Good luck in which ever path you decide to take.

Tigger