Okay JT2--you are worrying me--no word from you during the week--that is a bit unusual.

Hope all is well--let us know how YOU are.

Hi JT,

How are you doing? I also care about you.

Hi ALL,

Well have been missing in action this past week due to work at my firm. Sorry i could not contact you girls no access my computer at home has been on the fritz or something with my service. I hope to get it corrected this week and will post my updates on SXF.

I don't know what has been going on on that site, but I see that something has. I hope you all are okay and thanks for protecting our privacy - that's why we started it in the first place or so I thought. Thanks KT, and Stacia for speaking up for all of us girls.

I hope that each of you are doing well and have been okay this past week.
I hve nothing new to report other than doing well and H keeps on calling me.

H is so busy wondering about what I am doing and who it is with until he can't see straight. He keeps telling me that I am going out alot since he's been gone or he wants to know if I am seeing anybody? He claims that he heard that I was ( which we all know is a lie ). he just can't stand the fact that I and the kids now have a life that does not involve or revolve around him. He feels bad that he is now excluded when it comes to our family and the time we spend together. The funny thing is he was never their really before anyway, work was always more important, and he obviously found time to be with OW, just not us.

He asked me how we were going to make this right and I told him I was not going to do anything. He needed to prove his love for us not the other way around. I told him that I did not even want to talk to him anymore about any future plans nor would I even consider talking to him about us until he did three major things first: Have DNA testing done/completed/w results, Legally give up his paternal rights to OC if it is his, and Legally give up all visitation and contact both ways NC between all patries H/OW/OC. He agreed!
Surprisingly he agreed, but hey that could just be all talk.

I figure this would be a good start on his behalf, because I know that I do not want to live with this OW/OC hanging in the balance or H being involved with them in any way for the rest of my life. I don't want to live like that. Some of you may say that it is selfish and harsh, but I did not cause this situation and I do not live want to live with this. Since I know my H to be liar I want him to do it legally so she/OW fully understand where he is on this whole thing - this should give her a clear picture that he wants his wife and kids. If he has no intention on doing this then I know that he has no intention on letting her go.

I think I have thought this thing through and am well on my way to goin on with my D. I do not believe my H will complete this task at all. I think he's just all talk, but it will not work any longer on me. I told him that I did not want to hear from him again until it was done, and that I would proceed with the D until I get notification from him that it is completed/not started but finished.

CS should also be set up for her - no if's and or buts, about it!

Did I sound okay? Even if I didn't this is what I need to feel secure in knowing that he is serious this time, he gets no fourth chance to spit in my face when it comes to our family or this OW/OC. they have no place in my life and I have no place for them in it!

So how ever he falls off the fence no matter what side he falls on I am okay with that!! I am going to be fine either way! I am living life and loving it and so are the kids!

Love ya all,


JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi JT,

You sound so strong. I am so happy for you. You give me hope. I need to be as strong as you.

Good to hear from you JT2. Glad that you are doing well and I think that the way you are dealing with your H is exactly what you need to do. Good JOB!

I haven't been posting much on MB lately--just a few things are annoying me and so I have let up.


I will edit post after a bit to delete e-mail.

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: albany ]</small>

Let me know if you got my email addy.

okay, I got it so you can delete it now!

JT

Talk to you soon! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Glad to hear that all is well with you for the most part.

Missed you last week--stay strong-you are doing well.

HUGS

J2

Oh girl I am SOOOOO relieved that you ARE starting to LIVE AGAIN! Oh I LOVE being married - but Oh I LOVED having my own place for a loooong time before marriage!! I was like you, J2- NEVER ALONE cause we have the love of our children to keep us busy. You just keep on with your little J2 nest- enjoying your tv shows, your favorite DINNERS or NONE AT ALL! LOL!

Isn't it just AMAZING the fresh air that starts entering your life when you leave all of those wacky problems of H's WITH H-including OW. Oh those two are headed for "killing" each other.. it won't be long. But WHO CARES- YOU GOT YOU AND THOSE BABIES TO WORRY ABOUT!!

HUGS J2- keep inspiring the others here with your stength- even if its "pretend" strength at times!!

Quick threadjack

Gio~glad to have around again and wanted to tell you that I'm painting 1 wall in my great room this weekend red--I think it was you who talked about painting the H etc. and moving on with things like that which end scaring the H's.

Anywho--just wanted to say glad you are back.

THANKS G123,

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU , BUT CAN'T RIGHT NOW - LATER.


JT

Hope all is OKAY JT. Thinking of you.

Hi Albany,

I just needed to talk to someone. I got another call from my H today begging to come home. I asked him about giving up his parental rights/visitation to OC and having DNA done when he called me on Sunday. He agreed, quickly because he said that he loved his family and now realizes that he has done the unthinkable.

He claims that he loves us so and would do this to keep his family, he claims that he realizes that this is not what he wanted and that he doesn't think GOd will bless him for what he has done to his family. I agreed.

My problem is I do not believe a word that he's saying to me! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I have heard it al before so to speak. I want to believe him because I love him soooo still! What the heck do I do? I really don't believe that he'll ever really give her up. He still lives with her right now. I bet she has no clue that he is trying to get home to me and our kids. Is he lying or what? Do people of his background have the ability to really change? I just don't know and am afraid to even hope for it.

I think I am losing my mind - even though I have made a new start for myself without him why has he started calling me? He saw me the other day when I was dropping off the kids for his visit with them. I was late getting to my grandmothers so he was able to get a glimpse of me when I arrived and left.

Could he be serious - I don't trust him? If he does not do whast I ask I know that he doesn't want to hurt her or if he does I feel that he will sneak and lie to me about the whole thing if I let him back. I can't win for losing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Please help someone tday is a hard day and I am full of doubts and concerns. I think looking at my son not wanting to leave his father on the visit the other night has me shaken up also!!!

JT <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

oooh shoot girl.. I KNOW WHAT you are going thru- felt it all again reading this!

You get your place,freedom and a little proud of yourself a little YOU GO GIRL feeling...

AND THEN THIS! UGH. Same thing happened to me. Well, I have the house IN MY NAME ONLY... I have all my things set up and painted like I LOVE.. all MINE and so proud and getting used to it, though lonely for my family and missing H about 50% of the time. And then I realized that his pouring on the love- I DESERVED and I wanted to soak it up and give it back. If he f'ed up at ALL he was SO OUT- and not bickering over stuff- my place is MINE.

I showed how strong I was after SO long- and thats what he needed to see again. He fell head over heels w/me again cuz I was doing for ME and being ALL THAT again. So the rest is history.

HOWEVER, J2, I had to do a HUGE 180 myself and truly promise myself to do all I could to show him "untainted" love again. I had to do the plan a thing! Ick! Not ME, no way- I'm a freak- I'll KILL him first I thought. But it actually wound up coming natural cause I was so happy to ALLOW myself to love him again without hate under my skin. I quit giving him my smart a** comments and foaming mouth and also showed my support for him.
It was hard, but the payoff was QUICK and SWEET!

- all along, though, I played hard to get- and with your H a month IS a long time! I didnt act needy - just "cool" like I am with other people. He reciprocated 100% and its been smooth sailing (with a couple storms) since early May. I am lapping up the attention, and involved in the thigns I love outside of him/family.

Also most important now, is that just like me I had to tell allow H to make the decision on OC while letting him know that I probably do not want to live w/all the damage and OC the rest of my young life (i'm 32). I didn't want to be the cause of a child not having a father- I couldnt live with that. I also could not live with him having NC because he wanted it but could not hurt me. He made the decision w/o a demand from me- that was my only condition. He had already made up his mind though. Just make sure you don't force him at anytime cause he will resent it somewhere down the line. Its not our right to take that away, we just have to leave it to God.

SOOO... that was my story basically. I gave it to you cause you and H's situation is SO identical. And to boot J2 - as I said before I can only imagine having 2 tiny ones! God love you. You were so STRONG much more than me, with those 2 babies. He is living w/OW too- you are amazing and don't change that if you can never be happy GENUINELY and forgive and accept H is back... and also,I think its a little too soon. You definitely cannot change any STATUS yet...

I'm sorry for so much rambling, but I KNOW EXACTLY what you are dealing with!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

hug to you - we are all here for you!!

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 06:17 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Jt--make a plan--set some rules--no living with OW, counseling, start not NC papers, DNA etc. make him do those things before he is allowed to move home.

My warning is just don't let him move back in--he needs to work for this and so you he means it all.

Chin up girl. So proud of you.

Hey girls,

Thanks fro the thoughts on my situation. I do have some other concerns if you don't mind gving me some input on them as well.

My H is only talking about coming home (G123). He has not really made any definate moves toward doing anything about OW/OC. He was suppose to call me last night to discuss what he plans on doing about this whole mess. I got no call no email no nothing. If we ( his family ) were so important as he claims what could keep him from the conversation with me on last night. I do not think he is serious.

I also do not want to live my life with OC/OW in it at all. I don't want my children to have contact I don't want to hurt myself or my kids by this one little bit. This mess is awful and I don't deserve this. I don't feel like he is being truly honest with himself about this whole thing. I don't think he's even being honest with me about it He has not after all this time.

I have been going through this 1 year on Friday ( since discovering the A) and I have not had one happy day since. I still constantly talk about it daily all day and all night to who ever will listen. I know that everyone is getting tired of me, but I just don't know how to get past it. I don't believe him or in him that he is willing to do the right thing for me and our kids. I can not stand the fact that they could be hurt or even scared by this whole thing.

No matter how we may fool ourselves this type of thing is going to efffect our children's behavior and feelings about themselves and others. I never wanted to be in a broken family and never wanted to raise my kids in one without their father, but what choice do I have? I do not trust him. I am afraid to even go there! I can not sacrifice my happiness and my childrens happiness and peace od mind for the lies that he continues to tell me.

I bet OW has no clue that he is even trying to get his family back. They are probably living over there with her three other children and OC living in bliss. He says that he does not want to raise anyone elses children and is not getting along with them at all, but that's what he wanted.

He says that I throw it up in his face constantly, but I don't know what else to do I have no other thoughts except it. After all this time it still consumes me. I pray and I pray, but I feel as though I am praying in vain. How could I ask the Lord for help when I can not even forgive. I have not gotten past it.

I am an emotinal wreck right now. and don't forget the restraining order it limits or contact. I think i want the dreams of what I want in a H and family and the dreams of what I thought I had in him are not the same. what if he knows nothing other than what he's doing to me right now? What do I do?

I am just a basket case!!

I did not give him the option of what he wanted to do about OC - I am forcing NC I guess because I feel like he owes it to me to do what I want him to do, but is that right? I know what I want to live with and what I don't want to live with and OC in my life in any shape or form is not what I want to live with. So I guess I just answered my own question huh! Just to let it go, but can I really live with that as well?

Conflicted!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

JT

J2-

OF COURSE you are still obsessed with this-- not much has CHANGED, but only GOTTEN worse. What has been resolved or stopped happening in your M or life that WOULD make one happy? There is nothing wrong with your forgiving skills. H never spent any length of time for ANY human being to heal, change or forgive- he kept on.

He is still fence sitting and hiding YOU as if YOU are the OW. No human being would be okay.

But now you do have a choice to be ok- and YOU MADE IT basically already.

Why are you wavering? What has changed? H "talked" some more without action? Nothing has changed aside from J2 getting a hold of HER LIFE and HER BABIES and made a safe nest for them.

There IS no new criteria, right?

My whole rambling post was on the notion that HE WAS PACKED AND READY TO COME HOME IF YOU SAID "YES"..... but now I see it is not so!!!!

J2- you stick w/your guns- you MADE THE HARDEST move so far- so what else is scaring you. If you KNOW YOU can NEVER live with OC- and after all you've been through with OW- WHO THE HECK CAN BLAME YOU (besides foggy OW)????

If H's true heart's desire IS and still ALWAYS WILL be to know OC (and that is his child- and his right- but unforunately ALSO part of the hurt that shakes down to BSs and her kids if she stays).

S0 IF HE DOES ever come home- you know you can't live with this. And you are NOT WRONG for that!!!!

So.. so far here is what we have...

H is living w/OW
H is not backing up his words
H is still lying to you and OW
H wants contact now and is living with OC- but
not in the future cause of you, yet he is getting closer to this child every day now

At this point in time, unless something MAJOR falls from the sky- why are you any more torn than you were before you made your move?

Luv you girl-- this is SO darn tormenting- our minds and our hearts DO NOT AGREE ALWAYS- its aweful.

G123,

You are so right he has only still said words - nothing really has changed. IMO I have not really cvhanged either. He claims that his bags are packed and waitng to get the go ahead to come home. he states he would have already been home except I have a restraining order to keep him away from the house.

But you are so right he claims that he does not stay over there with them a lot he has been living in hotels and is at her house when she is out of town on her job which is at least three to four days a week.

He claims that he has all the receipts to show me this is ture. He tells my grandmother that all he wants to do is come home to his wife and kids. He told me that he does not believe that GOD will bless him if he keeps doing this to his family. He realizes that we are what's important to him and he wants to be with us, but again who do I believe. I can not believe or trust him until I see some definate change and I have not so far. GHe claims that he does not bond with the child and that they argue about that, He says he can not bond with the child because he feels that that is what is keeping him from his family. But do I believe that - NO! I want to believe him but dont. I do not think he realizes the magnitude of what he has done and what effect it is having on all of our lives. I do know that it tears his heart out not to be able to be with our kids. I know that when they are screaming and crying when they leave him on their visits it tears his heart out, because it tears mine out.

But there is nothing I can do - I did not put us here and I can not get us out of it!

JT

So Jt2--you have done the hard part as Gio states.

So give him a list of things you need and tell him if he is serious then he will start acting on these things and when you guys and a Counsoler feel that you guys again have a healthy relationship that deems him moving back in then he can move back in--but IMO he needs to start doing the things on your list before you guys can live together again--not saying that you can't work on the M while not living together but he hasn't done anything--he could set up appt. with C and he could live in rental etc.

Loves

I agree with you Albany, I need to see some action from him to show that he's serious.

JT

Hey where's all of our other girls, have they left or something is there something I need to know. Where's KrisM, BBYG, Sunny, KT, NIOSG,and so on. What did I miss last week. Is everyone posting on SXF. I will get my internet checked out tonight and try to log on.