Hi, I am new to this site and I am so happy I found it. I finally feel like I'm not alone in what I am going through. This is my story. A little over one year ago my husband had a week long affair with a 21 y/o co-worker at a company convention. There was alot of drinking and get-togethers.....Things happened and it ended quickly. He finally told me about it 9 months later...guess why! I was floored. I didn't believe him....I thought he was joking. My H comes from a family that was torn apart by his fathers cheeting so he has always felt rather strong about it. Anyway, the OW had the baby a week after my H told me.
We are doing O.K now, its been almost 6 months. We truly love each other and have 3 children (B 9,G 6, B 3) and we really want to make the marrige work.
My problem now is the OC. Initally I was for NC and so was my husband. But about a month ago he started to have problems with that decision because he saw pictures of the baby on her desk(he has to walk by it at work) So, now we are going for joint custody. She has just started the paperwork for support and there will be a P test.
Has anyone gone through this....? The OW is now 22 and very young (I am 34 and H is 36) I don't know what to tell people (friends/neighbors) I have only told a couple of people as it is, my parent don't even know. What do we tell our children about this child. I have a very smart 9 y/o.
My H is just very torn as to what he can live with...He just doesn't think he can abandon this child. It would be alot easier for me though.....

Any thoughts, advice, whatever.....I need it!

Hi,

I would like to welcome you to Marriage Builders, but sorry you are here. You will get a lot of advise from others going through similar stuff. Anyhow, I think your husband and you need to agree on what you do. If you decide on contact, you need to go with husband to pick up child, or have a third party you trust go with him. I think it is bad that he works with OW. Could he change jobs or get a transfer so he don't work with OW. Contact is hard as you will see from reading other posts. Some people try and it does not always work. OW usually don't want her child around BS. BS doesn't want WH around OW. And WH just want to see OC. So you can see the problem this creates.

Sharijoan,

Well, the advice I have to offer is of the MB sort. First, have you read any of the Q&A on the site? There is some awesome help there. Also, check into any of the books suggested as well. Second, have you two been in any type of counseling? If not, check out the Harley's(there is a number to call here on the site). If you can't afford them, check into counselors who are familiar with the MB consepts, and they can help coach you both through this process and help keep your M intact. Third, with concern to your family, well they should take your lead as to what to do. Everyone makes mistakes, no matter how big or small. If you have forgiven your H, then they need to follow your lead. As for the kids, talk with a counselor specifically for them and work on a plan for how to tell them about the OC.

Finally, for the joint custody, do all your research now! Find out what it will intail, and make sure that the joint custody is what you both want. Use the POJA(policy of joint agreement) to make any decisions together that affect your M! As for experience for your specific situation, I hope that those who have been there will be along soon! How old is the OC? That also has a lot to do with how to explain it to the kids.

Good luck,

Tigger

Sj, like the others here have told you that I am so sorry for your family going though all of this. But we are glad you found us and that we are here for you. Read everything here on this site and remember you are a team. You have made your mind up to be M and stay M and that should come first and formost. As you read here contact is not an easy task and EVERYTHING needs to be legal. Cover ALL of your bases and expect anything to happen. Since there was no emotional attachment to the OW this may make it easier. I don't know. We are doing papers now and haven't heard back from the ow so I really cant tell you what will happen. I know we are a team on everything and H has kept me first and our family is first! Our D is 11 and she is very reserved, so after we told her she really has not spoken that much to her father, and that hurts. She talks to me about it and most I keep to myself and just let her talk and confort her that me and her dad are working on staying together. That is her greatest fear that we will not be together as a family. So it is up to you and H to make sure that this is what you want. Its not good to start and stop the C for any of the children. Prayers are w/ you and be honest w/ yourself on this subject and your H. It can be done! But only if you are a team.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi
Thanks for the advice so far. I wish my husband could transfer for something but in the area we live in there are not alot of software jobs left, and I don't think she would go anywhere (although she is only in customer service, alot of jobs in that field) Would make it alot easier though if we did choose NC, that way H would not have to see pictures ect...makes it alot harder.
Also have another recent deliema. Since we have so far decided to have C, the OW has asked my H to be a part of the baptism. I am catholic and evidently so is she.....I told my H that I would have to go with him and I only wanted him there as a observer only. He told her this and she said that she would not be comfortable with this and that this is not about me. Unbelievable huh?
Well, now she told H that I could come but he would have to participate in the service. I don't know if I can handle seeing him with her and this child together, like they are a couple....Don't know what the best thing to do is.....
By the way the OC is 5 months.

Hi,

I would tell your husband that you do not agree to this. If there is no emotional attachment then this should not be a problem. It would make it look like they are a couple and that is just wrong. Do not agree for him to do this. Stick with your original offer. You and husband go as a team as observers only. Husband needs to be standing with you not her.

Welcome, sorry you are here but you are in the right place. There is so much here & many can offer sound advice & opinions but let me just touch on a few things:

FIRST: this whole 'abandonement' issue, uh hello?...H WILL be paying CS for the next 18 years so he WILL be taking responsibility,that is NOT abandonement.

SECOND: this has to be a decision you BOTH can live w/-lots of discussion.

THIRD: Why are they still working together---I think someone already asked this but it would go a loooong way toward your recovery if they did not see each other every day!

FOURTH: this whole baptism thing-------puuhhleeze! WHy don't you go talk to the priest of the church the child is going to be baptized @ & explain the situation--tell him how uncomfortable this would make you feel & how you think it is totally innappropriate, and while you support your H & the baptism of this child, you are uncomfortable w/ OW demanding H be involved----& then the priest can talk to her about it himself & then who is she gonna be mad @?

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Take note of this situation because this is how it will be for the rest of your lives-----OW demanding something---wanting to exclude you, wailing about how this is about OC------blah blah blah blah, wah wah wah, we will tell you this from experience. IT is a common practice--------

Uh ....NO it is not about OC, that comment right there is a BIG red flag----it is about a LOT of things & it would do a lot of good for H to point that out to OW---it is NOT about OC, it is ALSO about YOU, & your children.

I am totally against C. YOu can look up my posts & see just some of the madness my family has gone through over this. I think everyone should take thier part of the consequences and move on w/ thier lives-----

Read on this site about POJA, & everything else you can. Get to a GOOD marriage counselor. You can make it through this honey AND remember you owe OC NOTHING. Yes, your H must be financially responsible but YOU are not responsible for this @ all & do not feel guilty about that either.

Your responsibility is towards your own kids & you do whatever you have to do to protect them from this nightmare! Let those mama bear instincts come out.

Take care honey & hang in there.