H has said several times recently that he still loves me and misses me very much. He said that Sunny's post I sent him made him realize that he made many mistakes.

Just last night he said that I have been acting so cold and distant that it seems that 14 yrs. of marriage does not mean a thing to me. I told him that was not true that even today I love my family. He said I"t seems that you have gotten over us and moved on, I guess I need to do that now. He then asked is that true, are you over us? I responded Yes, kind of. He hung up on me without saying another word.

My question to you all is do I tell him that I have lost a lot of love for him and our M. I really don't want to go back to the M I just left but I would give anything to have a M that I dream about and that we once had. That I want a H that cherishes me, puts me above everyone (except our kids) and will never hurt me...again. That yes I do still love him and our family but my love for him has diminished over the last few weeks. However, there is a chance to get that back if he can be the man I dream of. If he can figure out for himself what to do to make this right. I will not tell him what that is, I have in the past and if he was listening he should know. I need to see him put those things into motion even if there is no certantiy that I will come back. I need to see him go out on a limb in hopes of getting me back. If he is willing to do that then I know he truly loves me. If not, then I would only be going back to what I left and I don't want that.

Should I say this to him? Is it out of line? Am I asking too much of him? Do I deserve to ask for all of this?

Thanks,

Luv - I think you definitely need to be honest with your H and tell him how you feel. Tell him about the M you want and that you will settle for nothing less. Tell him that to make the M work, you both need to change and that you both need to fill each others needs. For too long, he has been neglecting your needs, while you have been trying to meet his - he has made too many withdrawals and not enough deposits in your love bank. That is why you are losing love for him. Do you think he would read the basic concepts or His Needs, Her Needs? He has to be willing to put a lot of work into saving this M and into changing himself. You cannot do that for him. If he is willing, maybe you should try a date night or something? Tell him you are not willing to move home yet, but maybe take babysteps to see where things lead. This is your M and life, if you want it, go for it. If you are done, then be honest with him. Hope this helps and makes some sense. You have to do what you are comfortable with. I think your H is realizing that he is losing the best thing he ever had. Take it slow and see where it goes.

Good luck and praying for you.

Luv, first he must put you above ALL others. And you must do the same. God tells us to put H/W above even our children. And I can't tell you if your H has changed and if he indeed ready to work on his M. But yes I would tell him your feelings and I don't think you have moved on w/ your life w/o him. I would have no regrets. If you are there now then, don't go back. If you do then maybe you should keep an open mind and heart. But don't tell him you come after the children because you don't that would leave a door open of the oc to be placed above you and you don't want that. People screw up, everyone does. Sometimes it takes the extream to see it. God will touch his heart in his time not ours/yours. You had to do what you did to make him search his heart and to put everything where it needs to be. Maybe he has, I don't know. But talking to him may be the place to start.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi Luv,

If he really wants to come back. Suggest Marriage counseling. Tell him you will start with that. At counseling, show him a list of what you expect out of him if he is to come back into your life. Luv, you need time. Make him earn your trust back. He has hurt you so much with emotional abuse.
{{{{{{{{{{{Luv}}}}}}}}}}}}}

"I really don't want to go back to the M I just left but I would give anything to have a M that I dream about and that we once had. That I want a H that cherishes me, puts me above everyone (except our kids) and will never hurt me...again. That yes I do still love him and our family but my love for him has diminished over the last few weeks. However, there is a chance to get that back if he can be the man I dream of. If he can figure out for himself what to do to make this right. I will not tell him what that is, I have in the past and if he was listening he should know. I need to see him put those things into motion even if there is no certantiy that I will come back. I need to see him go out on a limb in hopes of getting me back. If he is willing to do that then I know he truly loves me. If not, then I would only be going back to what I left and I don't want that."

This sounds pretty good to me, or something close to it. It sums up your feelings pretty well. The thing is, will he really see it, and take action.

((Luv)) I feel for you and the situation you are in.

Luv....You should tell him how you feel. Don't look back later and think, "I wish I would have told him how I really felt...".
What can it hurt? You have already resigned yourself to divorce.
I had to leave my husband for six months. For myself and for my self-esteem. I needed to show him that I could do it on my own. But...I always let him know that I loved him.
Good luck....
Ent

Thanks ladies.

Sunny, thanks for clarifying that above ALL others means kids too.

KrisM, I am not sure if he would read anyting but that would be one of the things I would need to see him do in order to believe he was serious. I would need to see him read, do counseling, go to church, spend more family time together, establish visitation w/ OC that included me, and a few other million things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Finding -- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This sounds pretty good to me, or something close to it. It sums up your feelings pretty well. The thing is, will he really see it, and take action </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if he will take action. I guess my bottom line is I really don't care if he does or does not. I have moved out, I am well on my way to emotionally removing myself from the M. I have nothing to loose and I won't hurt if he does not take action. I have never once shed a tear over the M since I moved out. If he does not take action then I know the M & me are not as important to him as he says. They are only important if he can have them the easy way not if he has to work at it.

Entwife, you are right I should tell him how I feel. I have resigned myself to a divorce so I have nothing to loose. He told me and went out on that limb, I should do the same. My only fear is that we always do this but it's been him leaving in the past. He leaves, a few weeks later he is back saying it's a mistake, we get along but don't seem to address the issues or something like that and then he moves home and it falls apart again. I guess I don't want him to think it's that easy to get me back, that I am a push over and that I only moved as a ploy (which is so not ture). I want him to realize that I mean it, like you did. It's only been a few weeks for me.

Luv...don't get me wrong. Don't let him move in or go home to him. HE has to prove to you that he means what he says. You have signed a lease, right? Well...that means you are contractually obligated to stay for a specific amount of time.
My h and I had alot of work to do in those six months I left. Espcially him.
I asked for 3 promises before I would "consider" moving home. He has fulfilled all 3 as of last weekend.
The most important was for HIM to seek counseling. Not me...not the kids....HIM!!!
And he had to sustain it until the COUNSELOR felt he was ready to stop.
We don't have the perfect marriage. But we have one built on respect and friendship. He now knows that I can be on my own and actually leave him.
ent

I think it's awesome you haven't shed a tear since you moved out. You deserve some peace and happiness for once!!

Oh my Gosh, my H is plan B'ing me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I just got his email from him.
I really don’t know why I am writing this, I guess I feel like I need too. I am sure that you gathered, the conclusion to our conversation last night upset me a great deal. I don’t know if you really meant what you said or you were just saying it to make a point or to be strong and unfeeling about this entire situation. It upsets me, if what you say is true, then it does seem to me that the last 14 years really meant very little to you. I hope this is not the case.

I guess I am not over you, and I suppose it will take some time. It will probably never fully happen, because you did matter. Whether you want to believe that or not. And the 14 years together is a long time, ever though there have been some tough times, I never stopped loving you. Even when I was mad. I never wanted it to work out this way. I’m sorry if I pushed you to this.

I think it would be for the best if we had as little contact as possible. I really can not bear to see you anymore, it is just too hard. If we have business to conduct with the kids or you decide to finally talk about our situation that would be fine. We can try to facilitate that. In terms of calling the kids each night, if I could just talk to them, that would be great. If you would, please do not ask me how I am doing or any other things such as that. I am not doing well and by your statements, I really don’t feel that you care.

If you need anything further from the house, please ask and I will put things together for you. We can then arrange a time that is convenient for the both of us, and so I will not be there. As long as my privacy is respected, I do not have a problem with that.

I know there will be times that we need to see each other, I will do my best to deal with that.

I do not intend for this request to come off a harsh, I hope you do not take it that way. On the contrary, it has been very difficult to compose and I wish I did not have to send it. I just feel it is best given the current circumstance that you have explained.

I would appreciate if you would respond so I know that you are in agreement. If you have any additions, other ideas, or you do not agree with what I have said, please feel free to contribute you thoughts.

Thank you,

Luv, I wouldn't know how to respond to this....

How many times have you told him what would make you feel better and he ignored it. Like the DNA testing, and not being at the childs birth, etc. I don't know the whole list, but I'm sure you do. He always made you feel like a bad person for wanting these things. Now that you have had enough, he's acting like some wounded puppy.

The whole thing stinks IMO... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Shoot LUV--I don't know what to say except please make sure that you tell him what you need to so that you won't regret anything later.

I hope god answered my prayers for you and I would love for you H to start trying--it would be work though--hopefully he is willing to do that.

Not sure wha to think about the PB thing.

LUV, I think you r right! Maybe all the talk about MB he is reading now. I would let him know my feelings, in a non lb'ing way that is. Like you said you have nothing to loose anyway. You r on your own and haven't shed a tear, so let him know in a you asked so here we go way. BE NICE! Don't get upset cause he is finally being honest w/ you and maybe now he does know how you felt. We shall see. But one thing he left out, to reserve the love I still have for you? Yes it may hurt him, but then again who dealt the hurt? Is he willing to get over and past the hurting you and the kids? Or is he just using what you did back at you? I don't know. I would have to talk to him face to face if it was me. So I could see his face and see it in his eyes if he is sorry.
I wish you luck and I hope he is maybe waking up out of the fog he so been under. Praying for you luv, but this is your chance to talk to him, so I would write everything down and do it face to face.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Entwife,
Oh, I understood that, sorry. I just thought by even letting him see that my door could be slightly open would be an issue. I have no intentions of moving home until a long list of things would be completed by him.

Finding, you know a lot about my needs. I am impressed that you were able to remember that. You are right, he did not do many of the most important and also the ones that can never be changed and will always be a loss to me. I will never get those things back.

Yes, he is acting like a huge wounded puppy. I love how he said that 14 yrs. of M does not seem to mean anything to me, yet he is the one who had the A, got the OW preg and then did not do what was in the best interest of me or that 14 yrs. M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Sheesh.

Hi Luv,

I would write a letter back. I would not let it end like that, like you are the bad guy. Write your own Plan B letter. Tell him how much the 14 years together meant to you. Then let him know you left because his insistance on contact was more than you could bear. Let him know that it is both of you that needs to change, not just you. He is still trying to control things and twist them so that you look like the bad guy.

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

LUV~I agree with Sunny and I want to tell you that I'm cautiously excited for you but you have given me some hope that I needed and all I can say is that I hope that my paryers I have been saying have helped--I just recently have decided that it is all up to god and that I hope that he can touch each of our H's and let them understand the love they will be losing.

So glad for you and like I said gives me hope and reminds me not to throw the towel in yet.

Love ya LUV--good going.

Sunny,
Thanks. I did send him a short email to open the lines of communication. Looking at my H in the eyes is of no help. He is a police officer and a detective at that, he can lie better than I can pick up on it.

Albany, I too am cautious and not overly excited. Whatever happens, happens. I can live with it either way, I know that now. Thanks for your prayers and I will keep saying them for you too.

Luv you all.

LUV how goes it with H? Is he PBing you or what? thinking of you constantly. HUGS

Albany,

No, not really. He has been writing to me and telling me how he still loves me and knows he did wrong with many things. However, he is still trying to say that I need to make a lot of changes too. I am not sure if her really understands why I left and what it would take to get me home again. He still wants to try to avoid accountability.

We will see. I do not have any high hopes and I am still very much happy with my decision.

Thanks for thinking of me. How are things on your end?