Hello all. I haven't posted much because I never know what to say, but some of your posts have been inspirational and helped in the worst of times.

My D-day was about 3 1/2 months ago on my anniversery - everything came out. Since then I have tried to be strong, I have tried to move on. I want my marriage to work, I love my husband dearly and he wants our marriage to work. He doesn't want to focus on the pain he caused though and I think it's because he doesn't want to feel the pain he caused. Anyhow, shortly after D-day he got a new job (he's a pilot) needless to say I've barely seen him - we see each other about once a week for 2-4 days. There were times that I thought I could be really strong and overcome the pain and hurt I feel inside of me, but the more that time goes by the more that I seem to not be able to get over my pain. It doesn't help that he wants to be a part of his child's life, which I told him I would support. But after D-day there was constant contact with OW, it has stopped, mostly due to my repeated requests. They talk about once a week mostly so WS know's baby is ok. But sometimes he slips, in a last email he told her he missed their shared times, and missed her being happy. This destroyed me. And everytime he speaks with her I hurt more. He tells me everything though, he has been good about that, and he admits when he slips and admits when he is wrong. But the one thing I asked of him when this all came out was to stop contact until our marriage had a chance to heal, and he wouldn't do it because he was so afraid of losing his child, even though I told him legally he has every right to it. I can't seem to get over his refusal of my request and now on top of his last email, yesterday I was a mess.

Well needless to say none of our conversations were any good, I blew up, I cried, I told him I couldn't do it, couldn't handle the pain. The OW is very adament about me not being apart of this childs life, she tells WS that she will refuse him to see his child if he brings me along. I can't seem to deal with this, I wanted to open my heart and love this baby since he is my husbands and will be apart of my family, but the OW is making it impossible and I can't bear the thought of my husband taking one of his few weekends off to spend it with OW and baby. It just hurts too much.

Well last night he told me he is trying to support me through the pain and anguish since he is the one who caused it and that he wants to be there for me but I'm making it impossible, I'm fluctuating too much and am making him feel like our marriage won't make it because I can't get over the pain. And it's true I know that, I can't mesh this new life in my head. So he told me that until I made a decision about whether I could put the past behind me and start a new future with him or leave him that he didn't want to talk to me anymore, because talking with me hurt too much and made him feel like he didn't like me anymore.

I'm trying to think about these things rationally b/c I know I have failed to do that in so many ways. Especially yesterday. Although I feel it is unfair for WS to put that decision on me while I'm so lost and on the edge.

I need to talk to him calmly and rationally but I also need some ideas of what to present to him about what it will mean to have the OW/OC present in our lives. I need to ask him things like what if the OC has something important going on during the same time our son does, which one does he go to? I need suggestions like that and would really appreciate any thoughts you all have on what to say or ask. I'm so lost and confused. I finally took the plunge and my doctor is setting me up with an appointment with a therapist so that maybe I can think clearly about the subject at hand. Sorry about the long post!

Hi,

Sorry to welcome you here. Your husband and OW sound similar to mine. My WH has continued contact with OW always with the excuse for the baby's sake. His baby was born today. How can you get over the past when contact is in the present? Your husband is doing everything wrong. Everything you and he does should be agreed on enthusiastically by you both. He should go through the court system to establish visitation and then there is nothing OW can do to stop you from going with him to pick up the baby.

A23, you will see we shorten everyones name. I am so sorry you are going though all of this. I'm glad you found us. We are here to listen hel and hold you when you need it. I have a couple of questions, do you have any kids together, how long was the A and how old is this OC? Read everything you can here. And yes go to the dr and your H just needs to be honest w/ you and not exclude you from the oc. This is what the ow wants and if he is to stay M you have to be first. Take care of you! You need to be strong and be honest w/ yourself w/ the c w/ oc? Do you think you can do this? We are here for you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

A23 a couple of more questions, did your dr give you any meds? Have you read anything her about plan a or B? You need to take care of yourself first and foremost! Get something to help you sleep, if your not and get some AD's to control your emotions. This is a MAJOR thing in your life and no one could do this alone! Don't think you are alone either. Cause we are here and the "oldies" will be around soon. I'm still kind of new to this. But I have learned you and H have to be a team and he has to put you first over everything. ((( HUGS to you))))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sunny;
The answer to some of your questions:
We have a 4 y.o son together, WS knew OW for about 5 months. I'd say the A went on for 3-4 months and she was supposed to leave town but instead told WS she was pregnant on our anniversary 05/28/04. OW is due in February, and she is married, she was in process of getting divorce when A happened and is now back with her husband, who by the way doesn't want my H to have anything to do with baby family and has told OW that she cannot be in contact with my H.

I haven't seen the dr. yet, my doctors office is handling the referral and I'm waiting for a call for when the appointment is made, I'm sure I'll be put on some sort of meds to help me control some of my emotions.

I am willing to have OC in my life, and want to love the child but it is so hard when I feel out of the loop. My heart breaks if I try to feel anything for the baby just to hear that I probably won't be able to take part in the first few months of her life. How can I open myself up to that heartache?

I dont understand how H will spend the weekend w/ ow/oc? When the oc gets here? Or now? and what is her H going to say about it. Is H sure the child his? You know there are alot of questions and yes MOST men do not want to talk about them. It doesn't seem like they where together all that long, but ya know it doesn't take much. How are you and H doing? Is he not talking to you? It would be tough w/ him gone all the time to work on M! Go checking w/ the laws in your state the internet is a wonderful place so much info you know. Get visitation laws, cs laws and such. I will advise you on talking to an attorney just to see what your options are right now. H sounds like he is on the fence so you need to think about you and your son and make sure this is what you want and getting yourself protected. Get as much information as you can and then write it all down, print it do what ever you have to do to show him, yes you are behind him and what you as a team can do to insure that your family has a relationship w/ this child. OW doesn't just say so and its so! NEVER should you give into that. If H is serious about his M then get a POJA and go from there. If he doesn't then I woud read up on the plans and do which one is best for you. Again I am sorry your going though all of this and hope things get better for you and your family
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Dear amberlina23,
I want to tell you your H is not doing anything right is regards to you. He must stop all contact w/married ow now.

Not saying he will. My H had a married ow. She said I couldn't be around baby too. It is so involved to tell you everything and each case is different.

Please use your search to find Steve Harleys number and call for an appointment. If your H won't do it with you, do it alone. He will give you skills you need to overcome this. It's his business .

You are too fresh to all of this. This is a horrible situation!

I know it feels worse than hearing about a death.

You need to work through your feelings and not just knee-jerk into thinking you can accept this child when you may not be able to do this the rest of your married life. The very question you asked about what if baby has an important doings and YOUR child does too is what I mean. You shouldn't nor have to "share" because this child was born. That is your husband!

Things depend on what he is willing to do to stay with you.

Please familiarize yourself with honesty policy, policy of joint agreement, plan A.

Also waste no time in calling the Harleys.

I know others will come along to advise you what you need to do to protect your child now.

Welcome the information and use it!

LynnG?

I will try and follow up with you when I have more time.

Prayers.
love
Debi