My H is getting closer to wanting to start C w/ OC. However, he is unsure how to initially start. I told him he cannot under any circumstances visit OC at OW's home. He said he is not ready to just take the OC away from her Mother because OC does not know him. OC is about 10 mos. now. Initially (before he told me of A & OC) he visited OC about 3 or 4 times in her first few mos. of life. I sugessted to him maybe visiting at a public place...like a Library (although I still don't want him around OW). If a public place is picked, should I attend? I think OW would probably object. I really don't care if ever sees OC (forgive me GOD). It is still hard for me to accept that there is another child. We have a 13 mo. old son together and I just keep thinking isn't he enough....why do he need to know OC (I know the answer but can't stop asking the question). I think I could request NC, but in my heart I know that is not right. Although, I don't know if I can accept OC in my life. I've read several post here where the BS is ready & willing to embrace OC....I just can't wrap my mind around loving a child born out of an A that damage me and my life so tramatically. I just don't know.

To top what I am feeling, the CS hearing is Monday. Initially I wanted to go, but my H said he don't think I should. He doesn't think I am ready to see OW....I was starting to agree w/ H. But then today, he told me that he talked to OW and told her my intentions and she got upset saying this was her business and private....WHAT!!! if she wanted privacy she shouldn't have slept w/ a married man. Now I want to go just to thumb my nose at her and gloat....like Ha! Ha! I know your financial income. I just want to confront her...I know this will do no good, but I am starting to think that OW is going to be problematic.

I thought I was so blessed (not saying that I am not now....I know GOD is with me and is the sole reason for any sanity I posses). But I thought I would never have to deal with Drama. I always said if I was single I would shy away from men with babies to avoid the "baby mama drama". Now I have my own because of the stupidity of my H.

Sorry for the long post.

TR-

Your post really reached me.... I feel your pain and thank GOD my H does not want any R whatsoever w/OC for some time. If he did.. well TR I feel for you because your post screams that you are in no way ready for this. How could you be-why should you have to once again deal with more so soon. You are not wrong for not being ready to embrace this-especially w/a young baby of your own right now. You and H should concentrate on YOU AND YOUR M AND YOUR NEW BABY. 13 month is new. You need to build a new foundation and strong home for your little one.

It is too soon and you must share all of your feelings w/H-all of them. Does he understand your feelings? Can you let him know you will not stand in the way in the future, but for now and for some time that you just are not ready and this is a recipe for disaster in your M, I feel.

OC in our case is 8 months, we are 14 months past dday and I have not and will not at this point even entertain OC visitation. It was my H's choice totally and I agree totally, that we needed to regain our strength and get our M, home and our kids safe and secure again. That is #1 priority before OC can be considered. We dont talk of her or speak of her or OW at all. H went to 2 hearings so far (paternity and CS) and I did not attend and did not have ANY desire to. I will NOT see OW- don't care to and I like having no image to my little nightmare. It has been a luxory that some don't have to have no mental image!!!!!! Believe that. Now H has one more hearing in a few weeks to go over extra financials, etc. and I sorta kind want to go to be w/H cause he HATES facing her and dealing w/this but I just don't know yet..

Right now for you and me its just been too much for too long and we deserve and our M deserves undivided attention. OC is so young, there IS plenty of time for a relationship when your family is 100% strong and YOU are able. If you never are able, God will not judge you I believe- he knows this is not how it was meant to be, it is cruel punishment to live w/OC... NOW, he can give you peace to accept OC but I cannot believe God would judge US for the pain being too hard.

If H cannot bear to live w/o a R, then you must either leave him or come to some peace w/Gods help and find a way together. And there should not be ANY time when your are not "allowed" or cast aside from any visit, court,etc. She invited herself into your marriage and you did not.She is stuck w/you if she wants OC to have the father in OC's life, period. Dont ever back down from your right- you and H are "one" in God's eyes, remember that. She has no rights in choosing H alone for anything. She is obviously still going to bring drama and therefore C will be the downfall of your M if H allows her to dictate YOUR BUSINESS by saying you cannot attend anything!! That makes me so mad that these OW have the NEEEEERRVE to say HER business? ha, almost laughable- your OW's obvious pathetic distorted views!!

TR, again I stress it is too soon, and I'd say go to court with your dignity and do not confront just w/class and matter of fact attitude. Don't give her ANY satisfaction of getting your goat. Bring your baby- let her know the 3 of you are a united front- YOUR BUSINESS comes first.

Keep OW OUT of your mind for now- and OC- that is H's burden now, really. You have been thru so much and if contact is just not right yet, he will have to be strong and realize that everyone has to deal with the broken pieces- and he may have to buck up for now accept this part of the hurt (NC) as my H is (I'm sure deep down my H is dealing w/guilt, etc) I cannot take this one on- have my own kids and life to get back- and H is part of that but the OC part is just too much for us now.

ONE MORE VERY hard thing I think for me if I had a baby like you do-- is this.

YOUR dream of your H and your baby and new family was shattered !!! Your baby was only 3 months old when OC was born. I can only imagine how this took away from your dreams then... I mean- can't you explain to H this? You deserve to know and feel secure with your new family and YOUR baby!!! To feel your child and your new family is special and the only ones! That is important and it was taken away for a time..... Have you felt this? Am I off - I know this must be so hard and I have so much respect for all the ladies here with little ones-- I dont know how you are so strong. Mine are preteen/teen- it is somewhat easier than dealing w/little ones. Your unit needs to feel special and know that YOU AND BABY are his only joy and love and family. OC needs its mother and has her.. your baby needs you and H. You deserve his undivided attention - OC can wait. Please TR make H understand and approach this in a loving, not demanding and cold way so he can feel sympathy not resentement towards the idea of NC for now..

Let me know how you are okay.

Why do you think it is wrong to not want to deal with oc? or have contact with oc? IT IS FINE.

If YOU want to go and snoop about ow income, go ahead. Afterall, it is YOUR family finances involved too. Who gives a hoot what she thinks/wants. To bad, so sad for her.

If YOU do not want contact or have oc around SPEAK UP NOW. Or you will be quite bitter later by having his mistakes shoved into your life. DEAL WITH THIS NOW.

Contact or no contact should no be forced on either. It has to be agreed upon. And there are only TWO people who's feelings matter. Hubby and You. OW/OC are not to be considered when this decision is made. IF he wants contact, and you don't (sure sounds like you hate the idea), then you need to discuss it. However, do not ever feel one bit guilty for not wanting anything to do with oc. You are just as much an innocent vicitm of these two people's selfishness as the oc and your feelings matter. So to do those of your child. And YOU don't have to give one itty bitty thought to the oc well being. Not your problem.

I would go to the hearing simply cause she didn't want me there. She can't tell you what to do or not. But DO NOT CONFRONT HER. Listen. Pay attention. IGNORE HER. Treat her with the respect she deserves from you.....NONE. She does not matter.

But most importantly, talk this out with your husband.

"I would go to the hearing simply cause she didn't want me there. She can't tell you what to do or not. But DO NOT CONFRONT HER. Listen. Pay attention. IGNORE HER. Treat her with the respect she deserves from you.....NONE. She does not matter."


Uh-oh...I agree with you Lynn. Who would have "thunk" it?

Seriously, TR, do what you feel is best for YOU. The funny thing is, my OW, was about five feet tall and about 190 lbs. When she walked off of the elevator, I about died laughing. Probably not too classy, but I just couldn't help it. It was the first time I had ever seen her. I made sure when we went to first court hearing to look "smashing". Even if I had enough lycra on my butt to strangle a small child. LOL! But I felt GREAT!!
Do what you feel is best for your situation.
Hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
ent

Oh i would definately go to the hearing!
especially since she doesnt want you to. I would be all dolled up as well. actually be in sexy business attire. Thats a good choice.

Guess what its not up to her all the hearings are open to the public. YOU can go were ever you want.

I would be right there to hear every little thing that went on in every court case. Just incase your husband is not paying attention like my husband doesnt. you can remind him what was said. See your so helpful LOL

Go and know first hand what is happening to affect your life.
THats my vote anyway.

TR, the question should be is what do you want to do? Do you want to be there. And H asking you not to go is WRONG!!! This is not a team and its just excluding you. If it starts it will continue and you and your feeling will suffer! Dont go just to piss her off, or just to show her you can do it. That breads trouble, and you don't need it. If I wanted to go and my H wanted me there for support for OUR family then I would hold my head up high and walk right on in. But I think that is what everyone else is telling you to do what TR wants to do, not anyone else. OW wants and cares DONT matter! But doing things to get under her skin is not good for you or your M! Some other options are go and wait outside if you like, but do what is right for you. And remember TEAM is what you and H has to be!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi am new but felt compelled to reply. I am in your shoes as well, in some ways anyway. Yeah, asking you not to go I think is exremely innapropriate. First off, why is he even making arrangments, or talks or whatever with her with you not around? That is a no no. There should never be contact with OW unless you are okay with it, and you are present, plain and simple. He just doesn't say, oh I talked with her, and she doesn't like your opinion. It's not your opinion, but you and H opinion. I think you need to read the whole basic concepts and the aggreement policy made by the author.

My H tried this with me. He told me that she was only going to allow visits in her home, and I was NEVER to be around. I told him, no I don't think so. You don't take demands from the OW. You can hear them, but it doesn't mean you will accept them, and you have every right by law not to. If can't agree to your terms and hers are not good enough for you then you march ur tush into court together! You make decisions together, this is a marriage. He needs to understand that you and him need to work out your differences to be in complete agreement, both must take consideration of the others wants, and needs, not one more over the other.

If he can't at least take consideration of you if not make you apart of his life in everything he does, then you have some decisions to make. If it was me I would draw the line and go. I won't settle, he must give 100% as I would.

Soon after my H told me about this he realized the OW for who she is and litterally hates her and doesn't see how he can love anything that came from her. He has a hard time separating the OW from the OC. The is no contact. I feel terrible though, that is my childrens sibling, that is my H son, how can he abandon him? That is just the way I feel though.

I thank you all for your input. I don't think I am going to go to the hearing because I am not sure I am ready to see her just yet. I only wanted to go to make sure he pays attention and gets all the information. If I went, it would only be to show her up. My H is okay with me going but just doesn't think I am ready and will regret my decision....which may be right. It is understood that he should not have C with OW unless it is about OC's welfare. He C is minimal, however, lately she has been getting under his skin....stooping to low levels. He has decided not to tell me the bad comments she makes but I told him if they get into a conversation that is negative, he need not be in the conversation.

As far as C with OC, we haven't discussed fully what we want. He knows that I am not ready, but I think he believes that he can start having C (not at OW's home though) without invovling me until I am ready (of course C will be with me knowing). I am torn...should I let him bond first? Or should we try to bond with OC together to see if I can accept her? When I think of him loving OC in the manner he loves our C, I am filled with such pain. I don't want him to love OC like that (I know that is not right). I wish I can feel how some on this board feel...i.e OC is H's and they want to love OC because of that. I just don't know. I hope time when heal my animosity and God will soften my heart towards OC.

What gets my goose is that she had his first son. It made me feel when I got pregnant with our son that it was nothing special. I hated the pregnancy, I hated H for getting me pregnant and I didn't want the child. They are 4 or 5 months apart, I thought my son would only remind me of hers. If only it says the child is not his when we get a paternity test. Since the baby was born we have worked things out. We have also had no contact with her for almost a year, we don't even know the oc's name, birth date what he looks like or anything. It's way to easy to forget they even exist at this point. I'm keeping myself in reality though, h unfortunatly isn't.

I understand talking to her about the OC, but who is enforcing it? There needs to be a mediator, a go between to make sure things don't get off topic. Someone that has both of your interests in mind. I'm sorry but I think you should be united in your desisions, he should not allow things to get off topic and if they do, not to give her another chance, to do everything, mediate in court

I'm sorry but I think at the very least you should be listening. It sounds like he is allowing her too much leeway in her actions and he can't make her keep focus. I would suggest for both of your sakes to stop talking to her out of court. She isn't keeping things civil and he isn't laying down the law in thier conversations, this to me spells only TROUBLE!

As far as his first contact with the baby, I wouldn't see any harm in you being there, if it was an older child I would understand letting them bond first, but these first visits will only mean something to your h, the oc will have no clue about who he is or what is going on becouse of his age. That is up to you guys though. The important thing is that it is not at her house, that she isn't present, and that she isn't the one who is there when he picks up the child. If it is inevitable she is there, then u or at the very least a mutual freind MUST go with him to pick up the child. It should be you though so she understands that you are united in this. If she doesn't like it too bad, you can put her in contempt of court if she doesn't follow the visitation orders. It's the way it needs to be, you can't cater to her, it is at the expence of your marriage.