Hello, I am new here but I was reading through cody's post and found your response.

I am in a seven year relationship with a serial cheater. We are not married. We have two small children together and he is also raising my 10yr old daughter. He has cheated the whole time, and I have always taken him back. As was inevitable, he got someone pregnant a couple years ago. I was also pregnant at the time. So our daughter is 2 and OC will be two next month. We don't have regular contact. Every now and then she will call and ask for money or IM me to make trouble, but for the most part she in a non-entity. No DNA has been done, and I have told him we will do nothing until it is. She doesn't want it, but says she doesn't care. But noone has initated it. I would prefer them to both just go away forever. But I am trying to be the bigger person, and at least weigh all sides.

You wrote that you had a situation kind of like my children's. Do you wish your parents had told you and that you had been able to start a relationship with you siblings when you were young? I am really finding this hard. On the one hand, I don't want my children to know, love, want to see, or have regular contact with OW/OC (and I don't differentiate between the two) because I do not want to have to share my children too. On the other hand, I'm really not an ugly person, no matter how hard I try. I do know it's selfish, and at least partly wrong. So I'm just stuck on what to do.

Any advice.
Oh and I did post on here a few years back as someones_mom but I did not remember my login information so here is the new me. If you can't find that I will answer any questions you have.

Well, so much for that.

Hey! I'm here - I am off of work and my home computer is hogged by the kids all weekend- I barely get here!

I have to say that I have been unaffected by finding out about having an OC who is now 36 years old. When you find out a 36 year old "secret" especially amongst all of the problems in my marriage lately and learning NOT to judge others or say "never".... well this barely shook my branches. I didn't bat an eyelash, other than being VERY curious who brother number 5 is- does he look and act like us..those types of curiosities.

I DO wish looking back that we had the opportunity to love this person mainly for HIS sake. See, his mother died when he was a young teenage in a car accident and he never knew my father. The father he knew his whole life- well, sadly he died also. I feel for an "only" child w/no living parents who has 4 brothers and a sister who are close and so loving w/one another. I don't hurt for me, my mother or my father because its just soooo old of a situation.

I personally am very forgiving and very accepting and always have been of others' situations. My father was pretty uncomfortable and nervous about the situation and it was hard, very hard for him to hear that we knew of him and wanted to meet him. He was literally squirming in his seat-he was scared to meet his child after all these years- what would this man feel towards my dad- what would my dad say,etc????? Its like the old buried bones popping up and my father's guilt for this child popping up too.

I can say that I have no anger or hurt for the situation whatsoever. I just wish he had us growing up for HIS sake - but that is me. Some people would feel something otherwise I'm sure. As you said you are,I love people and have a huge soft spot for ALL human beings. I love to help and care for people-even not my own family.

Every child and situation is different bmb.. First, how is your SO (significant other) feeling? What does he want? Are you healing/dealing with this enough that this will not be (contact) the ultimate ruin of your family? Are you far enough emotionally to accept a child in your home, regardless of how your children may feel? Children follow your lead, and they also need THEIR MOM to be stable. Forget OC for now and concentrate on yourself and your family first. If that has not happened, the children are VERY RESILIANT.. they will accept and love OC (most likely) very easliy at a young age. BUT if your family and their security has been shattered then I see OC as a huge intrusion to you and family NOW.

H has NC because he cannot allow OC to hurt our children and confuse them and have them look at dad w/those "eyes" of disbelief for what he did to me.. they are older and they KNOW .. they have already shown lots of disapproval for dad and we are working very hard to rebuild their trust in him and in our marriage and it is working...

The hard thing is that it may be much harder when OC is say 5 years old and we try for contact. But it JUST has to be that way . It is hard anytime but it is possible so long as you and your SI are strong and bonded again (if you can be).. and your kids feel safe and healthy. If you are there, then go for it and open your heart. If you are not there, as I said I do beleive it could be the final straw in your relationship and family.

I wish my sit. would go away too, but they are there and someday,whether now or way later we have to face them if we stay in the marraige/relationship. I personally know for me, H and our kids, it must be later.

(hugs) and write back please!

Oh one more very important thing..bmb, if your SO is NOT acting on any of this, not pressuring for C or NC.. and avoiding all of this for now- I highly recommend leaving this alone.

I stressed and fussed and sought answers and H made up his mind and didn't waiver. So why did I continue to soul search and stress every day--THIS IS THEIR BURDEN- THEIR DECISION- THEY MADE THIS MESS. You need to do for you and your family and let your SO / OW / OC alone for now. When I decided to stop stressing over 2 adults' decision to cheat, have unprotected sex and bring a child into this mess-- WHEW I felt so much better. Let God be their judge, let the 2 adults have their burden. Let OW take care of her baby.... BMB YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY! Let this situation be dealt with FOR NOW without you stressing... I let it go and I felt so good. After all, YOU cannot decide anything for your man- he MUST choose C or NC and live with the results from you, OW, etc-know what I mean? You are there for him, YES, but this part truly is all his to carry. Why are WE so worried about being UGLY if we hurt and if we cannot bear the sight of OC-- whaaat are we thinking- why would God be so cruel to judge us for being human and this being unbearable??? Not MY God.

There is just a point where you must let things rest. And there MUST BE NC FOR SURE FROM OW WITHOUT A DNA TEST!!! NONE!!!

Still around bmb-

I'd like to hear from you!