Hi,

I filed protective order. Anyhow protective order was no good till Today if I took to judge. Husband went to my house to get some clothes and set off alarm. He then called me and told me he wanted some clothes and could he come get some. I said OK. He said I am not crazy, I am not coming over there when the police might be around. I convinced him that the police would not be around. I said nothing and he got his clothes. We did not speak. Then he went outside and looked in my car. He found paperwork with his Social Security Number on it. He asked why I had it. I said I needed it to file the protective order. I said I was only trying to protect myself. He said what comes around goes around. I said I did not do anything to you. I was just trying to protect myself. I went to sleep and dreamed he was in my home and felt confused. I woke up and missed him. Then I went shopping and felt better. I got a couple movies. Then he called me. I hate watching movies so I asked if he wanted to watch some movies with me. I was thinking of a dating relationship. He said he did not think that would be right. He then called me and said he was coming over. I said I was not sure I was ready for him. He came. We watched movies. Next morning I wrote 10 rules. I said I need you to do these things in order to stay with me. He did not like it. He said he was grown and did not need rules. So now what. I told him if he could not go by those rules then he needed to leave. I guess I did something real stupid so how do I get out of it now and get him to leave or follow my rules.
I really hate things the way they are. I thought if he missed me that he would take me more serious. I guess now he takes me as a joke and I don't know what to do.

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Genia,

Honey, I am confused, is he back at home? You have to know you are sending him mixed signals, you asked him to leave & he left, now you ask him over to watch movies & give him a set of rules to follow if he wants to stay, plus you filed a protection order against him.

I did some of the same things once I put H out, & it did not help at all.

Where is he now? Do you know where he is staying?

Praying for you!

Hi Babygirl,

He is with me. The two nights he was gone he went to his Dads. First night he slept in his car because he got in argument with his Dad. Second night he slept at his parents. Then I let him back. I told him if he could not follow those rules that he should leave. He does not want to leave now. He is with me. But I don't want him unless he can do what I asked.

Oh Genia,

Now things r sounding even more like my situation, so he is back but not wanting to put forth any effort toward healing your relationship?

And he won't leave cuz he really has no where else to go?

You r not beyond help but I don't know what to say to you, if your state is like mine you can't put him out cuz that is his legal residence, so you r stuck unless u file legal papers.

What do u plan to do now?

G, I think BBG is right. I know you want him home, but if he continues to disrespect you, why? you know you are better than that. Did you give him the plan b letter? Are you? (((Hugs))))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi Sunny,

I had everything in control. Restraining order to be signed by judge. But, I started getting worried because he was calling threatening to vandalize my property, and I am gonna lose my job. So I cannot afford this. He threatened me concerning restraining order. He said, "What comes around goes around." So now I am stuck again. He wants to be here because I take care of him. He says he loves me but does not show it with his actions. Not wanting to legalize visitation. Asks why I want visitation. That it is his child. Says I should trust him, that he does not love OW. That he would never have SF with her again. I tell him he is human and if him and I were arguing that it could happen. He says I am trying to control him. I say he controls me. He says well, I will stop controlling you. So he can have freedom to do as he pleases as if we were not married? Urrgh!!! So I guess I am waiting till the next conflict unless a miracle happens to throw him out. I know he treats me bad. But yet when he left, I cried and drank wine. I don't normally drink. But it helped with the crying. I dreamed about him when I slept. I do not know why I can't get him out of my mind. The thought of him with somebody else even though he is gone makes me feel jealous like I want to control him or stop him somehow. I know I got major issues and I think everything has led me to lose one job and lose hours in another job.

G, this is NO good for you. Are you taking any AD's? maybe you should check into it. living on egg shells for the rest of your life is not good. He is excluding you all around w/ the oc/ow. If you have a restaining order. DONT BE AROUND HIM. This voids your order, your breaking it. I know you think about him when hes not there but why live in fear or saddness when he is? And just a side note, trusting him is why there is a OC. Has he proven anything other than to not trust him. Its not a who "wins" him issue, look what she is getting? And your life will be better off w/o someone who controls and mistreats you. Hes not wanting to repair your M he just wants you to sit there and take it and you are so much better than that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I dont know him, but from what you say he needs help w/ his controling, I know you love him, why else do it. BUT YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF TOO! I'm praying that God will give you the strength to do what you need to do and I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I cant stand to see a beautiful, loving, careing woman like you be treated that way. ((((Hugs G ))))) We are here for you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi Sunny,

Thanks so much. I started a restraining order. But there was no judge so I never got it signed. He came to get clothes and finally talked his way back into my life. I was too weak. I need AD but cannot afford a psychiatrist. Regular doctor will not give them to me. I feel confused and do not know where I stand with him. I got a little insight into him by talking to his Dad as to what is happening to us. He is doing to me what his Dad is doing to his StepMom. I am talking to his Dad about how a married couple should make decisions together. He said he made the big decisions because he is the Man. He says he is smarter than his wife. I try to explain but what if the decision hurts your wife, should it not be compromised between the two of you so neither of you hurt too much. He mentions his son that he knows 75% of what he is doing to me is wrong. Now that from his mouth, I know it is bad. I also ask him about conversation, and talking about feeling that shouldn't he share his feelings and concerns with his wife. He says no because it might hurt her. He says he talks to people outside his marriage. When she is alone, I say doesn't it hurt you that your husband does that. She says yes. Her husband is doing the same thing mine is doing to me. They talked your ears off till you got with them, then they quit talking. She said she talks to her husband's brother. And I, I talk to her. I talk to my husband then. I ask, would you not rather me talk to you than to your stepmom. Would it not do more good if we talk to each other about issues. He does not see it. Last night I told him that he was taking my love for granted. That the two nights he was gone, he knew I would want him back. He said he did not. He knows me, I always want him back. But I do not feel secure in his love. I told him that he does not reciprocate my love and that I need it. I used some big words to him because he is not well educated. He said did you get those words, off the internet. I said no, I have two, two year degrees. He acted like this was the first time I told him this. I have told him this before. He asked why I wasn't doing anything with my education. He just don't know how hard it is to get a job. If he can't show me real love, like he came home and did not give me no hug. The TV was more important. I told him, you ask me to cook, but you cannot even offer me a hug. That is why I think he is taking me for granted. I know he has a lot on his plate now but then so do I. Sorry this is so long but, I either want him to get with the program or get out. Maybe I need AD to help me live without him. I am addicted to him even though he is not good for me.

No addiction is healthy for anyone. If there is a will there is a way. If you want to improve your life , which I think you do, then find away. But you are better than what you are getting! And I know that for a fact. I'm not going to bash your H cause right or wrong he is still your H, but unless BOTH get help w/ your issues, its going to be a hard, sad life. I wish better for you. And remember, the only person you can change is YOU. God has to change the rest of them. ((Hugs))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi Sunny,

I was almost strong enough but not quite. If only I had one of you all to talk to during the weekend maybe I would not have let him back. I do not see any good changes since he came back. The thing that hurt me the most is he told me he would get an apartment and roommate and did not care which sex it was. Told me if he came back it is now or never. I am glad you don't bash my husband. He is good inside but if you see who raised him, you understand why he is the way he is. I love my husband and even though I say stuff about him, I would protect him if others bashed him. So thanks. But I think he will one day want to visit his OC. So when he does, I will ask to come along. If he has a problem with it, then it will be easy to pack his bags. However, I think it will still be hard. Because he will come back to take everything he wants. I just wish he could get his act together.

Update,

I talked to husband this afternoon on the phone. I told him that I know he has a lot on his plate and I understand. I said I also have a lot on my plate. I said I know we are getting along somewhat but that we could be a lot better together because I have seen it in him. I said we are lacking passion in our relationship. He had asked me for money last night for court. $56.00. His second wife is sueing him for child support. I told him I don't have it. So this afternoon I asked if he was able to borrow the $56.00 from anybody. Well this afternoon, I told him I have my check to cash. It is $80.00. I told him that I could give it to him but that I wanted him to appreciate it. I said that I want you to understand that this is out of the goodness of my heart and a sacrifice to me.(I don't want him to go to prison right now when he is doing so well in college. If he graduates then he will have money to pay child support. Sending him to jail will not help the women get child support, but if he finishes college and gets a job then he can pay child support.) I then talked about how I felt insecure about losing my job and not knowing what we were to do for money if I don't find one.

Genia,

I sent u an email.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Genia}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Genia,

Don't follow in my foot-steps. Don't let him continue to do as he pleases if it hurts you. If you have to move out like I did. It was the dose of reality my H needed. I only wish I would have done it months/years earlier.

When my H left me, it was not the same. He still saw me at our house, continuing on like normal. However, moving out shows them you are STRONG and are CAPABLE to live ALONE, WITHOUT THEM.

Be strong Genia, for yourself. You will have so much more peace in your life. I know you are not ready, neither was I. But start looking for places to live and see what happens. I let a few slip by but when I found this place, even though I was not "ready" I did it anyway. I knew this place was perfect and I would not find another like it. If I did not take it I would still be in the same old miserable spot I was a month ago.

Just start looking around, seeking out your options. You don't have to make big moves, just small ones so you start feeling independent and capable. Maybe set up your own checking acct., look at apts. etc. These little things made me feel strong and in control of my life.

Good luck dear.

Hi Luv,

I have made all the mortgage payments. House is in my name only. So I am not moving out. My plan is the next time he goes to see OC and I am not allowed to go along, I will show him how serious I am by packing his bags for him and caring his stuff to his Dad's. Of course there will be the after drama of his threats to take as much stuff from me as he can. Next time I hope I can hold out if I got to call a doctor and demand AD's to get through it. Get me some good movies, good books. I should be fine next time. I think it is just the first couple of days that are the hardest.

If the house is in your name only, you can kick him out. You are being taken for granted,mistreated and disrespected. STOP ALLOWING THIS. YOU ARE A VITAL CARING PERSON.

Now, I understand that AD can be expensive. So here is what I would like for you to try. No matter how low you feel, how tired, how busy,no matter what. Get out each and every day and start walking. Have a dog? Walk it. Try and go a mile a day at first. This is easy. 6 blocks away from home, six blocks back. You will be surprised at how quickly you will want to walk farther. How you feel much much better. What happens when you walk is that the rythm of the walk helps soothe the busy mind. Actually allows your mind to relax a bit. Look at the birds, the trees, anything. Just get out there. There is NO WAY this can hurt you. Soon you will be addicted to your walks. And this is a great addiction to have. Soon you will see nice legs, firm but, stamnia and most importantly, a way to deal with the depression and anxiety that you are dealing with.

Now, for your husband. You need to be firm, loving but firm. You need to look out for you. If you are not feeling secure in his love, what is the point of staying married? He may be confused and scared right now. BUT his inaction is hurting you. So, you need to look out for you. Have you been looking for work? What can you do from your home to generate income? Daycare? Will you get unemployment? Look into all of this. Take care of you, since he has proven he is incapable of taking care of his family. STAND UP. Comb your hair, put on some makeup. Dress nice, and get moving with your future, cause it is here. Make it a point to find something to be happy about each day. Sunny out? Smile at it. Leaves changing? Smile at the beauty of it. Make it a point to find something positive in your life each day. After few days, make it a point to find two positives. But you need to SAY IT OUT LOUD or have an upbeat conversation. Talk to a neighbor about the beautfiul day. Talk to the check out girl about the darling baby at the other check out. Smile while you do this. Tell a stranger you like their haircut and ask where they get it cut. Engage in life, find little things to enjoy, make it a CHOICE to enjoy. Take time each day for YOU. The walk, a long hot bath, a good book. Whatever. Pamper yourself a bit. This will help you gain strength and self respect. It will keep you from being obsessed with all of this to the point of having no life except that of a BW with oc. You are so much more then that. So, buck up and start living. This man, right now is not worth your soul.

So, after you read this, if you can, go and take a walk. And smile at people. Eyes up, not looking at the sidewalk in despair. But up. Today, you take back your life OK? The depression needs to be dealt with first. So lets go. Get moving. Ok? You can handle the details of the marriage later. Right now you are all that matters. OK?

Hi Lynne,

Thanks. That was so beautiful. I can do that.