I have been trying to do plan A for 4 months. Husband never wanted to talk about relationship. Last night I told him that I needed somebody who loved me and only me and planned on spending the rest of there life with me. I told him if he did not feel that way that he was hurting me by being with me. Last night I said how much do you love me. First he said I don't know. I said on a scale one to ten. How much? He said about 7 or 8. I said I was disappointed. He said he lost love for me because I keep throwing his cheating in his face. I told him that it is not that. It is the contact that still goes on. Always with the excuse for the sake of the child. He says I have not forgiven him. I said I had. He brings up fact I cheated on him over a year ago. I say mine is done because there has been no contact and I have said I am sorry multiple times. His OC was born September 15th 2004. I tell him I can never accept him visiting OC in OW home. He says I am insecure. I say no woman would be secure with that. So I am asking is there anyway to get his love back or is this a lost cause. I thought it was positive at least that he has finally talked to me. He has been holding this in a long time. Please give me some opinions. More Plan A or Plan B.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Update.

Husband got back from court. Child Support is $50.00 a month. Not a lot of money but a lot for a person without a job. If he can find a part-time job he should catch it up quickly.

Keep in mind that when he gets any job, the ow can go back to court and very easily get that amount raised.

Hi Chris,

I know except this is not OW, but his ex-wife. Thanks for checking in. I wish my news were better concerning us. I don't have much hope.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Hi,

Well I was hoping somebody over here would throw some Ideas at me. My husband has admitted that he don't love me 100%. Well that crushed me because I am thinking to myself what's there not to love about me. Oh Well. I thought maybe I needed to do the Plan A better like some people told me in General Questions II. This morning I hear something on the radio that wakes me up. It speaks of desparate women who will do anything to try and get a guys love. They spoke of men who disrespect women, cheat, and tell the women that they love them because they don't want to burn the bridge. Then I thought of my man disrespecting me, telling me he don't love me 100%. I start crying. I call my husband and tell him how I am crying and feel hurt that he don't love me 100%. Then I think, I could plan A my butt off and that will not make him love me. I remember when we got together how I did not fall for him. But I was lonely and enjoyed his company. It took time and effort on my part to fall in love with him. So I call him on the phone. I say you only get out of something what you put in. If you put nothing in, you get nothing out. I tell him that I have been putting 100% into this relationship. I say it hurts me putting into this relationship and getting little out of it. I say if you will start putting into the relationship you will get something out of it. I say I don't know about you but this relationship is important to me right now. I say I want you to think about this, but don't wait too long or it will be too late. I say am I wrong or am I right. He says he hears me. I felt pretty proud of myself. If I am wrong let me know. I am just tired of Plan A and not getting enough back. I can't wait forever for him to love me. Maybe I am wrong but I think I should ask him to put in some effort before Plan B.

G, you know how I feel about your situation. I personally would plan b his butt. He is bad for you he really is. So why do you stay? I know you love him, but you deserve to be loved as much too. Your home, put him on the road. You are NOT is mommy! He relies on you to take care of him and he (you said yourself) has no where to go. Well tuff! If he wanted to be w/ you he would make an effort. He is asking you to just take the abuse, "he's the man, your wrong, he's right". He wants you and your money, and home so he does have a place to go. DONT DO THIS! Just to have someone to come home to or come home whenever he wants. My S/S teacher told me one time, people don't leave cause they are scared of the unknown. You know what it is like w/ him, even if its bad. He will do this and say that, then say oh I'm sorry. But if you are by yourself, you dont know what will happen. BUT if you trust in God to take care of you and be "The man" in your life, you wont be alone ever! If you died today would you die happy? If not, why live this way? (((Hugs)) to you G and I am praying that God gives you the strength to do what you know in your heart you need to do. No one here is going to tell you to leave your H. But we will tell you, that taking care of you should be now! Do the YOU plan!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

G,

I hurt for you. I know how crushing it must be for your husband to tell you that he doesn't love you 100%. I've read so many of your posts and just don't know what to say. It sounds like he is opening up some, but perhaps it is too little too late. He can't control his feelings (none of us can), but he CAN control how he acts on those feelings. (Believe me I wish my husband could erase all the feelings he had for OW). If he can't take your feelings into account -- and everything you've said indicates that he doesn't -- then you have to evaluate why you are staying.

I'm sure he could make the changes you are asking for, but the question is will he? And then if so, when? It is not fair for you to wait around forever for him to make up his mind. YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> What you want is every bit as important. You sound like I have always been in my marriage -- too accomodating. You have a right to be selfish at this time. As my counselor said, "Don't be a *itch, but be selfish -- get what you need too. He isn't the only one who matters." Keep that in mind as you are making your decision to stick with Plan A a little longer or move on to Plan B.

I am praying for you and your family. Choosing what to do is very painful. I feel for you, I really do. Just remember that Genia matters as much as WH, o.k.? Sending you a virtual bear hug right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Sunny,

Thank you for your advise. It is very wise, and I promise I will start takeing care of myself today. I talked to his Sister-in-law last night. She said he has treated girls who dogged him better than he treats me. I just don't understand.

Hi Mariposa,

Thanks for your kind words. I have got to resolve this soon. His sister-in-law also told me I look terrible. She meant very unhappy and stressed. Other people are telling me the same thing. That I need to fix this before I have an heart attack or stroke. People are praying for me. Husband does not realize how much he is hurting me or he don't care.

I agree with Sunny, PLAN B HIM!!!
Dothis foryour health and your sanity

Hi Angel,

Thanks. Last night he asked me if I could give him time to fall back in love. But how much time, and if he is not going to work on it, it is hopeless. I really cannot see that he is trying. I am gonna get a job. But it will be about 10 weeks before I start. A government job. Hurray!!! He says he is not trying to stick around because of the money. He can't fool me though. If his actions don't say he is really trying in the next few days or weeks then he is out. It is just that he might fight me on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Genia,

He may fight you, but if Plan B is what you think you must do, then do it. Unfortunately we can't control other people's actions. If we could, none of us would need this forum!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Just stay strong, and know whatever decision you make is what is best for you. None of us can walk in your shoes. All we can do is support you on your journey -- and we will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks so much for your support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Genia, It is time for the "tough to get going".
First of all you have to look at yourself in the mirror and say "I am ME and worthy of love and respect. I have special qualities that make me unique and loveable."
Then go do things that make you feel good about yourself. Go for a walk in a park, read a book, what makes you feel good.
Tell your H that you love him, if that is the case, and you want him to love you, again if true. Then tell him that if it isn't mean't to be, then you will move on. There is someone else out there for you if you look, but you don't want to look, you want him.
Then do things with friends without him. Let him know you do have a life and can live life with or without him. Make dates with him.
But also give yourself a deadline. You don't have to share it with him, but give yourself 6mos, maybe. If things don't improve it is time to get a divorce in motion. You have a life to live and you want it to be happy.
Also never forget, love is an action verb.
YOU are responsible for your own happiness. No one can make you happy but yourself. The same goes for your H. He can not blame you if his life is unhappy or messed up. He is responsible for that.

Hope this helps.

Texasgirl

Hi Texasgirl,

You are right on target. However six months is too long. I have been trying to do Plan A for four months already. I know I was not perfect and I lovebusted some. I confronted him everytime I found out about contact. He never liked that. Anyhow, I might can do maybe four more weeks or less depending on if he goes to see OC without me. That is my boundary he is not to cross. He has made no promises to me on that one. I am just waiting for him to cross it with plans to pack his bags. Enclose Plan B letter and carry to his Dad's house.

Sounds like your heading in the right direction ,
Also, Congratulations on the Job!!!!

Hi Angel,

Thanks for the congratulations.

New job = new routine = new life YAAAHOOO.

So, focus on you and your future. Plan B him and get your own life moving. If you have a good job lined up, focus on it. Make sure you are all set emotionally to handle it. Get rest, get fit, get organized. This is it sweetie, your future is happening!!!! GO FOR IT.

As for him? Plan B him. If he wants the marriage it is time for him to show actions, NOT WORDS. He is in or out. PERIOD.

Take the positives in your life and run with them!!!

Hi Lynne,

I will do. I am not sure how fast but I definately can do this. Unless he does a 180 which I don't see happening.

d

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 05:55 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

oops

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>