I found out about my H's affairs Aug 11th., The OC was born August 3rd. My H insisted on abortion or adoption since two of ours are. She says no way she's always wanted a baby.

No contact to H until a amnio for possible down's. She calls H with results says no, H insists for her not to have it if it has problems.

Baby is born with heart defects, perforated anus etc. All which are signs of down's.

Anyhow after I /kids find out , my H sees the baby say he looks like our first born, is 99% it is his. Tells his mom, she wants to see it but doesn't condon his actions. Etc This is week of Aug 15th.

No contact by either parties since. As one thing I had asked was that I was informed when she calls and when H calls to check on OC.

Contact was made on Monday, Sept 20th. To let my H know of the OC's condition and upcoming surgery Oct 29th.

I still want to meet with and see what I'm so afraid of. I've forgiven as God tells us to do in the Bible. But I still think I have the right to tell this person my feelings. My H says no, it's too soon. And whatever is said won't go over well???

Help any suggestions
Lori

LET IT GO!

Don't give her another thought. Her baby has problems......yes, what could you way that wouldn't look like kicking her when she's down?

This is an unfair situation for you, you don't deserve it nor did you ask for it but it's here & your in it whether you like ti or not.
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FORGET ABOUT HER & focus on you, H & your marraige & family. WHat do you want? Are you 2 in counseling? Do you have some other boundaries set in place about C w/ OW?

It sounds as if H wants NC? I say go w/ that. Make sure OW KNOWS that there is to be no more C. If H doesn't want it then there is NO reason for OW to be calling.

There is so much other advice to be given here. Take verythign one step @ a time, do it all legall. CS will have to be paid, there are ways ot protect yourself first & your own children.

This is all so new & fresh for you. Take a deep breath. Take a walk, try to eat right.

Sorry to welcome you here but you are in teh right place. Read EVERYTHING you can on this site. It is good stuff.

You & h must make these decision TOGETHER. My situaton was similar to yours in that I did not even find out about A & Oc until OC was already born & OW contacted H to change OC name......similar in the fact of not knowing until way after the fact.

It is a LOT to digest all @ once---take it slow & dont' rush yourself.

I would suggest that you tell HIM and OW that you will meet her. And since it is a partnership between you and H that you will be involved in all contact between them(if you want it that way)

I know this much that Some Husbands have all decisions and contact made as a 3person situation. Never just 2. You were there prior to the OW and you are here now since your not going away if she wishes to speak to YOUR HUSBAND then you must be involved. I know this is how my husband has been handling it and a "friend" I know that I just recently met through work.

I dont even want to stay with my husband but he wont let me be left out of the loop so to speak, he wants it clear that there will be no HIM without ME from now on, ever as far as xOW/OC is concerned.

Update: I requested again that I get to at least see/meet the baby. My H says no not right now. He says he knows it will only hurt me more. How does he know what will and will not hurt me?
This makes me angry to no end, I hate to be dictated what I can and can't do.
Anyhow the baby is very ill so is said. She has only called as my H requested to give any health updates.
The baby is having surgery on Oct 29 (heart) and I asked my H if he's going. Says probably not , to leave her and her family alone at this time as the baby may not survive. I think this is all a way to get under his skin quite frankly.

having 4 children of my own I do hope that the child will be ok though. I am not heartless. I also think our oldest children whom want to see the child should be able to. He says NO. Why expose them to even more grief if he doens't survive.

I also hat the fact that my H says it's not about me. The baby is sick. Etc. I am not confrontational and he knows that. Since he supposable looks like my first born I would like to see for mysedlf.

I think he thinks he's protecting me. I feel like he's protecting her OW. I cannot have any more children and adopted my last two. Yes this is painful but I want to move on . I will step parent the child as my own if/when we start having contact.
Any suggestions on coping with this. I'm tired of even thinking about it.
Lori?

lori, wow!!!! I am so sorry. Okay set aside all the other crap involved in this. You said something about your child wants to meet this child. Maybe you can explain to your husband that this is your son's brother/sister and yes it's horrible what might happen, but at least your child will know and meet this child. Hopefully the ow in your case is a sensitive person enough to understand and be a true adult over this. I can see your husband's point about grief, but we are talking afterall family. Kids don't need to understand the "sdult" stuff in this right now. But also, if you can't handle this, then you need to rethink if your kids meet the oc. I'm sure you'd want to be there if your kids meet oc. I hope that the baby will be okay. Is the baby in the hospital? Do you know anything about this ow? I know this is a horrible time for all involved. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ok, Lori, BIG question here. I have not seen, in this thread at least, if DNA/paternity has been established yet! Just because a child looks like your first born, doesn't guarantee paternity! Heck, I just saw a show where the father and daughter looked like TWINS yet paternity was shown that he was not her bio father! I think that regardless as to looks, DNA needs to be done!

Just my $0.02, and if you've stated on the other thread that DNA was already done, my bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyway, welcome to MB and I hope that you get the help you need from us!

Tigger

No DNA has been established. My H says it'll be done. The baby is not in the hospital. The OW lives nearby town in the country. She is of a migrate farm family. That is all I know. Supposably she had never been with anyone before? And she never considered giving up the baby.

My older children still want to see the child in fact my in-laws have already seen in . The Ow brought him to my mother-in-laws house. My H met them there.

I am so confused over this whole mess?

Lori I am sick to my stomach for you.

I dont see how your handling this..... I am happy I dont have to deal with all My husbands family knowing of/and having contact with this OC.


Are you close to your in-laws?

I hope you find the strength to get through this. God Bless.

Yes , I am very close to my inlaws. I talk more to my mother-in law then my own mom whom lives less then a mile from me. All of our family is close by within 25 miles of everyone.

I guess I don't want so much as to meet the OW as I do the child. Paternity testing should be happening soon. My H says the baby is being tested during an office visit on the 1st (Oct)
He my H has not set up an appointment for this yet.

I understand this can be quite costly. He feels pretty confident it is his though.

I asked more questions this weekend. Details of the time frames. He answered all of them. I could tell it was painful for him as well.

He says it happened twice. Over a 3-4 month span. She idealized him as he was a mentor in a class he was taking. She kept making herself available to be alone with him. He says the whole think was just physical and was of poor choices. Says after it happened the second time she became clingy and he told her that he could not do this , he knew he was married and had children and was not leaving his wife. She claimed to him she didn't know yet he talked about us (kids and I) in his class.

She then called him back after the class was through and no contact that she was pregnate?

To me this all sounded planned. How does a 29 year old women not take every procaution. Exscpecially when you sleep with someone you don't even know?

i guess I'm just to naive ?
Lori