i need some advice. we have been having marital trouble for about a year now and knew something was up. My h has been having 2 emotional affairs. One ended when she left the work place. The other i just recently found out about. he lied about both until caught.and could of admitted the 2nd when i found out about the first. he won't tell me who this last one is and still sees her occasionally at work. he promises me it will never happen again. from what i have read this is not a good idea. we are taking our youngest child off to college for a few days and when we get home he has agreed to counseling. and to try to put our marriage back together. 22 years ago he had 2 one stands. so the past is right here now again with us. so do i need to know who she is and also he is implying that she is seeking him out still to make sure he is ok. i have thoughts of talking to her. but am not sure. i am reading all i can get my hands on. and working on what i need to put the marriage back together. he seems so confused about his feelings for me. says anyone would be lucky to have a wife like me. and i don't deserve this. but he also isn't sure we can work through this. he says he can't see daylight right now.
how do you begin to trust again? when they can see your pain and still lie. i had caught him on the phone one day while we were spending time working on our marriage. and he denied it. i knew something wasnt right and was crying. he made me feel so bad for not trusting him. right now i don't feel he deserves it. and i am not sure he will leave his job or the area here.
w 45
h45
m almost 26 yrs
25d, 23s, 20d

I feel for you. My H won't tell me either. Says i wouldn't know her anyway and doesn't see how it will help me.

I just know that if I can't face my fears I won't get past them. I know the pain hang i there!
Lori

He needs to earn trust. Mine tells me the same thing. Trust me. I always say. You got to earn it.

Dranders,

Don't let him make you feel guilty for asking things! My FWH tried that -- he never denied anything, but he didn't want to tell me everything either. Once we got into counseling, it helped. The MC told me to ask whatever information I needed to help me move forward and begin rebuilding trust. If he has agreed to counseling that is a good first step. You might want to ask him certain questions about the A in front of the counselor -- it might be harder for H to lie to a third party.
It could be that knowing who the OW is would be helpful, but then again, it may make the situation too painful for you. Perhaps you know this woman and thought she was a friend. In the end, you have to carefully consider which questions you really need answers for, and which questions will only cause you pain and serve no other purpose. But even then, you still have a right to ask those painful questions should you want to. I just know from personal experience there are things I know now that I wish I hadn't asked about!

Keep your chin up. Just getting your WH to agree to counseling is a great start. You are going to be angry and hurt for a while. I still do not trust my husband - which sometimes irks him since he claims he is completely honest now. Our MC said it takes an average of 2 years to begin repairing damage caused by an A, so just realize it may be a long haul. Be sure to treat yourself to something you enjoy. You are special and you deserve it.

Best of luck.

WOW, Mariposa,
I know your message was for Dranders, however you really helped me. My H has been going to counseling , and he only answers those questions when I really asked except the name thing.
I would like to go to counseling with him but he is two embarassed for me to see the same counselor. He says , why fix (me) what doesn't need to be. Says he's the only one with the problem?
Anyhow thanks for the insight
Lori

Lori,

Glad I could help. I don't know what your H is thinking! He probably does need IC on his own (my H is in IC on his own), but you should also be in MC together (as we are every Tuesday afternoon)!! There are TWO of you in this relationship. He may have been the one to go outside the marriage. He may have a lot of issues that he has to work out. However, if you don't understand why the affair happened (which ENs weren't being met), then you can't keep it from happening again. Also, he needs to understand which of your ENs weren't being met. If you are honest with yourself, you probably weren't 100% happy with your marriage before the A happened. There were most likely things you wish your H did or said that he wasn't doing.

Speaking from my own experience (and D-day wasn't that long ago), I now realize that there were factors in our marriage that created an environment where my H didn't feel loved or appreciated by me. That DOES NOT excuse his decision to have an A, but I have to take ownership of the things I could have done better. If I don't, then he might stray again. For example, we struggled with infertility for a year and a half. That was a factor beyond our control. Sex became scheduled and performance based, rather than an expression of tenderness and love (this was under our control). He reacted to this by becoming more critical of me. When he was critical of me, I didn't feel like having physical contact with him at all! Then we got locked into a destructive cycle. Since he traveled a lot for work, he found another source of spontaneous, fun sex. The OW was much younger than me and there was an element of hero worship too. He didn't think she could survive without him. He knew I could (even though I would NOT want that). As painful as it has been, I have to examine my own behavior. I now know which of his ENs weren't being met in our marriage. I am doing everything I can to meet those needs now, so that he never has another A. Of course, I don't trust that he won't, but I am hopeful.

Please talk to your husband again about going into MC together. He can keep his individual therapy. That gives him a forum to work through his own feelings of guilt, confusion, etc. If he is serious about working on your relationship, however, he should agree that MC is necessary. How can you expect to repair a relationship if you both aren't working on it. If he still won't agree, then get into IC yourself. By the very fact that your H had an A, he has created chaos in your life. He isn't the only one with issues. He created a whole lot of issues for you too (if you are like me, you don't feel special anymore, you doubt your own judgement, etc.) If he thinks he is the only one who needs therapy, then he is being extremely naive or thoughtless or both. Trust me on that one. Keep urging for MC and hang in there.

Please keep me up to date on what is happening. Just keep telling yourself that you can get through this, and know there are people who care!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am trying to get a counselor to see both myself and my H. I think your right Mariposa when you say WE need to see what needs hadn't been met etc.

I don't feel will get through this seperate either.

Dranders how are you doing has any of this helped you??

It has been helping me by just posting.
Lori

hello all. i am back from taking my daughter off to college. my h, his dad, his brother and i took 4 days to do it. this was planned some time ago.
some of it went well. some of it rough.
while sitting further up in the plane with his brother my daughter and i saw him flirting with the flight attendent. he says it was nothing...
i need to know who this women he is emotionally involved with because he sees her at different locations. i am wanting the details so i can see if he is being straight with me. he is still seeing her when he delivers once or twice a week. and by phone to get the order.
he wants to try, but when we are together it is so hard. we talk about only what we have to. we dont know how to have fun. i feel like if we can't begin to love and be close this will happen again.
this is so hard to put into words. i just know i do love him. but don't want to live like this and feel this is probably as good as it is going to get. he prefers spending time with his family to me. i can be included with them. but they all live right around us. and someone is here constantly. it is his protection for not talking and prevents us from having quality time alone together. i am the maid (he never complains about what isn't done though) and i believe i am his only sexual partner right now. i still think he is only emotionally involved with her. but she is getting the very thing i want. time and attention. he said tonight he will talk with me more tomorrow. we argued because he brother came over after being with us for 4 days on this trip. and i wanted him to be asked to go home as we were tired and needed some time together. am i kidding myself?

Just keep asking questions until you get he info you need. my H wants to know how this helps me as he says it's just hurting me more and it's shamful for him to share.

All i can say is that asking questions has helped me sort things out. I'm trying hard to not dwell on it though. I don't want to destroy our relationship further by pushing to hard.

You and you alone know how much to ask and what
is only going to hurt you more.

For me the not knowing kills me.
Lori

Lori,
my husband gets upset when i asked questions and then he says he wants to leave. h says it is because he has hurt me so. but if so h would find a way to work this all out and not see her again. he wants to avoid the communication and the work. i know there were things missing in both our lives and i want us to address them and work at putting them into our lives. i feel this will prevent it from happening again.
it will probably be a week or so before we can begin counseling. and this will be so hard for him. going through this. and for me.
we see things so differently. i thought i knew that. but men are so different from women. not bad different. we just see things in a different way.
diana

update on my m
my h and i talked last night. he told me her first name. and where she lives. admitted he has a serious problem.and that he does it in front of me and also all day long. and he is attracted to good looking women in general. he has been struggling with this for a few years now. he is even quite attracted to a lady at our church. so there goes one of the few places i felt safe. anyway he isnt sure if he wants to make this work or not. we have been through so much and h is tired. cant stand the fighting and his hurting me is even worse to him. says he loves me. but isnt sure we should continue to be together. i am reading his needs her needs and i see i didn't spend time with him. partly because i felt insecure trying new things with him and partly because of his busy working hours left little time for 3 children, a wife and other family and friends. so many times i told him take a child or go ahead and spend time with your brother ect. i now see that was a mistake. and instead of him appreciating my sacrifice, he felt left out and unappreciated. i have told him many times that i am sorry and i would of done things differently if i had known. he says he should of told me. we now feel this huge space between us. and when i try now to join him, he says he doesn't trust it and is hurt by the fact that i wasn't there before. he is trying to decide whether or not he is in this for good. he has mentioned leaving and has left several times already. i asked him to take the time needed this time and decide if he is in or out and stick with it. our emotions are part of the roller coaster we are on. i asked that we give 100% to the relationship and trust God to heal the hurts and help us see daylight.
i just am praying i can find a way to be stay on track here.
this women at church is a dear friend of mine and i have confided in her about h. we have done bible studies together. h said last night he needs to stay away from her. telling her would make her so upset. so how do we avoid her or rather her and her husband without telling her? she is such a prayer warrior and has been there for me. how do we avoid being in future studies with them without saying anything? do i talk to our pastors wife?
if you do, please pray. thanks

I think your right in giving him time to decide. Did it help getting a name? I don't know if it helped me or not.

About the bible study group....is there another study you could join. Maybe by just simple stating to this person that you have a lot on your plate right now and you can't see continuing at this time but will get back with her when things settle down.
(this way you don't have to go into details)

Is there a more specific reason in why your H says he's not sure he wants to continue the marriage? This has not been something I've delt with as my H says he never had any intentions of leaving me or not being married. My H says it's my choice is I want to stick things out, however he is not staying at our home right now, via his choice.

I am glad you talked though this is a big step.

Lori

Lori,
since i have last posted we have talked more. i had told him this time to decide once and for all if he is staying or not. he talks of leaving when i ask him to talk about what has happened. and also feels that the work involved in fixing this is too much. at times he says he has hurt me too much and will leave me to prevent himself from hurting me again. he admits he would do anything to avoid confrontation. when we speak there is almost never voices raised. or even anger. we both are amazed that we have not done that. we used to. but it is still so difficult. and i think he wanted to avoid telling me all. he is concerned if we go through this and still not make it.
when we talked the other night and he told me about how he looked and lusted i think he felt relief that i now know.
the night before last he came home and had a dozen roses for me and i asked him what it meant. he said if i will have him he is staying.
we still haven't set up the counseling with our pastors. but he is still catching up with work after being gone. he has sunday and monday off so maybe then.
knowing her name helps some in that i don't have to wonder is she watching me whereever i am. but with him looking at women in general, it still bothers me some. but i feel better that he told me. i couldn't understand how he could say it was over and keep that secret from me.
my next thing to work on is how this all makes me feel. does he think about these women when he is with me? how bad is it? we have prayed the last 2 mornings for him and his "eyes".
so can i ask why your husband is living elsewhere? does he plan on moving back? where are you with it?
we had a wonderful evening last night and i pray i can just keep my eyes on God and wait on him for the healing.
hang in there! and thanks
diana

Diana,

Glad to know you and your husband are making some progress, even though it probably doesn't seem like enough to you sometimes. It took my husband a while to decide that he was going to try and make this work. I would suggest setting up the appt. with your pastor as soon as possible. Your H sounds like he is having a terrible guilt episode -- which he probably should, but that is making him question if healing your marriage is possible. It sounds like he may have self-image and self-esteem problems and so he might feel very unlovable right now.
All I can say is hang in there. :-)

And, even though it seems impossible, it is a good thing he is being upfront about his attractions to other women. At least it is on the table now (instead of hidden where it can do more harm). Keep us posted.

Well so far no appt has been set up for counsenling. I haven't asked him either. He still doesn't like talking. We tried last night and ended up being so frustrated. Trying to deal with our other issues too. He says while he knows they are hard for me to live with he would be unhappy if he had to change them. He has horrid work hours. 12 or more hours most days. He works tuesday through saturday. And we live by his family. All within a couple of miles. He is the youngest of 8. And they are here all the time. He is the handyman and we are the social hotspot.
We did the end the impass with him saying lets have a truce for now. I know we have miles ahead of us.
The lady at church was there today. H avoids her. But she is so friendly and outgoing and wants to say hi ect. She wanted to touch base with me on how things are going and wants to let h know that she isn't holding the problems we are having against him. I just can't tell her that she is one of them. But my thought is if she talks to her h about calling my h. This could get messy. Or hasn't it already. of course, what is a bit more.
i think my h does have a self asteem problem. i have been working at building it and assuring him of his worth ect. we need the counseling so badly. i just pray it is in his plan for our day off tomorrow.
nice to vent again!

Dranders,
So good to hear your talking.As asked my husband stays at his mothers house with his two brothers right now. His choice. He says he wants to come home but when it's the right time and he doesn't want to screw up again.

My H does come home at least once a day, to check on me and the kids.He calls every morning and several times during the day. His work is in the city only about 25 miles away. I do pray that he comes home soon. He keeps telling me he is, I think his counselor thinks it's best his way right now.

We had a date last night, it was nice. No talk about situations etc. Just us. I wish we had the relationship of praying together but he is very private at this. I continue to pray for him and our marriage.

I have not yet found a counselor, although I should go it's hard because I'm in school full-time and I have all 4 children's schedules to work around. Please find the time to call your pastor or a counselor. They will definitly help you through.

My H goes every W. I do see a big change in his attitudes towards me.

Any how keep updating me.
Lori

Lori,

I have talked to Vernetta, a DB coach. She is an Ordained minister and a trained counselor. She was wonderful AND is committed to marriage.

The only drawback is my insurance does not cover telephone consults.

Good to hear that you and your H are moving forward toward reconciling!!!!!

Take care,

Steve

Thanks Steve, I don't think my insurance covers phone consults either. I guess this is where I need to take the step into counseling myself.

DRANDERS,
How are things going? I've been bogged down with exams all week. I haven't spent much time with my H. i think we've seen each other twice. My kids are getting restless. I'm restless.

I've been very angry today. Feeling taken advantage of. Anyhow, I'd like to get an update when your ready.

hang in there!

Lori

Dranders,

I haven't heard from you for a few days. just wondering how things are going. Hopefully this means things are moving along for you.

Keep in touch!

Lori

If someone hasn't already said it, you may get more replies posting on the main board (if you want to). I have not seen mention of your H getting anyone pregnant (thank God!), but if I missed that, I apologize.

Best wishes on rebuilding!!