Tru, Genia, and the gang: I appreciate all of your support. Need some right now. My husband cannot and will not agree to NC right now, since OW is still in Venezuela and he wants to make sure baby is o.k. Sometimes I swear that he cares more about her feelings and how she is doing in her pregnancy than he ever did during mine. I know he was in a fog then, but it doesn't make the pain any less. Lately, she is making it worse.
OW has called 4 times in the past two weeks. Sometimes at 11:30 at night, sometimes right as I am plating dinner. Tonight, she left a voicemail as my husband was going to the pistol range with my father. Last week she called because she was surprised we hadn't responded to her e-mailed photo of the ultrasound. O.K., when we got the e-mail (on Saturday night) we responded via e-mail to her. FWH's IC told him to make it clear to her each and every time they HAD to have contact about the pregnancy that he should state in no uncertain terms that he had NO PLANS TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER. He has been doing this, but I am frustrated that she just can't seem to get it into her head.
It seems to me that she is doing everything within her power to try and manipulate my H's emotions. She has chosen a name for this 6 week old fetus -- that of her boyfriend immediately before she met my H! She is calling more, and is now convinced she wants my husband involved in the baby's life. I swear my woman's intuition is telling me that she wants him back and thinks she will have him back before her baby is born in April! Every time I have spoken with OW she swears she doesn't want to interfere, and that she will just "disappear". Obviously, I had my doubts about that claim from the beginning, but realize she has no intention (and never did) of honoring that.
So, short of changing all of our phone numbers (cell and home) does anyone have any suggestions of how they got the OW to give them space to heal? Am I just asking for too much? If the OW is continually intruding in our marriage by her persistent attempts at contact, how can we change that situation? Each time she calls my stomach is in knots. Has anyone had their FWH agree to NC with the pregnant OW? Is this really a viable option in such a situation? I've asked him not to contact her unless I have agreed to it (and am present). I've also asked that he not answer his cell phone when the caller is "unknown", because that is how she shows up. I figure if it is a legitimate caller, they'll leave a message and he can return their call. Somebody out there please tell me I'm not crazy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

On a good and cheery note, he told me for the first time in therapy yesterday that he didn't want to lose me. Every other time it was he didn't want to lose his life, or his daughter, but this time it was me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Also, his attitude toward me has become much more tender and protective. Maybe there is more hope than I thought!!

My H has absolutley no contact with EXOW what so ever. Until paternity has been established we do not feel that contact has to be made between the two of them (she is currently pregnant and due in a few weeks), if there is a dire emergency then she know's how to contact us. Your H needs to respect you and your emotional well being and he is not doing that. You need to speak with OW and tell her to back off she is taking avantage of the situation by still contacting your H and probably laughing about it. Are you sure that she is even pregnant? It is hard to say when OW lives in another country.

Good luck

Can't take it --

Thanks for your advice. I think my husband is starting to understand how devastating the contact with OW is to me. She is pregnant. We have seen the ultrasound and have a due date. Obviously, I was hoping she wasn't actually pregnant. I still am hoping that it isn't my H's baby because then we could cut her out of our lives together. However, I don't want to get my hopes up too high. It would really hurt then if I found out the baby was his.

We talked when he returned from the shooting range last night and he told me he had no intention of returning her message. He also promised not to answer his phone if the caller was "unknown". He thinks ignorning her desperate attempts at contact right now is the best way to make sure she "gets the message" that he doesn't want her in his life any more than necessary. I would still prefer he change his cell phone number and us change our home number so she can't reach us, but will have to wait and see. Since it is a company cell phone, I doubt they want to pay for a number change and the resulting new business cards :-)

FWH has IC at 10 today. I am hoping his counselor (whom I respect very much) will help him work out his feelings on the repeated contact. I just feel like the magician's assistant in the box, with swords coming through the slits. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I think he is starting to see the light, but who knows. I know the anger and lack of trust is still there.

Yesterday, I had to take a time out, because he went to the warehouse club and brought home the wrong kind of diapers!! He thought he could save money by buying some generic brand instead of Pampers. Needless to say they leak, and now we have 200 of them!! I feel like I can't even trust him to go to the store and buy what our baby needs! I realize how crazy that sounds, but it felt like he was skimping on his D to give more to the future OC. After I calmed down, because I didn't want to LB, I discussed this with him. He said he would go today and get the right type of diapers. I realized he's always been a bargain shopper (whole life) and it wasn't some attempt to cheat his current family to send money to Venezuela instead. He apologized over and over. I am starting to realize what our MC said about you never know the cost of a breach of trust until much later. Who knew the effects of the A would manifest themselves in my reaction to his choice of diapers?

Oh well. Sorry I'm rambling. It just feels so good to communicate with people who understand what I am going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi,

My OW would also call the house. Husband said her purpose was to start an argument between us and to break us up. Well she suceeded as far as the argument but not to break us up. Anyhow, I always answered the phone. You answer the phone, and maybe she will not call so often. Be polite with her. If you don't it will bite you in the end when she pulls the you will hurt my baby crap. Oh, and then hand the phone to your husband. I am so sorry you are going through this but happy your husband is going to counseling with you.

Mariposa,
I don't mean to threadjack but I had to tell you that the example you gave,

" I just feel like the magician's assistant in the box, with swords coming through the slits."

was so dead on. Hang in there!!! We all "feel" the same.
ent

Genia,

Good idea, although she rarely calls the house -- its almost always the cell phone. I'll see if he will agree to let me answer his cell; might be sticky since he gets business calls on it as well. I really try not to argue too much about her calling because I know he can't control when she calls. I just want him to know how anxious and uncomfortable it makes me. Guess I'd just like him to tell her not to call, for a while at least. Hope you are hanging in there. Know your roller coaster has been shaking you up lately. Keep hanging on and I will too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I just have to dig down and know that I can keep holding on. God never sends me more than I can handle -- it just seems that way sometimes.

Mariposa,

I think that you SHOULD change the phone numbers. If you are questioned by family members who don't know the situation, you can use the excuse of getting harassing phone calls from "unknown" numbers. That should be good enough, and you can also have H tell her that if she doesn't stop calling, you WILL change the numbers and they WILL be unlisted. If there is an emergency, she can email you, but unless it's an emergency, there will be NO reply. Maybe even block her from your email addy and make up a hotmail account just for her if there are emergencies. There is NO need for your H to be involved, especially at 6 weeks! This time is for YOU and H to rebuild the damaged foundation of your M, and that doesn't include OW no matter how much she bytches and complains! There needs to be a NC letter to OW, and keep a copy for yourself. Your H needs to recognize the need to be concentrating on you and the OC will be dealt with after DNA has either proven or disproven paternity!

I'm sorry if other's have already recommended what I just did, and there are specific reasons you can't impliment them, but that's what I think you should do.

Good luck, and Welcome to MB!

Tigger

I know how it feels to get upset about the smaller stuff, beleive me. However, Pampers are a must. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good luck

Thanks ent & tigger. Your support means so much. I think I will take your advice and speak to husband about a NC letter via e-mail to her. All I can do is try. We already have a hotmail account set up just for communicating with her so that's not a problem (I know the password and everything). I think we just need to work through a solution for now.
You are giving me the confidence to speak up for what I need (which was always a weakness in our marriage before). I'll let you know how things go as the week progresses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mariposa13:
<strong> Last week she called because she was surprised we hadn't responded to her e-mailed photo of the ultrasound. ... .She has chosen a name for this 6 week old fetus </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My last child was born more than a decade ago and in the US, but what doctor does an ultrasound on a six-week fetus? My doctor did one at 10 weeks when I was carrying my daughter because I had twins prior. But there was nothing to see on the ultrasound other than her heart beat, and it took the doctor a while to find even that!!

I would be very wary that she is pregnant at all and that she might be borrowing an ultrasound picture from somebody and claiming it is hers. Just doesn't sound right to me....

~ Snow

Good point snowbelle!

I just looked at all of mine and they all have my name and the date on them.

So be very weary

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Snowbelle:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mariposa13:
<strong> Last week she called because she was surprised we hadn't responded to her e-mailed photo of the ultrasound. ... .She has chosen a name for this 6 week old fetus </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My last child was born more than a decade ago and in the US, but what doctor does an ultrasound on a six-week fetus? My doctor did one at 10 weeks when I was carrying my daughter because I had twins prior. But there was nothing to see on the ultrasound other than her heart beat, and it took the doctor a while to find even that!!

I would be very wary that she is pregnant at all and that she might be borrowing an ultrasound picture from somebody and claiming it is hers. Just doesn't sound right to me....

~ Snow </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Had twins almost 6 years ago, and a single baby 6 months ago. Both of my ultra sounds started at 5 weeks. It's NOT huge and barely there, but besides a heartbeat it's there..........but if that ultra sound looks like it has any figure at all it's the wrong person's ultra sound at 6 weeks. I had the best equipment used on me so I hope she is not pulling one over on you. With a good ultra sound machine at 10 weeks they start looking like a dough boy type

edit to add: normally you don't get an ultra sound that early unless your A: going through infertitlty (which I was with the twins) and B: are very high risk which I was with all my pregnancies. It did not take long to find the heart beats, but like I said I was on some of the best state of the heart equipment used to today. If I had my scanner working, I'd scan a picture of my 5 week fetus to show you how small it really is.......but I don't........but I do remember a web site I went on that showed an ultra sound from the very beginning (or pictures or something) If I can find it again, I'll post the web site.

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

Okay found this website lets see if I can paste it here. The one I was orignially talking about is more of the actuall picture at that stage but this one is good for you to see what you should have seen.

http://www.amazingpregnancy.com/weekbyweek/ultrasounds/firsttrimester.html

Mari
Here's what you do. Get a second unlisted phone line in your home and change your husband's cell phone number. On the phone to your home now, buy a phone that has a answering machine and put the thing under the bed or in a closet with the ringer off and the volume down. She'll call this number and you'll never know-just check it from time to time in case of emergency. Give your new number to friends/family explaining that this number cannot be given out to anyone. Because the old number will be answered (with YOUR voice on the machine), it will not occur to her to search for another number or go to websites that will find an unlisted number for a fee. She'll think that you're either not at home or not responding to her calls. It will give her communication with you but not enough to ruin your recovery. Cancel your e-mail address. That access is too easy and cheap. Eventually communication will become a frustration. You then will not have to worry about "unknown" calls to his cell phone and your home phone. She won't know the number.

Hope it helps...