WE want to work it out. My H says it's up to me but he is mine for life if I choose to stay and deal.

He is in counseling as his affairs(sex capades) ended with an OC born .

I love my H and am a strong women, but I feel nothing is progressing. It's all new I know I only found out Aug 11th but I want some closure.

Since there is a baby involved whom is ill and my H will not just abandon how can I do Plan A?Contact is being made only for health updates.

Also , my H is not moving home for good yet as he says when he does he doesn't want any scew ups. Were suppose to be dating and taking care of our childrens needs.

How can we reconcile like this? He refuses to say were seperated. Tells the kids he has never and is never going to leave us but can't stay home for now. Is he waiting to see if the baby survives??

Should I just emplement plan B. No contact with me or children till he gets his act together. This is hard as I am going to school full-time for nursing and am no longer employed. I can't support 4 children let alone myself. I also know he will see this as me telling him I want to seperate and that is not what I want??
How do we avoid contact when I have to get money from him and pay bills, go to childrens events etc.??

help Please
Lori

Lori~

I'm sure you've read over this already, but I'm including it here again. It helps to read over it several times to gain a clearer understanding. Plan A & B

Plan B is called Plan B for a reason. It's the SECOND thing to try, when the first Plan doesn't get the desired results. You need to do a Plan A, and do the very best one you possibly can--a stellar one, in fact! First of all, if you do a nearly flawless one, you may never need to go to Plan B at all. Secondly, if Plan A doesn't get the desired results, and you have to move to Plan B, you will have left your H with an excellent impression of what life would be like with you, instead of leaving him sour, and thinking on bad memories, whilst you're separated.

The NUMBER ONE goal is to get your H back living under your roof, and fully committed to M recovery. You need to get the M back on track before you will be able to successfully negotiate all of the other issues, including all issues surrounding OC, (whether there will be C, NC, and so on). You should prepare for this though, by reading up on POJA, (policy of joint agreement).

The only concern you should have right now, is making yourself and your home something your H wants to come back to. Let the OW do all the LBers.

Take good care.
~ad

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Hi Lori,

I am not sure what to say but I feel for your pain. I wish I had an answer. I wonder when your husband said no more screw ups was he refering to himself I hope.

I just finished writing then erased it all. UGHHH!

I feel as though I'm damned if i do , damned if I don't. My H is coming and going not staying home at night etc. Visting the kids, and still sleeping with me(physically i mean)

I feel I'm cheating because i should not be with him till he comes home for good. But then If I don't he'll never come home. We still love each other despite all the problems.

I watch Dr. Phil and had emailed him our story. What do any of you think about getting counseling in front of the nation?

We/I have been contacted by the producer. They tell you not to expect any response as they recieve 100's of emails a day. I shared this with my oldest children and they want the help. I have not even told my H I emailed them?

Would you tell your story and get help in front of America? Exspecially if it could save your marriage and family??
Lori

Hi Lori~

Did you read up on Plan A? Because it's not "cheating" to be with your H, even if you do more than sleep. Don't worry if he's not home completely yet. The point of Plan A is to get him home. As long as he wants to spend time with you, I say GO FOR IT! All the more opportunity for you to fill his Love Bank, and the higher liklihood of getting him home and committed sooner.

Looking into being a guest on Dr. Phil could be a major LBer (Love Buster) to him. I would tread lightly with that. Some men wouldn't freak, but I suspect most would. You know your H best.

You may want to start with private marriage counseling with a counselor who is pro-marriage, and has the goal of keeping the M together, no matter what. Look into calling Steve Harley or Jenn by clicking on Counsel at the top of the page.

Sleep calls...

Take good care,
~ad

WEll, talked to H about the show contacting us. He's not opposed but wants more info. I am not even sure I want the nation to know all this either.

I haven't even shared this with my family.

As far as being a LoveBuster, yes this could be in the long run. That is why I'm being very careful and making sure I tell my H everything.

I aslo see this as an open door to work on this together with people on our side etc.

Today has been a break though. I now understand A & B . There is no specific rules just the trying and doing and if all else fails plan B.

This means I am in plan A. He's still not staYing at home but comes home to me. I let him read my journaling when he asks. Sometimes I think my feelings come across better in writing then when I talk. Though I'm careful to only write what I'm really feeling honestly at the moment . Not so as if someone else is going to read it.

He has been very good about answering all my questions I just wish I could find it in myself to not talk about it for a day , just to make him feel loved and not ashamed or guilty for his actions all the time.

How does one who is sooo hurt go about this?
Lori

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Today has been a break though. I now understand A & B . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That--my dear--is music to my ears! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has been very good about answering all my questions I just wish I could find it in myself to not talk about it for a day , just to make him feel loved and not ashamed or guilty for his actions all the time.

How does one who is sooo hurt go about this?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By zipping it up and throwing away the key? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (remember doing that in grade school?)

By stuffing it with some cheesecake? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Okay, I'm being very silly here--but those were the first thoughts that came to me. One of those days I guess! A counselor I could never be!

Seriously, you can't keep your questions and feelings locked up forever. Things need to be asked, answered and addressed. Feelings and thoughts need to be acknowledged and validated. However, it does become burdensome for both the BS and WS to talk about it all the time, 24/7.

Can you set aside an alotted amount of time each week to talk about it all? Get it all out on the table, but then not discuss it other times you're together? I've heard of other people who go away for a weekend, with the sole purpose in mind of getting as many questions answered as possible in that weekend getaway. It's advisable to do it this way. Not in your home, and especially not in your bedroom.

I wish you all the best.
~ad

Unfortunatly the only space we have to talk alone away from the children is our bedroom. I think maybe I should suggest talking outside on the patio or so. ( I just don't want the kids to hear all my questions) I have 2 nosy's and 2 that will repeat everything!}

Anyhow I am trying to make it peacful when he is home and not ask all the time. It's very hard for me to do, as I don't talk to any other aldults during the day ( I'm in class or at home with the kids)

I also added an additional discussion class to my schedule to help boost my grade with another class, However I think this was a "lovebuster". My H sees as it's another way for me to meet professors or students of the opposite sex. ( I knoe this is because of what he did, but I have never given him a reason to think I would cheat on him.} I don't think this is fair.

Is his jealousy justified because he cheated and is afraid insecure that I'll do the same.

I need to stay busy otherwise the affairs and new baby (OC) will consume me.

Lori

Hello Lori,

I'm glad to see you over here at MB!!! It sounds like you are getting some great support and advice.

I can imagine that for a WS, it is very hard for them to understand how the betrayed partner feels. Heck we can't even explain it most of the time. Have you thought of getting "Surviving an Affair", Dr Harleys book? It will certainly help you and maybe by letting your H read it, it may help him understand why you have some of the feelings that you do.

chas / shamone (on MB) seems to be moving forward with her H. She may enjoy hearing from you.

Glad to see you are still committed to your M. Keeping your committment,honor and dignity, will always serve you well.

Steve

Hey lori, just checking in to see how you are doing?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Update, I'm going crazy.!!!

I've had exams all week. I'm taking care of all four children. I feel taken advantage of. Meantime my H has started new night class, (must for his credentials) This is how he met starry-eyed mistake.

Im reading scripture as much as possible , been hard this week fitting in with the whole skeletal system.

I think I've seen My H twice this week. He trys to make it home at least for sex? Anyhow I feel angry with him.

My parents are starting to ask where he is, does he come home are we seperated. My H does not believe we are seperated, what do I call this?
I don't want to keep lying to my parents. Today my 6 year old told my mom that dad only comes home for dinner sometimes and takes them places but he doesn't sleep at home.

I ignored him of corse till my mom questioned me. i just said I'm concentrating on school right now, and we have some problems. When they find out about the baby thing , they'll go through the roof. I don't want there help or sympathy. or feeling sorry for me.

that 's what going on

Lori

lori~

I strongly encourage you not to shut your parents out. I think you're wrong, you do need their help, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You sound a lot like me, in that you don't want to have to need help, especially from parents. Like you're somehow a failure, disappointment, an adult who still needs her parents, etc., etc...This is a big deal, a crisis, and most likely the biggest you'll face in your life. Share it with them, take a little of the burden off your shoulders. Plus they may give you some very good guidance. If you're worried they might not accept your decisions in all of this, (ie, wanting to remain M, etc...), let them know up front where you stand.

Of course, I don't know your parents, and only you know if it is ultimately a wise decision to fill them in. But, I think there are only very few parents who cannot be trusted with this kind of information.

I wish you well.

~autumnday

Thank you. My parents are the best in the world. But I don't want to burden them with this. I don't want to hear I told you so...or my mom asking what I'm going to do. I feel like a FAIlURE.
My parents have been married 41 years. My sister 11yrs and my brother 17yrs.
I don't know where I've gone wrong? I was so excited about celebrating our 15th this year.

Anyhow , if they new about the baby...it would just make me feel that much worse. I'm not sure why. it seems as though I'm withdrawing from everything.

Lori

Hi Lori,

If it were me, I would not do the talk show...it is just adding more flames to the fire...I believe someone suggested private counseling...that may work better.

As for your parents, that is your call...but they are going to find out anyway, and of course have their opinions. I kept my situation from my parents for about 10 months after the OC was born,( we live in different states...and I dealt with the nightmares of my situation alone, not even my H's family were any help...actually, they were the worst...but they have since learned their lessons...I was to ashamed to discuss it with anyone )... and of course they didn't like it, everyone was angry at my H, but they respected my choice to try and make my marriage work. My parents and my siblings treat my H with nothing but love & still respect. They really were upset with me for keeping all of this to myself, and not coming to them so they could comfort me, and be there for me.

Is the affair over and done? Are you certain one way or the other about the active vs inactive status of the affair?

If the affair is NOT completely over... (and this means that they communicate with each other, sex or no sex) .... then EXPOSURE of the affair MUST be done.

A VITAL element of Plan A is to EXPOSE the affair to important people in WH's life.

So, here are my 2 questions... please answer, thanks.

1. Are you 100% convinced the affair is OVER?

2. Who has the affair been exposed to thus far?

Pep

Affair with OW/OC ended when she started pushing for more, and told H she was pregnate. Contact has been made only during Amnio, Birth and update on Surgery to come.
Other Affair ended early summer, I found out in August after she called and told my 14 year old whom she thought was me all, and about the OW/OC.

Yes 100% sure affairs over. Again no contact other then Update on OC's health. Child may not survive the birth defects. Our aggreemant was that i was to be told if she calls, if H calls for update or if a visit takes place.

Lori